who wrote this?



Soooooooo, basically I just went through one of the most life changing experiences of my entire life EVER!. No i didn’t make out with Vincent Gallo (yet!) No I didn’t have an abortion, if you thought I did y’all obvi haven’t been reading my prior posts, and no I did not just win a prize during a live Ellen taping. But I just totally up and moved house like MD. I don’t care who tries to tell you you cant move all your shit from point A to point B with a little help (thanks Mike)- they are naysayers!

Not only did my stuff get moved; it was sorted , stacked , prioritized, and all put in it’s right place- predetermined by yours truly. And I have more crap than someone with, like, alot of stuff. Like J.Lo Louis trunks full of crapola. Actually my stuff is more like AHA-Mazing quality books, movies, photographs and soft clothing. Moving is central to being a functional human being. if  we did not move, we would all end up like Charlie from the chocolate factories bedridden grandparents! It can give you a totally new perspective on life in general and it always changes the view. I’m so much closer to all the things I Love about LA now! But I wonder: will I still appreciate them as much now that I’m so close? Its like when you move in with a BF and you wake up and you are all like “Who the hell are you?”

Choosing the right surroundings will always shape your attitude and demeanor. Someone once told me “No peace in your home, no peace in your life” that person is dead now. NO wait JK, JK! But for cereals, like why the eff do people continue to live in squalor? It’s not that hard to clean the dishes and make the bed. (Boys this means you) It is your presentation of yourself that people see and react too. There’s not some mystical colored chakra vibes surrounding you and I don’t care what your Yoga instructor says- he’s trying to get into your stretchy American Apparel leggings.

Putting the key into this new dwelling of mine and exploring this new area is like having a brand new boyfriend. everything is new and exiting! Except that is, for the parking sitch! But whatevs, I don’t like people coming over anywaysies, it’s called MY HOUSE for a reason (not referring to lame uber Miami style club). Which leads me to another epidemic I have noticed, there IS a difference between a friend and a room mate. Keep this relationship defined, I’ve gone to someones house where there are literally 3 people living in the living room. I know, embarrassing, but it was a long time ago. I know they call it a “living room” but don’t take everything all literal all the time! sheesh. It is not rude to tell someone they cannot stay over, even in this economy!

So, bottom line, I am happy with this change. it will no doubt lead to better, funnier, more offensive, more helpful, more insightful and more thought provoking blog posts. See you in your hood soonsies… XO ME.

stress doesn’t suit me:


I’ve been pretty hectic lately. I just moved from Los Feliz to the Beverly Melrose area AND had other actual WORK stuff to do (nonstop) at the same time. It was kuh-razy.

I don’t handle stress easily. I internalize AND externalize all of my feelings. I break out-  of good manners town AND pimple wise! I wanna have sex with everyone, but can’t bring myself to have sex with ANYONE, cuz I’m too stressed! All I wanna do is throw in the towel and get on the tram ride at universal studios.

I need to be hugged, but push everyone away. I wear all my ugliest bras because I know no one will want to undress me. I’m on edge with bank tellers, when I KNOW I should never be. I’m polite to EVERYONE else, except whoever I’m dating,and my mom. I avoid my friends, but wonder why they aren’t calling me. They could pick up the phone too you know! I say I want to build better friendships, have peers who are inspiring and doing a lot with their lives. And yet I have no time for the friendships I’ve ALREADY made. Or are these just not the IDEAL friendships I’m MEANT to experience?

I make time to see my therapist, but when I see her, it’s more of a staring match and I can’t remember what I had planned to say, what I NEED to talk about. I walk out of her office $100 lighter without having even ASKED for at LEAST a guided meditation to help me unwind. Everyone says: “relax.”. “Just breath”, “take a breath”. But when I do, it’s more like hyperventilating.

