BLOG » if you’re not rich,famous, or goodlooking- you need a gimmick:
let’s cut the bullshit dude’s, if you’re not rich famous or good looking, you’re gonna need a god damn gimmick! no girl wants to fuck an ugly, poor, loser, with no drive or hope of a promising future! add a LACK of personality, sense of humor, money, style, charm, flair, social savvy, or quick wit to the list and you are one sorry/sad sack of shit- with definite potential to induce a clit-hard off . get it together motherfuckers! you’re gonna have to think fast, and that’s just what I’m here for. to help you get pussy. or at least to prevent the girls, who accidentally DO fuck you, from regretting it the next day/re-thinking their sexuality and maybe even their choice to go on living!
get a job you lazy, coach surfing, entitled, oaf! and rework your wardrobe while you’re at it! throw out the shoes you think are ok and functional. shoes AREN’T for function. they tell the RIGHT girls how lame you really are. they are a sneak peak into your inner psyche/soul, without you even knowing. but you can mask this UGLY, WRONG, UNEDUCATED side of yourself, by following my advice. how about, for starters, you develop a skill? something you’re good at. think outside the box. try to MATTER. fyi- just because you were born, doesn’t mean you matter or are of interest to anyone. try, just try, to make a contribution- instead of being a waste of space with a severe pot, cocaine, or nitrus addiction. just putting that out there. do with it what you will.
i assume there is a certain kind of girl you like, and that’s why you’re here. i cater/speak to a certain demographic…i think. prove me wrong. I’m interested in knowing who is even reading this thing. so if you like girls named zoey and Chloe, sexy offbeat beauties, or just all gorgeous, smart, successful, stylish women of the world….they expect a lot. they don’t have to settle for a loser in dockers, sketchers, faded goodwill polo shirts, or flap pocket jeans with embroidery- TO SAY THE LEAST! if you want the TOP NOTCH pussy, you better work to your manly potential! i bet you could even go to target RIGHT NOW and throw a super cool outfit together for way less than going to apc or topman. i dare you! here’s the secret. dress like a gay dude, who happens to only like to eat pussy. have/develop a personality, ask questions, have a job that pays you and that you actually LIKE doing. the trick is to appear effortless, despite all the effort.
learn to be great at giving head, going down on a girl, eating pussy, sucking on vagina (don’t JUST/ONLY ‘suck’- it was a phrase, not the directions.) i once broke up with a guy cuz he never even offered to go down on me. i never even gave him the chance to be grossed out by me! if you are fucking/making love with a girl, YOU MUST OFFER TO LICK HER PRIVATES EVERY TIME! EVERY SESH! your goal should be to make her cum! over and over. not only will your stock soar with the girl in question, your word of mouth will be to die for! you have soooo much power when you are good at sucking pussy AND ACTUALLY GETTING THE GIRL TO ORGASM! that last part is the most important. don’t let her fake it. because we do. sometimes us girls feel bad for you cuz you aren’t finding out spot/clit, or guilty because it’s taking too long for us to cum- and we’re worried you’re getting bored (but that’s a lesson to the ladies too. don’t let him stop till you’re done bitches! and tactfully and gently teach him/show him what you need), or embarrassed cuz we think we might be yucky down there for whatever reason (which is why girlies should ALWAYS carry baby wipes). SO, being the sexy, manly, Casanova i am teaching you to be, tell the girl (in a sexy straightforward man voice that is confident and experienced (even if you’re not) that you get off when she gets off and that you won’t stop till she cums at least a few times!
as for the clothing situation, you’re gonna need a few staples. and a few new stores to start shopping at. black leather bomber jacket. white sneakers. even creme colored low top OR high top converse are ok. if i were you, i would get a simple pair of white sneaker at topman or urban outfitters- there’s only one topman in nyc or the ones in london. however, opening ceremony carries topman in la. hmm. options. either/or, i guess that’s why online shopping was invented. you’ll definitely need some crisp dark blue denim jeans from ksubi or apc, straight-leg thank you. a pair of black denim jeans. some button ups from American apparel and/or uniqlo. a white suit, a black suit, a black skinny tie, and a pale pink skinny tie. i wish i could go shopping with you. but i can’t hold your hand through this. after all, you are ALMOST a grown up. let me know if this helps. and if you have ANY exciting adventures during your metamorphosis, send me the pix so i can post them on the blog. good luck my little Casanovas in training!!! xoxox
“fyi- just because you were born, doesn’t mean you matter or are of interest to anyone.”
