BLOG » reader submission- his friend committed suicide:


a boy who reads my blog wrote this:

“my friend texted me to tell me that miss Ashley had killed herself last night. she never seemed like the type to do it. i was shocked, saddened, and honestly felt bad. we met at the royal oaks one night when i was already drunk. she tended bar there and her shift just ended, so she decided to stick around for a drink. she told me we had met before at the nyabinghi and made out in the bathroom and how great it was. great that i was bold enough to just ask her if she wanted to and great that i delivered on it. i must have been too drunk to remember that. i went along with it. i said of course i remember then excused myself to the bathroom and asked Matt who she was. “Ashley. from nyabinghi. miss Ashley” when i came back she said how great that would be to happen again. just not giving a drunk fuck, i grabbed the back of her head and pulled her into me in the middle of the bar. she was flushed.

we sat down and talked about what we had just done and then went to my car. we made out for almost 45 minutes and the bar had closed and matt was tapping on my window. she pulled her skirt back down, put her jacket on, and got out. we exchanged numbers, kissed, got in our cars and left. the next few winter months were spent at her house. it was so cold outside and in my house, but her house was always so nice. we’d go out and take turns buying each other dinner, showing each other our secret spots; i took her to golden hunan for black pepper beef, she took me to amen corner for Friday fish, etc… we sat under blankets and watched Rosanne, while i did my homework. it was so cold outside and in my house, but her house was always so nice. we fucked while listening to old hardcore records and sometimes i’d put on sonic youth. i always said i knew the band and loved them, even when i didn’t know who they were. we drank beers and talked about underground hip hop. what did happen to def jux and the next men?

before working at the royal oaks, she was a dancer at one of those classy strip clubs. that’s all anyone knew about her and i could feel it when we went out. i didn’t hold her hand at cedars. she was hurt and asked why and i couldn’t tell her “because you’re a stripper”.  she got fired from the oaks and had to start dancing again. i stopped seeing her and the whole thing faded away. i didn’t want to be known as dating a stripper. I’m such a shallow asshole. i wasn’t in love, but it’s not like i didn’t have feelings.

even a few months later, when i felt so low, she came and sat in the dark and listened to nirvana with me to comfort me. we both sang along to drain you. even after i started dating another girl, i dreaded running into her because the sex was so good. it’s almost a year from when i started seeing her and i don’t feel good about any of it still. she had another boy after me, sure, i had girls. i know it’s no ones fault. i can associate with hopelessness. everyone can. i can’t associate with suicide. i hope no one can. I’m sorry.”

34 Responses to “reader submission- his friend committed suicide:”

  1. why would you stop seeing her just because she was a stripper? it’s not like she was sleeping with her customers, it was her job. so what.

  2. what an asshole.
    disowning her because she was a stripper, and then the “i can’t associate with suicide” bullshit.

    that poor lost girl

  3. Thats kinda sad that he wouldn’t want to see her or held her hand because she was a stripper ?!! Thats really so sad and I feel the guy’s kinda a jerk in someway.

    I’m really so so sorry to hear how everything ended up for Ashley:(

  4. Oh God, Alexi. That was heartbreaking.

  5. my heart just fell into a thousand tiny pieces. poor miss ashley.

  6. What a sad tale, tragic and real. He’s not an asshole for not wanting to date a stripper, I judge guys I date on a much stricter scale… what does he do, what kinds of friends does he have, how much money does he make, car, shoes, cologne, clothes etc.
    As someone who is dealing with depression myself, I’m pretty sure she had the issues of deep sadness and hopelessness before they started dating. Life is tragic and painful and harder on some more than others.

  7. the majority of strippers are prostitutes. fact. they all have their price.

    nothing wrong with that. but it doesn’t mean you have to date one to bang one. and, generally, once you bang one, you don’t want to bother dating them, generally.

  8. We all strip & bang for the exchange of something, be it money company or cuddle time BUT she does it in PUBLIC. Other guys can see the boobs he’s licking. That’s a big fucking deal & surely not even a 4th of her demise. I applaud him for being honest…

  9. this was really sad but also beautiful.

    stop hating on the guy, i don’t think he feels too great about it now.

