BLOG » the things we do to keep from being alone:
one of the worst things when you give your body to someone, is when they are looking right at you- and you know they can’t see you. you want to be touched, you think you’ll be special to them, you like kissing, and hugging, and licking, and fucking too- but you’re with someone who is only there with their body and has no capability of ever loving you, being genuinely interested in you, caring about you, or thinking about you when he’s alone. except when they get drunk or lonely enough to text you and put their attention on you. the tricky thing is: woman like sex too. and we are able to separate it from being emotional too. at least i think we can.
even though I’m not looking for anything serious now, I still like thinking that if I have a romantic rendezvous with a guy- there’s a chance he might fall in love with me. Even if I’m not that into him. even if I’m seeing more than one person. That must be my ego. A close guy friend of mine told me that’s the equivalent of a guy wanting a girl to be faithful to him, even if he doesn’t want to be her boyfriend.
After a breakup, when you end up in bed fooling around with a guy who will clearly never and is incapable of loving you- and merely a warm body- the sting of how different the experience is compared to how it was with your ex who loved you, is very strong. it’s a jolt. but not everyone is gonna love you. just like you don’t love everyone. that is an ego trip. and it’s ok to have chemistry and sexy redezvous’ until you meet the next magical dude.
so, you have to make decisions: are you OK with this? can you avoid crying the next day because you feel empty and alone and used (even though you put yourself in the sexxxy situation and had fun and got off -cuz remember -girls like sexxx too)? can you be logical? can you avoid building a 10 pound layer of fat to protect you after having shared your body with an empty vessel/random dude? if you can, that’s great. I thought I could. I don’t know if I can. I’m still finding out. i bet I’ll even be the empty, cold one sometimes too- the role could change from rendezvous to rendezvous, tawdry affair to tawdry affair. although, I’m sure a loving, upbeat, non empty feeling sexual agreement/arrangement/experience/exchange is possible too. so many choices and different ways to look at things. crazers! (TO BE CONTINUED)