BLOG » history repeats itself:
I’ve been in a really weird mood these past few days. I’m angry and frustrated most of the time. Why, I don’t know. This morning I woke up in a puddle of my own blood and thought ‘well, at least I’m not pregnant anymore.’ But, as I fully woke up, I realized I was never pregnant. I was just having my period. I was still laying in a puddle of my own blood though. Thank god I learned that hydrogen peroxide trick.
Does the more blood you bleed during your period, mean the crazier you’re gonna act? I hope so, cuz that would explain a lot. And I need an explanation. Because I’m not happy. I’m constantly tired, and for the first time in my life, can’t get the happiness and validation I crave- from a guy. which is making me hate the guy. am i only now noticing something I’ve already gone through, but never put my attention on? this is repeated behavior.
Shopping didn’t make it better, an epic walk didn’t make it better, a boy saying ‘I love u’ didn’t make it better, a trip to the therapist didn’t make it better, (old episodes of the ORIGINAL Beverly hills 90210 KINDA made it better). I need this to be hormones. Please let it be hormones. And if that’s all it is, it’s scary to think how angry, mean and out of control I can be just cuz I’m having my period.
I’ve been really up and down with a guy I’m dating. I want to feel something, so I’m trying to fight with him. But I feel nothing. I’m bored. I have my attention on other things. life and work etc. And I’m confused as to whether I’m bored with him or if the relationship is calm and should be left alone while I tend to the real stuff that’s making me excited/and inspired/and overwhelmed/etc, which-right now- is work. It’s like, I don’t want to admit tha I might not be that into the relationship RIGHT NOW, or that i’m pre-occupied with thoughts and panic and work, so I try to start a fight and pin it on him. that way, there’s a REASON we can’t hang out or be happy together. I am a monster. I make up reasons to fight with the guys I date. I make up fake scenarios in my head that I actually believe. I live in a dream world and blame the guy for stuff – even if he’s done NOTHING wrong. Just out of habit. Just to feel something, anything- to shake myself up. and/or to push him away. (on a side note- this is how i used to break up with dudes, cuz i was too much of a pussy to end it properly and confront the situation.) I don’t know how to stop. Because after I do that, I can’t shake the guilt and the shame I have of my bad behavior. I don’t like how I feel around the guy, even after the drama’s subsided, because I’ll never believe he’s forgiven me.
Unless I wake up and take responsibility for my behavior and stop sleep walking through life and falling into easy habits- I will repeat this over and over again and bring this behavior into the next relationship and the next. But habits are hard to break. I don’t know about you, but I exist in two parts: The logical, rational part and the crazy/baby/infant/trouble making/insecure/monster/mess part. I can even be BOTH at the SAME time during an argument with a boyfriend. Telling him that I’m about to say things I don’t mean, that are fucked up, and that I can’t stop myself.
I do all of this push and pull fighting bullshit so that the guy is forced to prove his love for me on a day to day basis. To reassure me over and over. This is so unfair to him. and eventually, he will run- to protect himself from me. And I don’t blame him. and yet, I still feel angry and unfulfilled- as if it’s all his fault. Maybe I should just stop dating seriously. Or maybe I should grow the fuck up and bite my tongue and force myself to have A LOT of self control. To show some restraint. In my case, a lot of restraint. I really want to be better. I’m going to try. I just don’t know if I can trust myself… especially on mornings when I wake up in a puddle of my own blood.
ps: if anyone wants me to break up with their boyfriend via a letter on my blog or maybe a video, I’ll totally do that for you. I’m in a strange mood, and this offer won’t be on the table forever. i love you.