  10. I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to say that this guy is such an asshole because it seems to imply that he is somehow responsible for her suicide. I think anyone who has really ever felt really depressed or like dying knows that it isn’t just one thing that makes you feel that way – it’s many things, one after the other, piling up on top of you, and sometimes it seems like you can never get the weight off. And I don’t think it’s really fair to equate a stripper to a prostitute, and its definitely not fair to equate a prostitute to being less than human deserving less than love. People sell themselves every day, just most of them don’t ask for money. (At least not directly.)

    Furthermore Ashley could just as easily be any girl. The last guy I was involved with… we were like this. During the cold months we’d watch movies at his house and fuck and he’d make me breakfast. And when he would mysteriously disappear only to reappear needing love or support, I would always come back. And when I found out that he lied to me all the time, I was utterly crushed and wanted to die. Now I don’t feel so bad… but I don’t think it’s exactly uncommon for people to think they’ve found… something only to be pushed away and feel like dirt.

    RIP Ashley. This story made me feel more than, oh, that’s so sad – I really wish it hadn’t happened after I read it.

  11. It’s a really sad story but at least he was honest. So what he doesn’t want to go out with a stripper who does? Maybe he wanted a girl who had morals or at least seem like they do. You can’t fault him for that. We all have our types and stripper wasn’t on his list of things he wanted in a girlfriend. From what he wrote you can tell he feels bad about it so cut the guy some slack.

  12. that’s so sad,
    it’s wierd cos i keep having strange dreams/daydreams/wierd feelings that my ex has killed himself, he hasnt, but it’s scary so i cant imagine what it would be liek to actually go through that
    and why is everyone on here jusdging cos he didn’t want to date a stripper? i imagine it would be quite hard, im training to be a burlesque girl soon so im definitley preparing myself for that breakup reason

    i hope whoever wrote this post gets through it ok xoxox

  13. Who are we to judge. Every story is unique to the individuals it belongs to. Courageous of him to share it. Learn from his lesson and grow.

  14. So utterly fake.

  15. yeah…its hard to believe as a lot of details are left out….

  16. Why did you post this?

  17. Because he wrote to me and asked me to.

  18. This story reads like it has been consciously written for an audience and concentrates too hard on making the writer look cool rather than descibing the suicide of someone they knew. shame on you for posting it alexi.

  19. I’m going to assume this is real and treat it as genuine.


    So look…all I want to say is it’s pretty clear you are feeling horrible about this and responsible in some way. Don’t punish yourself, period. Miss her, feel bad for what ultimately happened but do not blame yourself.

    No matter what happened in either of your lives, if someone decides to commit suicide and they are not having a psychotic episode it was definitely within their control and ultimately their decision.

    Sure, there are things we all wish we could say to people in our lives who have passed on. I have a list so big it gives me vivid nightmares.

    But look, if she was in that line of work there was something pathological locked in her head that no one could fix. Period. That whole “this is temporary while I go medical school” line is a load of crap. “Temporary” turns into 10 years of hard partying and a face that looks like hell.

    Feel shitty for her, feel miserable, cry like hell. Get it out. You didn’t kill her. She killed herself. You spent time with her and from what I gather you were a pretty decent guy.

    Learn something, cut yourself some slack and live your life.

    I wish you the best.


  20. if this is true, she was probably on medication. this is the issue people should be talking about. i know people who have committed suicide. they were ALL taking medication. im not saying depression does not exist.. anyone who is on medication should really with their doctors ween off them ASAP. ask alexi, doesnt she talk about her problems with her therapist? talk write dont take chemicals.

  21. But what was his motive? Did he just have to get it out?

  22. PS. Thank you for replying in the first place.

  23. Yeah, I still don’t know why you would post this, just because he asked you to. Strange. (Theodore John Kaczynski may still need some space as well.) I don’t find this to be the sweetest remembrance, no matter how honest.

