BLOG » stress doesn’t suit me:
I’ve been pretty hectic lately. I just moved from Los Feliz to the Beverly Melrose area AND had other actual WORK stuff to do (nonstop) at the same time. It was kuh-razy.
I don’t handle stress easily. I internalize AND externalize all of my feelings. I break out- of good manners town AND pimple wise! I wanna have sex with everyone, but can’t bring myself to have sex with ANYONE, cuz I’m too stressed! All I wanna do is throw in the towel and get on the tram ride at universal studios.
I need to be hugged, but push everyone away. I wear all my ugliest bras because I know no one will want to undress me. I’m on edge with bank tellers, when I KNOW I should never be. I’m polite to EVERYONE else, except whoever I’m dating,and my mom. I avoid my friends, but wonder why they aren’t calling me. They could pick up the phone too you know! I say I want to build better friendships, have peers who are inspiring and doing a lot with their lives. And yet I have no time for the friendships I’ve ALREADY made. Or are these just not the IDEAL friendships I’m MEANT to experience?
I make time to see my therapist, but when I see her, it’s more of a staring match and I can’t remember what I had planned to say, what I NEED to talk about. I walk out of her office $100 lighter without having even ASKED for at LEAST a guided meditation to help me unwind. Everyone says: “relax.”. “Just breath”, “take a breath”. But when I do, it’s more like hyperventilating.
I finished the work I had to do, I finished my move- but have a few more looming trips to bed bath and beyond and ikea to make, but this is just to tie up loose ends!I can breath again. I’m smiling again. And now my brain has too much time to think, too much free time to let bad thoughts of self doubt creep in. So I make lists and start the cycle again: to be as busy as I JUST was- HOPING I won’t be as panicked this time around. Cuz too much idle time makes me depressed. And while too much on my plate makes me panic: the only rewards come after the WORK is done!
When I can stand back and look at what I did even though I was too blind and spazzed out during the process, THAT makes the panic worth it. idle time makes me pick at my face, eat too much, cry and seem desperate. I’ll choose panic every time. I love you. Xoxox