love of your life, boy of your dreams:

If you want to fall in love, and you’ve had bad luck in the past, or you’re just unclear/not sure about what you want in someone……Make a wish list! it helps you be clear, daydream, and specify what actually matters to you! here’s mine- so you don’t think I’m just trying to make you do something lame:


he’s a facilitator of dreams
he makes me laugh sooo much
he listens to me and doesn’t wish I’d shut the fuck up
he actually likes to listen to me and hear what i have been storing up in my mind
he likes me
i like him
he is my friend
he’s the most gorgeous sexy man I’ve ever seen
he loves me
i love him
he’s extremely smart
he’s charming
he’s great in social situations
nonsmoker
he drinks every once in a while-only socially
he’s very successful and loves the work that he does
he’s funny
he’s witty
he’s quick witted
i respect him
he respects me
he’s the best sex I’ve ever had in my life
I’m the best sex he’s ever had in his life
he’s very stylish
he’s great dresser
i make him laugh
he doesn’t make me angry
we make each others lives BETTER
i am his best friend
he is my best friend
we have the best sex in the world
we don’t fight
we laugh all the time
he loves me
i love him
i have no desire to cheat
he has no desire to cheat
we look great together
we are a handsome couple
i love how i see myself through his eyes
i am the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen
he is my age or a little bit older
he totally gets my sense of humor
i totally get his sense of humor
he surprises me with presents: like Chanel bags (black jumbo classic lambskin bag with gold hardware-if not black, rosebud, but always lambskin NOT cambon and always gold hardware), flowers (white roses, tulips, red roses)
he has the money to pay for these things and not go bankrupt
he’s cool
he’s not a poser
he’s confident
he knows who he is
he inspires me
i inspire him
we are in love!

*YES, i know i rambled and repeated myself, and said very BIG grandiose things! but who cares! love is crazy and exciting and amazing! and I’d rather dream big, rather than small! xoxo


what you want your life to be:

So, the new year is nearly upon us and LOTS of things need to change!!! Ask yourselves these questions: Are you happy? do you like who you see in the mirror? are you in love? Do you want to be in love? Do you have a serious crush on someone? Do you dress like a lame fucking asshole? Do you need a new haircut and color tweak? (I strongly recommend goodform on Fairfax if you live in Los Angeles, or are even just visiting la for a layover! Ask for jay! he’s a whiz at cuts and a master of color! I’m not kidding, so stop laughing! The dude will change your life! Plus he’s hot, AND straight, with abs of steal!) Do you need an attitude adjustment? Do you like how you make people feel? Or how you feel around people? Do you hate your job? Are you in a rut? Do you smoke? Do you do drugs or drink too much? Are you mean, jealous, vindictive and talk a lot of shit? Do you hurt peoples feelings and get off on making people feel small? Do you hate your family? Do you even really like your friends? Let’s reassess why? Do you need to do some clutter control/spring cleaning/a winter wipe out- when it comes to toxic friends and or family that make you super bummed and only drain you of energy? If you’re always coming home from a get together sad and in tears or tired…don’t get together with the person you just got home from hanging out with. Do you care too much about what people think about you that it’s sometimes debilitating and crippling your soul? Think about these questions! 2009 should be a fucking rad year for you (and me, let’s not be selfish, geeze!)! Let’s make that happen! Tomorrows post will zero in on love, but this post is for your overall life!!! Go through your closet and get rid of anything and everything you never wear/use anymore. Make piles! Don’t be one! Once your piles are in order, take the most fashionable of the piles to be sold at wasteland! Don’t waste their time with yellow arm pitted hanes t shirts thank you very much! They don’t owe you shit! Tell Ernest and the gang that I say hi and I love you! Take the money you make, and RUN to get a Starbucks -there’s one down the street by urban outfitters- and write your new years resolutions! What do you want your life to be? This is VERY important! I really do believe that you paint your own life picture! Listen, if you’re reading this blog it means you probably care a lot about your outfits and how you present yourself/put yourself together-on a day to day basis! Why not care just as much about your life’s future and where you end up!? The clock is ticking! The cigs and alcohol and drugs are aging you! And youth is power! So cash in on it now! Look at Cory Kennedy and mark hunter! They’re making their youth count!!! How about you? I’m not even exactly sure what they do, but it seems super fun/providing them with money and notoriety. Back to the point: just sort yourself out, get your priorities straight! And make a contribution to the world by being the best you can be! didn’t nelson Mandela have a quote about that or something “shine your light bright so you’ll inspire others to shine their light” or whatever? Blah blah blah! Just try not to do drugs and be an asshole. I hope I’ve made my point. Stay tuned for the “get that love 2009 style” post tomorrow. I love you. Now make sure that you love you. Later! Xoxo
ps: i stole this from a lovely young woman’s myspace page: “Say what you want, and do what you feel because those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.”~Dr. Seuss

the blind leading the blind PART 4:

31. drink earl grey tea. it’s fancy and good.