LOL
that’s made my day.
it’s so unfortch that’s true for some people.
oh my god, i’m dying….this is fucking too much. SO funny, so true. and that photo – for fucks sake!!!!! give a girl a breakdown over here……
Brilliant.
Id also like to add ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH/HOLLISTER does not make a guy sexy, but completely unoriginal and one of many pathetic walking clones
“fyi- just because you were born, doesn’t mean you matter or are of interest to anyone.”
fuck, I was going to quote that because I love it so much but laura wins
lolol i’m dieing “a phrase not the directions” and the “fyi” OMGEEEEEEEEEEEEE this is why i love you enough to almost be a lesbian
and the aber/hollister commenter fuck yes if i see one more thirty something way to old dude in aber cargos + flip flops i will die then tell them they look pathetic
this is a really terrible blog for many reasons…
No that last dude is way off plus his name is ‘George’. Just came across your blog today; Very on point. You’ve got to come on our podcast and I’d love to interview you for my website and blog, a lot of related content about hot women, sex and emotional emotions for real adults…
ANYWAYS…keep up the good work.
B
Hey, great post, very well written. You should write more about this. I’ll certainly be subscribing.
I love your blog. Your writing is fantastic and I love your bold humor. Gave you a shoutout on my blog. Keep it rolling!
yo!!!!! u have me dying at my job!!!! I work at a indie film theater and people are knocking on my door to shut up but I do not CARE@@@@! Thanks for throwing these cads a line, lord knows they need it:)
holy shit I love this!
vapid
george totally wears dockers and doesn’t go down. you, george, are selfish and unstylish
Your suggestions are as pathetic as the guys you claim could benefit from them. You’re not 13 anymore, you need to grow up!
i fucking love everything you post. to “truth” and “george”..i hope the next trashy hoe you screw leaves your balls blue ;*
george smells like a 30 something writer with no life
ok this looks good
but:
you need to say whatever you’re trying to say with less words. the text is too f long. you got talent. you just need to edit.
second. the promo video is great. and the end, the catchy part i mean, is kinda weak. if you could potentially catch aids, you could also get pregnant, you could also break your heart… and lets say…can lesbians get aids while fornicating ? oh wait…do they technically fornicate ?
kids was filmed in 1990/something…maybe revisit that.
you could give a much better punchline. bellow the belt is were its at. hit where it hurts A.
and FYI
we both love the same man !
x
v
dark denim is playedddd out.
First of all, everything is playedddd out. Even noticing that things are played out, is playedddd out.
This is good advice, though. Unless you’re gay, in which case you shouldn’t dress like a gay dude who just happens to only eat pussy. Actually, I think maybe gay guys like the idea of hooking up with straight guys, so maybe you should. Hmmm. Okay, I’m getting off topic.
Allow me to add.
Don’t do things halfway. Go shop at Uniqlo, or go to Atelier (maybe H&M and Maxfield if you’re in Los Angeles – wait, is there a Uniqlo in LA?). Even if you’re not going indie rocker wannabe style – that general advice still works. Go to Urban Outfitters, or go to Colette. Do not go to Banana Republic. Do not collect $200. Get a cool random watch on a cheap leather cuff from some hipster store for $40, or get a real watch. Do not get a Tag Heuer.
Girls don’t like halfassed. Girls like boys who put in a lot of effort, or no effort. (He chased me to the ends of the Earth, or he’s just so cool and stands outside his rehearsal space all day smoking cigarettes and never returns my calls). That’s why the halfway measures send the wrong signals. “Hey, I totally care, but not enough to actually put in the effort.”
This is rambling and not my usual drum tight prose, but you get the idea.
Of course, if you are gay and have naturally brilliant style, you can ignore my advice and buy from wherever you like. Just tell me where the cool stuff is at so I can copy it.
