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if I were a dude, I’d be doing all kinds of shit to impress the girlies. Little stuff that’s super easy for me to do, but goes a long way with girls- cuz dudes just aren’t very romantic nowadays. if i were a dude, you would freak out! i would be a heart breaker. i would dress to impress all the time but make sure there was no way i could ever, even for a second, be mistaken as gay. unless i WAS a gay dude, in which case- i would be openly out and proud! i would be epically gay and would make straight dudes bummed they weren’t gay! but that’s another post ALL TOGETHER!

if i were a dude, my name would be max, or Oliver, or Felix, maybe Sebastian, roman, or Vincent. i would make out with a different girl every day. every night. i would be dangerous! i would never be caught dead in flap pockets or jeans with embroiderey. only classic Levis, dark apc denim, those green parka jackets with the hoods with the fur trim, and calvin klein boxer breifs all the way! i would wear a slim fit tux WHENEVER necessary. i would wear suits everyday. i would never wear flip flops. but more importantly, i would make you laugh like a motherfucker AND be easy on the eyes!

i would always bring my dates flowers or even just a SINGLE flower. ANYTHING to look as though i added that extra bit of pizaz, cuz it’s so easy to do, and in reality requires no effort- and yet it is a gesture that goes a long way. even re-gifting an unopened bottle if perfume i got for free at work from a promo package or gift bag would be lovely and eazy peazy.

i would pick the girl up, make sure she got inside safely before driving off. (but that bitch BETTER know the lean over ‘door trick’ or she’s dead to me!) i would open the door for her, pay for our dates (but secretly want her to offer to pay, just to gauge what kind of person she is). i would ONLY let her pay on my birthday and surprise me with little prezzies and the occasional grocery list item though.

i would be a master at whatever my profession is. i would earn a lot of money, drive a hybrid or a range rover. maybe both, just to be confusing. i would go to the doctor and take care of myself. i wouldn’t be scared of the doctor! the doctor is there to take care of you! i would have health insurance. i wouldn’t have roommates, because i would want the place to myself so i could fuck whatever girl i wanted, whenever i wanted to, however i wanted! and because real men don’t have roommates. i would do sit ups, (not in a creepy American psycho way though) but NOT be a member of the gym. i would bike ride in outfits that look like I’m a cast member of Annie hall. white shorts (to the knee) and a white loose fitting thin worn crew neck t shirt. i would give every girl i ever came near an epic orgasm. as a man, this is a power i have.  i would eat healthy and not drink soda pop. drive through dining would not be my lifestyle choice. in a pinch, i might go to baja fresh. in a pinch i said!

i would only commit to a girl if she was amazing and i was crazy in love with her. but until then, i would be a non aids catching Casanova. money would never be an issue because i make so much of it. but my broad wouldn’t be a broke weight on my shoulders either. she would be successful in her on right! i would not be a cheater because i would never be in a committed relationship if i felt the need for more, or had the desire to run from it. i would have awesome bros who inspire me to do the most with my life, time, thoughts. they would not be a bunch of lazy pot smoking monsters whose idea of an accomplished day is passing around the bong and a circle jerk!

if i were a dude, my privates would be somewhere between six and eight inches length wise, and the gurth of a genetically modified cucumber available at whole foods. visit whole foods if you don’t know what i mean. i wouldn’t want to be too big to scare a girl, or too small to be made fun of behind my back. occasionally i would drink alcohol, maybe a beer once a week. i wouldn’t smoke, and i would be great at fixing stuff- objects and meals! i would try not to be one of those guys who picks his nose when he drives, but if i did it would be TOTALLY less gross than if i were a girl. YUCK. i would want kids but not until i was like, 38. i’d be a tall, confidant, dynamo!

things would be so different if i were a dude, except for the tall part. i probably wouldn’t even date myself if a met me at a party. xo


41 Responses to “if i were a dude:”

  1. Fellatio is sucking a DICK.
    It’s “at a pinch” not “in a pinch”. FYI


  2. Cunnilingus is eating pussy.


  3. whoops, thanks, i re-worked it. xo


  4. I totally agree.
    i would do the exact same.
    this cracked me up, and is possibly the most amazing thing ive ever read.


  5. I think you’re adorable and your height is awesome. take it from a girl who’s 5′ 4″ and puts heigh inserts in her boots to make herself a mere 3 inches taller! I wish I had your height.


  6. OK, I admit it. What’s the lean over door trick? DYING to know.


  7. why can’t you be like this as a girl?


  8. fuckin right!


