BLOG » the guy you HAPPILY let cum inside you WITHOUT a condom:

I’d just gotten home after one of those nights where i did ONE thing that left me feeling like someone thought i was stupid, weird and/or dumb. I’d said something to some dude i thought was a dork, and wasn’t even attracted to, and now i couldn’t shake it. why did i even care what he thought of me? he played no part in my life. he had a girlfriend. i had a boyfriend. but now my whole world was caving in. the spiral had begun; regretting how i acted, what i said, wondering what he was thinking about me now, and how i could change his OBVIOUSLY ill opinion of me. he probably wasn’t even giving me a second thought. but let’s face it, he probably was. but hopefully not. whatever, he can shit talk/think I’m awkward and lame- all he wants! it just weeds out the people who aren’t meant to be in my life! yeah! sometimes i wish i didn’t internalize and analyze everything so much. sometimes I’m very happy i do. either way, i do. I’ve learned that the best way to get over my crazy spirals is to pretend it’s a week later- speeding up the inevitable, when i know I’ll have forgotten i ever even cared what some dude/person/people may or may not have been thinking of me.

that aside, i was using this stranger to distract myself from what was REALLY going on in my life: I’d done it again! I’d cast a spell on a boy and gotten caught up in the moment and not realized that my actions have consequences. that men have feelings too. and that my behavior, words, touch, gaze, and attention can have/has an affect on people. i was in too deep with a guy, and i wasn’t feeling ‘it’ anymore. at least not like i was. now i was left in a sticky situation, but i wasn’t ready to pull the plug, cuz i didn’t know exactly how i felt. it had gone from epic, to me freaking out, to casual. and it felt like the bubble burst and i should call it a day. but things aren’t black and white. i didn’t know what i wanted. i’d met a really great guy. there was nothing wrong with him, i just wasn’t sure if he was right for me. was my confusion enough of a sign to end it, or should i take some time to casually date him and get to know him before i ran ? the only thing was, this thing didn’t start out casual, it started out full throttle and my doubts were only setting in after ‘i love you’s’ were said and he’d asked to go steady or whatever you call being boyfriend and girlfriend. how did i get here? i wouldn’t go back in time and change a thing… i just didn’t know how to go forward.

so often i worry and act out when i don’t get the attention i want from every guy who comes my way. i don’t take the time to consider if i even like THEM! unless they’re a TOTAL dorky/ugly/pussy… THEN i don’t give a fuck! but I’d still have sexxx with a bizarre looking/interesting/successful dude! in a heartbeat! my friend Dallas thinks i have the worst taste in men cuz I’ve slept with fat, ugly, short, abnormally tall, sickly skinny, balding, and bald dudes. not all at the same time! don’t worry! I’ve only had one threesome, and it was with a girl and a guy who were both hipster/heroine chic. but that’s another story, for another time.

anyways, it takes all kinds. the point is, if i even have one- cuz i might not, is that i get caught up real quick. I’m in love with love. or at least infatuation. i can be a dreamy, whimsical person who can find a million different meanings in one look a boy gives me. (which can be unfortunate for the dude sometimes!) i have no problem and am happy to make extreme eye contact during sex. the deeper and more meaningful the experience can be, the better. the only problem is, as easily as i can throw myself all in, i can just as easily shut down- leaving a guy in the lurches. but isn’t that just called life? it’s not pretty and safe and wrapped up in a bow all the time! and don’t men act irresponsibly with women’s feelings all the time? I’d rather go full throttle, then press on the brakes if i decide to- instead of  treading safely and being careful from the get go.

