BLOG » (part 2) is this it? modern love:
(continued from yesterday’s post)
he wrote:
It’s hard to tell sometimes, people’s survival mechanisms kick in and
they become great at living double lives, but actions generally speak
louder than words. Steve Harvey has a great line in his book “act like
a woman, think like a man”. when he says “men love different than women.
he wont tell you he loves you all the time, so don’t expect it. but if
he takes you out to hang with his boys, he’s showing that you’re his
girl, that exhibition of coupledom in front of that group of people is
almost more significant than the word.”
To get some insight, I have a pretty girl. She’s sweet as candy,
LOVESSSS me so much, would do anything for me. I think she’s the
coolest, but I still think I can do better. I think I can get some
celeb chick AND I KNOW that she’ll be annoying and awful, and totally
lifeless and my girl now is better. But it’s the ego, the adventure
and the thrill of the hunt. Its so you get that rush of adrenaline
when you kiss a girl for the first time, and the next morning you can
look in the mirror and say “GOOD STUFF” and the kid version of you
high fives the 29 year old version of yourself. Warren Beaty slept his
way to Annette Bening and she seems fucking awesome. Bill Mahr doesn’t
have a wife cause he is sharper without one. Spielberg married young,
divorced when he got famous and married some actresses from his movie
at the height of his powers. its just animal.
Going ahead in the future, you should protect yourself as much as you
can before you are comfortable enough to open up. Your lesson about
guys who come on strong is right, they are usually overcompensating
for something. Be a cynic but be open and don’t become a man hater.
Even though what he did was selfish and shitty, he was sweet and
tender and truly cared about you, but love sucks when it’s one sided,
and that is why you should try to avoid it at all costs until you find
someone who is ready to travel that road to its ultimate conclusion, a
singular relationship with a person to be fully committed to.
i’m the same way in the sense that i always want better and think that i can do better when i’m with a guy. a shitload of guys later, i’m with some one who i honestly don’t think i could get any better than him for the first time. it scares the crap out me. ’cause i know he can do way better.
I NEVER post on blogs and this is the second time I’ve posted on boycrazy. I am in LOVE with this post! It literally is speaking directly to me and although the girl doesn’t disclose her situation, holy shit it sounds like the exact predicament that I was in in June. And am still not over. The guy writing this is answering all my questions although it is stuff I probably did know deep down. Love, love, love love it. X
I like this post better than yesterday–it’s more relatable. Guys always think they can do better until one day they realize, they um, can’t. And by that time, the great girl they screwed over has already moved on. (I promise I’m not a man-hater–just speaking from experience!)
http://www.firednfabulous.blogspot.com/
love it.
second part was good.
Women prefer love to be one sided(in a mans favour) naturally because women have all the power in the dating scene (even if they don’t realise it). Being with a guy that gives them work is exciting and gives them something to do with their time other than shop and watch tv. I get it
I really liked both parts of this post–it’s really just saying everything we already see and know, as women, and that men have always been suggested with their actions, however, for some reason, we just choose to act completely oblivious of the fact.
Still always a jolt to hear someone say it like it is!
i really want this to be horse shit. (sobs)
guess it’s time to start acting like a man to get the best i can get before i die.
I’m not completely sure why we women-folk feel the need for magical love that never dies, I partly blame Disney movies for warping classic fairy tales to always end happily, and partly blame our mothers for telling us that a man will never buy the cow if he gets the milk for free.
We are not commodities and we should certainly be more realistic and balanced about our views of love and relationships than we usually are. I also feel like the views of this guy could easily be that of a woman. I also always say that in relationships, one person is always chasing the other. It flip flops from time to time within said relationship, but one is always more interested and emotionally involved than the other. It’s the fear that we might lose our partners affections that make us desperate and clingy, and often mentally unbalanced — both men and women experience this, dare I say equally?
As I put it to the mother of my child (who conveniently doubles as the one-and-only focus of my lyrically relentless sex urge; still effortlessly monog after 6 years and counting): she can trust me NOW because I got it out of my system THEN.
