BLOG » holy shit, i’m fucked/the face of a single woman!

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Holy shit! I’m fucked! Why didn’t anyone tell me being single was a fucking war game, 24/7 battle alert! or did i just forget?! I already hadn’t had sex for about 2 weeks before my breakup! Now it’s been about 3 weeks or MORE!

Boys are calling, but not only am I NOT ready emotionally to get slutty/i mean sexy/i mean intimate with someone- I’m totally not ready physically! I should really tone up my legs, shed 10 pounds, wax my vadge appropriately, and make sure my apartment is tidy at all times- swiffered and all. that means scrub tub, make sure there’s no hair in hairbrush- while it’s on display, and turn dream boards around – so some new/random dude i invite into my home doesn’t learn that one of my life goals is to become the white oprah, etc! PLUS: no picking at ingrown hairs on my bikini line!!! but I think I did that to make sure i wouldn’t get in a situation where I would allow myself to take my undies off. I don’t have herpes (YET) and I wouldn’t want people to think I do – all because they spot a blemish that I created, while playing doctor/hair removal specialist on myself!

-more single life reminders-

•Go to gym/start running- FAST

•Get a bathroom trash can that hides your yucky trash, not one that just sits there revealing weird stuff that, even if it’s not weird, could be misinterpreted. for example: if you blot your lipstick on a tissue, and throw it in the garbage, a guy could glance over and think the tissue is a bloody rag! think ladies, think! this is war! i mean, love! i mean, i don’t know what it is, but it’s time to start thinking!

•Get new car.

•Get new date outfits.

•Get maid to clean your house PROPERLY.

•ALWAYS wear a cute bra and undies!

•Buy condoms in all different shapes and sizes- cuz you never know when you’re gonna meet a guy with the biggest privates you’ve ever seen! and you can’t rely on a dude having condoms! so annoying! be prepared! cuz we girls love sex too! riiiight!

PS: if you’re ever forced to get ready at 1am to meet some dude at his hotel, and you look like shit- here’s a ‘how to’ guide for getting ready in a flash! xo

stupid gets ready: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

By: boycrazy on September 9, 2009
Tags: , , , , ,


32 Responses to “holy shit, i’m fucked/the face of a single woman!”

  1. detasha, on September 9th, 2009 at 7:26 am Said:

    Alexi your so cute n funny hun’


  2. Diego, on September 9th, 2009 at 8:35 am Said:

    Hi alexi
    I’m sorry for your situation anyway if you buy a car buy a hibrid…it would make L.A air a little bit cleaner!

    kiss


  3. Cuhsandra, on September 9th, 2009 at 9:11 am Said:

    Love the look today. Very Benny & Joon


  4. Sofia, on September 9th, 2009 at 11:26 am Said:

    Hahahahaha. nice moves, ma’am.


  5. Talia, on September 9th, 2009 at 12:02 pm Said:

    hahaha. you’re such a star.
    ..but those are truly gangsta moves.


  6. Jemibook, on September 9th, 2009 at 12:19 pm Said:

    Love it. Now I will always be ready!


  7. seedub, on September 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm Said:

    if i ever tried to put that much black shit on my eyes i’d look like courtney love. YOU looked better without it too sistah.

    single is cool after a few months. trust me.


  8. Nick, on September 9th, 2009 at 2:13 pm Said:

    Wheres some love for the guys who read your blog?


  9. joanita, on September 9th, 2009 at 4:24 pm Said:

    hahah oh you’re hilarious. i love it. your eye make up makes you look like grown up Coraline. !!


  10. LOL, on September 9th, 2009 at 6:08 pm Said:

    No offense

    But why didnt you do this WHEN YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND.

    All you’re doing is telling guys its better to fuck around than get into a relationship.

    Wheres the benefit?

    Whats the point, when i can still get sex with girls who would actually make the effort to and not let herself go.
    y’all broads are missing the memo and fuckin the whole game up for urselves

    LOL


  11. Angela, on September 9th, 2009 at 7:58 pm Said:

    aah! alexi! cute and funny but i need real makeup help!!


