the doctor said so:

Before i launch into my story: 

tonight, Jan 30 2009 @ Space 1520 from 7-10PM 
TV Books Gallery Closing Reception Party with live performances by Abe
Vigoda, The Goat and Mikki + the Mauses.
PLUS: the 2nd issue of ‘light on a sidewalk’- by mike piscitelli
(if you were at the OPENING for tv books & had your portrait taken, you’re probably in it!)
Space 15 Twenty:
1520 N.
Cahuenga Blvd, Los Angeles, CA 90028
————————————————
I love my doctor, but every once and a while she tells me about something i wasn’t asking about and don’t really think i need. today it was a laser facial procedure called q-tera or something. it’s amazing how responsive the brain is to suggestion. i said ‘thanks for the info, and if i decide to do it, i know who to call.’ and now, hours later, I’m writing to you about it. she really hammered it in with the sentence “i swear to god Alexi, if you start in your twenties, you’ll never have to go under the knife.” wow. and you know what? she’s probably right. RUN, DO NOT WALK, TO THE TELEPHONE AND MAKE A GODDAMN APPOINTMENT WITH THE BEST DERMATOLOGIST IN TOWN! 

between you and me, i already get the aurora laser skin therapy once a month. and it’s awesome. i use retin a, and moisturize with the most expensive anti aging creams from kiehls. it’s better to be safe than sorry. and it’s only a little more expensive than gold! but, like I’ve said before: you are worth it!

afterwords, i went to Chanel (i mean, i was already in beverly hills-why not?) to see if they had the jumbo/black/classic/lambskin purse with gold hardware. as i walked in, i passed a super tacky, albeit uuber expensive yellow Ferrari parked outside. i don’t know why this upset me enough to roll my eye
s and walk into Chanel saying loudly (someones yellow Ferrari is being towed outside!” sales people FREAKED out! uttering cries of “no! oh no! that’s
bijans car! what should we do??? someone, call bijan!!” my work was done.


they had the purse i wanted…. BUT GET THIS…Chanel changed the look of the gold, and now GOLD hardware practically looks SILVER! harsh tokes.
whatevs. when i got back to my car, i had a parking ticket for $45. so i left it on bijan’s windshield, got a Starbucks, and drove to Los Feliz where i belonged.

what dudes hate AND love about girls:

Like a cherub sent from heaven, in the nick of time, to provide me with a blog post for today……….THERE WAS ED! after a long day doing a photo shoot for my facebook default pic, i met up with Brooke at m cafe (because it’s the place to be, we’re not savages and we have good taste) for an hours long girly chat about everything and nothing. it was great, no joke, the gossip was amazing! but, always in the back of my mind was the nagging fact that I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT TO POST TODAY! but god works in mysterious ways (why am i making so many god references in this entry? I’m not religious! oh well, who cares?)….and in walked a leather clad, haphazardly put together (in an ‘on purpose’ kind of way), shaggy haired guy I’d never laid eyes on: ED!


It gets BETTER: he WASN’T American! yes, i admit it! just like everyone else American, i too am fooled by an English accent! he instantly became more interesting, worthwhile, attractive and intelligent because of it. was i born this stupid or did i acquire these illogical ideas over the years? don’t answer that. and I’m not sure if it was because i’m white, a girl, not super ugly, OR because we have the same taste in restaurants- but Ed was SUPER forthcoming with his answer! i really appreciate it when a complete stranger answers my annoying questions in the most honest way they can…..so thank you Ed.  maybe we’ll all learn something or at least feel less alone. good morning.

Ed: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

dude of the day!!!!!

oh look! the lil cub has emerged from dream land! How nice. Last night, he wore himself out licking some babes areolas, caressing her bum, kissing her neck and taking his time sucking on her lower lip. Look at those tats (oh wait, you can’t see what i saw), those lips, that full head of hair! This dude’s never going bald! He looks sooooo Italian. Like if Robert Deniro and AL Pacino had a love child! Hollah! Why are mafioso movies so sexy? It’s like, this dude would show you how good he is at giving head, totally blow your mind, then blow your brains out! saying “arreviderchi” right before he sends you off to swim with the fishes! Mamma mia! Italian dudes are studs!

identity check:

If you don’t have a sense of identity, DON’T worry about it! ALL you have to do is start dating as many guys as you can: all at once, or one after the other- your pick! and when they tell you about the stuff that they like:i.e. morrissey, cass mccombs, aphex twin, insert totally unknown or obscure band here- just pay attention! Listen for once in your goddamn life and take mental notes. Watch each and every one of your dudes when they hang out with their other male dude friends- and stash any good stories,jokes,man talk,bro sesh anecdotes,dude-isms,pop culture references in the pocket of your minds eye! Cuz when you break up with that guy, that bevy of newfound knowledge is in your “attracting the next dude-arsenal”! It’s like we’re playing Zelda! Or super mario bros! Or better yet- d and d! Work it bitches! And NEVER EVER give credit to the previous dude! He’ll never know!!! This is called the college of life. Xo

self conscious sex:

