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one of the worst things when you give your body to someone, is when they are looking right at you- and you know they can’t see you. you want to be touched, you think you’ll be special to them, you like kissing, and hugging, and licking, and fucking too- but you’re with someone who is only there with their body and has no capability of ever loving you, being genuinely interested in you, caring about you, or thinking about you when he’s alone. except when they get drunk or lonely enough to text you and put their attention on you. the tricky thing is: woman like sex too. and we are able to separate it from being emotional too. at least i think we can.

even though I’m not looking for anything serious now, I still like thinking that if I have a romantic rendezvous with a guy- there’s a chance he might fall in love with me. Even if I’m not that into him. even if I’m seeing more than one person.  That must be my ego. A close guy friend of mine told me that’s the equivalent of a guy wanting a girl to be faithful to him, even if he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend.

After a breakup, when you end up in bed fooling around with a guy who will clearly never and is incapable of loving you- and merely a warm body-  the sting of how different the experience is compared to how it was with your ex who loved you, is very strong. it’s a jolt. but not everyone is gonna love you. just like you don’t love everyone. that is an ego trip. and it’s ok to have chemistry and sexy redezvous’ until you meet the next magical dude.

so, you have to make decisions: are you OK with this? can you avoid crying the next day because you feel empty and alone and used (even though you put yourself in the sexxxy situation and had fun and got off -cuz remember -girls like sexxx too)? can you be logical? can you avoid building a 10 pound layer of fat to protect you after having shared your body with an empty vessel/random dude? if you can, that’s great. I thought I could. I don’t know if I can. I’m still finding out. i bet I’ll even be the empty, cold one sometimes too- the role could change from rendezvous to rendezvous, tawdry affair to tawdry affair. although, I’m sure a loving, upbeat, non empty feeling sexual agreement/arrangement/experience/exchange is possible too. so many choices and different ways to look at things. crazers! (TO BE CONTINUED)


34 Responses to “the things we do to keep from being alone:”

  1. Ha, so true. Probably why it takes really bad rebound sex to remind us what we’re really looking for,


  2. i love this one!


  3. What you’ve said is so very true. Everything that you mentioned is true whether or not you are a guy or a girl. Myself, I am out of a serious relationship and have had to make those decisions as well. “Am I okay with this?”


  4. I was okay with until recently.
    I totally going through a progress of “revirginizing”
    I’ve had aloooot of guys after my ex but now i’m just waiting for the right guy to get along.
    And trust me, it’s not easy, cuz I like sex too!


  5. i want them all to fall in love with me. no wait, i want to be challenged by everyone emotionally so i can grow stronger. no wait, i want to have sex that’s good and emotionless with no strings attached whatsoever. no no no, fuck that too.

    i hate being a girl sometimes =(


  6. How about you try keeping your panties on for just once?


  7. how is it you write exactly what i’m feeling? you are the greatest alexi


  8. If girls know that there going to feel empty and used and alone after a one night stand or hooking up after braking up with a boy friend or need night of fun to feel like shit to remember what they want then why do why put yourself in something like that if you want sex be sluty its 2009 about to be 2010 being a whore for guys and girls is normal
    i just dont see why it is so hard to know what you want
    its all simple but yet everyone seems to make it harder i think every wants it that way so they have something to talk and think about and gossip its all getting old why does it matter if you fuck different guys the good guy that loves you isnt good enough for sex you want to be open and have trust guys and girl but no one is willing to talk about anything half the time and its pointless to cry or be sad when you knew what road you were going down


  9. You reeeeaaallllly need to get over your obsession with fat. It’s not a good look on you.


  10. I do have to wonder if this site and its contents reflect more of an “alter ego” or social experiment of some kind than the actual truth of your world.

    Could you be a female “Wizard of Oz”? Are you, in reality, a chick who’s only ever been with, like, three or four guys? Who is actually pure of heart and mind? Maybe even shy? Old fashioned? And who releases her dragons here on this blog only as a sounding board and/or therapeutic passage?

    One wonders.

    I mean, you are, in fact, an actor.

    Right?


  11. Very True… I don’t think that there is ever a time where i don’t wonder if this guy is going to fall in love with me…


  12. You got me. Busted. How did u know? Xo


  13. i think it’s a matter of not getting yourself into the situation in the first place, but if and when you do…you have to force yourself to get over it cause there’s no use being depressed about it…take on the same view as him..i love you!


  14. this makes me want to cry because i have felt that exact way before several times. and i did cry the next day because i was all alone…


  15. ughhhh alexi,
    going through the exact same complex at this moment…


  16. being a woman is a difficult job


  17. Busted? Maybe.

    But I do wonder, since you don’t seem nearly as “weathered” as your online persona would indicate.


