BLOG » if i were a dude:
i would always bring my dates flowers or even just a SINGLE flower. ANYTHING to look as though i added that extra bit of pizaz, cuz it’s so easy to do, and in reality requires no effort- and yet it is a gesture that goes a long way. even re-gifting an unopened bottle if perfume i got for free at work from a promo package or gift bag would be lovely and eazy peazy.
i would pick the girl up, make sure she got inside safely before driving off. (but that bitch BETTER know the lean over ‘door trick’ or she’s dead to me!) i would open the door for her, pay for our dates (but secretly want her to offer to pay, just to gauge what kind of person she is). i would ONLY let her pay on my birthday and surprise me with little prezzies and the occasional grocery list item though.
i would be a master at whatever my profession is. i would earn a lot of money, drive a hybrid or a range rover. maybe both, just to be confusing. i would go to the doctor and take care of myself. i wouldn’t be scared of the doctor! the doctor is there to take care of you! i would have health insurance. i wouldn’t have roommates, because i would want the place to myself so i could fuck whatever girl i wanted, whenever i wanted to, however i wanted! and because real men don’t have roommates. i would do sit ups, (not in a creepy American psycho way though) but NOT be a member of the gym. i would bike ride in outfits that look like I’m a cast member of Annie hall. white shorts (to the knee) and a white loose fitting thin worn crew neck t shirt. i would give every girl i ever came near an epic orgasm. as a man, this is a power i have. i would eat healthy and not drink soda pop. drive through dining would not be my lifestyle choice. in a pinch, i might go to baja fresh. in a pinch i said!
i would only commit to a girl if she was amazing and i was crazy in love with her. but until then, i would be a non aids catching Casanova. money would never be an issue because i make so much of it. but my broad wouldn’t be a broke weight on my shoulders either. she would be successful in her on right! i would not be a cheater because i would never be in a committed relationship if i felt the need for more, or had the desire to run from it. i would have awesome bros who inspire me to do the most with my life, time, thoughts. they would not be a bunch of lazy pot smoking monsters whose idea of an accomplished day is passing around the bong and a circle jerk!
if i were a dude, my privates would be somewhere between six and eight inches length wise, and the gurth of a genetically modified cucumber available at whole foods. visit whole foods if you don’t know what i mean. i wouldn’t want to be too big to scare a girl, or too small to be made fun of behind my back. occasionally i would drink alcohol, maybe a beer once a week. i wouldn’t smoke, and i would be great at fixing stuff- objects and meals! i would try not to be one of those guys who picks his nose when he drives, but if i did it would be TOTALLY less gross than if i were a girl. YUCK. i would want kids but not until i was like, 38. i’d be a tall, confidant, dynamo!
things would be so different if i were a dude, except for the tall part. i probably wouldn’t even date myself if a met me at a party. xo