I finished the work I had to do, I finished my move- but have a few more looming trips to bed bath and beyond and ikea to make, but this is just to tie up loose ends!I can breath again. I’m smiling again. And now my brain has too much time to think, too much free time to let bad thoughts of self doubt creep in. So I make lists and start the cycle again: to be as busy as I JUST was- HOPING I won’t be as panicked this time around. Cuz too much idle time makes me depressed. And while too much on my plate makes me panic: the only rewards come after the WORK is done!

When I can stand back and look at what I did even though I was too blind and spazzed out during the process, THAT makes the panic worth it.  idle time makes me pick at my face, eat too much, cry and seem desperate. I’ll choose panic every time. I love you. Xoxox

the blind leading the blind part 11:


1. always have a book. It proves you can read, helps pass the time, and will take your mind off the real world for a second.

2. if you think all white people look the same, or all black people look the same, or all Asian people look the same, or all Latino people look the same, etc: YOU are a racist jerk. Case closed! Fix this! It’s a serious problem!

3. Do whatever you want, just don’t make that face.

4. try to find the balance between being a stupid pushover and a closed off know it all.

5. let me expand on #4: people are BANKING on you being an easy target; stupid enough to take advantage of you, fuck you (over), lie to you, and/or rob you. if you know this and get DEFENSIVE, you could end up being worse off than someone who is a carefree retardo. Try, i beg of you, JUST TRY to find the happy medium between being stupid/thinking everyone or anyone knows better or more than you and thinking YOU know it ALL and no one can offer you advice cuz you’d never need it, take it, or listen to it.

6. ‘forgive and forget’. this phrase sounds great, and will help you get over unresolved issues weighing you down. but, should you really forgive and forget? just don’t forgive and forget THEN let the whole bad news cycle REPEAT itself. forgive, forget, and learn from the experience, cut the dead toxic weight out of your life and be better off.

7. if you live in la and have a free day just to troll for dudes, here are places you should go: the apple store at the grove, the 101 cafe, amoeba records, family bookstore, target, wasteland on melrose, and Sammy’s camera- just to name a few.

8. if you live in la and you have a free day just to troll for GIRLS, here are the places you should go: m cafe, wasteland, target, the Beverly center, all over the grove (including the farmers market), and erewhon (more specifically, the juice bar).

9. don’t pick the dead skin on your fingers and then rip it off with your teeth! this goes for both guys AND girls. fucking ridiculous! do you know how many beautiful girls I’ve seen at castings just sitting around gnawing at their own flesh! it makes me feel better about myself cuz they’re so beautiful and makes them seem more human, but it’s also SUPER gross! besides empathize with them- what i REALLY wanna do is slap their hand out of their mouth and make them snap out of it! and if this picking, nervous bullshit MUST happen….. NEVER in public ladies. whether you know it or not, someone is watching…. and throwing up in their mouths.

10. if you are walking down the street, on a sidewalk, and you’re about to walk past a van….walk AROUND the van. step OFF the sidewalk and into the street and walk along the drivers side… but even THEN, keep some safe distance from the van. this way you are not trapped between the van and the wall, and there is less of a chance of you being clubbed over the head and dragged against your will into the rapist/child molester/murder van! i’m NOT kidding. be careful! even if you AREN’T alone, i STILL suggest you and whoever you’re with take this advice. you can never be TOO careful. hindsight isn’t 20/20 when you’re dead. xo

a collection of boys at space 1520:


a few weeks ago i hosted/mc’d an event at space 1520 called ‘blogger shop day’. i didn’t really do much. i sold some tote bags and t shirts i silk screened, shopped, announced the band that played in the courtyard (warpaint), plugged all the bloggers who came and set up stalls and were selling stuff, etc.

the most EXCITING part was that i got to speak into a MICROPHONE and have my voice amplified for people to hear and then, just as quickly, try to ignore. i thought i was a hit, but may have been the only one laughing at my amplified jokes. i’ll never know though, cuz my own laughter was way too loud and would have drowned out anyone else’s, microphone or no microphone. but more importantly, i met a bunch of cute boys!

