the blind leading the blind (part 128):

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1. some people love new car smell. some people HATE new car smell because they say it’s the smell of toxic chemicals. the latter are technically correct, but fuck them! i just got a new car you snobby uptight hippy! take the bus!

2. when adopting a kitten at an animal shelter, ask yourself this question “how likable will the kitty be on Instagram?” then choose the one who will garner the most ‘likes’.  there’s a lot of competition out there!

3. wearing boyfriend jeans will keep you from having a boyfriend. not because people actually think you’re wearing your boyfriend’s jeans, but because they look like shit.

4. jesus christ. why would anyone online date when facebook is already so overtly sexual and yet way more subtle than a dating site?

5. life is just like a really long GIF, ya know?

6. always have pretzels and ginger ale or sprite in your kitchen… because, you just never know. you never know.

7. dear women: when air furiously comes out of your vagina, when you least expect it, catching you off guard in front of the guy who was most likely the perpetrator of jamming all that air into you to begin with (OR EVEN WORSE you’re in front of the love of your life) and it’s really crazy loud and you already have an intense shame about bodily functions in general… yes, it’s the most embarrassing thing in the world. but yelling ‘that was air coming out of my vagina’ at the top of your lungs so all your neighbors, and all the other people you never wanted to include in this moment, can hear you – is NOT the answer. i know you want to make it clear that the air that just burst out of you was DEFINITELY not coming out of your bum hole and most definitely coming out of your vadge hole (because as a society we’ve somewhere, somehow decided that this hole is way less gross. and we’re right. besides, you don’t even have an asshole anymore, remember? why would you? you had it sewed up years ago, since you have no use for it at all and don’t do that.) but maybe bursting into tears and yelling a narrative of whats just spewed from your insides is not quite the answer either. let’s find a happy medium, shall we? maybe just whisper. like your pussy did. xx

8. try to incorporate tights into your wardrobe this week. black, navy, or mock.

9. at the end of ‘lost in translation’, when bill murray whispers into scarlet johanson’s ear and you can’t hear what he says… i found out he said this “well, i have to be going now. but i’m not going to let that come between us.”  this isn’t advice, but it may fill a void.

10. men are simple. at least more simple than girls are. please, for their sake and yours, don’t bring up all the intricacies of your mind; “are you mad at me?” “are you ok? you seem weird.” “i feel like you don’t like me or something.” “what’s wrong?” “you’re so quiet. what’s THAT all about?” “are you guys all hanging out without me?” “that last phone call was all weird, i was really out of it, um, now i’m all self-conscious. ugh. you don’t hate me now do you? oh god. this is probably so annoying isn’t it? i’m sorry. i’m just feeling really weird and i wanna make sure we’re ok. so, like, we’re ok… right?”

THAT’s the shit that will frustrate/annoy the guy; not the initial, minor, non thing they he never even sensed to begin with that you’re now spiraling over. but you aren’t gonna listen to me, are you? you’re gonna bring it up any way, aren’t you? oh god. you are. : /

 

 

Tonight “BOYCRAZY RADIO” – Call in! xx

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Things To Keep You From Killing Yourself:

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if you’re already at such a low point emotionally that you want to take your own life, you’re actually in an ideal position. you’re so low, you have nothing to lose. and because of that, now is the time you should most definitely NOT KILL YOURSELF. let me explain:

yes, you feel hopeless and in pain; but feeling the way you feel resets you, it puts you at ground zero. now you can start over from a place of ‘i don’t give a fuck’ (and that’s a very powerful place to be)  ’…cuz i can’t get any lower, but i’ll be damned if i’m gonna let everyone else win by being stronger than me and going on, while I take my own life and then am not even able to hover over my own funeral like you imagine you’ll be able to and inevitably witness the world just keep on going  before my dead body’s even cold - after a few fb/instagram likes regarding my death and sobs that will be forgotten in less than a week.’ no fucking way. this mood is a blessing. let it serve you and rebirth you and make you stronger – ALIVE and stronger.

but first things first, in order to pull yourself out of the deep vortex that is your mood, you must grab a life raft before you get sucked into making an irreversible decision. it’s now your job to do everything in your power to bring yourself immediate happiness (except kill, harm, or put others/yourself in danger). now is the time to eat pizza without worrying about what it might do to your figure (after all, a moment ago, you were gonna off yourself – so why worry about your figure?), go shopping, get your hair dramatically altered, be brave while not giving a fuck what anyone may or may not think of you. Sing in public, write, sky dive, walk, get drunk (but uber it), wear lipstick you’ve always been too afraid to wear, write your dad or mom or ex or whoever a disarmingly honest letter saying all the things you’ve always wanted to say.

but don’t you dare kill yourself!

