BLOG » PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:

1. always carry breath spray and baby wipes. Just in case anyone wants to kiss you or go down on you.
-Remember women! We don’t do anything gross! I’m not going into specifics. Let’s leave it at that.

2. every time you have sex or mess around with a dude, you should go to your gyno and get tested for everything! That way if you get anything (even though some things show up later/and are latent) you have a better idea of who gave you what! Hopefully you won’t get a thing! But, just in case!

3. don’t have anal sex! guys might get the impression that you’re gross! tell them you had that hole sewed up years ago and you threw away the key! why would we need a hole like that? we don’t do gross stuff.

4. things a man should do:
a. hold the door for you.
b. offer to pay! AND he should ALWAYS pay if he’s the one who asked you on the date and invited you out in the first place. ladies, i strongly feel-and i have experienced a lot to know that the advice I’m giving you is true-that the man should for always pay. BUT, if he cant, you should SPLIT it. when a woman pays for the entire date or rent or whatever, whether he knows it or not, it’s emasculating. men, don’t be mad, I’m totally advocating an even split of the bill. i just feel like if one person is gonna pay it should always be the man. i don’t give a fuck if it’s 2008. you guys are eventually gonna ask us for anal sex, accidentally impregnate us-forcing us to either get the morning after pill, have an abortion, have a miscarriage, or be the mother of your child-so can’t you just hold the goddamn door and pay for my food at baja fresh before we fuck? Jesus! who raised you? it feels just as good and sexy to be a real man, a real gentleman, as it does to be treated like a lady. let’s give a nod to our forefathers and play our parts!
c. the man should get tested for HIV, chlamydia, gonorrhea, herpes, genital warts, hpv…EVERYTHING! doesn’t it feel like its always us girls getting the testing done? it’s easy to do, so make him get tested. use sex and stuff as his incentive. pout and look cute. get it done!

5. you CAN get preggers on your period!

6. never have unprotected sex! (everybody does, we just all lie about it! behind closed doors everyone’s using the pull out method! don’t lie bitches, I’m watching you-plus, i do it too. whoopsies!)

7. even when it’s protected, you should always make sure he pulls out before he cums.

8. no matter what he says-cum and/or his pee is not good for clearing up zits! what a scumbag!

9. again: the hole is sewn up and cannot be unsewn!

10. patchouli is never ok!

12 Responses to “PART 1: advice from me to you. AKA: the blind leading the blind:”

  1. That shit was fucking hilarious. My man makes me split the bill at SWINGERS for fuck’s sake and has the audacity to beg me to let him stick it in the bum. NO WAY, NO HOW. You gotta take to at least Olive Garden for me to consider it…

  2. are you serious about the bum? DO you allow fingers at least? I hope so for your sake. You’re missing out.
    -mathew adam ward

  3. I just LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU for this! I hope it’s ok if I use this on my blog! I will definitely have a link to your page! My GOD I have been trying to explain this to the men I’ve dated. Thank You for this!!!

    P.S.: This is fucking hilarious!!! I never understood the fascination with my poopy hole!

  4. i dont like the whole SPLITTING check. NEVEr split a check..because if you guys get an apartment and buy stuff, you’re gonna SPLIT the check. why? what if it’s not yours? NEVER split it EVER.

  5. I just spent like 3 or 4 hours, well I lost track of time, so I don’t really know, reading every single “the blind leading the blind”.
    Amazing. I love love lovee your blog!

  6. whoa. i just spent half the day…ok pretty much the whole day at work reading all 41 parts of this…i was junked out hard! page after page i was getting more and more addicted. hurry up with the next installment or i might start having withdrawals. GAH!!

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  8. Wow! Thank you for this! I have always tried to explain these things to guys (especially the ‘get tested’ part) but they never seemed to quite grasp it. Reading this definitely gave me more guts, and from now on I’ll stand up for myself
    PS I slept with a guy once, we used a condom(because I insisted) and after the sex he asks ME to get tested..Crazy huh?!

  9. Good post, adding it to my blog now, thanks!

  10. 01. And here I was thinking I was the only person that carried around baby wipes!

    03. I’ve never understood a mans fascination with poop shoots either. And I don’t think I ever will. It has to be the biggest turn off to be asked to go there. Is my vagine not adiquate enough? Jeez..

    04. Guy always use the excuse that the swab for testing is soooo huge. I asked the doc, she told me it was a normal sized one.

    10. The scent of Patchouli: I love it. I’m sowwie.

  11. First off, this is quite an entertaining blog, however, as a man I have a few thoughts. First, I have no problem paying for dinner (read: pay for sex), IF I know I will be getting some. Anything thing less, and I’m paying you to be my “friend.” I don’t have a need or want, to pay for friends. I have many good friends as it is. Second, the pull out method doesn’t work. Either use a condom, or don’t have sex. The only exception is if you are exclusive and the woman is on the pill. Third, I’m all for getting tested, however, currently there is no viable way for a man to get tested for HPV. Sorry ladies, if we have it, we just don’t know. I would advise men out there to get the HPV vaccine, Gardisil. It’s the best thing we can do to prevent the spread of HPV. That is all.

  12. Really? Don’t have anal sex?

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