BLOG » alone at a party:


one of the most horrible things about getting out of a relationship is being at a party and not having your eye on anyone as a potential make-out or sexy rendezvous. it is in that moment you realize ‘i am truly alone’. sure, you can rationalize it in different ways like ‘you’re never really alone when you have your friends around’ or ‘you’re not alone if you’re in close proximity to other human beings who are making direct eye contact and speaking with you’. or, ‘like hey, what if i was at this party alone cuz my bf was out of town or something?’ well, he’s not. you’re single! who knows where your bf is? cuz you don’t have one and your ex is probably fucking a 17 year old boy, i mean girl, somewhere.

you are alone in the sense that- you have no one who is one phone call away- willing/able/actually excited/maybe even generally interested in listening to all your boring, i mean personal, stories/woes/rants/daily sagas. you have no one to check in with. your mom and bff don’t count. i mean they do, but that’s not what i’m talking about.

tonight i went to a party and i was excited. that’s the great thing about being single- you never know what’s gonna happen or who you’re gonna meet. (that’s ACTUALLY the great thing about life in general. you just ‘never know’- good OR bad!) but you also have to prepare for it to be a bust too! and tonight, romantically speaking- it was. BUT i met great women and was comfortable in my skin and all that. i had a nice time. i did. for the first time, i didn’t make the night a winning situation ONLY if i put my attention on some cute guy and conquered him for the evening. whether conquering means making out/sexxing/gaining approval via attention/ or whatevs! no guy there ‘did it’ for me, and that was actually ok.

i still haven’t had sex since my break up. when was that again? about a month and a half ago? i hadn’t had sex two weeks prior to the break up either! shit, so it’s been like two months!? holy shit! i’m dying over here! i am a living, breathing example of how women need/want/crave sex too! I’m not saying I’ve been an angel. I’ve totally done everything but have sexxx- but being finger blasted and oral sexxx is just not the same.

I’ve changed since the ‘me’ before my last relationship. i don’t want to get naked with some random dude. (ok, maybe a few) I’m a girl who’s not super ugly. I’m not gonna lie- I’ve had opportunities. it could have already happened- but i feel like I’m a virgin all over again and I’m waiting for the PERFECT person to take my new-found virginity. i also REALLY don’t want to get herpes aids cancer aids.

more and more i need the guy i have sex with or even fool around with to be someone i can talk to; i have to actually give a fuck what he has to say; i need him to be/seem GENUINLY interested in me; and who is someone i can be/feel safe with. even if he isn’t the one- i need someone to know/think I’m special. someone who gets me- before he can be inside me. what’s that saying? a friend with benefits? (ugh. i can’t believe i just typed that.) and i’m learning that THAT is rare to find. so, until then, i will keep busy with work, spend time with my friends, and touch my privates all on my own. and at least when i finger blast myself, i’ll have the courtesy to wash my hands first!

36 Responses to “alone at a party:”

  1. alexi, you put words to my thoughts perfectly. you are amazing! I LOVE YOU TOO!

  2. this is exactly how i feel at times. as the lady above wrote “you put words to my thoughts perfectly”.

  3. Really, kid. I admire the media blitz, but, man, writing really isn’t your calling. This shit reads like a letter to Sassy Mag written by a 12 year old Kansan.

    You’re killing us, stick to the pictures.

  4. Just saying-

    She obviously has quite a following and a lot of girls can relate to her writing. Do us all a favor and stop reading her blog. I don’t understand why you’re taking the time to leave a mean spirited comment.


    I love you and I especially love this post. I always look forward to “the blind leading the blind” and any other post that contains your writing. Your rock!

  5. First time reading your blog! “Finger blasting”…love it, that’s enough for me to keep coming back. I think I may have to steal that term, but don’t worry, I’ll footnote you 😉 (PS. Am I the only person who wasn’t previously aware of this term??)

  6. I just found this site from the latest Nylon issue and I love it!

    “someone who gets me- before he can be inside me” – LOVES it! Looking for the same damn thing.


    good job…great write up!

  8. Strange, I find it much more difficult to find decent women to hang out with than men. At least the men in LA are too stupid or shallow to bother trying to fuck your boyfriend or gossip behind your back. Finding a good boyfriend is WAY easier than finding one decent female friend with interesting things to talk about and no plans to swipe your shoes when you’re out of town. Much less a girl who could muster up the ability to use silverware and napkins properly if invited to dinner with the parents. Fuck I sound old and crotchety but for real being “hip” doesn’t necessarily have to be synonymous with being a pile of garbage.

  9. this is pretty much exactly what i’ve been thinking and how i’ve been feeling lately. i’m glad to know that i’m not alone in that!

  10. Jays Underwear will never break up with Jay! I have been stock to his shitty ass for years! You ain’t getting rid of me Jay Reatard! We are boyz!!

  11. Yeah that’s right Jays Underwear cant spell!! I merely shield Jays white ass from his jeans and possibly cushion it from long rides on dirty Greyhoud buses!

  12. well said! meanwhile, buy a vibrator.

  13. So perfectly written. heeeee I love love the fingerblast word. Never thought of it that way.

    But I’m happy that you’re happy now. Enjoying time with your friends and being comfortable in your skin!!
    And 2 months without sex ?? Woooooo,that must be like. I don’t know.
    Yes yes,girls has their needs too like guys. hahaha

    All in all,I love you and keep doing what you love and this !

