1. after having sex while on your period & your inner thighs are covered in blood; i think a funny thing to do would be to start screaming “My baby! My baby! What have you done with my baby?”
2. probably best to just take off your necklace BEFORE giving the blowjob… cuz it’s GONNA be an issue, so you may as well save yourself the trouble.
3. just accept the fact that every single place that serves food is FILTHY!
4. it’s so much more special when the audiobook is read by the author.
5. there should be a channel that ONLY plays FRIENDS
6. try to express your love for your significant other the way i do by saying something along the lines of: “even though nobody else does, I love you… but that could change at any moment.” I know that might sound mean, but trust me… you’ve got em RIGHT where you want em.
7. sometimes I look back at ALL the men I’ve slept with & think “It’s a miracle I don’t have AIDS or an STD!” If your an ex boyfriend of mine, this isn’t about you… I’m talking about all the guys I slept with in between the actual guys that mattered.
8. if the guy you’re dating buys one ply toilet paper, break up with him immediately. clearly he doesn’t care about HIMSELF, so how could he possibly care about YOU?!
9. Facebook is so O V E R.
10. if he’s in his thirties and your boyfriend is starting physical fights with people after a few drinks… someone needs to hit his reset button and remind him that he’s an adult and not a cast member on real housewives of Atlanta. adults don’t brawl. we use our BRAINS and ignore trivial losers we want to punch.
1. DO have bloody crime scene sex if you’re having your period, but REALLY want to sleep with the boy of your dreams. if he’s a man, he can totally handle it and won’t give a FUCK!
2. Shave your legs, even if you don’t have a date, a life, a man, or plans in general. you NEVER know what’s gonna happen! YES, we all know the urban legend that says good things happen when we FORGET to shave our legs… but come on ladies, just fucking shave them. it’s valentine’s day. do it for YOU!
3. keep you’re vadge neatly coiffed! again, even if you don’t plan on having your privates licked, fondled, or visible in any way, shape, or form… this is for you. it’s always nice to keep yourself in tip top shape! look good feel good. cuz you can! and besides, WHO knows who could end up down there. even if its just YOU touching yourself, it’s a nice gesture.
4. NO sweatpants. technically ever! but especially TODAY!
5. if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends (boys and girls), go out, and have a dance party!
6. yes, even though it’s valentine’s day, DO go on a first date or a blind date. no, it isn’t too intense JUST because it’s valentines day. chillax. it’s just a day with no real meaning, other than an excuse to get dressed up, be fucked, eat chocolate, get flowers, feel lonely, and/or talk about love with your friends. choose the fun choices dum dum! it’s not such a big deal!
7. Buy YOURSELF flowers! I do it ALL the time!
8. if you’re single, stay home and have a movie marathon! watch these movies/TV shows: valley girl, moonstruck, flash dance, before sunset, before sunrise, Annie hall, Manhattan, when harry met sally, dazed and confused, truth or dare, the devil wears prada, sex and the city (the tv show, NOT the movies) THEN: take a bubble bath, light a candle, moisturize, touch yourself until you make yourself cum, and then doze off. personally, i like to call this ‘monday’.
9. it’s: ‘Valentine’s Day’! NOT : ‘Valen-TIMES day’! what’s up with the popularity of this mispronunciation lately? is there some new rap song to blame for this? and if so, send me the link!
10. alternate: if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends, STAY IN and blab about life, boys, sex/watch movies, etc. remember slumber parties?! yeah, they’re fucking great!
11. yes, i strongly encourage you to see the bieber movie or ‘no strings attached’ alone on valentines day! yeah, i said it! why the fuck not? just don’t buy too much candy. one small popcorn, no butter and one chice of candy TOPS! may i suggest: red vines, peanut m&ms, or gummy bears? you’re welcome in advance! xo
12. yes, have so much sex you can barely walk the next day. if this involves flying to visit a boy you met on new years eve with long hair and is younger than you, i completely back up that choice. wait, can you tell i’m talking about me?
13. if you have your period and the dude knows it and still wants to lick your p**sy, you are the luckiest girl in the world. PS: the dude is no longer to be considered a boy. he is a gnarly, badass, sexy, MAN. like out of an 8o’s movie or something.
14. let the dude pay. you’re a woman, he’s the dude, AND its mother fucking valentine’s day. it may be 2014, but we have to find the perfect balance between old school and new school values. more on that later.
15. get a manicure pedicure.
16. wear matching undies. i suggest shopping at la perla. it’s uber expensive, but soo beautiful. the only bummer is when you realize you spent like $300 on a matching bra and panty set, and the boy who’s taking them off you couldn’t care less what your bra and undies look like, unless they were like stained granny undies or something way gross like that- then he’d notice, but other than that: he just wants to get your boobs in his mouth and his privates deep in your privates.
17. kiss sooo much that his 5 o’clock shadow gives you an intense dose of microdermabrasion! you can just tell people you got wind burn. or do what i do and say to anyone whose path you cross: ‘oh my god, i totally made out soo much that the boys facial hair took off a layer of my face! do i look like a monster? no, don’t answer! i already know the answer to that question. happy valentines day’!
