BLOG » the perfect BFFF (best female friend forever):
All I’m looking for in a girlfriend is someone I can laugh with, who looks good on my arm and makes me cooler. We should be able to tell each-other anything without boundaries or judgement! No judgement! I’d love for you to teach me to wear red lipstick. And for me to feel comfortable enough for us to have tea at fancy hotels and people watch together. I want to WANT to see movies with you, cuz I’m naturally inclined to see them alone.
And I really want to bypass the whole calling dibs on a dude thing. If we BOTH like a guy- HE’LL decide who he wants to be with. We can’t say ‘he’s off limits’ just because we laid eyes on a guy/proclaimed a dude cute/or met him first. And we should BOTH be able to be OK with the outcome of the situation and let it go if he doesn’t like me/or you. Cuz I’LL totally be ok if he doesn’t like ME. That way we can remain friends and date whoever we click with best and never have to worry about our friendship limiting us/our love life! (I know the world is large- so why do we have to share the same crush on a guy?/blah blah blah- well, because the world is also small. And like attracts like and social circles are small and facebook and twitter are only making it smaller. So stepping on eachothers toes while flirting is bound to happen. So get the fuck over it and grow up. It’s totally not personal!) and we can make other girl friend/bffs feel lame/bad about themselves for not being as evolved as we are. We should be grown ups and above petty bullshit! We may watch the real housewives together (NYC is our FAVORITE- cuz we’re new yorkers too, even if we were born and raised in la- and rarely visit NYC as of late- it’s a way of life/mentality more than anything), but we don’t emulate their nonsense and drama- We just find it entertaining in small doses and are happy shizz like that doesn’t exist in our world! We love flipping out too! And agree we would both date Jeff Lewis if we were gay men! But like, we don’t ALWAYS have to agree- this is just a perfect fantasy with room for notes and compromise. Not too much compromise though! I’d really like for this friendship to be effortless!
I want to want for us to go shopping together. I’d also like it if you loved coffee. There. I said it. And BTW, I don’t want to feel ugly or fat or less than around you. I want to have slumber parties even though we’re not thirteen. I want to be able to call you at four in the morning and know it’s OK and that I’m safe and you won’t be mad at me because you love me and you understand that I wouldn’t be calling if It wasn’t important. I want to feel understood and accepted even if I’m not perfect. I want to help throw you a birthday party or bridal shower or bachelorette party and for you to do the same for me (be my go to) if I decide to do any of those things too. I want us to be Madonna and Gweneth, minus the weird fight they got in that is still a little unclear to me, and ultimately none of my (our) bizness.
I don’t want to make-out or for us to have a threesome. I don’t want to sexualize this. This female friendship is a safe zone. We give enough blow jobs and bad hand jobs as it is. The last thing I wanna do is learn about your clitoris. I mean, I’m sure it’s beautiful, but it’s just not for me. And you’re not even bi sexual- Let alone a lesbian. So why am I even explaining myself? Anywayzies, together we are in a safe, fun, cozy, girly bubble. We can talk about dreams and boys, and shopping, and fucking, and taking over the world. I don’t even wanna borrow your clothes. This isn’t about that! I don’t want to lend you money or borrow money, I just want to be emotional rocks for one another and to be eachothers person to be held accountable. I want to have movie marathons, and go dancing together and maybe even go on a road trip to Vegas- even though I don’t even really like Vegas- but we would go ironically and take in a Chippendale’s show, go to a strip club, see Cher. I wanna go to your house and get ready/dressed up for fancy parties together! I want us to be better off for knowing eachother and being in eachothers life.
I want your friends to like me and not be territorial/too cool for school dicks who make this forging of a friendship difficult for us! I’m awesome! what is their deal?! People don’t own people! What’s with the pack mentality? Actually, it’s cool, but let me be part of the pack first and then we can pull that shit on other people. But not really, but maybe. Cuz it feels good to feel like you’re a cooler kid and excluding lame-os. but that’s lame and we’re not in 7th grade. And it’s bad karma too. But if you MUST do that, don’t you fucking dare treat me like a lame-o!
Back to my point, I want to want us to get manicure/pedicures together. Cuz I do all of this shit alone or with whoever my current boyfriend is.and I’m sick of it. I’m ok being alone. But that’s been done. I’d like to meet the one. I’d like to meet YOU! Whoever YOU are! I don’t even know if you exist. Or if I’d like you. Or if you’d like me. I wonder if I’ll ever be comfortable enough in my skin to feel calm with another women. Comfortable enough not to worry about my facial expressions when I’m listening to your stories with intense concentration/respect/and a tiny bit of devotion that lets you know I care and you are understood and heard. People want that! Fuck, they NEED it. Do all people deserve that, is another story! I want to feel comfortable enough not to think you hate me, or are talking shit about me when I leave the room or don’t see you for a little while.