  14. love the last sentence.

  15. bummer babe, I relate. It might suck for a while, who knows?

  16. oh my god it’s like you can read my mind

  17. reading “” teaches you many things
    for example, until i read this post, i’d never heard the term “finger-blasted” before

    knowing really IS half the battle! 😉

  18. To all the girls in this situation…I. Will. Fuck. You.

  19. Yay, I just read this in my new Nylon, super fab.

  20. “courtesy to wash your hand first” awesomeness.

  21. I haven’t had to take my pantz off since the end of August. For anything! I could cry. But I think the boys here are lacking, maybe I should head to el lay..

  22. If you keep waiting until you meet someone that just seems excellent, well the more likely you are to end up giving it up to someone who has similarly impressed lots of other girls. So by holding out for someone sufficiently good, you’re actually perhaps increasing your chance of getting herpes. Also, who goes and washes their hands before they finger someone?

  23. I actually have found it really easy to have “friends with benefits”. Let’s see, guys who enjoy your company, wanna fuck you, but don’t want to commit.
    That sounds like a dime a dozen to me! I have a few on the side that I keep around to distract me when I don’t have a man in my life that I plan to be devoted to. That way I don’t give my heart to a dude just because I get lonely.

    To me, the friends with benefits thing is the way to go… until someone comes along that is really super special.

    But I totally agree about needing someone to “get” you before they get inside you. That’s the “friends” before adding the “benefits”.

    You can fuck people without commitment without the risk of herpes aids cancer aids… Safe sex is important whether you care about the person or not.

  24. I can relate to everything said in that post and in your blog in general. I see a lot of myself in the things you say its weird! I also write, i have a little column in a newspaper. I would love to blog but just dont exactly know how to get started with it. Any advice??! I would love to chat with you, one young writer to another.


  25. alexi please go out w/ me. i’ll buy your fav foods. =)

  26. could not agree more with your last paragraph!
    what’s your take on guys jerking off while you’re hooking up but you don’t feel like giving them an hj(cas get serious, this isn’t 8th grade anymore) and you don’t really want to give him brains either..and you dont feel comfortable having sex just yet? do you manage to go from someone who youre hooking up with/ it’s only a booty call to something genuine?

  27. fingerblasting – that’s ingenious!

  28. This is a great post. I’m a guy who actually got dumped via text message (yeah, i guess that actually happens? who knew) after a 6 month relationship. I know the feeling you’re talking about and I couldn’t agree with you more. Every single party or event that I have been to, from Long Island to the upper west side, has been exactly that feeling. I can relate to it all, except of course, a conquest of guys rather than girls, and finger blasting myself. very nice.

  29. life is about getting up onto that big mountaintop in the sky and setting up camp forever. i love this post like i love what i dont know what/who is around the corner. this post seems to be an acknowledgment of understanding this and not worrying about it….

  30. for the first time, and I come to this blog a lot, i agree with something that you alexi said. The last part kinda makes sence. You actualy are getting better. keep on

  31. You read my mind!!! I LOVE your blog.

  32. There is a community of the spirit.
    Join it, and feel the delight
    of walking in the noisy street
    and being the noise.

    Drink all your passion,
    and be a disgrace.

    Close both eyes
    to see with the other eye.

    Open your hands,
    if you want to be held.

    Sit down in the circle.

    Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
    the shepherd’s love filling you.

    At night, your beloved wanders.
    Don’t accept consolations.

    Close your mouth against food.
    Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

    You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”
    Twenty more will come.

    Be empty of worrying.
    Think of who created thought!

    Why do you stay in prison
    when the door is so wide open?

    Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
    Live in silence.

    Flow down and down in always
    widening rings of being.


    Lovers think they are looking for each other,
    but there is only one search: wandering
    this world is wandering that, both inside one
    transparent sky. In here
    there is no dogma and no heresy.

    The miracle of Jesus is himself, not what he said or did
    about the future, Forget the future.
    I’d worship someone who could do that.
    On the way you may want to look back, or not,
    but if you can say “There’s nothing ahead”,
    there will be nothing there.
    Stretch your arms and take hold the cloth of your clothes
    with both hands. The cure for pain is in the pain.
    Good and bad are mixed. If you don’t have both,
    you don’t belong with us.
    When one of us gets lost, is not here, he must be inside us.
    There’s no place like that anywhere in the world.


    If you are looking for answers read his work 🙂

  33. Love your blog on the break-up and family and friends. Very inspired by your honesty. You turned this obstacle into an opportunity. Perhaps the friend could only wish to be with someone with such a loving heart and instead of reflecting that he projected anger. You will ultimately be with someone who will not only reflect the love you have to share, but all those in his life will be a reflection of that as well (including family and friends.) You seem to be a great navigator of your life, keep navigating and maintaining your loving heart 🙂

    M xx

  34. i call it finger fuck..but yours is nice too 😀

  35. Pretty much put my exact feelings into words, nice to know I’m not the only one feeling like this!

    Love your blog.


  36. you captured the exact emotions im feeling now after my break up, the whole depression and feeling of uncertainty. It always feels good to know your not alone in this world and that other people are feeling the same way.

    keep up the blog !!!!!!

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