i don’t know what it is. is it a sign of the times? whatever it is, i tend to feel perpetually unsatisfied.
am i alone in this?
it’s funny, if i didn’t set such high, specific goals for myself, maybe i wouldn’t feel this way. maybe i’d be satisfied. but being ‘satisfied’ sounds horrible too. satisfaction sounds like giving up. like getting fat, wearing sweat pants, & watching television… forever. like settling.
but as long as i haven’t met my self-imposed goals, i feel like a failure. i feel incomplete. i feel ‘less than’. and i’m sure as hell not grateful for all that i DO have. as it is: life is great. i am a white girl with bangs in los angeles. aside from getting the least serious form of cancer when i was in my early twenties (thyroid) and being emotionally & physically abused by my parents (hitting, not molesting – but geeze, what was wrong with me? not pretty enough? jkjk)… i have a good life. i’ve always made a living all on my own. i don’t have a rich family to fall back on, so i’ve never had help or a safety net. and i would never think to ask anyone for help.
but i want a lot for myself. i’m not sure if accomplishing those things will even make me happy, but right now, i believe it will… so that’s what i strive for. and if i get those things, and they don’t bring me happiness, i will go from there. yes, i know you’re supposed to be happy with yourself first because no person or thing can complete you or fill a hole inside you. well, except my vaginal hole- but you know what i mean. anyways… for the most part i am happy. but when i am quiet and still; when i am just meant to co exist and be calm with another – it’s hard for me. being in a partnership when i am unsatisfied with myself and terrified of potentially NEVER realizing my goals makes me take it out on my partner – which makes me feel as though i’m better off being alone until i realize my dreams. but that might never happen and then i will be alone forever. i need to learn to co-exist with someone no matter what i’m experiencing. don’t i? idk. i’m so rigid and controlled, and can be really stubborn and a know it all. i even constantly question what type of man i’m most supposed to be with- even when i’m WITH a good one. like a lot of girls, i’m chasing a ghost. someone who may not even exist. this scares me. do i take the imperfect, interesting beauty life places in front of me, and realize that that’s what life is… or do i get caught up in my head and say: i should be this, my life should be that, i should be with the type of man who is a, b, or c. even though i’ve yet to meet that phantom man, or even gel with/be interested in him if i HAVE met him.
aren’t all the answers in me? don’t i control my life’s path? if i need / want to accomplish shit, isn’t that all on me? does it matter who i’m with? will i always be unsatisfied? is this the state of the nation – and by nation, i mean privileged people with no real problems? how dare you. it’s all relative. if you have the time to read a blog or instagram, you can relate to me, possibly. but really, is this feeling of perpetual dissatisfaction a sign of the times? does everything move too fast? do we have too many choices at our fingertips? are we comparing ourselves too much because we have the outlets to watch other people brag and showcase their ‘perfect’ exciting lives… even though, behind closed doors, they’re probably suicidal?
i wonder if there’s more. i’ve been listening to radio shows lately that feature a guy named james van praagh, who says we are all just souls who inhabit a body and we never really die. there is no such thing as dying in fact, we just leave the bodies we inhabit. we leave these space suits. and we are here on this earth because we chose to be; to learn a lesson. sometimes i wonder what my lesson is to learn while i’m here. i don’t meditate. i don’t like yoga- sometimes i do, but for the most part i don’t. i like long quiet walks while i people watch and think thoughts and am in my head. i’ve heard this is a type of walking meditation. i’m a searcher. be it with my writing, via therapy, books, psychics, shamans, clairvoyants, tarot, conversations with strangers young & old, etc. i want to know what’s gonna happen, i want to learn from people, i want to know it’s all gonna be ok, i want to make a dent in this lifetime, i want to be seen and be helpful and be recognized for making a positive difference, i want to make people laugh. i want to feel connected. i want to feel like i belong. i want a lot.
i guess i have to find the happy medium of enjoying life, being happy, being grateful, being in the moment, working, and resting – so i can appreciate the special and amazing things that happen, while always simultaneously continuing to strive for more so i grow and feel like i’m learning something, becoming better, contributing something not even intentionally, just via my trying to understand more and go deeper and because i like what i’m doing. and appreciating the moments as they happen. not always living in the future. a future that might never happen.
i have to stop with the “i’ll be happy when that happens.” “when THAT happens, then i’ll feel like i can have fun/take a trip/do that thing/breathe/feel worthy of existing/feel like i’m good enough/bring something to the table/am no longer invisible/am allowed to exist.”
