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the blind leading the blind (part 37):

1. the quickest way to feel better about yourself is to throw some clothes on, go outside, and look around! Have you seen the scary monsters out there?! They’re WAY fatter and uglier than you! See?! don’t you feel better already?! you’re welcome!

2. keep it loose. Except your vagina. Keep that shizz tight, at all times.

3. lets face it: every time a guy comes out of the bathroom, you can be sure he’s just held his dick and hasn’t washed his hands.

4. do not floss in front of people! this includes strangers and especially the person you’re loving, fucking, kissing! duh! are you kidding me?!

5. when you DO floss, be cautious of crinkling your eyes at the same time! This is where it all starts people! the downward, aging, spiral!  it IS possible to floss/maintain your oral hygiene and AVOID premature aging at the same time, I promise. just be conscious!

6. finish every bottle of water you open in one sitting. OR AT LEAST THE SAME DAY! none of this leaving it around, sitting in the sun for days nonsense. especially if you’re sharing it with the person/people your sexing! gross! let me get this straight; you’re sharing AND letting the plastic water bottles rim sit there tasting like dick, bad breath, and hopefully (if you even practice safe sex) condom ooze? disgusting! what a fucking messy, train-wreck of a lifestyle you’re leading! This is a bacterial recipe for disaster! do what you will, they’re your insides I’m trying to salvage…and maybe even your LIFE!

7. at some point, just stop caring if people like you. I’m not saying ‘be an asshole’ or ‘go out of your way to be a dick’.  just don’t do/say things JUST because you want to sway someone into liking you.

8. don’t let people being a dick or cunty to you ruin your whole day. move on. next! unless you totally deserved it. in which case, i hope you die.

9. if you can’t PHYSICALLY protect yourself, you sure as hell better be able to throw a vibe!

10. even if you WEREN’T, it’s probably not the best sign when your therapist keeps saying ‘are you SURE you weren’t molested?’

make it YOURS mondays!


make it YOURS mondays!

the blind leading the blind (part 36):

1. REMEMBER CARROTS? think of them as ‘mother nature’s potato chips’! enjoy!

2. no. that outfit does NOT look good on you!

3. when the barista gives you a full fat latte, when you clearly asked for a non fat latte, the bitch is trying to fuck with you/ruin your life. trust me. there are no mistakes!

4. my therapist says that when i wake up and look in the mirror, I’m only allowed to say hello to myself! i can’t think anything mean, belittling, or harsh about myself. yeah, good-luck,me! but, personally, i blame the mirror for all the negativity.

5. stop distracting yourself, and do your fucking work! whether it’s homework, a writing deadline, or whatever! get it done! no one else can do it for you! that means STOP reading blogs (mine excluded), fb, twitter, myspace (is myspace still alive even? well if it IS, cut it the fuck out too!) it’s called a MEDIA FREEZE people! and sometimes, a lot of the time, it has to be put in effect god dammit!

6. don’t get back with an ex. it NEVER WORKS! sure, there are a few exceptions. but the majority of the time, it will end all over again! why put someone through that twice? why put yourself through that twice? all the things that drove you two apart to begin with, are still there! lurking beneath the surface. maybe even some new annoying things too! do what you will, but… i warned you!

7. always wear latex gloves when you go tagging!

8. stop eye darting when you’re talking to me, i mean, people… when you’re talking to people!

9. don’t forget to touch yourself! this includes: finger-banging yourself, jerking yourself off, stimulating your clitoris, or just patting yourself on the back! cuz why not?! you’ve earned it buddy!

10. never use the word ‘buddy’ in conversation. it confuses peoples insides.


the blind leading the blind (part 35):

1. walking around your apartment naked is the new black.

2. i guess i got the rule WRONG! while it’s OK to leave a huge party without saying goodbyes; it’s apparently NOT cool to leave a party with less than seven people, without saying ‘goodbye’ or ‘thank you for having me’. so thanks for the lesson auntie Jasmin. you’re right! saying ‘goodbye’ does show that i have a heart and am a good person who’s respectful, loving, and thankful. you go girl. today i am a little bit better… thanks to you!

3. it’s TOTALLY an asshole move to give the ending of a movie away! no matter how obvious you think it is- it’s just rude/bad manners! i mean really! what the fuck are you trying to prove here? are you so devoid of happiness, you have to rob people of something as simple as an experience at the MOVIES?! it’s like you’re basically sucker punching me in the face- is what it is! for the love of god! don’t be SUCH a fucking cunty cunt cunt! yeah, you heard me cunty mcKunterson! take it!

4. the best time to pick a zit is the night before you’re gonna be in front of a camera! trust me!

5. treat yourself like you’re your own child. would you really let a little version of you go over to that hotel room and suck that dirty band dudes, self important/entitled- privates/dick/herpes factory? probably not… unless you’re a mean, murderer, molester, maniac, jerky jerk! let’s get real here: yeah, he’s famous and cute, BUT- you don’t even know him! and he sure as hell doesn’t know you! but you DO KNOW that he doesn’t and will NEVER care about you. you’d let your daughter do that? or would you protect her from the aftermath of such an empty experience? you think you’re so tough and it’s all in fun and for the experience; but, be nice to yourself. and if you can’t do it for you, imagine it’s for your own kid. this also goes for; being hard on yourself, having a constant negative internal dialogue about yourself, picking at your face and back, thinking you’re shit. what would you say to your child if he/she was beating himself up and their own worst enemy? hopefully you’d give them a hug, tell them to stop it, and that you love them. be the parent you never had.

6. house, curb your enthusiasm, modern family, entourage,  and 30 rock are the best scripted shows on television right now. (the soup, real housewives of NYC, and the kardashians are fun too)

7. if late night with Conan O’Brien, Seinfeld, Beverly hills 90210, freaks and geeks, unscripted, sex and the city, the wonder years, felicity, friends, and my so called life were still around…. i would have said THEM too! or maybe i JUST DID!!!!

8. figure out what you love doing, what you want to do, what your dream life would be, and do it! imagine if you could make a living doing what you love! that’s the goal! i love you.

9. stop eating so much soy. it’s not as good for you as you might think. consider the fact that it might be BAD for you.

10. your friend is TOTALLY talking shit about you. don’t ask me how i know, i just know, OK!? fine…..they told me!


calling all filmers!

Do you live in the Los Angeles area? Are you an amazing filmer/editor/cinematographer/photographer? If you are any of those things, or all of those things, you should let me know. I’m looking for a few rad human beings to be part of a truly fantastic top secret upcoming project happening in Los Angeles in and around April of 2010.

Strengths include: desire to make beautiful work, ability to work on the fly, love of art, music, and culture, knowledge of the Internet and an overall sense of the difference between what is good and what is bad.

If this sounds like you, or sounds like someone you know, or sounds like someone that someone you know might know- please respond to with the subject: alexi and me. Please include a link to your site/reel/blog/tumblr or whatever other means you think best communicates how great you are.

Also feel free to fwd, tweet, facebook and generally share this post with the world. The sooner the better!



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