Thank you Robot, for taking the time out and touching down on this topic. However, its offficial, dark denim is played out. I know, I know, none of us saw this coming. It kind of blind sided us like Adam lambert. Anywayzies(copyright)the good news is that reg good ole’ jean denim is not played so wear the shit out of that. Saying things are “playyed out” is not playyed out if you excentuate the yy . I went to a very prestigious school In france for many years to become the “tastemaker” that I Am, to decide these things with a panel of the cool elite in Paris. Im not going to get into the “how to get girls” thing. If you don’t know.. then you prob shouldn’t.xx
oooohhhhhhhh!!!! do NOT 4get a great haircut and manscaping. And this is not to say that facial hair is a no-no, because it’s HOT on most men….BUT waxing the unibrow NEVER HURT NOBODY:)
Good advice as far as the being amazing in the oral category goes. Should also mention that those women who have the ability to TEACH the mysterious art of the female orgasm be more open to casting calls. Hell if your bored and are seeing some douche. See that 17 year old who thinks he knows whats going on? Take him aside hand hold him and create the future.
As far as the clothing goes. I’d have to disagree in the promotion of “The building of the ultimate super yuppie”. Instead take the advice with a grain of salt and put your own style in it. And if you have no style. Go to the store with the cutest version of the kind of girls you are interested in. Make sure she doesn’t work at the store and get commission thou.
Spike Jonez!
Love him love him love him
he is creative director of my favorite site VBS.com
can you do more with him and the other vice magazine boysss?
Your blog is fucking perfect! I very happily linked you, xo.
haha, great thread!
Well it’s written to get a reaction. And it succeeds. Irritated me at first. But not so much the second and third time through. There’s some interesting contradictions in her tone. For example:
“no girl wants to fuck an ugly, poor, loser, with no drive or hope of a promising future!”
“No drive or hope for a promising future” – I get that and I agree, totally. “Ugly, poor, loser” – Well now these are words chosen for effect… for a reaction. This makes me wonder how much of this piece this girl really buys into and how much of it she’s simply writing to get a rise out of dudes who are maybe a little self conscious of such things.
On one hand her forthrightness is kinda hot. I like a girl who knows what she wants, however it’s a bit high-and-mighty too, which is lame and pretty unsexy. It’s brashness seems a bit contrived (particularly in the first two paragraphs) and part of me thinks the girl who wrote it is actually a pretty introverted docile person with a good brain in her head who started the blog as some kind of alter ego to rant about her frustrations with men. I think the gist of her “advice” is subjective for the most part, but true enough, particularly for dudes who are just looking to get fucked. I like to believe there’s a bit more depth and complexity to finding a meaningful relationship (and, in my experiences, the best sex)than she lays out, but yes, initial attraction is more often than not physical, monetary, fame (I think power would have been a better word to cover both money and fame) or gimmick based. While three of those qualities are pretty subjective, it’s still tough to deny. Hell, I just came back from my first trip to Vegas and “if you’re not rich, famous, or goodlookin – you need a gimmick” is a way of life down there, and a sad fact of human nature.
The biggest problem with this piece is that she devalues her “lesson” by adding shit like:
“and rework your wardrobe while you’re at it! throw out the shoes you think are ok and functional. shoes AREN’T for function. they tell the RIGHT girls how lame you really are. they are a sneak peak into your inner psyche/soul, without you even knowing. but you can mask this UGLY, WRONG, UNEDUCATED side of yourself, by following my advice”
…and basically all of the fashion/brand references, really. That’s coming from a guy who likes shoes – and owned more pairs than his ex-girlfriend for chrissake! But come on! As someone who likes to dress with some semblance of personal style, I also could really give a fuck about name brands and find the majority of my clothes at second hand stores – not because I’m cheap, but because I’m thrifty dammit! I also don’t need any ads or any fashion-savvy claims to inform me of what I should like and wear. I know what I like and that shows and I believe and have been told (by females AND gay men) that this trumps any trend chaser crap. For this reason, all the fashion references really overshadow the good bits of advice in the piece.
There’s something incredibly sexy about a person who is comfortable with themselves, honest, self aware and self confident. It just so happens that these people are often the “rich, famous, good-looking, or gimmicky” people that she is referring to (well, maybe not honest). But I like to think that the previously mentioned qualities are the root, and based on that I think she either misses or choses to ignore this and opts instead for a title and tone that is gonna grab attention and get a reaction. Crafty. Effective. And another unfortunate fact of human nature in relation to modern media.
In the third paragraph she says:
“the trick is to appear effortless, despite all the effort.”
“Trick” is the key word there. I don’t like getting tricked. And I prefer not to trick people. It’s bullshit, and more work, and stress – and in my case, hair loss – than it’s worth in the end. To steal her tone – No pussy that you have to trick to get in is THAT good.