i’m realizing that it’s the process of being ‘in the doing’ and making of things that brings happiness. building a life and collecting stories that makes for an emotionally satisfying full life experience. a rich life. a fulfilling life. a higher quality of life. i’m even gonna get a cat so i have to put my attention on another living thing outside of myself, so i stop being so self-centered and selfish. i’m gonna go out-of-town without being filled with fear that i might miss a job or people might get mad at me. i’m gonna ground myself. i’m gonna have self-worth. i’m striving for more. a higher quality of life.
this perpetual dissatisfaction is a surefire recipe for depression. and it has to stop. i get so trapped in my head, spiral downward and am missing out on what could be a great life because of all my doom and gloom. things that help me get out of my head are listening to music all the time. listening to it loud. taking baths. taking pride in how i put myself together before i leave the house, and throwing myself into writing/work, always having a book to read or listen to; always be learning and discovering things: be it music, art, people, designers, writers, etc. being inspired or to inspire. be nice. talk to strangers… but not too much and not ALL the time. having boundaries is important & being conscious of the energy you expend on people and things that aren’t good for you or who are not worth your time & could suck you in and drain you.
that list was for me. but it’s for you too if you need it.
i’m just trying to be satisfied.
or at least live somewhere in between satisfied and unsatisfied.
Alexi Wasser is a writer, actress, comedian & creator of the popular blog imboycrazy.com. She hosts an advice driven podcast every Wednesday night at 9 PM called ‘Boycrazy Radio‘ with people calling in from all over the world to ask her (and guests) for advice. She describes herself as the big sister you never knew you wanted and maybe even kinda like your friends cool older sister you jerk off to? As inappropriate and crazy as it sounds, Alexi speaks at high schools and colleges around the country serving as a mentor who inspires teens, tweens, and twenty somethings to be the best version of themselves they can possibly be, to dream big, and to avoid making the same mistakes she did. She writes for magazines, has tv shows she’s created in development, and is always collecting experiences that she can regret/learn from/and write about. Follow her on Instagram & Twitter @AlexiWasser.
LF: Let’s start with love and social media. Do’s and don’ts. Too many couple selfies? TMI? Fighting on Facebook?
AW: I don’t mind pda or photos of couples on insta or fb, but the funny thing you have to deal with post break up is having your dating history out there for all to see & more importantly… The NEW person you’re dating. after breakups, i’ll always take a moment and wonder if I should take down all the pix of me and my ex, while we were in love. But then I just leave them. It seems too aggressive to remove it; like it would be insulting to my ex & his friends/family and it would hurt my feelings if an ex took down photos of ME that he’d posted. It’s cooler to just do nothing. But everyone has to do what feels right for them. Here’s what people DON’T wanna see on any of your profiles: food pix, you in a fedora, and… that’s all I can think of right now. I actually encourage posting selfies. No matter what people tell you, selfies get likes. And personally, I believe that not posting selfies means you don’t like yourself. It’s the modern equivalent of showing you have self esteem.
LF: Do you think that because of social media, dating apps, and Tinder, people get relationship ADD?
AW: I think there’s an overall ADD that’s happening with all aspects of life nowadays, not just with relationships. That’s why it’s so important to be mindful of balancing technology with real life social interaction. The whole concept of “there’s always something better” is nothing new, but having all these profiles and photos and pictures at our fingertips does add to the ADD but in a way more intense way. However, depending on where you’re at emotionally/spiritually in life, it could also make you feel more lonely or overwhelmed by choice & crave the simplicity of a genuine connection with one person irl. All that matters is you know what you’re looking for and that when you meet somebody you like, you find out if you’re on the same page & whether or not you two want the same thing.
LF: You and I have talked about this before, what are your thoughts on open relationships? Can they work? A path set up for failure? is it shading monogamy? Is it a millennial dating tactic to continuously see what’s out there without penalty?
AW: Open relationships are nothing new either. It’s not something millennial’s came up with. The thing is, I’m not into open relationships– I’d rather be single or with someone that I want to be monogamous with- but all that matters is that the two people in the relationship agree to the terms of that relationship, so they’re both on the same page. I totally accept if that’s what two people want for themselves in a relationship. it’s none of my business. They just have to be on the same page and be willing to communicate if/when they’re not into it anymore and check in with one another. It all comes down to communication. I mean, they’re also probably going to hell, but, like… I’m not religious, so they can take that up with God on their own time. Not my problem.
LF: What men want vs what women want. What what do you think is the center of this Venn diagram?
AW: Who knows? I’m sure at a core level, we both want the same things? To feel heard, understood, safe, loved, less alone; to laugh & be inspired. It’s such a personal thing. So subjective.
Sometimes even if you think you know what you want, you really don’t know until you meet someone and feel the feeling that feels good, a feeling you want to maintain.