FUCK everyone else. FUCK everything. Just get a slice of pizza, and take a moment to watch the world. you need not say or do anything. just BE. that’s enough. truly. your presence is affecting someone in a positive way without you even realizing it. i swear to god. even if you don’t believe in god. i swear. people notice you, even if you feel invisible. you make an impact, a ripple, a difference. so just take a moment, be quiet, and breathe. be kind to yourself. stop the constant chatter in your head, WITHOUT STICKING A GUN IN YOUR MOUTH. stop worrying. everything is ok, really. it will be. it’s just how you consciously decide to react to life. everything is a choice. so choose to live cooler, and happier, and less frantic, and bogged down, and stressed. it’s not all so serious. but hang in there to find that out and experience all the fun stuff you might not see right now, but i promise is around the corner.

write a list of what you like about yourself. it’s also ok to think you’re beautiful, even though for some reason we live in a culture where we think we’re supposed to brush off compliments and only say bad things about ourselves: ‘we’re ugly, dumb, weird, fat, imperfect, blah blah blah.’ fuck all that. what’s ‘perfect’? you’re beautiful. you’re allowed to exist. you’re allowed to like yourself. it’s not conceited. it’s just the truth. fuck sarcasm. be nice. i wish everyone would just be nice. people are nice. but it starts with you. be nice to yourself.

write a list of all the things you’ve been too terrified and intimidated to try/see/do because you don’t think you’re capable. you are. and even if you aren’t, who cares? it’s not worth killing yourself over. write a list of places you want to travel to. write a list of all the boys/girls you have crushes on. write letters to people you hate for whatever reason and then burn those letters and let it go. start seeing a GOOD therapist who you feel you GEL with and is helpful and makes you feel safe and understood. start a blawg, don’t start a blawg, take photos, volunteer for kids and people less fortunate than you- because I promise you, they exist. and they’re still among the living; fighting for every breath and grateful for it. go on long walks, it’ll make your mood better. maybe go on an anti-depressant. maybe don’t. maybe cut out the bad toxic people in your ife, even if they come in the form of your family. most likely, they do. stop doing drugs and drinking, the come downs are horrible and are probably the reason you feel suicidal right now.

have protected sex, a lot. let a guy lick your pussy for a long time. don’t ask him to stop because you assume he doesn’t like it. that’s his problem. let him stop cuz he decides to stop. and if he stops sooner than you’d like him to, push his head back down there. learn how to give the best blow job in the world. masturbate. listen to audiobooks read by the author. it really makes a difference when the audiobook is read by the author. masturbate WHILE listening to an audiobook read by the author. take an epsom salt bath. go to the beach, it’s like one HUGE epsom salt bath! realize that even if you lost your home and all your possessions, you’d be ok. you could get a job at mcdonald’s, target, or starbux (i’m sorry these places come to mind when i’m describing hitting rock bottom.) be nice to people just cuz. get a job at urban o, or american ap – wherever the bustling street is that has a melrose vibe in the city you live in. see bands play. go on dates. watch all the mindless shows on e and bravo; it’s like drinking 3 martini’s and being clobbered over the head with a boot- which just might shake you out of this funk. get a kitten or a puppy; as long as it’s not to eat and you treat it lovingly. have faith that love is real and you WILL meet the next great love of your life. be excited about getting older – it means you survived.

i wrote this because when i was a teenager i was really moody. i did drugs (speed), tried to kill myself, and ended up in a coma for 2 weeks. i’m so fucking thankful i woke up. i’m so fucking thankful i lived. but even all these years later, even though i don’t do drugs anymore- and for the most part, am a happy person, i still get sad/moody/and low sometimes. and it’s during those times i have to actively remind myself why living is awesome and that there’s no fucking reason to hurt myself ever again, and that there’s no fucking reason to take my (temporary) mood so far.

lately i’ve been reading about a lot of people who have taken their own lives. strangers. and when i realize how sad and affected i feel about these people i’ve never even met… it makes me think about how their families and friends and boyfriends or girlfriends or husbands or wives must feel. we’re all connected. we’re not alone. we all get sad, we all feel hopeless and helpless sometimes… but be strong. you matter too much to hurt yourself. even if you don’t know it, you do.

here’s a helpful quote i found via @_NealeDWalsch on twitter: “What a joy this life is, with all its sadness and pain, its tests and its obstacles. What a joy to be alive and experiencing all of it.”

call me any wed at 9pm pst during ‘boycrazy radio’ if you need a pep talk or a friend (646) 378-0649 / i’ll serve as a big sister who listens, distracts you, and offers advice.

if you wanna leave your own inspiring reasons for choosing to live, or want to share a personal story to help someone in turmoil please do so in the comment section.