18. let your boyfriend cook you dinner. PS: it’s totally OK to eat carbohydrates tonight, cuz you’re gonna need the energy and will burn it all off during your super epic intense sex sesh!
19. play spin the bottle! (even if you’re alone. just sit in front of a mirror and spin. that. bottle.)
20. read Kelly cutrone’s book: ‘if you have to cry, go outside- and other things your mother never told you.’ it’s so fucking epic and inspiring!
21. get a massage. this day could be just another day..OR you could use it as an excuse to do nice things for yourself and feel girly and sexy.
22. go to a Korean naked spa. however, don’t go if you are having your period. that’s just plain rude/disrespectful.
23. drink lots of tea!
24. organize your closet.
25. write a list for yourself that describes the kind of man/boy and type of relationship you’re looking for/hoping to find!
26. call your mom and say hello!
27. text everyone you know and wish them a happy valentines day.
28. if you’re single and you see a cute dude at a bar/club/what have you, use ‘happy valentine’s day’ as the perfect conversation starter!
29. dear mistletoe, what the fuck?! way to abandon the world RIGHT when we need you most! so, you’re available around Christmas time- but you’re nowhere to be found on valentine’s day when we could really use the make-out help/wing-man esque assistance you provide? thanks for nothing!
30. love yourself. cuz if you don’t, why should anyone else? you attract people operating on the same level as yourself/people who match your mind-frame. so let’s keep your own personal bar of self respect and love super high! cuz if you don’t…. just imagine the creeps you’re gonna attract. creeps who will only like you/treat you as much as you like/treat yourself.
31. read all of my past blog entries! they will only make you feel BETTER! i promise!
33. for the love of god: WEAR SOMETHING SEXY!
34. go on a bike ride in a short skirt. be aware of predators and rapists. avoid them at all costs and continue your ride. pedal faster if you have to!
35 remember: you are never alone. i love you.
Listen, we all know Valentine’s Day is a bogus, made up holiday created by the greeting card industry to make money…. But who the fuck cares?! Stop being such a judgey emo kill-joy! It’s here, it exists, we’ve all entered this unspoken agreement as a society to go along with it, so just shut the fuck up and embrace it! After all, it’s an excuse to get gifts, give gifts, and over indulge in sex/chocolate/pink/and red! Let’s celebrate it!
What I still don’t understand is why mistletoe hasn’t made the obvious crossover into Valentine’s Day. What a mistake. Mistletoe isn’t utilized enough during Christmas even. I can never even really find it! But that’s neither here nor there! Back to Valentine’s Day – which I’ve noticed is mispronounced left and right as “Valen-TIME’s day.” WTF?! It reminds me of the time Kim Kardashian (who I don’t even dislike) mispronounced the name of HER OWN FRAGRANCE – calling it ‘VuLUMPtuous’ instead ‘Vuluptuos.’ Who are these people?! What happened to us? And on a side note, not having to do with Valentine’s Days AT ALL—but just a grammatical error that pisses me off beyond belief—is when people sai “I could care less.” It’s “COUNDN’T care less” NOT “COULD care less.” The point of the saying is: you care SO LITTLE, you COULDN’T possible care less! But I digress, back to Valentine’s day and you:
Contrary to what society rams down your throat, Valentine’s Day ISN’T just for couples. It can be enjoyed in a multitude of ways by anyone with a pulse and privates. The following is my guide to celebrating Valentine’s day no matter how much of a winner or loser you might feel like, no matter what your predicament/situation/condition.
And always remember, no matter what you do this Valentine’s Day, no matter who you’re with: I LOVE YOU!
1. YOU’RE IN A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP:
Well, since your probs quickly on your way to falling out of love anyways, tonight’s the night to breathe some semblance of fire back into your relationship. And if you are happy, tonight’s the night to get real weird and nasty in the bedroom. The good thing about sharing a thingcalledintimacy is that you can feel safe enough to be naked, make weird faces, and try out new postions, lube, toys, etc. So put on a pair of sexy MATCHING bra and panties, go out to a beautiful expensive restaurant… or just some place you love, let him pay, drink champagne or vodka sodas, go home and have the craziest most un-selfconscious intense sex of your life. Just don’t make a baby. I’m/you’re not ready for that.
2. IF YOU’RE SINGLE AND TOTALLY ALONE:
This is great! You have no one to answer to! You’re wide open to do ANYTHING you like and/or meet someone who’s right for you instead of being tethered to some guy who makes you miserable and is basically just a warm body, who doesn’t make your life BETTER; which is what two people in a relationship should be doing for one another—making each other happy & inspiring one another to be the best versions of themselves they can possibly be. So, don’t feel sorry for yourself: Being single is just as great as being in a great relationship—it’s just different! So put on some mascara, a red dress, shave your fucking legs cuz you never know who you might meet, even if it’s the pizza delivery guy! Stay in and gossip/gab on the phone with your bffs, text, insta, take an Epsom salt bath, online shop, put a beautiful slip on to lounge in—just for YOU—and have a Sex & The City, Bravo, rom com, movie marathon. Have a pen and paper by your side while you do this, it’s called multi-tasking, and write a list of what you want for yourself in the coming weeks, months, years. What are your goals: career and romantically speaking? Inspire yourself. Start daydreaming about what the future could be. Make a detailed list of places you want to travel, things & guys you want to do, and what kind of man you hope to eventually be in a relationship with. Light some candles, touch your privates, and call it a night. That wasn’t so bad at all, was it?
