BLOG » always something:
“what is my problem? I’ve found a guy who says he loves me and I stayed with him. He consistently calls me, is ok with me coming over to his house on a regular basis. But he’s so cool and calm and collected. He can get mad, but he never explodes. Maybe he implodes, but I’d never be able to tell.
Sometimes I feel alone when I’m next to him. His dry sense of humor and how much he loves himself is pretty entertaining most of the time. But I always feel like I’m left with nothing when I get off the phone with him, or leave his house.
My problem is; I feel as though he would be completely unaffected if we were to never speak again. As if he doesn’t cry, or get truly sad about ANYTHING. As if he could take me or leave me. And that does not make me feel good. That does not sit well in me.
I know LOGICALLY that he loves me (as much as he is CAPABLE of loving someone- which is supposed to make me feel better?), that we are as he says ‘on the same team’, but there is a disconnect.
I am not logical like he is. I scream and I cry and I have tantrums and all I want him to do is put his arms around me and show that he’s passionate about me! He’s so cavalier it hurts me and makes me ache. He doesn’t have the need to kiss me and hug me like I need to kiss him and hug him. Kissing him and holding him are like medicine for me. But lately I don’t want to bother him for my doses. I wonder if he’ll remember on his own. If he needs my love as much as I need his. But he doesn’t.
And then there are the days where he trys. when he’s tuned in, ‘on’, and shows that he loves me- by the way he looks at me, cuddles me and tickles me. ALL the things he does for me/with me. And I KNOW.
but just as soon as he’s got me under his spell, he’s off in his own world again. Love is hard.”
since that experience, i’ve changed. i don’t feel sad, empty or confused anymore…..
because i’m dating someone new now. i’ll let you know how it goes. xoxox
ps: here’s something neat I’m gonna be a part of this Sunday (May 31,09) at space 1520 (1520 N. Cahuenga Blvd. LA CA