  9. and sarah needs to watch a bronx tale that’s the “sonny test” i believe.


  10. what would you be like if you were a girl?

    are you doing it right?


  11. LOVE this! i think a guy needs to write one on a girl now.


  12. Ahhhh well. The “Sonny Test” I know. Thanks William!


  13. If I were a dude I would not read the Game. And I would wash my hair. It is so strange and gross guys do not do that.


  14. Hilarious. And so true. Except for the pink tie, I’m not a fan.


  15. you are hilarious. fucking hilarious.


  16. Sounds like u expect a whole lot out of a guy. Imperfection makes the man hun…


  17. some of this describes me…how flattering. but i guess if anyone caught me reading this blog they might mistake me for gay.


  18. So I just did the door test(which I havent’t done in years)while leaving the beach a couple hours ago. It was with a girl I met a while ago, but it was the first time we hung out. She failed.
    I told her that
    right after she failed.
    Then at the red light near Pepperdine, I looked over at her and just went for it. We kissed, it was kinda rad.
    She said “That was spontaneous”
    I dropped her off, now I’m writing about it on your blog(which is kinda of gay of me) “But who really cares, we just throw it in the air”
    your post reminds me of a Rick Ross line ” Martin had a dream, Bob got high,I still do both but somehow I got by…


  19. you’re the best.. just crackin me up all the time.


  20. I guarantee if you were to actually find all of that in a guy, you would dump him so fast because women like being put in their place. They need it. If they get to have their way all of the time, they all of a sudden start to think they are Scarlet Joahnson…LOL..and all guys will treat them this way. So then they go for the NEXT guy…who is an asshole, and they stick with them…pissed off and grouchy..and wonder why they hell they love them so much.


  21. xpez2000, you are so right. A LOT of women, even the “nice” quiet ones, are just plain outright confused. ATTRACTION is NOT a choice for women. Meaning, they can say they want NICE guys, but that doesn’t mean they will be attracted them. They’ll maybe give you a chance if you’re nice, but wont fuck you if you don’t have that attraction. Sadly, this attraction usually comes when you put them in your place, you know, not let them step on you. BAD BOYZ do this naturally. Many Women want nice, but are attracted to the bad boyz. You really have to play with their feelings..haha..be bad, then nice, then bad again.hahaha


  22. Oh girl, American Psycho is NOT creepy.
    I’d still date you, until we’re bored of not having anything in common.


  23. ATTRACTION is NOT a choice for women. [. . .] Sadly, this attraction usually comes when you put them in your place, you know, not let them step on you. [. . .] You really have to play with their feelings..haha..be bad, then nice, then bad again.hahaha

    No. No, no, no. The latter doesn’t follow from the former. Attraction just often precedes judgments of character. You may be drawn to a pair of fine eyes and the confident way a man carries himself, and then decide to ignore the ringing alarm bells just because the attraction is so strong. (I couldn’t, but some can.) But that’s an ‘in spite of’, not a ‘because’.

    I say this as someone who’s currently trying to help her still-besotted friend see that her ex was Mr Douchebag of the Year (choice instances of said douchebaggery: ‘if you really loved me you wouldn’t insist on a condom’; ‘you know, that part about never having been married? well, I kind of lied’; ‘you know, that part about dating you exclusively? well, I kind of lied’; ‘you know, that part about… uh… which lie did I tell now?’): I have NEVER heard anyone say ‘Mr so-and-so is so wonderful because he treats me like crap’. The one thing I always hear is, ‘Mr so-and-so is so wonderful although he occasionally treated me like crap, but he didn’t really mean it, he was actually pretty sweet most of the time, I’m sure he just had some kind of a condom-phobia, you know? and maybe he just forgot about his two ex-wives? and his other current girlfriends? that was probably it, yeah, he might even have had early-onset Alzheimer’s, and can I really judge someone with early-onser Alzheimer’s? isn’t that, like, discrimination? he was so nice most of the time, you know . . .’ (ad nauseam)

    The biggest problem with nice guys is that that most self-proclaimed ‘nice guys’ are simply major douchebags with a poor sense of self. (Douchebag above? Another self-proclaimed ‘nice guy’.) And this: ‘Sure, many women say they want nice, but they really want the bad boys‘? Is their universal battle cry. Don’t fall into that trap, boys, or you’ll be whining your way to the Douchebag of the Year Awards. Category: ‘Bitterest Ageing Bachelor with a Bald Spot and a World-Record Collection of Porn’.

