BLOG » history repeats itself:


I’ve been in a really weird mood these past few days. I’m angry and frustrated most of the time. Why, I don’t know. This morning I woke up in a puddle of my own blood and thought ‘well, at least I’m not pregnant anymore.’ But, as I fully woke up, I realized I was never pregnant. I was just having my period. I was still laying in a puddle of my own blood though. Thank god I learned that hydrogen peroxide trick.

Does the more blood you bleed during your period, mean the crazier you’re gonna act? I hope so, cuz that would explain a lot. And I need an explanation. Because I’m not happy. I’m constantly tired, and for the first time in my life, can’t get the happiness and validation I crave- from a guy. which is making me hate the guy. am i only now noticing something I’ve already gone through, but never put my attention on? this is repeated behavior.

Shopping didn’t make it better, an epic walk didn’t make it better, a boy saying ‘I love u’ didn’t make it better, a trip to the therapist didn’t make it better, (old episodes of the ORIGINAL Beverly hills 90210 KINDA made it better). I need this to be hormones. Please let it be hormones. And if that’s all it is, it’s scary to think how angry, mean and out of control I can be just cuz I’m having my period.

I’ve been really up and down with a guy I’m dating. I want to feel something, so I’m trying to fight with him. But I feel nothing. I’m bored. I have my attention on other things. life and work etc. And I’m confused as to whether I’m bored with him or if the relationship is calm and should be left alone while I tend to the real stuff that’s making me excited/and inspired/and overwhelmed/etc, which-right now- is work. It’s like, I don’t want to admit tha I might not be that into the relationship RIGHT NOW, or that i’m pre-occupied with thoughts and panic and work, so I try to start a fight and pin it on him. that way, there’s a REASON we can’t hang out or be happy together. I am a monster. I make up reasons to fight with the guys I date. I make up fake scenarios in my head that I actually believe. I live in a dream world and blame the guy for stuff – even if he’s done NOTHING wrong. Just out of habit. Just to feel something, anything- to shake myself up. and/or to push him away. (on a side note- this is how i used to break up with dudes, cuz i was too much of a pussy to end it properly and confront the situation.) I don’t know how to stop. Because after I do that, I can’t shake the guilt and the shame I have of my bad behavior. I don’t like how I feel around the guy, even after the drama’s subsided, because I’ll never believe he’s forgiven me.

Unless I wake up and take responsibility for my behavior and stop sleep walking through life and falling into easy habits- I will repeat this over and over again and bring this behavior into the next relationship and the next. But habits are hard to break. I don’t know about you, but I exist in two parts: The logical, rational part and the crazy/baby/infant/trouble making/insecure/monster/mess part. I can even be BOTH at the SAME time during an argument with a boyfriend. Telling him that I’m about to say things I don’t mean, that are fucked up, and that I can’t stop myself.

I do all of this push and pull fighting bullshit so that the guy is forced to prove his love for me on a day to day basis. To reassure me over and over. This is so unfair to him. and eventually, he will run- to protect himself from me. And I don’t blame him. and yet, I still feel angry and unfulfilled- as if it’s all his fault. Maybe I should just stop dating seriously. Or maybe I should grow the fuck up and bite my tongue and force myself to have A LOT of self control. To show some restraint. In my case, a lot of restraint. I really want to be better. I’m going to try. I just don’t know if I can trust myself… especially on mornings when I wake up in a puddle of my own blood.

ps: if anyone wants me to break up with their boyfriend via a letter on my blog or maybe a video, I’ll totally do that for you. I’m in a strange mood, and this offer won’t be on the table forever. i love you.

22 Responses to “history repeats itself:”

  1. hey, i am TOTALLY on the same page right now. Sometimes i start fighting with my boyfriend and saying things and one part of my brain is like “heeeheeheehaha this’ll show him!” and the other part is like, “what are you doing, you crazy bitch?!!” Why does this happen? Let me know if you figure it out. I’ll tell you if I do.

  2. it’s your self-entitlement and hormones and insecurity. yayyy!

  3. the hormones thing is real. my wife is 30, a really sweet and awesome girl but when pms hits her, and her period, it’s amazing the changes that can happen. it really is a personality shift. the normal logic that is natural to her goes out the window, and is replaced by some other system that is really vulnerable and unstable. something i say that would normally just be part of a conversation becomes a horrible insult that brings her to tears and my attempts to make her see why i said what i said become a bitter argument. there’s no logic at that point.
    the good thing about it is that after being together for many years we both sort of know the deal. so rather than getting wrapped up into an argument i just try to be really gentle and not get offended and give her lots of extra love. i think loads of couples have to figure this one out and it takes time. you just have to be okay with the fact that you can’t treat those times the same way you treat other times. rationality has to be replaced with understanding, and it’s not such a big deal. she has to put up with a lot from me, too so i’m happy to roll with that stuff. flowers are a good idea.
    of course, this is my wife. lots of other girls in my past have not gotten the same level of understanding. it has to be worth it, no doubt.

  4. WOW. this summed me up in a nutshell. every word. its exactly how ive been feeling and my boyfriend now thinks im crazy. id like to know whats wrong with me as well.