I love being single & I love being in love. There’s so much stuff to do: Friends, family, career, trying new things, exercise, dating, traveling, restaurants to try, books to read, things to write, learning things. For me the goal is to keep moving until you meet someone so undeniable that you have to be with them and then move together.
There’s no such thing as a perfect person. You hope to find someone that’s perfect for you; someone you have a willingness to endure with, who wakes you up inside and makes you feel passionate.
I’ve never been with anybody just for the sake of being with somebody. My friends used to think I threw people away too easy but actually, I pay attention to my intuition and I don’t stay in something that’s wrong for me once I’ve noticed that it’s not working. usually there’s a struggling period of about 2 ½ weeks where I’m stressed & confused about the relationship and talking about it with anybody & everybody who’ll listen including the checkers at whole foods and Starbucks until I reach my verdict, realize I’m unhappy, and make the call.
LF: “The lack of aggressive guys.” The number 1 complaint from most of my girlfriends is that they have to make the first move. I think it’s sexy when someone knows what they want and go for it. Are guys scared of girls or just being polite/lazy?
AW: Yes, I can see how men are becoming more effeminate these days. It’s a sign of the times. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I think it’s all part of the paradigm shift that’s happening now. maybe it’s not that the girls have to initiate, maybe it’s the fact that we live in a time where no one has any patience. Something I’m doing differently now is I’m waiting to see what comes towards me. I’m letting men initiate. But I have to be patient for the right person to initiate. Not everyone’s going to do that and it’s fine to be single and alone and not on the prowl and always trying to make something happen. It’s important to have hobbies and things that inspire you. spend time with your friends and family and focus on your career and yourself. Something will naturally flow into your life that’s worth waiting for. I promise.
LF: Second biggest complaint is the ‘texting game’ – guys taking forever to text you back. Is this move working? Is it just rude. What is even going on with this?
AW: Um, if a person wants to contact you… they will find you. Simple as that. Expect more from human beings. The guys who aren’t texting aren’t the guys you should be waiting around for or lusting after. If you expect to be treated a certain way, only hang with men who treat you that way, who are kind and respectful who don’t play games and actually like you. They exist. I promise. A lot of them are good looking with cool outfits and big privates too! Isn’t that exciting?! I know! Don’t engage with people who don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. Put your attention on something else. These losers shouldn’t even register with you. If you have self worth, you will start attracting what you think you’re worth.
LF: What turns you on/off the most about men?
AW: Turn on: Gets ‘it’, funny, smart, driven, Confident (in life & in bed), good communicator, good simple effortless style, kind, loving, not judgmental, not sarcastic, curiosity & openness to life, nice hands, smells good (aka I’m into his pheromones), likes cats, loves his mom. Not mean.
Turn offs: The opposite of everything I just said I was turned on by.
LF: Confusing lust for love? Any advice on how to tell them apart?
AW: Time will be the decider. you will wake from the lust phase and it’ll all become clear. Wear a condom. And don’t say I love you or make a baybay too soon. Please.
LF: Biggest mistake you ever made in a relationship?
AW: I have no regrets. Oh wait, spoke too soon: jealousy, playing games, being angry based on nothing, testing a guy to see how much he loved me & could handle. Um, but like, i’m TOTALLY healthy now. That was the OLD me.
Unfortunately though, even seeing a therapist and doing all the self work you can do on your own… Nothing brings up your deep seeded issues more than being IN a relationship and seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. It’s then that you have to face yourself, cuz you’re made to be so vulnerable.
LF: Best piece of dating advice you’ve learned.
AW: Be kind, you never have to do anything you don’t want to do, never be afraid to say no, have fun, dress to impress.
You’re never alone… especially if you sit in front of photobooth 24/7.
If & when you discover that you’re no longer into the person you’re dating, don’t waste either one of your time, be honest & get out of it as soon as possible in the most charming & diplomatic way possible. the goal is to not be irresponsible with anyone’s feelings, including your own. maybe/hopefully remain friends.
Date as many people as you want, but recognize it can be quite an energy drain and take away from your energy put towards more productive endeavors.
Personally, I think it’s irresponsible & dangerous to sleep with more than one person while you’re single; emotionally & health wise. but I’ve TOTALLY done it. I’m speaking from experience. That’s why I’ve graduated to only dating & sleeping with one person at a time, that way I can see it through and then move onto the next thing if/when I’m over it. At least I will have given that person a solid chance.
Wow, I wonder what the old me would’ve thought of this if she were reading it. ha!
Actually, just watch this video:
if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:
yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be) ‘…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going before my dead body’s even cold – after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.
but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.
but don’t you dare kill yourself!
FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.
write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.
write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.
have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.
i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.
lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.
here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”
if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.