BLOG » holy shit, i’m fucked/the face of a single woman!

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Holy shit! I’m fucked! Why didn’t anyone tell me being single was a fucking war game, 24/7 battle alert! or did i just forget?! I already hadn’t had sex for about 2 weeks before my breakup! Now it’s been about 3 weeks or MORE!

Boys are calling, but not only am I NOT ready emotionally to get slutty/i mean sexy/i mean intimate with someone- I’m totally not ready physically! I should really tone up my legs, shed 10 pounds, wax my vadge appropriately, and make sure my apartment is tidy at all times- swiffered and all. that means scrub tub, make sure there’s no hair in hairbrush- while it’s on display, and turn dream boards around – so some new/random dude i invite into my home doesn’t learn that one of my life goals is to become the white oprah, etc! PLUS: no picking at ingrown hairs on my bikini line!!! but I think I did that to make sure i wouldn’t get in a situation where I would allow myself to take my undies off. I don’t have herpes (YET) and I wouldn’t want people to think I do – all because they spot a blemish that I created, while playing doctor/hair removal specialist on myself!

-more single life reminders-

•Go to gym/start running- FAST

•Get a bathroom trash can that hides your yucky trash, not one that just sits there revealing weird stuff that, even if it’s not weird, could be misinterpreted. for example: if you blot your lipstick on a tissue, and throw it in the garbage, a guy could glance over and think the tissue is a bloody rag! think ladies, think! this is war! i mean, love! i mean, i don’t know what it is, but it’s time to start thinking!

•Get new car.

•Get new date outfits.

•Get maid to clean your house PROPERLY.

•ALWAYS wear a cute bra and undies!

•Buy condoms in all different shapes and sizes- cuz you never know when you’re gonna meet a guy with the biggest privates you’ve ever seen! and you can’t rely on a dude having condoms! so annoying! be prepared! cuz we girls love sex too! riiiight!

PS: if you’re ever forced to get ready at 1am to meet some dude at his hotel, and you look like shit- here’s a ‘how to’ guide for getting ready in a flash! xo

stupid gets ready: from alexi wasser on Vimeo.


34 Responses to “holy shit, i’m fucked/the face of a single woman!”

  1. Alexi your so cute n funny hun’


  2. Hi alexi
    I’m sorry for your situation anyway if you buy a car buy a hibrid…it would make L.A air a little bit cleaner!

    kiss


  3. Love the look today. Very Benny & Joon


  4. Hahahahaha. nice moves, ma’am.


  5. hahaha. you’re such a star.
    ..but those are truly gangsta moves.


  6. Love it. Now I will always be ready!


  7. if i ever tried to put that much black shit on my eyes i’d look like courtney love. YOU looked better without it too sistah.

    single is cool after a few months. trust me.


  8. Wheres some love for the guys who read your blog?


  9. hahah oh you’re hilarious. i love it. your eye make up makes you look like grown up Coraline. !!


  10. No offense

    But why didnt you do this WHEN YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND.

    All you’re doing is telling guys its better to fuck around than get into a relationship.

    Wheres the benefit?

    Whats the point, when i can still get sex with girls who would actually make the effort to and not let herself go.
    y’all broads are missing the memo and fuckin the whole game up for urselves

    LOL


  11. aah! alexi! cute and funny but i need real makeup help!!


  12. Missy your too cute haha, where were you in my life last year!!!! Gosh! Your blog would’ve helped me!!! About a year ago I got out of a serious relationship of 3 years and it sucked so much beyond and I wasn’t ready for the world! :) you’ll be fine girly! btw RAP music really does get you through a break up LOL no lie its all about the money and bitches :D!

    <3,
    Stephyy


  13. is it just the eyeliner or are your eyes really that huge?


  14. your so hilarious!


  15. you don’t need all that black shit in your eyes, that’s gross.


  16. So the goal here is the meet THE MOST SHALLOW MAN ALIVE??

    any guy worth anything won’t care about how professionaly cleaned your apartment is or any of that shit.


  17. Adriano, A.K.A. Lol, A.K.A. black male, A.K.A. New york noobie,
    I suggest you change your name to professional hater Extraordinaire . You blog and comments are boring and dull, sorry to break it to you but the internet already has it’s hater in Perez Hilton. Go find a new schtick


  18. how am i a hater? its common sense?

    you break up with someone and get ur shit together for ‘the single life’ but why not always have ur shit together and always look hot for your boyfriend?

    seems pretty bloody simple to me.


  19. I didn’t realize you knew Alexi on a personal basis, or any other ladies who recently went from ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’, and saw them go from disheveled to ‘together’. Woops, my bad. You are SOOOOOO Right!!!


  20. wow you’re an idiot


  21. i fucking wish i had your eyes.


  22. That’s funny black male I think the same of you.


  23. http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTI4MzMxNDg5M15BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNzIxNjQ3._V1._SX342_SY400_.jpg


  24. I listen to rap when I’m dealing with a breakup, too. Turn it up loud enough and Lil Wayne will do the wonderful favor of drowning out your thoughts!


  25. Haha
    Those moves are pretty gangsta
    :]


  26. you + are = you’re


  27. Alexi! Don’t spray your cleavage. If a guy’s tongue ends up there he can totally taste it and he might gag. It wont be cute.


  28. Alexi! I’ll pretend you’re a lollypop………….

    BTW, over seven inches.


  29. Very nicely said.I discovered your post from Yahoo and enjoyed reading it. Have you been writing for long?Just the other day I recently set up a blog myself and its been a enjoyable process. I??ve met some new people since then but it is tough sometimes! Anyway, many thanks for your post! car dealers used cars


  30. Oprah for president!! First woman president :)


  31. I was just searching for this and what do you know it came up in my feader just then Cheers


  32. hi there, m fucked too and turning 43 but from a far away land. care to visit? let me know.


  33. I am a guy and I have to say, love is a battlefield.

    It seems there’s not enough women in this world for every guy when the reality is, there’s less guys trying nowadays and women have always been shy, So what happens is, one guy ends up having a lot of women, and the over 50 percent of other guys can’t find one, not even to be friends with! That’s all I want and I can’t find it online that’s for sure, and I’m one of those guys that will hardly ever try in real life because I am a reserved person for the most part and I find most women, listening to them talk, as shallow and uneducated. Sorry for analyzing but it would be annoying for me to have a friend girl or guy that is not really that intelligent overall and is quite shallow.


  34. Hi, I am a guy and I have to say, love is a battlefield.

    It seems there’s not enough women in this world for every guy when the reality is, there’s less guys trying nowadays and women have always been shy, So what happens is, one guy ends up having a lot of women, and the over 50 percent of other guys can’t find one, not even to be friends with! That’s all I want and I can’t find it online that’s for sure, and I’m one of those guys that will hardly ever try in real life because I am a reserved person for the most part and I find most women, listening to them talk, as shallow and uneducated. Sorry for analyzing but it would be annoying for me to have a friend girl or guy that is not really that intelligent overall and is quite shallow.


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