32. make oranges your new best friend. they smell good and taste just as good as they smell. like supermodels! yes, i know i shouldn’t advocate eating, but sometimes you have to! and these take a while to peel! so, in the time you could have eaten two snickers bars, you’re still in the midst of enjoying your new bff…the orange! pow!

33. don’t eat carbs.

34. everything has carbs.

35. if you hate his sheets, and you happen to have your period, just bleed on them. this may sound embarrassing, but it’s a small price to pay for getting what you want.

36. you are a woman. you are always in control.

37. try not to spend EVERY night at his house! i know you’re all excited and happy, but don’t forget you have your own life to maintain! plus, this will make him respect and desire you even more! no joke!


38. don’t eat as much as the boy you’re dating. you will only gain weight! guys are a mysterious being that can eat whatever they like and never gain weight. at least the boys we are attracted to. you’re not trying to date the bitter clerk at the dmv who has a gut and dreams about raping you.

39. I’m really sorry if your dad/uncle has a gut,works as a clerk at the dmv, or dreams of/or is currently raping you. seriously, i had no idea. I’m not looking to offend anyone here.

40. you’re not allowed to buy art at ikea! it is not a quick fix. ikea doesn’t sell art anyway! they sell mass produced posters. be careful. (this coming from the girl who shops at forever 21 and target. shut your mouth!) xoxo

shopping didn’t make it better:

I’m a little glum. Lately I’ve been keeping away from even looking in forever 21. And today, when I decide to venture in….the inventory is seriously disappointing. I used to love going inside, getting lost for hours, running into stylish girlfriends of mine and making the covert hand to the lips gesture signifying “you never saw me here.” But not today my sisters, not today. And what’s worse is that it looked as though the men’s selection was way hipper! What the fuck is that shiz all about? Oh well, at least we’ll have cuter clothes to borrow from the boys we’re making out with. (even though TECHNICALLY the dudes we sleep with should not even know what forever 21 is, and should only sport apc, American apparel, and MAYBE a touch of opening ceremony. but i said ‘making out with’, not ‘fucking’! so that leaves the spectrum wide open!) oh xx1! although it wasn’t your day….I haven’t given up on you yet! Or even you, heritage 1981! I’ll be back, I just hope you are too! WHOOPSIES UPDATE: I blogged too soon! I ended up finding an awesome pine green and black plaid flannel and a super cute spaghetti strapped billowy tank top. keep spending money at xxi! it’s all good!

Hope your Christmas was awesome! did you watch ‘a Christmas story’ or ‘home alone 2: lost in new york’? that’s good. hope you didn’t eat too much, you’ll only regret it. i feel like I’m always telling you that. but you can handle it! i know you can! you sexy Christmas goddess you! well, in case you missed the hills last Monday…..allow me to show you what you missed. i know I’m supposed to be a hills hater, and my target audience would feel the same way, but if the hills is your guilty pleasure, like it is mine, this is the most epic hills yet! emotions will really start to flow and tension will escalate when Lauren and Heidi are at the same event. keep in mind, they used to be BEST friends, and now they never talk! all because of Spencer. i was in tears. check it out! xo H.A.G.S.

the blind leading the blind PART 3:

21. just because you have bangs, doesn’t mean you can pick at your face-under your bangs.

22. Just because you exercise, doesn’t mean you can binge eat.

23. don’t be a stripper. It’s not cool

24. don’t get the lap band. even I’m not this lazy! and I’m a mulchy lazy couch monger.

25. always sleep with your bra on! I’ve spoken to a lot of women over 50 with great boobs- without having had plastic surgery-and they all say it’s because they’ve always worn a bra. even when they go to bed!

26. watch gossip girl! why didn’t anyone tell me how great gossip girl is? I should’ve listened to mike piscitelli! That dude knows! 