everyone i talked to was in a lovely mood. the music was deafening, but i trudged on with my interviews… because when you spot a babe in a courtyard, much like the olden days when we were cave people and had to be quick witted, and move fast and stealth like styles to hunt our prey… so must a boycrazy monster like myself. xo

1520 from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

1520 – part 2: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

1520 – part 3: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

1520 – part 4: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

if i were a dude:

if I were a dude, I’d be doing all kinds of shit to impress the girlies. Little stuff that’s super easy for me to do, but goes a long way with girls- cuz dudes just aren’t very romantic nowadays. if i were a dude, you would freak out! i would be a heart breaker. i would dress to impress all the time but make sure there was no way i could ever, even for a second, be mistaken as gay. unless i WAS a gay dude, in which case- i would be openly out and proud! i would be epically gay and would make straight dudes bummed they weren’t gay! but that’s another post ALL TOGETHER!

if i were a dude, my name would be max, or Oliver, or Felix, maybe Sebastian, roman, or Vincent. i would make out with a different girl every day. every night. i would be dangerous! i would never be caught dead in flap pockets or jeans with embroiderey. only classic Levis, dark apc denim, those green parka jackets with the hoods with the fur trim, and calvin klein boxer breifs all the way! i would wear a slim fit tux WHENEVER necessary. i would wear suits everyday. i would never wear flip flops. but more importantly, i would make you laugh like a motherfucker AND be easy on the eyes!

i would always bring my dates flowers or even just a SINGLE flower. ANYTHING to look as though i added that extra bit of pizaz, cuz it’s so easy to do, and in reality requires no effort- and yet it is a gesture that goes a long way. even re-gifting an unopened bottle if perfume i got for free at work from a promo package or gift bag would be lovely and eazy peazy.

i would pick the girl up, make sure she got inside safely before driving off. (but that bitch BETTER know the lean over ‘door trick’ or she’s dead to me!) i would open the door for her, pay for our dates (but secretly want her to offer to pay, just to gauge what kind of person she is). i would ONLY let her pay on my birthday and surprise me with little prezzies and the occasional grocery list item though.

i would be a master at whatever my profession is. i would earn a lot of money, drive a hybrid or a range rover. maybe both, just to be confusing. i would go to the doctor and take care of myself. i wouldn’t be scared of the doctor! the doctor is there to take care of you! i would have health insurance. i wouldn’t have roommates, because i would want the place to myself so i could fuck whatever girl i wanted, whenever i wanted to, however i wanted! and because real men don’t have roommates. i would do sit ups, (not in a creepy American psycho way though) but NOT be a member of the gym. i would bike ride in outfits that look like I’m a cast member of Annie hall. white shorts (to the knee) and a white loose fitting thin worn crew neck t shirt. i would give every girl i ever came near an epic orgasm. as a man, this is a power i have.  i would eat healthy and not drink soda pop. drive through dining would not be my lifestyle choice. in a pinch, i might go to baja fresh. in a pinch i said!

i would only commit to a girl if she was amazing and i was crazy in love with her. but until then, i would be a non aids catching Casanova. money would never be an issue because i make so much of it. but my broad wouldn’t be a broke weight on my shoulders either. she would be successful in her on right! i would not be a cheater because i would never be in a committed relationship if i felt the need for more, or had the desire to run from it. i would have awesome bros who inspire me to do the most with my life, time, thoughts. they would not be a bunch of lazy pot smoking monsters whose idea of an accomplished day is passing around the bong and a circle jerk!

if i were a dude, my privates would be somewhere between six and eight inches length wise, and the gurth of a genetically modified cucumber available at whole foods. visit whole foods if you don’t know what i mean. i wouldn’t want to be too big to scare a girl, or too small to be made fun of behind my back. occasionally i would drink alcohol, maybe a beer once a week. i wouldn’t smoke, and i would be great at fixing stuff- objects and meals! i would try not to be one of those guys who picks his nose when he drives, but if i did it would be TOTALLY less gross than if i were a girl. YUCK. i would want kids but not until i was like, 38. i’d be a tall, confidant, dynamo!

things would be so different if i were a dude, except for the tall part. i probably wouldn’t even date myself if a met me at a party. xo

the blind leading the blind PART 10:

1. always date the letters/journal entries you write, it’s important. you’ll be glad you did this in the future when you’re looking back on your life! xo

2. dogs ALWAYS know when you’re having your period. no place is safe anymore. if you’re going on a first date, or to a totally rad style chic party…and a dog’s gonna be there and you’re bleeding, you might as well NOT go. unless social suicide is the new black. then go right ahead.