  5. Hi Alexi,

    Very good an honest piece. Remember, happiness comes from within and others can never make you happy. Seeking that from others is always a disappointing path. I truly believe that people fall in love with the feelings that others give them and not the people themselves (to actually fall in love with someone is a long and difficult process). These feelings will always fade away and then we are left searching for the next fix. Check out the book “The Road Less Traveled” by M Scott Peck. The chapter on love is profound and outstanding. Also, meditation can be a real lifesaver ( Once one truly learns to love themselves, all of these issues that you describe will melt away for the most part.

    Cheers and I hope you find peace =D

  6. please break up with my boyfriend you and i are on the same exact page.

  7. You should eat more fruit, less salt and caffiene and exercise seem to help with the physical cramps but not the emotionality. I’ve read about supplements such as evening primrose oil, calcium, and such,

    i’ve heard that vitamin B supplements (taken in the few days before your redweek) can help.
    Exercise and diet are also essential in treating PMS. Regular aerobic exercise improves moods and relieves depression; it also helps with bloating and cramps. Frequent, small high-carbohydrate meals also improve mood by elevating serotonin levels in the brain. It is important to eat complex carbohydrates such as vegetables and whole grains rather than simple carbohydrates such as cookies and candy. Available over-the-counter is a special carbohydrate drink called “PMS Escape”; it is effective and convenient, but it is also more expensive than eating a whole-wheat
    Avoid alcohol, simple sugars and excess fat. 🙂

    it should help, let me know how it turns out:)


  8. I read cho blog when I’m listening to tiny hawks and have nothing better to do. Also I like to party, but not really.


  9. I do the same exact thing. So annoying. I don’t know if I’ll ever grow out of it either. Crap.

  10. you see into my soul!

  11. i totally know what you mean..i always fight with guys just to see how far they’ll go for me…at first it goes preeeety well and i feel great..and then eventually as the relationship progresses he can’t take it anymore and i don’t feel worth it. i still manage to blame him even though it’s not his fault and then i say some really outrageous things to him that i regret/feel embarrassed about later. its basically taught me that you can’t keep searching for validation through other’s a never ending journey down the road to nothingness, i have to find whatevers lacking within myself and take care of it before i can love again.

  12. I had amazing crime scene sex last night. Orgasms help with cramps!

  13. First of all, the idea of not being into the relationship “right now” or being busy with work is a lousy one that I hear over and over. I have an unfortunate telegraph for you – life will get busier and you will have less time in the future. Life will not settle down and things will not become more organized. This is the *least* busy and the *least* amount of responsibility you will have in your life – so putting stuff off is unlikely to be a very long term solution.

    Creating situations where someone has to prove themselves is just symptomatic of being addicted to the passion of emotional pain. Some people feel that an emotion can’t be real and deep if it’s not accompanied by emotional pain. This is the emotional equivalent of a cutter – and just as effective at solving the problem.

    If you can be this honest in a blog, you should be able to be honest in a relationship (and if shoulds were goods we’d all be wealthy). I’m not sure if restraint is the answer (unless you have ones that come with gags). More likely, you need to actually deal with the problems rather than sublimate them.

    You’ve obviously already come to the conclusion that you have some real issues with the emotions of relationships (and who doesn’t – except me, I’m fine – move along, nothing to see here). Until you can correct the astigmatism of that lens, it’s going to be hard to have any objective view on the actual relationship itself.

    Possibly you can go down the list of things you do that you find unhealthy – and try to figure out the reasons you do them or say them. Figure out what emotional chasm is being filled by your various scenarios, proofs, fights, validation, reassurance, etc. People don’t say things they don’t mean because of hormones – but sometimes they get twisted and thresholds get lowered and inward anger gets directed outward. The spotter becomes the target.

    Either that, or possibly just eat more fruit. That could also be it. Probably papaya. Try both and lemme know which one works.

  14. ugh. best blog ever.

  15. My periods affect me really bad to, I find the more active I am, the happier I am when it comes to this dreadful time of the month.

  16. “I do all of this push and pull fighting bullshit so that the guy is forced to prove his love for me on a day to day basis. To reassure me over and over. This is so unfair to him. and eventually, he will run- to protect himself from me.”

    Its like i pick out girls that do this to me on a regular. I dont hate you for it, but how do you make it stop? because i would love to know

  17. i love this bit “ps: if anyone wants me to break up with their boyfriend via a letter on my blog or maybe a video, I’ll totally do that for you. I’m in a strange mood, and this offer won’t be on the table forever. i love you”

    your blog is fun to read :p, i hate it when you wake up in blood pisses me off or makes me sad because then im like far out period time. why am i even saying this in a public blog god!

  18. this is awesome. this was totally me until like this year (i’m 27 and finally figured out/addressed some things/confronted people in my life) and the “emotional cutter” analogy is totally spot on.

  19. GENIUS.

  20. i love your blog, alexi

  21. this is me to a T on my period. i dont even always connect the dots and realize thats what it is but alas when that river of blood comes so does the abuse to a man who is so good to me. and why? because he’s not throwing me a surprise party and jetting me off to unknown places every day. i can be so selfish even though i know i love him, i just want to make him suffer for my love. it’s pretty horrible and i wish there was some way to make that beast go away forever.

  22. she’s got amazing legs.

Leave a Reply