i haven’t found a potential best friend who encompasses all these things, YET! but I’ve found fragments- here and there- in different people. and maybe that’s all i’ll ever find. but at least now I’ve painted a picture for myself, so i know what I’m looking for. xo
Aw, Alexi <3 I would totally get pedicures with you if I wasn't a 45 mile drive away from LA
Alexi,
As I was reading your post I kept thinking to myself, woah, she is literally describing my relationship with my best friend. So I just want you to know that it IS possible to find that perfect BFFF, exactly the way you described her, and even better then you could have imagined. Women are difficult, we are very very difficult, and most of us have a hard time standing ourselves so it’s pretty exceptional to find someone who is willing to stand by our shit without any sexual favors in return. Just remember that as long as your still looking for her, she is still looking for you, the universe takes care of us as long as we desire truly and honestly. And remember what Bradshaw said!
“Our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with”
oxoxoxox
Alexi, I am in the same boat as you! Im 22 and have never had a best girl friend, Ive had potential candidates but they always end up stabbing me in the back or going completely crazy over some guy that makes them change who they are completely.
I have found 2 AWESOME girls who I could see as my best friends, because they literally would fit everything you just wrote, but sadly they are best friends to each other. and why wouldnt they be?
Anyway, i think the thing you and i both need to look for in a best friend is someone who is confident with themselves, otherwise its always gonna go to hell.
My mom tells me I expect too much out of people and that this kind of friendship like I want and you described doesnt exist. But I know shes wrong. Theres gotta be rad chics out there for both you and me! Keep your head up, keep putting yourself out there and I will too
-Randi!
good luck to you!
i miss my two best friends from university that pretty much encompassed all those things! I realize how lucky i am now (and was when i saw them pretty much daily), i hope to find another girlfriend (not to replace them but) to at least be in the same COUNRY, well prefably town as me.
Good luck! I hope u find her, she’ll be one lucky bff!
xx
LET ME TAKE A CRACK AT THIS. COME ON LET’S CHEER YOU UP:
Having a best girlfriend is a lot like this:
Sometimes it’s like this:
And it’s great when its like this:
But, let’s not let it get to this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdYlkPO5dFk
XO.
I literally have that exact relationship with my sister (except we do share clothes). I’ve never been able to establish real friendships with other girls. I always feel like they’re impossible to trust and be completely comfortable with. But over the past two years my sister and I have really become best friends. As cliche as it may sound, she’s my other half. I move to new york next week and I hate that I have to leave her.
You should have your own reality show titled “Alexi’s Potential BFF”. It certainly couldn’t hurt. Love the 90210 picture reference, makes me nostalgic.
These things are possible; I’ve experienced it and continue to experience it. I often joke that I learned how to be functional in romantic relationships based on how functional and close me & my best friend were. I mean, your boyfriend should be your best friend, right? Just with sex included?
Actually, people used to think we were lesbians in high school because no one could get over the fact that we were just that close and that supportive of one another and spent that much time together. But, nope, never kissed her in my life! Hug her all the time though! And, we manage to have different circles of friends and life plans, etc.!
I trust her completely with my life. I know she would never do anything to intentionally hurt me and vice versa.
Just remember – now that you know what you’re looking for – NEVER SETTLE.
agreed . i feel like its so much easier to find a boyfriend , than find a girl best friend , its quite ridiculous
that’s why my bfff is gay. i know him since we were six years. he’s beyond any friendship.
We should totally be bffs.
alexi, we would be the perfect duo.
Unfortunately, girls will always remain bitchy, envious, talk shit about others because they have multiple complexes, and they will never be able to interact with other girlfriends without ever comparing themselves to them and/or be jealous and/or mean and/or bitches. As much as I would like to confide in a girl and not behave all paranoid, it’s quite impossible since I’ve perpetually been proved wrong every time I trusted them. And that little ‘subtle’ look they throw at other girls from top to bottom to check out what they’re wearing, ugh that’s the last thing I need, a human scanner!! Yadda yadda life is miserable.
loneliness is totally inevitable!
i’ve had this problem too. never had a best friend. people just flake or get hurt over nothing, or don’t realize how good they have it + take advantage of kindness. it gets harder as we get older because people become less and less accessible.
i have a hard time respecting people. if they are this flaky + wishywashy in their friendships, how can they be reliable in professional circumstances? bleh. everyone is bad at their jobs.
