BLOG » ex-boyfriends, youth, and french fries (part 2):
As I walked to the parking lot, I had an urge to drive to the valley, over crescent heights which turns into laurel canyon, and go somewhere, ANYWHERE on Ventura blvd. Maybe Twain’s (a more mom and pop version of Denny’s. It’s a coffee shop. Not so corporate. Old timey, 50′s style). but I didn’t need anything there. I used to go there when I was 14, 15, 16- when I’d just started wearing mascara- hanging out with the bad kids at school, seeing bands play, smoking cigs (I don’t smoke anymore- it’s way too gnarly bad for you, and makes you look like leather face- even though it looks super cool in a photo, especially if it’s black and white!) I used to go there and talk shit with people I don’t even know anymore. People I probably didn’t even like at the time! who i knew meant nothing to me. And yet I filled my social calender hanging out with them. aching for their approval! never wanting to miss a get together, show, hangout, whatevs- out of fear they might talk shit about me, or that something epic might happen and i’d miss it.
i guess i also just wanted to leave my room and get out of my moms house in north Hollywood. at the time, i didn’t have my license OR a car yet- so ANYONE willing to pick me up and drive me somewhere was a legend! and being anywhere, out and about with people my age- mean or not, made me feel so important and excited. like we were so powerful and cool and could take over the world. I let their opinion and acceptance of me matter. but who were these people? Sometimes who you go to school with or who you hang out with is decided by/simply because of convenience. I used to order grilled cheese sandwiches and french fries that I would dip in ketchup and ranch dressing. We saw the rocky horror picture show at the Nuart theatre. And stayed up at Twain’s drinking tons of coffee (mine with lots of milk and sugar).
for some reason- I wanted to reconnect with this side of myself. I wanted to tap into my youth. like, say hi to it or something. Apologize for it being over. Apologize for thinking it was so painful- even though, even now, I know it was! Those teen years were dark and brutal. Maybe I wanted to drive over the hill and revisit my past youth because it was raining and I’m in the midst of mourning the death of something- moving onto bigger and better things- and aware of the fact that I know myself now- and I’m happy and centered and excited. Maybe I wanted to mix the two together: my childhood innocence with who I am now. I wanted them both at once. But I decided that I didn’t need to go to Twain’s to do that. I wasn’t hungry, I’ll always be 16 in my heart, and the September issue was playing at the sunset 5 in 20 minutes. I had other shit to do! Halloween was around the corner, and I totally planned on going trick or treating, watching scary movies, having drinks at a party, and going to a pumpkin patch! I’m totally youthful! I just don’t smoke anymore, i eat way healthier, have my own car, apartment, and actually like/love the people in my life. life is better now. Fuck Twain’s! Xo
I really like your writing. You’re so positive about yourself and what you’ve lived! Sometimes I wish I could be like that – I’d be way much happier!…
Oh my gosh, I wouldn’t want to be 15 again for anything–it was such a confusing time. 20s are almost as confusing–obviously in a different way–but I’m getting there! Is it terrible that I just want to hurry up and be 30?? (That’s when I plan to cross “world domination” off my To-Do list
)
http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/
You are so RAD!
YES!! right on!
oh my god. this gave me hope.
p.s. I got all the free shit you sent me in the mail yesterday and I’ve been vandalizing bathroom stalls like crazy ever since! I even took pictures. and I made a couple of guys walk around with the stickers all day. thanks!
I agree. I’ve gladly left my teens behind me
and I’m all the better for it.
sounds like me 4 years ago, except my Twains was the Sunset Strip and we would go to Mel’s Diner and eat omelets after late night ragers
im a way better person now.
i fucking love twains! i used to go there when i lived in sherman oaks all the time.
Wow. I totally felt the same way when I was 15 — now I’m 20 and I’m still figuring stuff out, but I have a feeling, that like you, I will always be 16 at heart.
I love you madam.
Alexi,
I’ve been feeling this way since summer too!
I’ve been mourning the death of something inside me and reluctantly moving on to bigger and better things(Oh, I hope they are!)
Ever since, my boyfriend and I broke up, I’ve been up and down with myself, remembering my childhood years (Although I am only 17) and just drifting through life. It’s been ridiculously hard getting over my first real love and reading your blog has been the slap in the face I often require to get out of this funk!
Thank you! Stay amazing!
alexi:
i know what you are saying all too well.
keep sharing your experience, strength & hope and never stop loving yourself.
shirley.
p.s im sorry but m caffe is just not that wonderful. you really think its better than rfd? i just dont see it… the chocolate cake was so dry and a really bad representation of vegan baking, the kale is better at whole foods, and the things that are good there i can make at home or get better elsewhere. [case in point the bbq "chkn" which is better at pure luck/veggie grill and doesnt even pass the gardein bbq shreds. oh and the m cafe coffee bleh.
maybe ill have to show you some real food ;]
I don’t tend to look back or tap into my youth few years back.
Guess i’m still a youth now. Not even 20 yet,I don’t know.But its good to always think back of the past and say hi !
What a great post. Its funny you’re across the country and the same things went on here on the east coast during my HS years. Only we had the Tenafly Diner and not Twayne’s.xo
Teenage agnst sucks! I am pushing 40 now and I occasionally wish to be young again, but I would NEVER want to be a teenager again for the very reasons you just mentioned. I would go for my 20s again when really the only thing I knew was that I did not know much. I teach middle school now. People ask why, or say that I am crazy for doing it. My subjects are Social Studies and English, but my main reason for teaching is to help kids get through that awful time. They do not realize how fragile they are at that time…neither did any of the rest of us.
PS. sorry for being OLD and a guy and reading your blog, but it is awesome. I found it by accident and I am glad I did.
love this post – and can totally relate to it! I feel that way most times I visit my hometown. so glad the teenage years are over. xo
Ha. This totally sounds like my life right now (yeah, I’m 15.) I just don’t really give a shit about all these things anymore. My Twain’s is The Ashbury. A quaint little coffee shop in the suburbs of Chicago. All the indie kids go there to smoke, talk shit, and drink coffee while raving about all the shows they’re planning to go to and all the band members they know, hooked up with, etc. Oh, and I decided to be cool and not smoke, even if these kids make fun of me. Hehe it’s kinda fun rebelling against them. Not to mention a lot of other stereotypes. I like being my own person. I’m not exactly mourning my past, though it was a lot of fun. I’m glad Im kinda letting go of it a little earlier than most. I’ll listen to my indie bands not because they’re indie, but because I like them. I’ll dress the way I do not because it’s different, it’s just who I am. I’ll do things not to fit in but to just be me. I’m quite happy with who I am. And I think I’m better off being alone than spending time with people I can’t stand. Ha
brah, i really appreciate your honesty in this post. i had a similar night right after my 26th bday and really just needed to reconnect with my youth. i couldnt believe my early 20′s were oves and adult realities stared me in the mirror (and no im not talking about saggy boobs.) i dont think i could have verbalized what i was going through nearly as well as you did and instead of seeing a movie, i drank. ooopsie.
how beautifully honest.
Cool site you have, the posts here are very helpful.
Thank you , I love to read about other vegetarians as it gives me the strength to continue. I have about a thousand vegetarian feeds in my google reader, but I’m sure another can’t hurt!! I did manage to find a good lentil recipe here, but I’ll be sure to try yours too. Thanks!