BLOG » tuesday is a NEW day- bitch ass muthah-fuckahs!

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it’s a new day! (yayzers, crazers, amazers!) and it doesn’t have to look as bleak as yesterday. YESTERDAY, i said my tearful goodbye to my now ex- and NOW i have to keep as busy as possible;  so i don’t slow down enough to even have a chance to regret breaking up, miss him, or feel the loss in general. it’s funny though, nothing has really changed, we’re both in the same town- but just knowing that the ties are cut makes me feel a little unsettled/uneasy. like i don’t have a place. like there’s no one to tell about my day, no one to protect me, or hold me. but allow me to slap myself in the fucking face and snap the fuck out of it! let’s get positive! (as i pause and stare at the computer screen with nothing in me to write). jk, jk!

here’s a breakup guide to remind us of what to do when we’re starting over and mourning the death of something:

GET YOUR NAILS DONE SOME WACKY KUH-RAZY COLOR YOU NEVER EVEN CONSIDERED! HOLLAH! MUTHAH FUCKAH!

TYPE IN ALL CAPS LIKE YOU DON’T GIVE A FIZZ-UCK!

WRITE THE BOOK YOU SAY YOU WANNA WRITE/ WRITE THAT SCRIPT (AND NOT AT A COFFEE SHOP, YOU ‘NEW TO HOLLYWOOD’ LAME-HEAD!) YOU KEEP TALKING ABOUT!

LOOK GOOD EVERYDAY! (YOU NEVER KNOW IF AND WHEN THE EX WILL DROP BY. OR WHO ELSE YOU COULD RUN INTO!)

ONLY WEAR WATERPROOF MASCARA- YOU BIG CRY BABY!

KEEP A GAME FACE! AND MY ‘GAME’ I DON’T MEAN UGLY! KEEP IT CALM, COOL, COLLECTED!

FLIRT!

STOP TELLING EVERYONE YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND ON SATURDAY, I MEAN, WHENEVER!

DO NOT BINGE EAT!

DON’T GET BITTER, GET BETTER!

TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIENDS! REMEMBER THEM? THEY’RE THE ONES YOU’VE BEEN PUSHING TO THE WAYSIDE WHILE YOU WERE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP! DON’T WORRY, I’M SURE THEY’LL BE HAPPY TO CONSOLE YOU- ESPECIALLY IF THEY’RE A TRUE FRIEND, WHO’S GONE THROUGH IT TOO!

KEEP SHAVING YOUR LEGS! THIS ISN’T THE TIME TO BECOME A DIRTY HIPPY!

STAY POSITIVE! I ALREADY SAID THAT!

GO TO THE GYM AND RUN AT LEAST 3 MILES- EVERYDAY!

WHEN RUNNING, WEAR 3 SPORTS BRAS! DON’T LET THOSE TITS SAG GIRLIES! YOU’RE SINGLE NOW- WE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES!

WAX THAT VADGE! NOT FULLY, FALL IS UPON US. JUST KEEP IT TIDY. HOW ABOUT: RETRO ON TOP. A NEAT AND KEMPT TRIANGLE. (NO LANDING STRIP BULLSHIT!)- AND SLICK LIKE A BABY ON THE BOTTOM! YOU’RE WELCOME!

GO TO THE OLYMPIC SPA, OR ANY SPA WHERE YOU CAN STEAM AND SAUNA!

WEAR FACIAL MASKS! (NOT OUT IN PUBLIC, YOU’RE NOT A MIME!)

TAKE YOURSELF OUT TO DINNER IN LAUREL CANYON!

GO TO THE CANYON COUNTRY STORE, GET A LATTE, AND SIT OUTSIDE!

BURN SAGE- IN YOUR HOME AND IN YOUR CAR!

WATCH REALLY BAD/GREAT TV! I LOVE: THE RACHEL ZOE PROJECT, CONAN O’BRIEN, FLIPPING OUT, TALK SOUP, PROJECT RUNWAY, OLD SCHOOL BH 90210, AND REAL HOUSEWIVES…OF ANYWHERE!

DON’T GET DRUNK! THE ALCOHAL WILL BLOAT YOU AND IS A DEPRESSANT! WE’RE TRYING TO MOVE FORWARD HERE, REMEMBER?!

SINCE YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED IN ANYONE, CUZ YOU JUST GOT OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP, USE YOUR ALOOF NATURE TO REEL IN THE BABES- TAKE THEIR NUMBER; AND WHEN YOU’RE READY, YOU’LL CALL.

GO ON HIKES.

BUY CONDOMS! AND DON’T BE AFRAID TO TELL THE FIRST NEW GUY YOU SLEEP WITH THAT HE NEEDS TO GET TESTED BEFORE YOU DO IT. IT’S THE TIMES WE LIVE IN. IT JUST IS! YOU HAVE TO DO IT TOO THOUGH, AND THEN YOU TWO CAN SWAP RESULTS! 2009=SEXXXXXY TIMES! RIIIIIGHT?! WHEEEEEE!

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT IN A DUDE!

FIGURE OUT WHAT PROBLEMS YOU HAVE THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON!

TAKE BUBBLE/EPSOM SALT BATHS!

FOCUS ON WORK!

REMEMBER, YOU WANTED TO BREAK UP! TRUST THAT THIS DECISION IS FOR THE BEST.

HAVE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS IT WILL BRING.

MAKE YOUR HOUSE NICE! OH NO, IKEA COULD DRUDGE UP SAD EX BF MEMORIES! WALK THROUGH IT MY SISTER! BE BRAVE BITCH!