I’m a little surprised to read this, as finding a BFF is like finding a boyfriend. It just sort of happens, and sometimes it lasts many years, sometimes a short time. I’m 42 and I’ve had many BFF’s over the years, some I thought I would stay friends with forever but ended up not. One particular BFF I ‘broke up with’, a friend for over 10 years, we just grew apart, and she drove me crazy. I’m lucky in that my BFF now, is someone I went to school with and although we’ve not been in constant touch, we’ve drifted in and out of each’s lives. We now live around the corner from each other (by accident) and she makes me feel part of her family. A total BFF.
i completely agree with Monica. not to be cynical but to be completely honest in my experience with girls. my expectations may be too high to find someone who is loyal and will be my rock when i need to rant/whine/be overwhelmed! i have yet to find someone who won’t claim they are there for me, but when they get overwhelmed, quickly run to a mutual friend and tell them that i’m overwhelming them with whatever i’m going through.
also, most of the girls i seem to encounter are flaky and can’t have a conversation about anything besites pop culture/shopping/small-talk. if they are substantial, they are caught up in boyfriend drama or are making extremely terrible self destructive decisions and are unstable.maybe the people who are worthwhile are all busy and caught up in their own busy lives?
what you said in your last post about girls getting upset over little things/taking shit personally-i can’t stand that either. i had an incident not too long ago, when i told my friend (to her face) that i thought she looked like a famous celeb in their younger years. i meant it totally as a compliment, but she grimaced and was kindof awkward. later i found out from a mutual (female friend) that she was horrified and i made her really upset by the comparison. what the hell?! i meant it in the nicest way possible.
maybe i’m too forward, honest, open, and opinionated for girls. and that just might be how it is.
oh well.
best of luck in your search.
I hope you find that “safe, cozy, girly bubble”, Alexi. I just think it is kind of a bummer that if someone was bisexual or a lesbian you wouldn’t be able to feel that way. Because a lesbian best friend would automatically want you to ‘learn about their clit’, right? And that would probably violate your ‘safe, cozy, girly bubble’. Because queer women, are like, totally predators who can’t have friends without wanting to make them feel unsafe.
Grow up. Good luck with that friend search.
it’s really hard to find this sort of friendship with a woman. i’ve kind of accepted this and appreciate my girlfriends for the rather limited but still lovely friendships we do have.
GAY MEN, however– they are the best. shopping, laughing, giggling, fun. that’s where i’ve found the best friendships outside of boyfriends.
in reply to Mary above: lesbians are certainly not predators. i dont think that is what alexi means. if you’re best friends with a lesbian the question of sexuality might exist in the same way it exists when you’re friends with a straight guy. it doesn’t necessarily, but there’s the possibility. i think alexi is saying she wants a friendship where that possibility doesn’t even exist to begin with.
that’s not even what i meant mary. my point was: i don’t want to sexualize this fantasy friendship i’m describing with anyone! gay, straight, bi, whatevs!. it was a joke….’ And you’re not even bi sexual- Let alone a lesbian. So why am I even explaining myself?’
this was a fucking joke MARY. um, i’m pretending to have a deep, intense conversation with someone who doesn’t exist. i’m having a manic rant /conversation with myself! it’s a fucking joke. it was a detail to make the letter more specific as if i’m speaking to a specific person…… and i kind of am, cuz this post was inspired by someone (but only loosely inspired)….. who actually isn’t gay or bi btw, but that doesn’t mean i don’t want a gay/bi bff…. yikes!
and besides, why are you soooo defensive? fuck, why am i being so defensive. i shouldn’t have to explain myself.
on 2nd thought, i think we both need to chillax.
you sound like you need to get a little more comfortable with your own sexuality. geeze. xo
I, word for word, know exactly how you feel. I need the same thing in my life right now.
I think a lot of women have trouble befriending other girls, but I would encourage some of the commentors on this post to realize that sometimes, these things aren’t about gender. It’s a little disheartening to hear someone describe all girls as “bitchy, envious…with multiple complexes”. Women can, of course, be like this. So can men.
I would hesitate to classify these characteristics as purely feminine. There are a lot of great friendships to be made, ones just like this entry describes!
I’ve always had a hard time finding this kind of friend – but I’ve always been looking. It’s been years since I was close to a female, and I miss it every day. Here’s hoping you find yours, and I find mine!
I have found myself to become friends with alot of girls that don’t know how to have girlfriends. One was my ex-roommate. She was a fantastic person, seriously inspirational to me, a middle child, who didn’t know how to set boundaries and do what I wanted. She was a youngest out of two, and she had a brother, but she didn’t really know what to do about girls because she didn’t have girlfriends in high school and she didn’t have a sister… you know what I mean I think. I also think it takes alot of patience to be friends with girls who haven’t had girlfriends for a while or ever because sometimes they forget that you can be a team now, for better or worse (if the girls are kind and all) and that you have to take each other into consideration sometimes when you would usually only think of yourself. And that can be hard for anyone. But I know it’s possible, it just takes finding that right personality in that right person and the little click! that happens when you finally connect. Basically, you’ll find one I think! And I’m usually right!
i haven’t found a potential best friend who encompasses all these things, YET! but I’ve found fragments- here and there- in different people -
i a can say that i know how you feel i havent ever really had a BFFF, somepeople think im wierd im just not a follower
i like different things & i just want someone who understands that you know.