but what was i even looking for? i wasn’t old enough or ready to get married,  or craving a boyfriend. I’ve never sought out having a boyfriend anyways. it always just ‘happens’. but i wanted the love. and for a minute, i felt it too. in fact; i was in and out of it. but then the seriousness of the situation set in: “boyfriend” “i love you’s”. i panicked and had to decide if i should break it off completely, or pull the pussy move by picking fights and being passive aggressive to make him break up with me. i had one foot in and one foot out. a part of me would think “god, the sex is great! he’s good-looking, but he’s not my normal type. but maybe that’s a good thing!?” even though, according to Dallas, i don’t even have a type. I’d vacillate between thinking we were too different and thinking we’re actually very similar. sometimes, I’d imagine myself in his arms, spooning and think “you know what, i could call it a day and call him the one for good!” i hope all girls can be this nutty, because i do NOT like feeling this way. and there’s SAFETY in numbers bitches!

did all this uncertainty mean he was the wrong guy for me? could he have been the right guy, but i was just too young and immature and preoccupied with the need to be alone and work? would i be the one missing out in the end? could i even trust my gut anymore, after all, i have a million ‘daddy’ issues. i didn’t know what to do! should i just stay away from guys, to save them from me and my behavior? wow, how self important am i? is it better to stay with someone if they’re a good person, attractive, and the sex is great – even if the initial crazy euphoria has died down so soon and you could also just as easily be alone? but what if the person is great and could make a lovely boyfriend you could learn from? does it always have to be under the condition of ‘forever’?

if the fireworks/mad crazy aspect of the relationship has died down and you know you’ve met too early on in your life and there’s no way they will be your final destination (which, to me, is a baby daddy). and yes, i know the ‘final destination’  isn’t always the man who fathers your child. but he will, most likely, be in your life forever- whether you split or not, cuz of the kid! so you better be as damn sure about him as you can be if/when you let him cum inside you without a condom.

if all that you’re left with is a nice guy you have sexual chemistry with, do you run and hold out for another “forever” prospect. or do you just hang out with someone and have a nice, fun time?

the thing is, I’ve been single and had sex with guys who don’t love me and it doesn’t feel good. but to be with someone who loves you when you’re in ‘single, all about me and my own personal responsibilities’ mode- feels shitty too! so what is the answer? I’m not wishy washy. I’m all in or nothing. so this makes loving and relationships more confusing. and usually when a girl is aloof with a guy and doesn’t give a fuck and it’s casual for HER/on her terms.. the dude falls in love.

but being grounded and loved by someone you like can be nice too!

i guess when it’s in sync, and the love is equal on both ends and sustains itself- you know you’ve found something bigger than logic, timing, rules, and being rational. you just make room for it in your life, cut the bullshit, stop analyzing, shut the fuck up- because you’re happy to do so and it feels super good and right. and even if you’re not gonna be with someone forever, isn’t it better to live under the spell that it ‘might’ last forever and be open to the possibility of that chance…. and end it if/when that dream is shattered, than stay with someone who you know in your bones you won’t be with when you’re old and gray? cuz then both parties are being kept from something else that could be epic.

it’s better to take the chance of losing someone, and being alone, then stay because it’s safe and they’re good for now/a warm body. that’s way more scary than being alone.

but, just like power shifts in a healthy relationship, do ‘love surges’ come and go as well? don’t moods shift as well? i wouldn’t wanna make any extreme decisions while I’m pms’ing… cuz  I’m a completely different person!

all these thoughts, but i still didn’t know what to do….

72 Responses to “the guy you HAPPILY let cum inside you WITHOUT a condom:”

  1. no wonder guys think women are fucking nuts!!!!!!!!!!!!!and are not looking for undying love just some quick head in a club parking lot with luck you could be planted on your back on the hood of a cadillac doing what comes natural it lends some credence to the school of thought,if you can find a woman you can stand to talk to for a half-hour without gag-fucking her you should marry her as for no condom and inside you redefines warm gooey feeling i’m saying the gift is more valued by the gifter than the giftee guys will cum in a condom ,in a pussy ,hell!they’ll jack-off ice fishing

  2. regardless of last reply you really are fucking smoking hot so use it because everybody soon loses it but keep up the cerebral activity it is as attractive as your other assets and let that bush grow wild its so much more predatory and will save on bikini mishaps it also gives a girl a very distinctive flavor! no shit delicious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Dear Alexi,

    Obviously some people don’t understand the importance of emotional catharsis and clarity that result from writing and sharing… (And to them I say – F off! Don’t disparage Alexi just because you think you know everything. This is a blog called “I’m Boy Crazy” not “The Path to Salvation”, assholes. Expressing emotions with other people is how a lot of women cope…. Don’t silence them/her/me.)