3. IF YOU’RE GOING ON A DATE WITH A STRANGER /A BLIND DATE WITH SOME TINDR LOSER:
Well, first off, I want it to be known that I do not advocate Tindr. I think it’s really embarrassing and for losers (mainly it’s the dudes I think are the losers). But, if you must: meet up in a public place. The goal is to NOT get raped and/or murdered. Let him buy the drinks, but DON’T let him buy the drinks without you being there to make sure he doesn’t roofie you.
4. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR BFF:
SLUMBER PARTY! Oh shit! This is gonna be a blast! Like the good old days when guys weren’t yet mature enough or sexually curious enough to make a move on you and all you had/were allowed to do was hang out at your girlfriends house! I miss 6th grade, don’t you!? Prank phone calls, truth or dare, green Mint Julep Queen Helene facial masks, and pizza! It’s not binge eating if you’re with someone else/they’re doing it too. Afterwards, go to Yogurtland and get froyo. So what if it’s February?! Play twister, wear matching rompers, and prank call all the guys you ever dated and all the girls you can’t stand. Don’t forget to press *67 before you dial out! And if that all gets super boring and you guys wanna search for dudes to flirt with: put on some sexy dresses (preferably in black, red, or white), throw on some red or burgundy lipstick (I’m giving you options cuz there are two of you, duh), order an Uber car (cuz drinking and driving is not sexy), arrive at a bar/club/or Valentine’s Day party (where all the cutest guys will be), dance the night away, people watch, and be eachother’s wingwoman!
5. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR PLATONIC MALE FRIEND:
Ugh, what a vadge blocker! What are you doing?! He’s either secretly or not so secretly in love with you or vice versa! Either this is the night you guys have sex… or just go see a movie at the mall and have a wonderful time with a man that makes you feel safe, happy, and not threatened sexually whatsoever. Wait, I changed my mind, platonic guy friends are the best actually.
6. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR MOM:
Well, this is nice! You guys can gab about life and love and dreams and goals and make lists of the type of perfect mate you hope to someday meet. You guys can discuss career and life goals. And all the other things you’d be way too embarrassed to tell anyone who isn’t related to you. You guys can go get a massage, get your nails done, burn sage, go on a hike, light some palo santo, whatever it is that’s cleansing and productive. And the best thing about a mom is that they usually pay and the can rub your back, braid your hair, and give you a comforting hug that won’t leave you with an unwanted pregnancy (is there any other kind?) or std.
7. IF YOU’RE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR DOG/CAT:
So you have a kitty or a doggy! Good for you! NO, I do NOT think you’re a weird cat person. Not at all! Animals are amazing, and adorable, and a wonderful source of something very rare: unconditional love! SO, if it’s just the two of you (I’m all for cats and dogs—I’m actually WAY more of a cat person—but I really hope you only have one kitty or doggy MAX): Put on something cozy, but well fitting, for a comfortable night in. However, NO sweatpants! Sweatpants promote binge eating, and just because you’re not trying to impress some guy doesn’t mean you should look like a ragamuffin. It’s nice to feel sexy, even if only for yourself. Plus, at some point on Valentine’s Day eve, you may be taking lil Fido on a walk, in PUBLIC… where desirables might see you! But, when back inside, curl up with your animal, order a pizza—which goes against everything I usually stand for—but recently I’ve discovered that bread is totally not as scary as I used to think it was. As long as you don’t eat the whole pizza (in one sitting) you’re golden! Eat half of it, flaunt it in front of your animal; taunt it for not being human enough to be able to ingest and digest pizza, pet it with your hand that isn’t greasy and have a movie marathon. Here are some of my favorite movies to watch at home alone as a single girl with no boyfriend or prospects whatsoever: Something Borrowed; Dear Mom, Love Cher; Annie Hall, Manhattan; My Wife Is An Actress; Truth or Dare; Broken English; Bridesmaids; Flash Dance; Bridget Jones’ Diary; Notting Hill; Pretty Woman; Desperatly Seeking Susan; Beaches; Moonstruck; Sixteen Candles; Fast Times at Ridgemont High; High Fidelity; Almost Famous; Pretty in Pink; Me Without You.
Oh, and after you’re done with your pizza, TOTALLY wash your hands and touch your privates. But don’t even THINK about smearing your vadge with peanut butter and trying to involve your animal in your weird sexual antics… cuz that would be sick… SICK! I’d actually prefer if you made your pet leave the room before you fuck yourself with your finger or vibrator or whatever it is you’ll be doing to get yourself off. Maybe watch a little porn on Redtube after your romcom marathon (or in between Flash Dance and Bridget Jones’ Diary, just to mix it up! Light some candles, plop onto your bed after a 2 hour long Epsom salt bath, and go to sleep with your unconditional lover.