otherwise, soooo scary!

“But I think she would have been happy with Fabrice,” I said. “He was the love of her life, you know.”

“Oh, dulling, ” said my mother sadly, “one always thinks that. Every, every time.”

Well, snap – I’ve never been to anywhere near LA, so that probably explains it. In fact, I’ve never been to your side of the Atlantic at all, because I have a mortal fear of plane crashes and pulmonary embolisms… so if I’m ever to see the US of A, I’ll have to take the Queen Mary 2. (Or plenty of drugs pre-flight, but drugs with a tranquillising effect slow down the heart rate, don’t they, so I’d be at GREATER risk of a pulmonary embolism, which is utterly unfair.) But even then I’d be stuck on the East Coast, so if I wanted to go and check out the beggars of LA, I’d have to get from there to LA without flying, which sounds like a pain. Are there even any railroads in the US? You never see any railway-station-set ‘OMG she’s leaving and I’ll have to catch her at the station at the last minute for a dramatic kiss in front of strangers going “awww”‘ scenes in romantic comedies, do you? (Yes, I base all my ideas about the US on romantic comedies I’ve seen.) I’m not taking a bus across the whole bloody country just to see a few beggars. Are there any well-dressed beggars in NYC? That way I could combine beggar-sightseeing with possibly running into the love of my life in a charming second-hand bookshop, except that he’d totally hate me at first, but it would be okay once we got over our quirky cultural differences and his irrational fondness for Ayn Rand. And he’d be played by James McAvoy with a black trench and a generic American accent…

Sorry – another tangent. Carry on as you were.

(Besides, if I did get to LA, I’d just end up financing the Hot Topic habit of some random stranger with a sob story.) (And come to think of it, after having spent a shedload of cash on QM2 and given the rest to the random pseudo-punk rocker, I’d have no money left for a return ticket and would have to beg on the streets of NYC and get rid of all decent clothes in order to be convincing, so I’d start using opioids to dull my sense of shame, and hence be at constant risk of developing a pulmonary embolism. Begging in threadbare underwear with blood clots inside me doesn’t sound like my idea of a good time. Anyway we’ve got plenty of beggars of our own here in Europe, thank you very much, and most of them depend on my impressionable self for an income. Plus, they’re the genuine article – they even come with a stench certificate.)

If you’ve never come across a well-dressed beggar, you must not spend much time in LA. Even ignoring the occasionally “punk” rocker dressed in $300 worth of Red Balls / Hot Topic / Etc – I have also had someone in a brand new Nautica down jacket ask me for money. And no – he didn’t happen to pick up a brand new Nautica jacket at the salvation army, unless they just coincidentally matched his trainers.

Now, if he just has a “better” outfit, and not a more expensive one – maybe he’s just thrifty an has a great sense of budget style. Note – this is different from the circa 2008 articles fashion mags started writing about “budget” outfits where the blouse was only $200. That’s called “closing the door after the sheep have left the barn”, and not “budget style”. That’s also called “a tangent”, but that’s beside the point.

As for “but what if you‘re in a serious relationship?” – well, of course you shouldn’t leave a “serious” if something better comes along. You should stay in your dreary and tedious relationship for everrrr and everrr. Or, you might ask yourself why you’re in a “serious” relationship if there is something better out there??? Instead, how ’bout being in a relationship because that’s who you want to be with more than anyone else? Don’t worry – just kidding. Suck it up and think of England (mixing my metaphors).

7. Nah, this always annoys me. People seem really fake and silly after earthquakes, natural disasters and terrorism. Not in their actions, but in their presumptive predictions. My favorite was after 9/11, watching all these entertainment talking heads on TV rambling on about how no one was making any violent movies and they probably would never make them the same way again. In other words, all the OTHER disasters of the last 100 years are irrelevant, but gee, this one affected me, so it will last forever and ever. Wait, how much can we cash in on the reality show based on SAW III? Cool, let’s do it.

2. This is why I have caller ID. Err, I mean – ’cause I’m working and verrry busy. I’ll totally call you back. Pinky swear.

Hang on – what? There are people who actually think like that? Real, grown-up people? Christ. Thank God I’ve got no un-dorky friends and can therefore preserve some smidgeon of faith in humanity…

Some combination of #7 and #10 would be nice, though. The more you read about the Poor Laws of the 19th century, the more brutal and inhumane does the whole ‘deserving poor’ concept seem. If you have a few coins to spare, and someone else has a need those coins can fill, I’d say an unconditional act of kindness never goes to waste. But that’s all IMO, of course. (Speaking as one who’s never come across a well-dressed beggar, unless a stinkier and suspiciously stained version of hobo chic counts.) (Also, speaking as a Goody Two-Shoes with no sense of humour, assuming that #10 was a joke.) (Come to think of it, the bit about dorky friends was prob. a joke too. In which case, my faith in humanity is still stubbornly intact.)