    I’m sure there are some women who love being treated like crap, but these women have masochistic leanings and are usually damaged in some way. This may come as a surprise to men – ‘nice guys’ especially – but actually the vast majority of women prefer to be treated like human beings. Here, it goes like this: 1. Attractive guy treating you with respect? Bingo. 2. Unattractive guy treating you with respect? Bonus points, but attraction can’t be forced. (You try being attracted to that girl hunched over her lunch in the corner table just because she politely passed you the ketchup bottle and smiled. Try to see past the acne scars and buck teeth and social awkwardness and debilitating insecurities. See? Isn’t so easy when the tables are turned, is it.) If said guy then repeats the ‘Sure, many women say they want nice. . .’ mantra, the bonus points are immediately retracted. 3. Attractive guy treating you like crap? See my friend’s typical rant above. It helps if the girl is insecure: easier to make her doubt her senses and believe that you’re actually doing her a kindness by sleeping with other women on the side. 4. Unattractive guy treating you like crap? Middle finger. 5. Unattractive guy treating you like crap AND not taking no for an answer, because that’s what confident bad boys do? Restraining order.

    Simple as that.


  24. Oops. Er. That got a bit long.

    Condensed version: DON’T BE A DOUCHEBAG, AND USE SOME COMMON SENSE. THANKS.


  25. “but these women have masochistic leanings and are usually damaged in some way”

    You say that like it’s a bad thing? :) See, the smiley face means I might be sadistic, but I’m not misogynistic. Emoticons come in handy sometimes.


  26. HILLARIOUS! and so true.. you have eloquently described my dream man.


  27. Harrumph. I’ve been trying to leave a reply, but the system keeps swallowing it, and then I get increasingly stubborn, so there’s a very real possibility that suddenly there’ll be 120 identical comments from me, and that possibility makes me paranoid about leaving it one more time.

    I hate it when computers use these bad boy tactics on me. And yet, I keep coming back for more.


  28. So NOW you’re acting like Mr Nice Guy, huh??

    FUCK YOU, COMPUTER! YOU AND I ARE *SO* OVER.


  29. … okay, I’ll give my computer one more chance, just because I can’t resist making one more comment about masochism. I wanted to say something along the lines of this (in response to robot):

    Hey, each to her own :) (Smiley means: ‘… but I’d personally rather suppress whatever masochistic leanings I have, because I’m morally and intellectually opposed to the fetishisation of gendered, sexualised violence.’ Or maybe it just means ‘OMG I’m sooooo afraid my butt might look totes fat in a black vinyl outfit.’ I don’t know.)

    Anyway I’m sure most female subs confine their masochism to the bedroom. Which makes me wonder: are bad boy mindgames a turn-on in any alternative universe? And why are men so convinced that they are?! Do sexually masochistic leanings (as opposed to having major self-esteem issues etc.) have anything to do with letting your guy walk all over you in ‘real life’? I kind of doubt it.

    (Must. Stop. Procrastinating. Now.)


  30. this post was more of a confidence booster than a lesson. I’m 80% there….

    just inspired me to throw out/sell all the childish things I still hold onto for no good reason except that I like them.

    also, where are all the girls like you? who even KNOW what apc denim is.

    -DavyG


  31. brilliant. fecking genius!


  32. i would pick the girl up, make sure she got inside safely before driving off. (but that bitch BETTER know the lean over ‘door trick’ or she’s dead to me!) i would open the door for her, pay for our dates (but secretly want her to offer to pay, just to gauge what kind of person she is). i would ONLY let her pay on my birthday and surprise me with little prezzies and the occasional grocery list item though.

    fuck this makes me believe that my ex was an evil evil b. birthdays is the pass for me to do anything. she can be a b*tch all year but not on my bday. she owes me that anal she promised but never gave.


  33. ^ no homo.


  34. Cranky Hag is so right about everything.
    Also, so many girls get convinced that they “like assholes.” But the fact is that most guys are assholes, even ugly guys. So you are statistically speaking, you’re going to end up dating assholes most of the time. Most guys who say they are nice are actually just assholes with annoying martyr complexes. Get a therapist or something.


  35. So you’d be gay if you were a dude?


  36. alexi, i would totes make out with you if you were a dude


  37. i’m a fan of your blog and all but this might be the stupidest thing i’ve ever read. Just shows you really don’t know what it’s like to be a dude.


  38. I smoke a lot and drink (I’m male) because I think women will think that makes me cool, is not that the case?


  39. YOU WOULD BE MY KIND OF GUY


  40. Alexi, if I was that guy, I’d DEFINITELY consider myself LUCKY to date you!


  41. 1 of my favorite post


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