27. guys with no car, 4 roommates, and no job-are not to be fucked!!!!! sorry dudes, but this should be a wake up call to get your shit together! especially if you’re almost 30! get your own place! merry Christmas brother.

28. meet dudes during the day! i can’t stress this enough! some time soon, i will dedicate an entire post to this topic: supermarkets, the beach-(surfer patrolling=you can kill two birds with one stone 1. by catching a glimpse of their privates while they towel off and 2. you’re deciding if you’re even into them at all), 3rd st promenade-close to the beach, after you’re done watching the dudes towel off. hollah! (slang for the pop culture phrase “holler”.  fyi.) 

29. for those of you who live in Los Angeles- go to the 101 coffee shop* by yourself. when you see a table of cute boys or an adorable guy all alone, have the waiter send over a piece of chocolate cake. (don’t be shy. I’ve done this MANY times. so put that in your pocket if you need a hand to hold for getting over your initial shyness.) the ‘choco cake send over maneuver’ can only lead to sweet deals! the move itself puts a whole new spin on the 80’s movie scene where a meathead dude sends over a dirty martini to some buxom blond babe in a bar. if the 101 dude doesn’t instantly fall in love with you, or at least come over and say hello with the need to praise your awesomeness- he’s a woman hating/A sexual guy with a girlfriend! who needs him? not you! he’s dead to you! *if you don’t live in la, just go to any OOBERLY TRENDY diner type place where shaggy haired, more likely to be higher brow, hipster boys hangout! yeah!

30. don’t cross your arms when you walk- or EVER! it makes you look SUPER insecure, and like a rape victim! even if you are, fight the urge!!! it’ll make people more drawn to you.

just another day:

Please don’t think I’m a COMPLETE asshole, but the other day- while I was eating at whole foods-(something I put together ALL BY MYSELF at the salad bar) I was TOTALLY put off my food when a homeless person walked by me. I didn’t want to be put off my food/lose my appetite for sooo many reasons. I didn’t want to be THAT shallow and judge mental/easily affected by dirty people. PLUS, I was starving. But she walked past me like 3 times and by the 3rd time, I was done! She had won. Oh fuck, now that I think back, I should have given her my food instead of throwing it away. But would that have been more insulting? Oh well. Too late now. I left and got a Starbucks. Then I drove to another whole foods without even thinking! (isn’t that adorable?) I went grocery shopping. i can be so efficient and responsible when i put my mind to it. When did super markets become such a beacon of hope and a security blanket in my life? While there, I spotted a cute dude in the parking lot. I was hoping he’d walk into whole foods, but alas- no. He was heading into the 99 cent store. don’t EVER pick up dudes at the 99 cent store. you’re only asking for trouble. Inside whole foods #2, I bought some rice cakes, cuz I really wanted something sweet, but didn’t want to feel guilty. Rice cakes are a meaningless food that do nothing for you, but at the time it seemed way better than a vegan piece of cake. I had a whole plan: caramel and/or cinnamon toast flavored rice cakes, with honey on them. This was a snack that made sense in my head. Sometimes, I truly feel that if I can wrap my head around what I’m eating/and it’s not super processed, and there aren’t too many components, it can’t be that bad for me. And as long as I don’t eat 12 of them, I’ll be fine. So I get into the checkout line, and the dude who was originally going into the 99cent store got in line behind me! No way! I couldn’t believe it. it was a pre Christmas miracle! I acted super aloof and quasi casj(casual). And only smiled when I caught him staring at me out of the corner of my eye. The market was super hectic and people kept bumping into us. the holiday rush and whatnot! YOU know what I’m talking about! That’s when I ever so lightly, opened my mouth and said “its crazy in here!” Yeah! I DID IT! a man magnet i am! the ball was in his court! He smiled. he loved me! I looked down at my basket. i had to give him a break from my penetrating gaze. i mean, i didn’t want him to faint or anything. And that’s when I saw his feet pitter patter out of the line…… and away from me…….and he never came back. I guess I’m not as cute as I think I am. merry Christmas. 

because you’re worth it (PART 2):

