i wote this a while ago after a fight that began as an attempt to fix a previous fight in a string of many fights:
i apologized. i was nice. i was the adult version of me, i made a conscious effort to be. i was silly, i was loving. and i didn’t mean anything bad… at all. i promise. i wasn’t in a hissy fit. i changed the subject. i talked about stuff other than ‘us’ or ‘fighting’. i was trying to show him. i was trying to get back on track.
we’d just been through the worst weekend trip ever. our relationship was long distance and we were making it work. haven’t having seen each other in 17 days, we were having a quick 48 hour visit. those are a lot of pressure. cuz you want it to go well. you have high expectations. and there’s no real-time for error. this trip didn’t go well. it started on a bad foot, thanks to my insecurities. you wanna know what i did? i shouldn’t tell you. i should save face. but i’ll tell you. i got pissed at him because a girl i cannot STAND and is known to be TROUBLE followed him on instagram. but that’s not why i went ballistic. i went ballistic cuz he followed her BACK. i’m not proud of this behavior, but i’m sure my honesty is appreciated and my behavior (however lame) is relatable. this petty, completely unneccessary fight that i started took us on a mutual journey to a million other arguments about issues we have. realer issues. or i should say, REAL issued. our main issue being not hearing each other, making up our own narratives, getting defensive, and just being bad at communicating. or more specifically: we communicate in different ways. in hind sight, our MAIN MAIN MAIN issue being the long distance, the pressure of quick visits, his emotional unavailability and my trust/deep-rooted daddy issues… but back to the story.
i went home. and it stung. it was heavy. i felt relieved to be home, but so lonely. i felt like i’d just lived a nightmare. it was over? already?! what the fuck just happened? a bad 48 hours, and that’s it? was it ruined? but i loved him. and that doesn’t happen all the time. it’s rare. for me anyway.
i could feel this was about more than just the bad 48hrs; it was the culmination of every fight we’ve ever had. he’d hit his limit. and i had too. could this be fixed? if i just acted nice and cool the next time i saw him, would it erase this horrible blip? if i stopped trying to ruin it; if i stopped getting defensive, if i dropped it, if i was just lighter- could we be okay? i loved so many things about him. i was willing to just start fresh the next time i saw him. i wasn’t sure if he was.
the next day we spoke. for two hours. i was calm. i apologized. i wanted to make it better, i swear.
in my heart- my only intention/the only things i wanted him to know were these: i love him, i want him to move to la because i love him so much, i would marry him if he wanted me to, i would have a child with him,
i just love him and want him to be happy and i want him to live with me in los angeles. only good things.
how this hopeful conversation turned bad, i don’t know. but it did.
so now, while he’s at his house, far away from me. and i’m at mine… the thing that worries me most is our problem communicating.
if all i meant/was trying to express to him/ had in my heart was that i want him with me, that i love him and i’m sorry… how did he still end up taking me the worst way, and sounding exhausted by me when i tried my hardest to make it clear i didn’t mean anything bad at all, and apologized profusely?
are the wounds of our weekend fight still too fresh and that’s what this is about? or will we always have miscommunications that turn into two people hurt and exhausted?
tonight, i tried to tell him he’s the love of my life… but i was terrified and way too shy. but i tried. i think i actually even told him. so how did this phone call go bad? i guess he couldn’t hear my apologies or he needs more time to believe them. if he ever does.
i love him so much, but he didn’t hear me.
but i guess i deserve that, because he loved me and i couldn’t hear him either. i swear, we’ve been on the same page at the same time sometimes. i swear.
could we overcome our bad communication? could love be stronger than that?
and as for this journal entry: i hope he doesn’t view it as an attack. and instead see’s it as the love letter it’s meant to be.