I enjoy being given the eye by unknown choice wimmins on the U-Bahn, occasionally (nice to know that one is still viable merch, after all), but I wouldn’t flirt with/touch one for a million (Euros not bucks). Zero interest. Been that, done there. Making a little family is what blows my mind with sheer joy now, but only because I over-did the other thing so wonderfully to “death” during the appropriate, foolishly fearless, hormone-deranged time of life.
*The guys who are the straight-arrow, “never cheat” serial monogamists in their 20s, today, are the middle-aged adultery/porn addicts of tomorrow.*
Kids no longer have childhoods and pubescents no longer get to play doctor (without going to prison) and young adults fresh out of college are expected to marry, reproduce and embark on life-long careers. Which is why people no longer grow up: locked in the longing for the seasons they’ve never known, innit?
Do your future (second?) wife/husband a favor, kids, and f*ck like godless squirrel-monkeys *now*. (Using rubbers, of course)
This guy is a genious he should write a follow up book to Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. Called “Mars and Venus, Lets cut that bullshit and talk reality”.
Steven Augustine!!! PLEASE plz plz plz start your own blog! you are amazing!!
this gives me a stomach ache.
Now, I feel like going to watch a Woody Allen movie and call it a day!
Another brilliant post Alexi. This guy knows exactly how the male mind works. Everything he said is so incredibly true. I too feel like he’s talking about the shitastic boy situation I’ve been in so it definitely hit home.
Can’t wait to read your next post, they always put my boy problems back into perspective. Much <3
answer to “,”: ditto. But a happy one, like Hannah and her sisters or Whatever Works. Cause this post is making me feel like I did at the end of The Purple Rose of Cairo, and that´s not a good thing.
I’ve been in a relationship with my girl for a long time now. I don’t want to do better, I just want to stick with her. Do cool stuff with her, get old with her.
If Steven Augustine is right though… I’m looking at being an adulterous porn abuser within the next fifteen years.
Reading stuff like this makes me feel like shit. It’s not just dudes who carry on like that.
well that was bleak.
“To get some insight, I have a pretty girl. She’s sweet as candy, LOVESSSS me so much, would do anything for me. I think she’s the coolest, but I still think I can do better. I think I can get some celeb chick AND I KNOW that she’ll be annoying and awful, and totally lifeless and my girl now is better. But it’s the ego, the adventure and the thrill of the hunt.”
What a horrible person. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone like this?
D: what he says doesn’t sound horrible to me, well yes it’s not music to my ears but it makes sense, as humans are animals after all..
to “d:”
shut up. probably every one you’ve dated is like that.
i think these last 2 posts are really shortsighted. & some other people have chimed in about this. these feelings and behaviors are not sex-exclusive – BOTH MEN & WOMEN do this to each other. it’s not just a “male” thing.
Sorry. I call bullshit.
A man’s entire perception of male and female role models comes from what he witnesses in his first 3 or 4 years of life. For better or worse.
Case and point:
My father was a brutal, horrible person who served in the military and was (thankfully) never around. My mother was my best friend. She had a stroke in front of me when I was five years old. Subsequently I spent much of my early life caring for her day to day needs until she passed away.
To this day, I cannot be in the same room with a caucasian alpha male. They make me sick.
And likewise, I just spent five years of my life in a relationship with a woman who revealed to me that she was the victim of a sexual predator.
I loved her so I stayed with her. Period. Why the fuck wouldn’t I? You don’t drop somebody or stop loving them just because “you can get better” or because you want to hedge your bets. Not unless you’re total scumbag.
If you really think you can do better than the “pretty girl” you’re with than maybe you ought to grow a pair and break up with her instead of using her like a security blanket. She can definitely do better than you.
I think a man either learns that love is give and take, or he goes through life like a jackass lacking empathy and believing that the world is his personal playground.
Bottom line, grow the hell up. I’ve got a teenage sister and this is exactly the kind of thoughtless male behavior that gives me nightmares. Pray to god that you don’t need to rely on your pretty girl to take care of you if you become sick or are injured one day. Karma’s a bitch.
UGH.