3. if you leave a door open in your home, any door, even a door to a closet, the bathroom, whatever… it’s like leaving open an entrance to an evil vortex that monsters live in. they will come out, and kill you in the night. you really have to keep your wits about you.  

4. don’t drink alcohol during the day. it’s gross. have some self control. even if you are at a bbq and everyone is getting shit faced or just nursing a beer. you’re better!

5. if you do smoke, even though you know you shouldn’t be smoking…ONLY smoke at night. at least this rule might help you cut back. but really. you should totally quit. get addicted to toothpicks and an unhealthy water drinking habit instead. i recommend the dark blue water bottle from whole foods or erewhon. it’s uuber stylish and it tastes good! you are better than smoking! 

6. it’s here! spf 100+ from neutrogena! look into it bitches who take themselves seriously! i did. 

7. new best drink ever- almond milk, earl grey tea lattes!

8. surefire asshole alerter- hummer limo.

9. pickles are only five calories- look into it fathead!

10. don’t use microwaves! are you fucking kidding me? you might as well give god and mother nature the finger!


PS: the imboycrazy store is NOW open. if you like TOTE BAGS, BUTTONS, OR STICKERS, check it out!!! XO




if you’re not rich,famous, or goodlooking- you need a gimmick:


let’s cut the bullshit dude’s, if you’re not rich famous or good looking, you’re gonna need a god damn gimmick! no girl wants to fuck an ugly, poor, loser, with no drive or hope of a promising future! add a LACK of personality, sense of humor, money, style, charm, flair, social savvy, or quick wit to the list and you are one sorry/sad sack of shit- with definite potential to induce a clit-hard off . get it together motherfuckers! you’re gonna have to think fast, and that’s just what I’m here for. to help you get pussy. or at least to prevent the girls, who accidentally DO fuck you, from regretting it the next day/re-thinking their sexuality and maybe even their choice to go on living!

get a job you lazy, coach surfing, entitled, oaf!  and rework your wardrobe while you’re at it! throw out the shoes you think are ok and functional. shoes AREN’T for function. they tell the RIGHT girls how lame you really are. they are a sneak peak into your inner psyche/soul, without you even knowing. but you can mask this UGLY, WRONG, UNEDUCATED side of yourself, by following my advice. how about, for starters, you develop a skill? something you’re good at. think outside the box. try to MATTER. fyi- just because you were born, doesn’t mean you matter or are of interest to anyone. try, just try, to make a contribution- instead of being a waste of space with a severe pot, cocaine, or nitrus addiction. just putting that out there. do with it what you will.

i assume there is a certain kind of girl you like, and that’s why you’re here. i cater/speak to a certain demographic…i think. prove me wrong. I’m interested in knowing who is even reading this thing. so if you like girls named zoey and Chloe, sexy offbeat beauties, or just all gorgeous, smart, successful, stylish women of the world….they expect a lot. they don’t have to settle for a loser in dockers, sketchers, faded goodwill polo shirts, or flap pocket jeans with embroidery- TO SAY THE LEAST!  if you want the TOP NOTCH pussy, you better work to your manly potential! i bet you could even go to target RIGHT NOW and throw a super cool outfit together for way less than going to apc or topman. i dare you! here’s the secret. dress like a gay dude, who happens to only like to eat pussy. have/develop a personality, ask questions, have a job that pays you and that you actually LIKE doing. the trick is to appear effortless, despite all the effort.