Handicapped toilet stalls=treating yourself. now that you’ve taken my advice and are venturing out of the hot babe’s house, whose eyes you’d like to remain sexy in…..for public restrooms anywhere you can find one…i have another HOT TIP. When given the choice, and faced with an empty bathroom, ALWAYS choose the handicapped stall. It’s WAY more roomy and lush. Live a little. By choosing the more spacious stall, it’s your unconscious way of saying “I’m worth it. I matter. I deserve it.” One could also take the stance that it’s an ominous choice. that, in a way, you are manifesting the possibility of one day being handicapped yourself. oh pish posh!  I’m a believer in dreaming up your reality and manifesting your destiny/creating what you conjure up in your minds eye-but come on! you gotta draw the line somewhere, and a palatial toilet stall is where I’m drawing it. Now, just for the record- I’d like to remind everyone that women DON’T go to the bathroom. We don’t do anything gross at all. This stall is to be used as an area to text, snort cocaine/powdered drugs, shop lift, and put on your makeup- away from the droves of commoners. YOU deserve this. It is your destiny. If you are reading this blog-it means that you are better! Go! be great! I love you!

because you’re worth it (part 1):

Public restrooms will save your relationship. Doubt me all you want. tell me I’m crazy, and that I should fuck off-but I kid you not, don’t use your boyfriends bathroom. In an early interview with Marilyn Manson and Dita Von teese-they answered the question: “what’s the secret to a happy marriage?” Answer: “keep the bathroom door closed!” Sure, they eventually split-but the key word here is ‘EVENTUALLY’! Just imagine how much sooner it would have ended-had they admitted to being human. Gross. Remain a creature of the night! Be mysterious! Say you’re going to go to American apparel to buy a t shirt or something, when in reality, you’re peeing at Starbucks. Be the beautiful, perfect woman you were born to be. We’re already smarter-and trying to be sexy 24/7 (as hard as it fucking is) keeps us fine tuned and on our toes. It’s like doing a crossword puzzle all the time! OR- it just sets us up to fail and feel full of shame and guilt when we ultimately CAN’T be perfect around the clock and face the fact that the reality of the situation is that we are in fact human after all. Either or. Just give it a go, and try not to fuck up your sexy factor. quitting is for quitters or whatever. is that the saying? you can let your hair down when you’re around your girlfriends or when your dude’s outta town. Lylas (love you like a sister) peace! Xoxo

what dudes HATE and LOVE about girls:

alexi-and-tim

I’m sick of being such a negative/downer. only asking dudes what they hate about girls- so this is a very exciting, newly updated version of “what dudes hate about girls”, entitled, “what dudes HATE and LOVE about girls” starring (like an elusive silhouette in the dark) Tim Barber! I’d never heard of this Tim Barber, or whatever his real name is, until i met him at space 1520 at an art show he curated. apparently he’s totally cool or whatever/responsible for making cool stuff and putting neat & talented people together. Tim Barber, the man, seemed to have a hard shell that was fun to try and crack. i feel like i did this! and as a result, I’m pretty sure he fell in love with me. don’t let him fool you with his put on, blatant disdain for me, and borderline cringing every time i spoke. the guy’s in love….i just can’t figure out why he kept running in the other direction whenever i came near him. oh well, that’s another puzzle to solve on another day all together! for now, let’s dive into Tim Barber’s magical man soul and try to take some of it away from him!

PS: if you look in the background, you can see the original W.D.H.A.G. star trying to relive his glory. i think he knows that some of you have a crush on him…so we’ll HAVE to get back to him later and find out what he actually LIKES about girlies! xo

mommy:

no! it’s Sunday! you shouldn’t even be on the Internet, let alone reading blogs! I’m flattered, but you shouldn’t have. i understand that there’s a lot of down time, and it’s the perfect opportunity to read my blog-but I’m out humiliating myself now and collecting stories to tell you. if you’re not all caught up with my previous posts, now would be a good time to do so! the following 5 days ahead have a lot in store for us. fun stories. cute boys. me looking like a retarded asshole! i can’t wait! but, like i said, TODAY IS SUNDAY! the day of lazy craziness. you should be having sex with some dude you picked up last night at Teddy’s OR getting ready to go to sway! so, put on a facial mask why don’t you?! expensive or cheap….i don’t give a fuck! just do it. have you tried the insanely affordable yet highly effective queen Helene mint julep masque? it’s to die for! see you tomorrow! until then, here are some you tubes of the woman who made me…….(the 2 guys are my uncles. my mom’s the one with the boobs.) xo



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