This guy is honestly ridiculous. I truly hope no girls take what that douche says to heart.
I’ve been married to my wife for 13 years and couldn’t be more in love. Sure times get hard, but love isn’t a “feeling” or lust, infatuation – it’s commitment through thick and thin. And the feelings always come back.
i also call bullshite.
there are a lot of guys like this, who are damaged, and terminally unhappy (due to whatever mommy/daddy issues). and then there are sweet guys, appreciate, mature and with good values.
the problem is, most women either don’t know the difference between the two (before it’s too late and they’re in head over heels) or they have issues of their own that help mask what the guy is truly like.
also, in going out, i meet tons of these guys…only they are 40-something year old singles who still chase younger girls not realizing that everyone’s laughing at them while the girls take them for a ride financially.
*shrugs* such is life.
p.s. thank GOD i’m still in my 20s and finally confident and smart enough not to believe crap like this.
“If you really think you can do better than the “pretty girl” you’re with than maybe you ought to grow a pair and break up with her instead of using her like a security blanket.”
Well said.
I’ve never understood people who will “seriously” date someone they have zero intention of staying with – yet they know the other person feels differently. They claim to care about the other person, but they obviously don’t. Instead, they steal years of someone’s youth so they have someone to go to events with when no one new they want to f*ck is around. One side is exclusive, and the other side is waiting for a better deal.
Here’s a good test. If you liked Closer (the movie, not the song) – you might be a bad person. That movie was strung together unscrupulous and degrading behaviour – with the underlying justification that “everybody does it, so it must be okay.”
People love perpetuating these ideas so they have an excuse for their own depravity. I’ve heard guys use justifications to the tune of “males are genetically geared not to be monogamous, but women aren’t like that” – which translates to “I can cheat on you, but you better not cheat on me.”
If you want to date casually, do it. If you want to be monogamous, do that. If you want to have an open relationship, fine. Hypocrisy and duplicity – not so fine.
The actions you choose to take in a relationship aren’t pre-determined by nature. The kind of person you are determines the outcome. If you’re an ego-driven dickhead that can’t make a commitment to anything, then yes, you will cheat. But this isn’t the fate of every man. I don’t know when we’re all going to man the fuck up and stop blaming biology for the cheating phenomenon. WE ARE NOT PRIMAL ANYMORE, we are fucking smarter than that. The reasons for cheating aren’t traced to science, it stems from selfishness and cowardice. Simple as that. It’s a personality trait, not a characteristic of our internal makeup.
I don’t understand why it’s assumed that women in general are such doting, naive and unfailingly loyal individuals. Chances are, if you find it so incredibly easy to lie with a straight face to the person you claim to love, it’s not so unbelievable to fathom that they might be capable of the same feat.
I for one find it ridiculously easy to be faithful, if I’m with someone I know I love, and respect. I would never try to place my hold on someone, and keep them from exploring their options while I keep mine open. If you plan on being a slutty prick, then give your partner the same opportunity. Don’t require them to be faithful to you, while you’re pursuing this ever-exciting chase.
This male contributor is a total fuck up, with obvious insecurities. He’s being a complete assfuck to the girl he’s with now, who deserves much better. His insights are bullshit if he’s even attempting to make a sweeping generalization, because men with confidence and a working moral compass don’t fucking do this to other people.
I hope you catch crabs, dear poster.
-Robyn
Erik Kolacek, I like what you and Steven Augustine are saying. It assures me not all men are asholes as I actually started to give up hoping that they weren’t. Although it’s hard reading this not to get my fear confirmed. This is exactly how the boy who just dumped me behaved….this is so true in my case….
I just hope there are more guys like you out there instead!
Sigh. Oh alexi…For as hip and progressive as you try to present yourself, your old school, cliche, anti-feminist ideas about “love” never fail to be adorably pathetic.
Fortunately your readers seem to have some equally lame views, so keep up the good work.
onthereal, you’re a patronising boot. you can disagree but why be such a twat in doing so.