Love, Alexi

CALL ME TONIGHT #AdviceHotline

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the blind leading the blind (part 127):

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1. just keep pretending everything’s ok… even though it totally isn’t.

 

2. sometimes all a mom can say via text is: ‘call your therapist’ and it really is the best & only advice she can give.

 

3. when dining alone at a sushi restaurant, always sit at the sushi bar and pretend you’re on a date with the guy you’re wedged in next to… even if he is someone elses husband.

 

4. bacon is always good as long it’s cooked the way you want it. Whereas sausage is a gamble even if it’s cooked perfectly.

 

5. long distance relationships aren’t real relationships. i should know, i’m in one.

 

6. start referring to erect penis’ as (misplaced) unicorn horns. it’s so much more mystical.

 

7. saying ‘that was my stomach’ in a panic after your stomach growls is WAY worse than saying nothing at all. I mean, what else would it have been? This advice of keeping your mouth shut and not explaining yourself ALSO applies in the following scenarios: 1. your chair is squeaking/makes a weird sound when you move and when you try to recreate the sound while saying ‘it was the chair’ but then the chair doesn’t make the sound again. and 2. stepping on a weird part of a wood floor and again trying to recreate the squeak while explaining yourself to no avail. Just let it be.

 

8. knowing what NOT to tweet is even MORE important than what you actually decide to tweet.

 

9. getting married is the new ‘i don’t believe in marriage.’ we’ve done and seen it all! some things work, other things don’t. just jump in! so what if you get divorced in 7 years? at least you did it! monogamy is the new ‘wylin out’ or whatever that horrible pop culture phrase was when it was. plus, all that really matters as a woman is who you decide to have a baby with. that’s what needs to be the most precious decision. not marriage.

 

10. dear drivers, when you get in your car and i’m waiting for your parking spot, don’t sit in your car forever! or at least let me know if you don’t plan on leaving immediately instead of avoiding eye contact with me, pretending not to hear my horn honking, or just being completely un self-aware in general! we’re all in this together. we need to communicate!!! … unless it’s me. in which case; leave me alone. i’m probably figuring out how to get to my next destination, eating a sandwich, instagramming, and/or texting with everyone i know. so beat it. i am allowed to be here no matter how scarce parking is! for the love of god, i’m not giving up this spot. and if you keep honking, i’ll just get out and go back inside the supermarket or whatever establishment i came from and risk you keying my car.

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In Case You MISSED This Wednesday’s “BOYCRAZY RADIO”…

Online Women Radio at Blog Talk Radio with Alexi Wasser on BlogTalkRadio

the blind leading the blind (part 126):

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1. after having sex while on your period & your inner thighs are covered in blood; i think a funny thing to do would be to start screaming “My baby! My baby! What have you done with my baby?”

2. probably best to just take off your necklace BEFORE giving the blowjob… cuz it’s GONNA be an issue, so you may as well save yourself the trouble.

3. just accept the fact that every single place that serves food is FILTHY!

4. it’s so much more special when the audiobook is read by the author.

5. there should be a channel that ONLY plays FRIENDS #calmingtelevision

6. try to express your love for your significant other the way i do by saying something along the lines of: “even though nobody else does, I love you… but that could change at any moment.”  I know that might sound mean, but trust me… you’ve got em RIGHT where you want em.

7. sometimes I look back at ALL the men I’ve slept with & think “It’s a miracle I don’t have AIDS or an STD!” If your an ex boyfriend of mine, this isn’t about you… I’m talking about all the guys I slept with in between the actual guys that mattered.

8. if the guy you’re dating buys one ply toilet paper, break up with him immediately. clearly he doesn’t care about HIMSELF, so how could he possibly care about YOU?!

9. Facebook is so O V E R.

10. if he’s in his thirties and your boyfriend is starting physical fights with people after a few drinks… someone needs to hit his reset button and remind him that he’s an adult and not a cast member on real housewives of Atlanta. adults don’t brawl. we use our BRAINS and ignore trivial losers we want to punch.



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