  12. stephyy, on September 9th, 2009 at 9:24 pm Said:

    Missy your too cute haha, where were you in my life last year!!!! Gosh! Your blog would’ve helped me!!! About a year ago I got out of a serious relationship of 3 years and it sucked so much beyond and I wasn’t ready for the world! :) you’ll be fine girly! btw RAP music really does get you through a break up LOL no lie its all about the money and bitches :D !

    <3,
    Stephyy


  13. juiceteese, on September 9th, 2009 at 10:26 pm Said:

    is it just the eyeliner or are your eyes really that huge?


  14. moneycuh, on September 9th, 2009 at 11:15 pm Said:

    your so hilarious!


  15. na ah, on September 9th, 2009 at 11:47 pm Said:

    you don’t need all that black shit in your eyes, that’s gross.


  16. bob, on September 10th, 2009 at 10:55 am Said:

    So the goal here is the meet THE MOST SHALLOW MAN ALIVE??

    any guy worth anything won’t care about how professionaly cleaned your apartment is or any of that shit.


  17. Cuhsandra, on September 10th, 2009 at 4:32 pm Said:

    Adriano, A.K.A. Lol, A.K.A. black male, A.K.A. New york noobie,
    I suggest you change your name to professional hater Extraordinaire . You blog and comments are boring and dull, sorry to break it to you but the internet already has it’s hater in Perez Hilton. Go find a new schtick


  18. LOL, on September 10th, 2009 at 8:20 pm Said:

    how am i a hater? its common sense?

    you break up with someone and get ur shit together for ‘the single life’ but why not always have ur shit together and always look hot for your boyfriend?

    seems pretty bloody simple to me.


  19. Cuhsandra, on September 11th, 2009 at 11:20 am Said:

    I didn’t realize you knew Alexi on a personal basis, or any other ladies who recently went from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’, and saw them go from disheveled to ‘together’. Woops, my bad. You are SOOOOOO Right!!!


  20. LOL, on September 11th, 2009 at 10:59 pm Said:

    wow you’re an idiot


  21. Desi, on September 12th, 2009 at 12:09 pm Said:

    i fucking wish i had your eyes.


  22. Cuhsandra, on September 12th, 2009 at 4:53 pm Said:

    That’s funny black male I think the same of you.


  23. ap, on September 14th, 2009 at 4:07 pm Said:

    http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTI4MzMxNDg5M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNzIxNjQ3._V1._SX342_SY400_.jpg


  24. Lauren, on October 1st, 2009 at 7:18 am Said:

    I listen to rap when I’m dealing with a breakup, too. Turn it up loud enough and Lil Wayne will do the wonderful favor of drowning out your thoughts!


  25. Zefie, on October 14th, 2009 at 9:58 pm Said:

    Haha
    Those moves are pretty gangsta
    :]


  26. What Haveyou, on October 31st, 2009 at 10:09 pm Said:

    you + are = you’re


  27. Jessica, on December 25th, 2009 at 1:06 am Said:

    Alexi! Don’t spray your cleavage. If a guy’s tongue ends up there he can totally taste it and he might gag. It wont be cute.


  28. Elliott, on April 28th, 2010 at 5:53 pm Said:

    Alexi! I’ll pretend you’re a lollypop………….

    BTW, over seven inches.


  29. Ollie Frenkel, on June 17th, 2010 at 1:03 pm Said:

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  30. Maranda Painton, on September 4th, 2010 at 4:35 pm Said:

    Oprah for president!! First woman president :)


  31. Beatriz Cozby, on November 26th, 2010 at 7:12 pm Said:

    I was just searching for this and what do you know it came up in my feader just then Cheers


  32. ruey, on June 12th, 2011 at 11:04 am Said:

    hi there, m fucked too and turning 43 but from a far away land. care to visit? let me know.


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