Wow, serious words of wisdom. Thumbs up.
i don’t like this. so what about the girls that get fucked that are the “stepping stone” to the perfect girl? are they just supposed to accept that that’s what men do? bullshit. nobody should use anybody
and i hope that the girl that he deems good enough will find someone better.
I recently dumped my boyfriend of nearly 4 years, basically because I think I can do better. But along with that, I simply didn’t love him anymore. Isn’t that the real reason we cheat/break up? The loss of romantic love? Not necessarily because we want to fuck someone else, but the two kind of go hand in hand.
I think many people say they don’t want to hurt their significant other, but in reality it is themselves they are trying to protect. These comments have proven that we cannot make the kinds of generalizations the author of this post has made. No way.
‘haha’ to all.
This guy seems to discount any sense of agency or responsibility in following every urge he has.
It’s convenient to say something is “just animal” when it conveniently aligns with a vogue viewpoint on some kind of “concurrent monogomy”, but it’s a hollow excuse. Lots of things are “just animal”, like being totally self-seeking, consuming everything, endangering others’ well-being for our own sake or other, slightly more serious things…you know, the stuff we call rape, murder, that kind of thing.
The supremely ironic part was his differentiation between the “kid” self and the “29-year-old-self”, as if he’s some wizened, worldly tome of life-experience. I can tell you, the notion that people who are almost 30 are necessarily adults or mature is just naive.
Take some responsibility. We all have “animal” urges but understanding them and channeling them is probably a less selfish way to go about life.
There are different kinds of guys and girls all around us. Unfortunately, some girls like guys ruled by their ego, some do not. There are also damaged souls who have a ‘larger than life’ ego but still can control it and be a good person. Those are the boys that almost all girls really look for
i strongly dislike the fact that this post automatically gives every guy qualities of strong ego, lust, and selfishness. sure I’ve hit all three of them but haven’t you? the writer assumes that every male thinks the shallow thought of “i can do better” and lives “second lives”, and i’m sure that there are a lot of guys who fit this portrait. but be real not all guys fit into this post. the problem lies with YOUR recognition and attraction to these qualities.
your solution:
if your guy fits the description of the post, its your own fault for lack of judgment, and you should drop it like its hot…..
if your dude doesnt, high five =)
in the words of a j tillman song:
young men play the part
play the part of fools
to keep from standing still
to keep their precious youth
young girls pay the price
of pairing off with wolves
who dont know any better
and dont feel like they should
from the piece posted above, i almost feel that if we want to keep from getting hurt at this time in our lives, we shouldn’t have relationships. like Steven Augustine said, if we do find the “good” ones now, they are going to be crazy cheaters later. its better to just deal with the fact that at this point in their lives (late teens-early 20s) guys don’t know any better and don’t feel like they should. they like what they are doing and will keep doing it until they get it out of their system. and if they don’t feel that way at that young point in their lives, they will feel that way later, and it will be worse because they will probably be married at that time. i’m in a relationship with a guy right now and i know he isn’t going to stay with me. he wants to be with so many other girls, i’m only the first in a long line. we need to break up, i know we do, but i’m drawing it out because i enjoy his company. we just don’t want the same things though. i want to break up, for him to get it out of his system, then come back to me when he is wiser and has finally decided he wants a monogamous relationship. it sounds so wrong, and i don’t think i’ll actually want him back when i am older and wiser and more sure of myself, and i will then really believe that i do deserve better. it is at that point that i won’t take him back and he will have to deal with it, the same way i had to deal with his desire to fuck a lot of women when i was in love with him and wanted so badly for him to be happy with just wanting me and me alone. but even if it doesn’t play out that way, it doesn’t matter. i don’t want to get back at him. i just want to be happy and i know i’ll be better off without him. ladies, we deserve better. but we feel like we shouldn’t, because of these guys like the one in the piece above. i feel like the lyrics could also be “they (girls) don’t know any better and don’t feel like they should”. because of the selfish guys we have been with, we are fooled into believing that that is as good as it could get, and that it’s wrong to desire more out of a relationship, but it’s not. robotofmystery and Erik Kolacek give me hope
thought provoking and witty.