What happened last night? I’ll tell you what happened! Last night, you got banged by some dude and you were totally boring in bed! I’m soooo disappointed in you! The only excuse for submissive sex is if you’re being raped! Otherwise, it is NOT an option! Plus, guys talk too you know, and you don’t wanna get a rep for being a lame dud in the sack! Do you?? Now’s not the time to worry about whether or not your bangs are perfectly straight. Now’s the time to get nasty! I’m not saying that you should let him stick it in your bum, cuz I actually DON’T advocate that. I’m just saying, don’t stop at GETTING fucked. You fuck him right back, you nasty bitch! Make noise if you want to, make whatever face you feel inclined to (shit, I hope it’s not super ugly-oh well, I say take the chance! How ugly could it be? If you’re reading this blog, it means you’re beautiful!) Get on top, on your side, on the bottom,69 (although my best dude friend once told me that 69’ing is the ultimate in intimate cuz it’s pretty much ass on face-yikes! That’s why I always say ‘carry baby wipes’-that way you don’t have to sacrifice in the sack!), get head/give head! Just wait for my mutual masturbation post! It’s gonna be detailed, personal,and RAD! So please! Don’t lay there like a lump! Even if you’re a beautiful lump! That is no excuse to be boring! Cuz if you’re crazy in bed, super nice to look at AND have a great personality……….YOU WIN!

2 things that 1 dude doesn’t like about girls:

 

2 things 1 dude doesn’t like: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

ps: hillhurst is a loud street!


pps:

tomorrow night- saturday january 24,2009

opening party: vanessa prager and kathy grayson 7-10pm

ROBERT BERMAN GALLERY
At Bergamot Station Arts Center
2525 Michigan Avenue, C2/D5, Santa Monica, Calif 90404
Tel: C2 310.315.9506 / D5 310.315.1937
Fax: 310.315.9688
www.robertbermangallery.com

deep in the beverly center:

The Beverly Center! The mall that sucked me into its fast paced, fluorescent lit vortex for 5 hours and didn’t even apologize! But why should you bev center? I was asking for it. After Christmas sales can be brutal! But my 2009 outfits are gonna be sweet! Today, I tried wearing a beret! Today, I tried wearing red lipstick! Today, i was a whole new me that only exists and CAN ONLY exist in the confines of the Beverly Center. it was super OK to try out a new look! and the tranny boys behind the MAC counter encouraged it! IT WAS EXHILARATING! gay dudes at Club Monaco called me ‘fierce’! me! they asked me where I came from! What a great day! Meandering about the mall, I saw so many cute boys! I’m not sure how many of them were straight, but I’m pretty sure at least one of them would have fucked me! And isn’t that all that really matters? h&m;, and forever 21 on the tip top floor of heaven on earth. an hour into my epic day, i ran into the guy I’m occasionally sleeping with! who cares that he didn’t love my neon lime beret and viva glam red lips? who invited him anyway?! this was no time for nay sayers and dream dashers! it was MY DAY! this was my castle! barbies dream house! and he wasn’t ken. he was an evil warlord from the wrong side of the tracks. we said our goodbyes. and i got a Starbucks.I cruised h&m; for everything great! for some, my red lips were man magnets. a whole new breed of men that i don’t usually attract! i caught the eye of a very successful looking (based in nothing but how crisp and clean his outfit was), tall, classy looking, musician type-with a non embarrassing Mohawk (it kinda looked endearing). he was clearly in love with my vagina, but i HAD to leave, cuz i left my wallet at Starbucks-the one ACROSS the street at the Beverly connection, NOT the one on the top floor across from h&m.; don’t ask me why. but at least they had my wallet and i got in some cardio! I’ll never know what could have been with the Mohawk dude. he was gone by the time i got back. so i took off the beret, and i rubbed off my lipstick, and continued sleeping with that other dude, who will NEVER understand the ‘Beverly Center’ me.  

excuse me:


Why did no one tell me that basketball is awesome???? i didn’t know shaggy haired dudes were allowed to play sports! if ANYONE reading this can get super great seats at a Lakers game and wouldn’t mind taking me and flirting with this dude, make it happen and we’ll have a blast! xo

The blind leading the blind PART 5:

41. never wear ugg boots. Apparently girls didn’t get this memo 7 years ago. MAYBE when you’re in Malibu, and even then it’s sketch. Maybe on a ski trip around the lodge, but not out and about at sundance! perhaps to a movie/TV set in the morning, cuz you’re gonna change into your wardrobe anyways! have you given any thought to moccasin boots: the healthy alternative to ugg boots? 

42. never, I repeat NEVER leave reading material in the bathroom! What the fuck kind of game are you trying to run here? Unacceptable!

43. always dress cool! That way, no matter what comes up, you’re ready to go! that includes cute undies too! just in case you get in a car accident and the ambulance driver or EMT is a stud! 

44. you never have someone in the palm of your hand! So don’t take people for granted or let people take you for granted!

45. social anxiety happens when you’re not supposed to be where you are! So keep the fuck away from those creeps! Or develop a higher opinion of yourself, so anywhere you are is the place to be!

46. when you begin a relationship, you aren’t allowed to gain any weight! Sorry. you’ve set the standard! you are now ONLY allowed to improve. ie: lose weight, develop better style, improve skin condition, get a cooler haircut/color, increase size of bank account. Otherwise your significant other TOTALLY has the right to break up with you via text and text alone! So work it out fatso! Peace!

47. for the dudes and the gross girls: don’t pick your nose! Especially in your car. The definition of automobile is not: machine that makes you invisible. People can see you.

48. it’s ‘BY ACCIDENT’, not ‘ON ACCIDENT’.  proper example: “he hit her BY accident.”

49. being scared and being nervous are choices! So just say NO and do not engage in these life debilitating/crippling choices!

50. don’t bite your nails! Get a manicure and grow into the woman or gay man you are meant to be!

when my brain won’t shut off:

in my head from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

 



                                        


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