  24. hey alexi

    here is a link to a short story by noah cicero which i believe is inspired by the same young woman as your reader submission, in case you’re interested

  25. I don’t think he is in the wrong for not wanting to date a stripper. Everyone has these built in morals that just can’t disappear on command. I’m sure more then half of you wouldn’t date a stripper either. BUT, the fact that he basically fell in love with the girl and then left her on the side of the road is a little fucked up. I feel for him though. While reading this I noticed myself feeling more sympathy towards him then the actual stripper. Because he is suffering with his mistakes. She killed herself and he wasn’t there to interject. He probably feels like it’s all his fault. I’m sure he was thinking, “maybe if i would have just kept seeing her this wouldn’t have happened”. Living with that type if guilt and pain would be the worst thing ever. I want to give the guy a huge hug,wipe his tears (i’m sure he’s cried) and buy him a drink.

  26. i personally think this is a very depressing story but at the same time very well written. i feel he should be ashamed of how he feels but at the same time i feel the sorrow for him. he lost someone he was connected to in his life and no matter who you are thats heartwrenching.

  27. I wrote this as a way of filling her digital construct, like Dixie in gibson’s neuromancer. I did feel. I do feel. But I’m not going to lie. This is exactly how it went for me (please see “rashomon”). Like you have never been so shallow. It was about a year since we dated and she hung herself. She had a son. I was always sad that I could not meet her son. And now I never will. I had flowers sent to the funeral. We are all this shallow.

  28. You know, we are not all this shallow. We don’t all lack enough self-control to not take advantage of people we don’t have the same feelings for and then have the audacity to use his/her story as some sort of pathetic attempt at salvation. I know that I have certainly encountered/slept with enough of you shits in plenty of Royal Oak-like establishments across Brooklyn to imagine the kind of company you keep isn’t telling you what you should be hearing. I wouldn’t give you shit for not wanting to date a stripper. I wouldn’t even remotely think of blaming you for her suicide. What I do hold you accountable for is being such a spineless fuck you slept with her for months allowing her to think you cared, knowingly I’m absolutely sure, then called her when your needy ass was lonely? I mean how do you look at yourself in the mirror long enough to ironically style your surely filthy hair? How dare you write this drivel to this random blog, “as a way of filling her digital construct” you pretentious waste of fecal matter. I wish William Gibson could read this and be mortified that anyone capable of appreciating his work could also produce such a pathetically veiled attempt at self-aggrandizement based on someone else’s real tragedy. For some reason you think acknowledging your apathetic behavior somehow excuses it, allowing us all to revel in how the difficulty of truly connecting with other people creates these surface interactions that we allow because maybe they’re better than nothing at all. Yes, we live in an apathetic age, and you live in a particularly apathetic city, but those facts do not forgive this exultation of emotional careleness. Yes, we are all sometimes careless, and sometimes we are all shallow. But at least most of us have the decency to be upset about these things, and work to keep them from being repeat offenses. And I’m pretty sure I’ve never been this shallow.

  29. @the author: @christeen:

    Christeen, I’ll be up front.

    I suffer from PTSD and serious subsequent anxiety. I’ve had women get involved with me in some very intense emotional and sexual relationships. Sometimes when they see up close just how damaged I am they have to back out quickly just to keep their own heads straight.

    I’m not sensing that this piece was written by a shallow hipster asshole for self-aggrandizement. He may feel shallow for not wanting to share a sex-worker with her customers, but who would?

    It is what it is.

    I’m sensing that he had a normal interaction with her (as normal as any male-female sexual interaction can be in this morally bankrupt decade) and that he had to step back when he realized just how dark, fucked up and lonely it was inside her head.

    I can see how you would arrive at your conclusions and I don’t think that you are wrong so much as I think this is just a guy trying to figure out why this is still hurting him so much a year later. It took me 10 years to be able to cry when my mother died.

    Some of us can reason inwardly and some of us have to express our questions outwardly. Please feel free to disagree with his motives. I’m sure most readers are doing just that. Just maybe try not to beat on the guy so hard. I’m pretty sure no one can make him feel as shitty and hopeless as he is already making himself feel.

    Thanks, both of you. Reading this has been cathartic.


  30. That was sincere and heartfelt. Thankyou.

  31. I don’t think this guy was an asshole- I think he’s just honest.Reading this made me ache.

  32. who wrote this?

  33. Well, dash your hopes against a wall, I know why she did it. I’d do it too if I had the strength to press down. You should feel bad, you arrogant prick.

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