i think my last boyfriend thought like this. came on too strong and then we were living together four months later and then suddenly he needed “space.” his family was very fucked up (control freak dad, depressive martyr mom. ) the guy i am with now is much more reserved, but somehow i trust it more. hasn’t said “i love you” but calls me every day. just stable. maybe it’s because he’s from the south, maybe it’s because he’s a cancer. i don’t know! my roommate’s boyfriend just kind of dumped her because of the “space” issue, general fear of commitment, not knowing what he is doing with his life. no one is really sure. we discussed if maybe we need to start dating more “boring” guys. to me, “boring” is actually quite exciting now. maybe it’s because i’ve gotten the drama out of my system, the most appealing thing to me now is stability. i don’t feel like i am missing anything. you have to evolve mentally, and i think this is true for men and women. i guess that is what they call “maturing.”
This and the post right before it are so contradictory that I don’t know if I should laugh or be pissed. Sooo he’s saying wait for the right guy but also there is no “right” guy because they all cheat? And really? Steve Harvey? That whole book was a misogynistic piece of shit. There are def people out there that won’t cheat. Yes humans are animals, but humans have brains and can decide not to cheat on someone they care about and hurt them. This whole post was bullshit and the guy who’s writing it is trying way too hard to sound smart and act like he knows his shit. Also just because a someone who’s young enjoys being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean that they’re going to turn into a sex addicted porn freak when they’re older. I think this guy watches too much tv.
Also I strongly agree with Matthew. The people you end up with says a lot about you. And generalizing anyone the way this post does is unfair.
This kind of stuff is absolute bullshit. It’s men hiding behind a hip and jaded veil of essentialism to justify their negative and selfish behaviour. They’re just chauvanistic assholes who espouse this crapstastic essentialist view of love to justify their unwillingness to consider others or govern themselves. As a male, I call shenanigans. Fuck people like this.
The internet breeds exclusivity. You find and seek your ideals and ignore the truth. I personally don’t agree with this, I am not so jaded or cynical about life to believe that the feelings I have felt for some girlfriends I have had could so easily be traded in for lust/greed.
I think a lot of this also stems from America’s dichotomy of sexual repression in practice and sexual exploitation/propaganda in media. Fucking christian nation, we have way more religious zealots than most nations that we consider “extreme.”
Concurrent with that is our ideal belief in marriage and our generations (I am in my mid 20s) having seen this union being repeatedly broken while also seeing in movies/music/books how it should all work out. No wonder we are cynics. Many of my friends have disavowed any belief in marriage as an institution, but can just as easily uphold the principles involved. It may not be for everyone, but it seems a happier existence.
Stay strong, don’t fall into these articles. Try to find your personal values, maybe this type of relationship is what you want, but I don’t think that most people would agree.
Yo M, Word! Society has been entirely constructed by white males and they perpetuate this bullshit to keep on top. I might wanna cheat too but as a girl I would totes be called a no good slutbags
I use posts like this to keep me detached from men, which my mom disapproves of because she thinks I should treat them like human beings. So I sent her this entry, and this is what she had to say:
Well its an old story, nothing new under the sun.
Some men want to hunt. Who wants to be used and discarded as their prey/ food. So women use various tactics, I’ll be the hunter, I’ll out-user him, I’ll be the objectifier (power!) but it doesn’t suit our natures or fulfill the need to nurture and be nurtured. Who wants to be a jerk?
Some men, not ones whose father gives them Henry Miller books at the age of 14 (tells you what a jerk his dad is) have dads as role models that inform them that the manly, sexy thing to be is a husband, father, provider/hunter for others not for frivolous short term gradification.
But our culture isn’t as family oriented anymore. The culture is informing men to be athletes (rockstars, rock climbers, peter pans) who cheat on their wives (tiger woods) and informing women you are on your own. Take care of yourself because the dudes won’t. Yes, prince charmings are in short supply. Maybe there should be the zen of dating the modern male. Stay detached, don’t get personal or judge the man, accept what you can’t change while never lowering your standards. xxxmom
God. Moms are so smart.