  18. hahahaha this is soooo real & honest! We’ve alllll had to go through this. I personally wouldn’t slut around after breaking up with a guy but I was in that situation your good guy friend mentioned, ‘guy who wants you to be faithfull to him w/o wanting you as a girlfriend’… The guy would call me up and I knew what that meant, watch TV, joke around, and then some hanky panky. Before I would even go over there I would say to myself, ‘it’s okay, even though I know this won’t lead to something serious, I still want it, I still really like him, and I know he likes me he just doesn’t want me in that way (now at least)’… Then afterward I would feel retched like, ‘I can’t stand it when people lie to me, and I just lied to myself, GOD!’.

    Even though that was a harsh cycle to go through it definatley toughened me up. And me and that guy are actually great friends now. I learned to NEVER rely on guys emotionally, and if anything, it taught me how to be more independant bitchin gal. I am woman, hear me roar.


  19. name unknown….who are you?


  20. Just someone who’s wondering how much of this blog is yet another character in an actor’s repertoire, and how much is authentic.

    In other words, it don’t matter.


  21. you’re right, Name Unknown, it doesn’t matter…..because even if this is just a character/online persona, it still resonates with a lot of people, and in the end that’s what matters. boycrazy may not be the girl we imagine her to be, but seeing the experience of being a girl reflected in writing this way is still helpful to some extent, and definitely necessary.


  22. jesus, alexi.
    it’s like you spoke right to me. mostly i read your blog for laughs and jokes, but this was the first post that pulled my heartstrings a little! thank you!
    totally serious. it’s nice to know i’m not alone. and now that you say it, i’m realizing the boy who sees me as his warm body- will never look at me the way i look at him. and much as it sucks to think about, i think i’m really ok with that. as long as i fall back in love eventually.
    i think that’s all that matters! we’re lonely people and sometimes a temporary warm body is all we need to feel like we can get back into the swing of things.
    love you from afar,
    lee


  23. That you would be with anyone who wouldn’t fall in love with you on sight boggles my wee little mind.
    The depression that comes upon realization that if you feel this way as fantastic and gorgeous as you hopefully know you are, sadly trolls such as me are truly fucked.
    Don’t fret anyone who cannot see what I can well they are fucked in the head beyond help even.


  24. thank you! i’m sure you’re not troll like at all! are you a boy or a girl?


  25. girl,you’re really brave and honest about this girl ! And I salute you for that :) You’re my hero girl,I’m serious no kidding :)

    I’ve never felt this way or had it happened to me before. But I do know the feeling of being alone.

    But keep smiling and I love you !


  26. Alexi – Thank You for the reply
    I’m a boy, complete with horrible insecurity. I’m a walking cliché it seems.
    I have been a long time reader/admirer of you and your blog but felt compelled to post when I read the current blog entry.
    I had to say these things because you are absolutely incredible in more ways than my meager words can express.
    Well I just couldn’t abide a world where someone like you even questioning her worth even if for just a moment.
    I’m quite troll-esque but thanks for saying otherwise, sight unseen notwithstanding.


  27. I’ve learned something, I wrote a comment earlier this week..
    That waiting is okay even if it driving me insane and I get very horny..

    I totally changed my attitude.
    stopped smoking.
    cleaned my bedroom and boxed everything that my ex ever gave me or reminded me of him.
    organized my paper-work and assingments for my study.
    moustirize every day.
    And not doing my homework at last minute.
    Now i’m thinking about cutting my long blond hair
    and buying a gift for my sweet mother and helping her out around the house.
    i’ve been planning on moving out into an apartment with a girlfriend..

    So life is okay for now.. still hard with him in mind.
    I’m going out tonight, celebrating the birthday of a great gay friend of mine.
    except that the ex is also going out tonight and I haven seen him in a while and I don’t know what kind of reaction I would have..
    Hoping for the best.


  28. wow feel shitty that my response was deleted….but…blog characters…they dont tend to like me.


  29. Hmmm. That’s weird. The only person who’s able to delete comments is me… And I didn’t delete SHIT! What did you write? I must know! Xo


  30. don’t you think that picture is a tad weird and dehumanize-ing? she looks dead and stiff.


  31. So cute the way you try to think like men. But sometimes men also want to have more than that warm body close to us. Damn I wish I was handosme enough for you to look at me!! LOL


  32. nine shallow, one deep. figure it out dudes. haha killer haha


  33. it only hurts the first 12 times or so, honest!!


  34. I’ve only been single for a month after a year and a half relationship, and the thought of sleeping with someone else still scares the crap out of me, so i totally empathize with this post. Even though I know my ex is out fucking other chicks, including ones I know (seen enough photographic proof to scar me for life…stupid fb tagging/livefeed)i’m still scared to put myself out there.
    But still, I want the distraction of having someone out there who sees me as desirable. My standards are so high though, I know this will take a long time. The only guy really interested in me at the moment is physically not my thing. But am I lonely enough to take the sexual plunge with him just because?

    Life is tough :S


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