Hahahahahhaha, laughin my ass at this shit. This is really cool shit, a cumdupster telling guys how to mold themselves to get her to notice them. I bet you’re an independent girl with a blog, writing about guys becoz you’re too busy being happy with guys.
This is basic shit, any 13 yo kid knows this and a lot more. Some guys know, some don’t. It’s evolution. Some win, some lose. Some cut up the cake, some pick up the leftovers. Enjoy the left-overs who read your blog to learn how to be to get you.;) In the future, we’ll buy women from the Philipines… Hahahahahhaahahaha!! They’re the cutest and cheapest on planet earth.. ƒåß.
So Devon has it right. On the OP, on the brands and on the shoes.
Crap I design, alter and sew my clothes – partially because manufactured assembly line, cookie cutter shit is boring, bourgeois, partly because I like to express myself and have a commitment to be creative, and partially because its less expensive and allows me to spend money on other things I can’t make myself.
But if this article told you something you didn’t know from the already constant pressure of cultural norms then maybe the best you could do is buy a bunch of stamples that most of us think were cliche eight years ago are emblems of douches.
To the poster who thinks that things don’t get playyyed out – they do, they most definitely do. Not because it has become familiar or because is no longer shocking but because other douches are trying to copy your style and someone might mistake you for one of them.
If you haven’t getting your partner off then why do expect more pussy than you already get – you need to work with the pussy you already have.
Fuck off to the social darwinist above.
[...] from IMBOYCRAZY [...]
this is hilarious, witty, entertaining. fashion advice is a little specific/hipster. i think men are sexy in whatever they feel most comfortable in… obviously there are no-nos, like skechers for example, but not every man is going to look good in a skinny tie. a sexy man is comfortable in his own skin. his style should reflect that. cheers!
You’re looking through the wrong end of the telescope here.
You can’t buy sex appeal.
There exists no check list of “things to buy” or “things to say” to get laid but IF THERE WERE it’d go something like this:
1.) Be.
People with a real sense of creative style don’t sit around discussing ways to “be hip.”
If you don’t “get it” then you’ll never “get it” and you can’t feign “getting it.” It’s impossible to appeal to everyone at the same time.
Be yourself. Someone will fuck you.
We’re all animals.
Besides, being a loser may be the new “natural selection.” If everyone acted the same way and wore white sneakers – HOW WOULD WE KNOW WHO TO FUCK?! (sigh)
I’d rather fuck a REAL LOSER than a FORGED CASANOVA but if you want to play Cat&Mouse trying to crack the invis-code of Hip -FEEL FREE – what you THINK is fuckworthy NOW will change in 5 years – but what has ALWAYS BEEN fuckworthy will remain unchanged anyway.
::::curtsy::::::
i love that this entry is getting such a reaction. you have your readers right where you want them. and that’s what’s cool about this blog.
this is your demographic right here. the psuedo-intellects.
“No pussy that you have to trick to get in is THAT good.”
i concur.
You really need to calm down… i’m pretty sure any guy that doesn’t put forth that much effort is aware of what they’re unable to get. As far as your hipster fashion tips, a guy has style or he doesn’t. Your suggestions are certainly worthless, any dude taking your advice is going to come across as style-free and trying way too hard. Now lay off the crailtap fam already
you misogynist idiots. you can’t handle being told to put effort into your appearance. get a clue. and alexi contradicts herself all the time to be funny. it’s intentional and you’re a dumbass for not getting it.
you’re the shit
and spot on with the clothing
Offer to eat pussy every time!?!?
AHAHHAHAHA
Can I suck your ex-boyfriends dick too?
NO FUCKING WAY.
“throw out the shoes you think are ok and functional. shoes AREN’T for function. they tell the RIGHT girls how lame you really are. they are a sneak peak into your inner psyche/soul, without you even knowing.”
i LOVE that! it makes me feel so much better about my own personal judging people based largely on their footwear.
When shopping for baby supplies there is never enough saving. Using an albee baby coupon code online will help in the saving of some of the items that a person buys. Baby stuff is so expensive! I built a site to help you get baby coupons, hope it helps you save some green!
i m poor i like to earn i m new for this and intrested
Do me a favor girls wash that pussy before he goes down on you
especially after you been on the dance floor, and pissing out all that booze getting everywhere all messy. Wet wipes!