    No, your blog doesn’t attempt to teach kids in Iraq a damn thing, but why should it have to? What your blog does is help people feel less isolated – and that is important, too. Keep it up! I love you!

  4. tl;dr

    awesome title with a long boring story attached

    I second the notion of a refund, enacted by my good friends Kelly and Gaby.

    Kelsey, nothing made by humans is ever perfect (100%). never. Never. Settling is what everyone does eventually.

    Emma, shoosh.

  5. I really needed to hear that last entry day! I have found myself in a similar situation. I am dating a guy who on paper is perfect for me but for various reasons (first being that I am newly divorce so the timing of another serious relationship isn’t ideal) I simply know that he’s not “the one” for me. While we always have fun together, the sex is great and he is as sweet as can be, I have begun to wonder if by staying in this relstionship I am being selfish. In the beginning is was VERY hot and unbeliveably easy so it went far fast. Now I’m starting to crave a less committed situation. I fanatcize about breaking up but when I try to prepare in my mind answers to his inevetable questions, i.e. what did I do wrong? what happen? etc. etc. I can’t come up with any reasonable response because he is well… so great. This then makes me think that I should just stick it out because…. why would I leave if he’s so amazing? Then I talk myself into staying with the justidication that not all relationships have to be “forever.” But as soon as I say that I retort (myself) by saying that it’s not fair to him for me to waist his time if I already know that I’m going to break his heart. ARGH!!!!

    It’s nice to hear another perspective in a similar situation.

  6. Wow, that frustrated art teacher guy Leland sounds like a real douche. Why is he so ridiculously obsessed and angry that you are enjoying some success or getting a little bit of press due to your blog? You must have seriously pissed him off when you met him “years ago in the Valley” and the only way he can get his revenge is by writing a lame comment on your blog.

  7. I was an asshole; he was in love.
    He was the woman; I was the man.
    It seemed as if the more I tried to rid myself of this creature the harder he tried. After a year and three months of chasing and running I became his girlfriend. However, I feel as single as ever. I am a wanderer. Why am I with him? Security perhaps. As much as I value his support and company the attachment that comes with being with him or anyone creeps me out. I do not like feeling like someone elses property. Being a girlfriend bares so many emotional responisibilities I just do not care for. I am a woman on a journey and I do not have time to tend my flowers, I can only spare enough time to smell them. So, whether this means that I have brought upon myself a task I can not complete, I do not feel like a girlfriend. I feel as I can come and go as I please. Although I have not disrespected his trust yet, I feel as if the time is nearing. Not so much because I deviously want to make out with a total BABE, but because I want to play this game by my rules. Relationships are full of compromises and I am too independent and too prideful to compromise my freedom.

  8. i wonder if matters if you’re being “Rational” or not, because going by gut instinct is like…way more awesome
    i hate planning and worrying about being in a specific “rational” “logical” mindset my whole life. i mean i really dont wanna be like that…

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  10. This post is exactly why I will N E V E R settle down with a girl, tell her I “love” her or fall in to any routine similar to that. I love your posts but this one hits close to home.

  11. Faceducky, you need the illusion as much as her.

  12. wooow I am shocked but i guess youre right

  13. Just because you’re confused, don’t exactly know what you want in life and fall in love hard and fast doesn’t mean you’re a narcissist.

  14. Hi, I’d like a refund as well.Thank You

  15. Thanks for this article. You’ve raised some very good ideas I want to think about.

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  17. Hİ, Final thought-ever seen “I Heart Huckabees”? You remind me of the Jude Law character, endlessly re-telling the boring Shania Twayne story, just for purposes of self-propagandizing.

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