BLOG » the blind leading the blind – part 18:
1. don’t write ‘xo’ unless you mean ‘xo’!
2. hey, do yourself a favor and DON’T buy toilet paper in public! What the fuck are you trying to prove here?! do i need to hold your hand as you walk through life with your head up your ass? because, i won’t do it! i just won’t.
3. a trough of salad is still a trough. And pigs feed at a trough.
4. if something /ANYTHING resembling cottage cheese is pouring out of your vadge hole OR dick hole- it’s time to start considering wearing looser pants, having PROTECTED sex, and/or going to the fucking doctor! you oozing monster privates! Jesus!
5. eating in your car while it’s parked in the trader joes/whole foods parking lot is N0T pathetic. It’s what I call, keeping it casual.
6. if a dude walks out on you when you’re newly preggers- he’s either a total piece of shit OR you’re a rotten jerk. Either way, someone has a lot of inner work to do. Good luck… to the BABY!
7. i don’t care if you’re a Buddhist wearing a robe- if you pull into the parking space next to me, open your door, and ding my car WHILE I’m SITTING in it- I’m gonna call you out!
8. don’t be dull.
9. when you’re sleeping, if you turn over and reposition your head on the pillow- your dream will change direction too.
10. words are JUST words and people fake smiles all the time! just like YOU think one thing and say another, so does everybody else. don’t believe/buy into everything at face value. If you believe all the GOOD stuff, you’ll have to believe all the BAD stuff. try to remain grounded, solid, and secure in your skin. and don’t give others the power to change your mood.
#6 killed me. so hilarious! also, i think #10 is really good to keep in mind. i probably forget that too often!
your blog is so so good. i think the recent entries about racism were important to write about. in my opinion, the reason racism is such a problem is because it’s almost become a taboo subject in the states. people just seem reluctant to talk about it because they want to pretend racism doesn’t exist, but it still does. i think that the only way we can be progressive about this issue is to discuss it.
your blog has everything! you discuss important things when they need to be brought up, and the rest of the time it’s hilarious to read. i love it!
What’s a parking lot? a parking space? To prevent my comment from being any duller, here is everything you capitalized all at once: DON’T ANYTHING OR BABY WHILE SITTING OR JUST YOU GOOD BAD!
wait what? where am i supposed to buy toilet paper then?!
??? For some reason this doesn’t sound like Alexi except for maybe #1 and #9.
#9 isn’t really advice.
and from what website should I buy my toilet paper?
by “troft” do you mean “trough”?
Whoops! Yes. That’s what happens when you write posts at 4 in the morning! I’ll correct that when I get home!
Robot: what do you mean it doesn’t sound like me?
I agree, toilet paper is totally gross, I won’t even touch the stuff.
Is that Bob Dylan or Samantha Ronson?
Kidding. It’s totes S’Ronson
Fully with ya on the toilet paper tip. Since I’m prone to rockin’ the Vampire Hours, I tend to purchase oversized packs of the “Equivalent of Three Rolls!” ilk between 3 and 4 a.m.
Earlier than 3? Ixnay, as inevitably my “cart will cross” at least one nightcrawler I either know–or at least recognize– from clubland. How their make-up is holdin’ up in the 10,000 watt lighting is not the issue; instead, it’s all about how the sight of TP is bound to conjure up images of…
Eww. Territory on which we shall not tread.
Later than 4? BAM! There’s that adorkable hipster with whom you’ve been flirting at Starfucks. Of course, he just happens to be jetting in to get–I don’t know, chap stick or something–before “opening”/working the morning shift.
So much for THAT, then…I mean, the phrase “boody-call”?
*Ahem!*
Case at rest, right here.
Oh, and as a rule? The same applies for Tucks Pads, Preparation H, and adult-sized diapers.
Discover Amazon.com, or–if you’re fortunate enough to have an assistant… WAIT! Scratch that. No no no no no…do NOT.
If you live in L.A. and can’t fill in the proverbial blanks as to Why Not, here’s where the P.C. sensibilities get tossed over the shoulder:
Tighten the strap on your helmet, Retardo Monteban.
x o x o x
(And fully meaning it…but not, like, FULLY meaning it.
Ya naw mean?)
Dear Alexi,
I’m a fan of IMBOYCRAZY and I usually find the information you provide to be important and useful.
However, I’m forced to take issue with #5 on the list that comprises the latest addition of The Blind Leading the Blind series.
Number 5 reads, “Eating in your car while it’s parked in the Trader Joes/Whole Foods parking lot is N0T pathetic. It’s what I call, keeping it casual.”
The idea that would steer, nay, coerce your loyal and impressionable readership into this type of simian behavior is quite irresponsible.
Eating in a parked car outside of a grocer is nasty, whether it is a food retailer targeting the working class, such as Food City or Numero Uno Market or a high-end retailer like Whole Foods or Gelson’s is irrelevant.
Cracking into a bag of Pirate’s Booty or a container of cottage cheese in the parking lot carries the implication that you cannot control your fat little digits long enough to get home and prepare your food in a civilized manner; in a kitchen with proper implements like a plate and a fucking fork.
If I were to stroll by and have the displeasure of bearing witness to such a sloppy display I would certainly need to fight the urge to intervene as I would assume that I had just stumbled upon a serious binger/purger, in mid-binge. Frankly, Alexi, the thought has me purging a tiny bit in my mouth.
Yours,
Wee Ginger
no offense but i’m with ginger on this one. #2 makes me pretty pleased to not live in LA, but in the midwest, where we can buy our toilet paper whenever we want and no one cares.