BLOG » i am not hitler:
the other day someone wrote a comment about my post: sometimes it’s ok to be a loser-
“You never really define what “winning” is; what the go-getter is trying to GET. It’s this horrible Beckett tragedy that you’re stuck in, a delusional bubble of waiting. Is there any point in the future where you will sit down on on an expensive couch and say “GOT IT!” or “WON!”? I mean, what the hell are you talking about? You’re inserting people who mildly annoy you into this hitleresque philosophy. You, of all people, wouldn’t be able to exist if people didn’t wash your dishes and fix your car. And instead of respecting the work they do, you see it as failure creating vacant space for your flimsy success.”
thank you so much. after reading this… it made me look at myself and ask if i’m ever really happy; if i could stop my continuous ‘want’ and ‘work mode’ and actually enjoy everything i have. my work, writing, my apt, my friends, my body, the people i love. and that’s when i realized: i am truly happy. i can look at myself in the mirror and say ‘i’m proud of myself’. i’m happy. nothing is REALLY wrong in my life. and once i acknowledged that, i quickly moved onto the next task at hand.. which was my daily process of checking off to do’s on a list… a list that will probably never end, because there is sooo much to do. a list that is constantly refilled. you see, the post i wrote wasn’t about hating people who do menial labor, or winning, or not respecting people who don’t share the same goals that i do- not at all. the post was a wake up call to people who have absolutely NO idea what they want to do with their lives and to people who do NOTHING instead of trying… anything! people who don’t take the time to stop partying and sleeping in till 2pm to figure out what they COULD be… what contribution they could make to the world. people who are too lazy, or too high to try being someone that they’re too afraid to be; someone they think they could never be- and so they don’t even try.
i don’t look at a bag boy at the grocery store and want to spit on him or punch him in the face…. i just hope he’s passionate about something in his life. for all i know, he’s the happiest bag boy ever- taking pride in bagging those groceries! as long as he’s happy and trying to be the best person he can be, that’s AWESOME! the post was MORE about telling people who try to CHANGE people who don’t want to be changed…to cut it the fuck out. unfortunately i’m not following my own advice… because i was trying to be inspiring by telling people to get off their fucking asses and when that doesn’t happen… telling the friend who’s trying to help them off their ass to stop WAITING and wasting THEIR time.. and move on, so that they can continue ‘doing’. whatever it is they ‘do’. the point is, go get whatever you want, as long as you’re being a go-getter.
it’s not about ‘waiting’, it’s about doing. i’m NOT waiting for anything. i’m doing. you can’t wait for your life to happen, for dreams to come true… you have to be pro-active. you’re the only one living your life, so don’t let people who stand still 24/7 hold you back and weigh you down. that’s why like minded people flock together: the do-ers and the lazy-mongers! and i’m not saying the do-ers cant go to bars and dance and be lazy sometimes and have fun too – when did i say that? i didn’t! if that makes me sound like hitler… well, i have no witty retort.. because i don’t want to be referred to as hitler in any way shape or form, cuz hitler was a bad dude. feel free to compare me to the dude from bravo’s hit television show ‘flipping out’ cuz he’s crazy… but he gets shit done, he does it REALLY well, and i love him.
my mom was a waitress, a single mom, worked her ass off to take care of me, AND was pursuing her creative passion at the same time! …. meanwhile her long-haired boyfriend’s (where my girls at?! you know what i’m talking about- those long-hairs will seduce us EVERYTIME!) asked her for money, while they smoked pot on the couch. these ‘long haired dudes’ are what i mean when i use the word ‘loser’. my mom, ‘the waitress’, (who, btw, broke up with said ‘losers’ the SECOND they held out one lazy grubby hand asking for cash AND told them to fuck off ) is a go getting, hard working, inspiration! so don’t you fucking dare tell me i look down on people who wash the dishes and fix my car. cuz i’ll look down on the rich asshole who has no sense of direction and the world at his feet before i would EVER disrespect a bus boy, waitress, dude who works at McDonald’s, or mechanic.
BUT, thank you for your inspired, heated comment. it helped me take the time to check in with myself- to see if i’ve ‘won’ (whatever winning is), or ‘got it’ (whatever ‘it’ is). i can breathe (for a second) and actually value my life. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M GONNA GET LAZY, but it’s nice to know i’m happy so i can carry that around in my pocket with me while i try to accomplish more of my list. (what’s on it is between me and my list.. but it’s totally not flimsy.) i hope you guys are happy too. if not, we’ll work on it together. i promise. i love you. xo
ps: nyc prep is SO TOTALLY the new WAY better HILLS! i’m starting to kinda like jessie. i respect her work ethic and her protective nature towards pc (who is SUCH a babe! i can’t wait for him to come out!) i just think jessie needs to be less angry. i wonder if she would like me. i’m guessing no. probably cuz i’m an outsider. her loss. i hope pc and the dancer girl with the speech impediment become best friends. she’s so supportive of his rumored bisexuality! she needs to start speaking with more force though! her low talking ways and nervous laughter after every sentence make me anxious. xo