PAY YOUR RENT!

INVITE YOUR FRIENDS AND INTERNS OVER!

MEET NEW PEOPLE!

JUMP ON THE BACK OF A CUTE GUYS VESPA!

DON’T DO DRUGS! NO REALLY, DON’T.

STAY FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX! WISH HIM WELL, AND THINK GOOD THOUGHTS! JUST BECAUSE IT DIDN’T WORK OUT, DOESN’T MEAN YOU HAVE TO HATE EACHOTHER!

WATCH: SEX AND THE CITY (EPISODES & OR THE MOVIE)/MOONSTRUCK/VALLEY GIRL/DAZED AND CONFUSED.

GO HORSEBACK RDING!

TAKE YOUR VITAMINS!

DON’T SMOKE. THAT’S PROBABLY WHY HE DUMPED YOU!

MASTURBATE TOO MUCH! FANTASIZE ABOUT YOUR CAREER TAKING OFF, YOU’RE DREAMS COMING TRUE, OR JUST YOUR DREAM DUDE IN GENERAL!

START USING THE WORD ‘HUNK’. EXAMPLE: ‘THAT GUY’S A HUNK!’ GOING TOO FAR WOULD BE: ‘THAT HUNK’S A HUNK!’ EDIT YOURSELF.

DON’T EDIT YOURSELF. UNLESS YOU’RE SUPER BORING, AND LIKE TO TALK A LOT. THEN SOME INTERNAL EDITING MIGHT BE HELPFUL IN MAKING YOU MORE LIKABLE.

READ IMBOYCRAZY.COM – THAT BITCH IS FUCKED UP!

i love you! xoxo

http://dl.getdropbox.com/u/55841/02%20Boy%20Crazy.mp3


19 Responses to “tuesday is a NEW day- bitch ass muthah-fuckahs!”

  1. perfect timing, i was forgetting to do some of the items on this list. thanks alexi!!! ; )


  2. Love this.

    & What are some good face masks?
    I am getting bored w/ the one I’m currently using.


  3. I highly recommend making out with a few random, hot guys that you have no intention of dating within the first week of being broken up.
    It makes you feel SO empowered.

    Here’s my thoughts on how to spread out the grief and turn it into awesomeness.
    http://notesfromthebedroom.blogspot.com/2009/06/my-rules-for-dating-part-1.html

    I love your blog. My sisters and I read it religiously. I live in silverlake too… and sometimes Portland.

    Have you ever been boy “scouting” in Portland? It’s like a magical fairy land filled with adorable hip boys in skinny jeans, mustaches and floppy hair. Mmmmmm.


  4. MASTURBATE TOO MUCH! FANTASIZE ABOUT YOUR CAREER TAKING OFF, YOU’RE DREAMS COMING TRUE, OR JUST YOUR DREAM DUDE IN GENERAL!

    you’re genius. i love you, alexi.


  5. umm, I’me pretty sure I have a girl crush on you. like seriously, I wanna grow up to be you. and that little jingle is adorable.


  6. chin up lady, there are sooooooo many other babes in the sea that are just waiting to fuck the shit out of you!!


  7. I love you! Your blogs are always so motivational.


  8. I’m going to put this on my mirror, daily-affirmation style.
    You’re the best. How could anyone ever dump you?!


  9. The breakup guide is so useful girl !! haha

    Big yes to shaving legs and getting that forest down below neat and clean 🙂 heee


  10. I adore your blog, so funny! I hate break-ups also. My guy friend just broke up with his long-term girlfriend and he walks around acting like his heart’s been ripped out of his chest. So pathetic.

    xoxo
    http://azninneverland.blogspot.com


  11. so motivational! this blog is too cool.


  12. you’re always so inspirational, im going to run FIVE miles tomarrow instead of my usual 2, along with a lot of the other ideas too of course


  13. You’re a-fricking-mazing. Stay strong and YES stay busy. Write down lots of those awesome achievable goals so you can get double pleasure – from actually doing them, and then from ticking them off all smug. (If you are that kind of person.)

    I only started reading your blog a month ago and delved into the archives lately, it is AMPING me up about life and bringing the A-Game 24/7 and I am totally using that sending-over-the-chocolate-cake trick sometime. So thanks! Stay rad. xoxo


  14. Didn’t like the part about watching sex in the city. that shit is so coffee shop.


  15. love love love this


  16. […] advice of the shouted variety.  Good stuff for everyone to […]


  17. hunni you are hilarious! i’m sorry about your breakup… those are never any fun. but i just want to say that it is OK to feel the pain of the loss of the relationship. in fact it is essential to FEEL what is happening in your life. i agree, not falling in a dismal pit of despair for too long. but let’s face it, a break up is a loss and it does hurt and that is normal and healthy to allow yourself to feel it and be there for yourself, you have to be your own best friend for now. the positive part of it is that the shitty feeling does go away, everything is constantly changing and it will end. and you will be in love again and it will be better than the last because you allowed yourself the time/space to learn from it…why it wasn’t right…and how to do it better next time. hang in there! have some chocolate <3


  18. you are off the hook my lady, this blog seriously gave me the strength to break up with my crazy ass boyfriend. and is also helping me cope. god bless you!!!!!!!!!! keep this shit up!


  19. Perfect timing babe, this list is amazing – two of the girls in our “Lickee” team have just gone through this crazy flipout of what you call love and breakups…
    and so with your inspiration we posted you on our blog check it out when you get a minute 😉
    x
    Lickee


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