learn to be great at giving head, going down on a girl, eating pussy, sucking on vagina (don’t JUST/ONLY ‘suck’- it was a phrase, not the directions.) i once broke up with a guy cuz he never even offered to go down on me. i never even gave him the chance to be grossed out by me! if you are fucking/making love with a girl, YOU MUST OFFER TO LICK HER PRIVATES EVERY TIME! EVERY SESH! your goal should be to make her cum! over and over. not only will your stock soar with the girl in question, your word of mouth will be to die for! you have soooo much power when you are good at sucking pussy AND ACTUALLY GETTING THE GIRL TO ORGASM! that last part is the most important. don’t let her fake it. because we do. sometimes us girls feel bad for you cuz you aren’t finding out spot/clit, or guilty because it’s taking too long for us to cum- and we’re worried you’re getting bored (but that’s a lesson to the ladies too. don’t let him stop till you’re done bitches! and tactfully and gently teach him/show him what you need), or embarrassed cuz we think we might be yucky down there for whatever reason (which is why girlies should ALWAYS carry baby wipes). SO, being the sexy, manly, Casanova i am teaching you to be, tell the girl (in a sexy straightforward man voice that is confident and experienced (even if you’re not) that you get off when she gets off and that you won’t stop till she cums at least a few times!

as for the clothing situation, you’re gonna need a few staples. and a few new stores to start shopping at. black leather bomber jacket. white sneakers. even creme colored low top OR high top converse are ok. if i were you, i would get a simple pair of white sneaker at topman or urban outfitters- there’s only one topman in nyc or the ones in london. however, opening ceremony carries topman in la. hmm. options. either/or, i guess that’s why online shopping was invented. you’ll definitely need some crisp dark blue denim jeans from ksubi or apc, straight-leg thank you. a pair of black denim jeans. some button ups from American apparel and/or uniqlo. a white suit, a black suit, a black skinny tie, and a pale pink skinny tie. i wish i could go shopping with you. but i can’t hold your hand through this. after all, you are ALMOST a grown up. let me know if this helps. and if you have ANY exciting adventures during your metamorphosis,  send me the pix so i can post them on the blog. good luck my little Casanovas in training!!! xoxox

welcome to my exciting NEW website:

hand in pants

CAN YOU HANDLE IT?!!!! CALM DOWN! The site is having some bugs in internet explorer that will be fixed very soon. I’ll let you know once the store is open! UNTIL THEN……..WELCOME HOME MY BABIES! I LOVE YOU. xoxo

if all else fails:

you know those parts of town you pass through on the way to somewhere else? when you look out the window and say ‘Jesus Christ! who lives here’? well, maybe one day, YOU will. 

if all else fails and your life starts to derail; your dreams are shattered; love life is on the rocks- you can ALWAYS pack up and run away to some tucked away no mans land like reseda or something! 

get a job at Starbucks (they have a health plan!) and start fucking all the dude employees you work with! start having an affair with the 18 year old boy who lives in the apartment next door and teach him what it means to be a man who can provide a woman with something that will ACTUALLY makes her HAPPY: A BACK RUN AND AN ORGASM! i DON’T recommend doing this ’till you’re like 40 or something. but, it’s important to be aware of ALL your life’s options. 

when you get fired from Starbucks and are running from the cops because the neighbor boy, you’ve now been informed you were molesting, is ACTUALLY 16- you can buy a bus ticket to Lancaster or watsonville or something. start selling fruit on a corner and only wear light denim, jean short, cut offs. on the weekends, swim in a lake, drink beer or mike’s hard lemonade and fuck the complete ANTITHESIS of your former 16 year old lover: Enrique, the Latino heart throb of the area, who promises to teach you Spanish while he makes love to you…. but never gets past “you’re pussy is so wet”. oh well. 

I won’t resort to any of this unless I end up miserable and in turmoil cuz my life is in ruins. But until then, I’m good. No need to go there. Just a passing thought that runs through my mind whenever I end up in the valley- usually only when I’m SUPER DEEP in the valley, on ventura blvd in like woodland hills or something. xoxo

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