This is all totally possible and the boundaries you set are key
- don’t be friends with someone to borrow their clothes ! You want someone to be themselves not you !
- no calling dibs on dudes ! Girls need to learn that they are awesome and their friends might be just as awesome so let the dude figure it out so no girl vibes come up .
- everything else totally spot on
Plus I think you should add some things
+ challenge me on my shit – if I am totally out to lunch on something let me know and ground me before I go off the wall . Don’t do it just to be right but do it so in the end I am right !
- honesty . Be willing to give it and take it .
- tone down the jealous . We are obviously friends because we are both awesome and cool so understand there will be fans on both ends – so just be comfortable enough knowing you have a great person in your life that others admire and I’ll do the same .
- sincerity . I want to be happy for you for whatever is going on and only wish the best for you.
I hope you find your girl or girls – I’m still working with mine – takes some patience but totally worth it in the end .
if a girl’s tongue is pierced does that automatically mean she loves giving head? i vote yes.
I know exactly what you mean! My best friend lives in Florida, and while i have lots of great friends in LA, none of them are the kind of friendship you’re describing! and i also hate it when girls call dibs on guys! it’s so annoying! i have one friend that does that and it drives me crazy. or she makes us a “we,” and then whenever she feels bad about herself brings me down too, as in “we’re so bad with guys,” or “what’s our problem?” or “why aren’t we skinny like her?” Ugh. I also want a friend to see movies with, get my nails done with, vent about boys and help me pick out date outfits, have crazy nights out where you get together for breakfast the next day and try to put the pieces together, and of course tea at fancy hotels sounds great too – i’ve been wanting to try the London! Anyway, at least know you’re not alone in your search! And I’m totally down for watching real housewives marathon anytime!
Remember Miss Alexi—-you always have 1 bff Yourself!sometimes ur worst friend too but in the end you have you and that is special.xoxo,Love & Respect.
Penguin in the wind
i have this friend, and it’s the best thing in the WORLD!!!
You’re on the blog Hipster Runoff – http://altreport.hipsterrunoff.com/2010/08/alt-skank-vlogs-abt-her-huge-floppy-sideboob.html
If you have trouble making friends with our entire gender, perhaps it’s not THEM, but YOU.
you’ll find her, doll. and together you’ll do great things. like scour antique markets for art glass ashtrays. bonne chance xx
Yep, you should have one of these horrible TV shows when 25 girls compete to become your BFF. Kinda like Tila Tequila’s shot at love (don’t think they lasted very long but it’s all good, you’ve got more credibility).
Just messing. I thought I had that with my best friend but distance made us grow apart. Kind of like a break up. I miss it and hope I can find another confidente BFFF someday.
i love my bff… she is more than that she is like a sister to me.
i can honestly say that i would trust her with my life.
we’ve known each other since we were 10..we are 20 now, and through out the years our relationship has gotten so much stronger she knows everything about me and vise versa..im so lucky to have her. =D
Alexi,
The friend you describe is something that I think deep down, all of us females out there want to have in our lives. We want to believe someone will always have our back, shoot the shit with us, and just plain old waste the day watching cooking shows if need be after a wonderfully joyous night of mayhem. I’ve been through many girl friends in my life at the ripe age of 21, been through the drama like we all have, and luckily, I can say that while I don’t have the one BFFF in my life, I do have a few that I know, no matter what, will be there for me. Each of them brings unique qualities to the table, and while they are now dispersed across the US and have not met each other, each of them has changed me and made me the unique person I am today.
I have a bff for shopping, a bff for having an amazing, crazy night out, and a bff for being real and hiking and doing nature-related shenanigans. I guess what I’m trying to say is that like you, I haven’t found all these super crazy admirable qualities in one person yet, but I believe that it might be better that way. Having a few great, amazing girl friends from completely different areas and backgrounds has allowed me to experience a wider range of things, and when it comes to having someone to relate to when it comes to life’s experiences, I know that one of them has gone through it already
.
I really admire your ability to completely bare your heart and soul with confidence and zero BS. It’s a quality that I think would intimidate a lot of other females, but with the great and admirable intentions you’ve proclaimed in regards to finding your BFFF, know that one can be found. While I have found mine in the form of a few, those great girls who are the friends we all wish to have do exist, and even better, they oftentimes wouldn’t mind letting a girl like you become one of those great friends in their lives. Everyone could use another person to depend on, one more female who is on their side, and any girl who thinks otherwise, is playing childish games that should be left well behind by now. Have no fear, and look forward, while your qualities might intimidate some, KNOW they are secretly among the many other females wish themselves and their friends possessed.
That last video? Girlfriend knows how to lay it down
Hey girl hey! If you are looking for an arch nemesis let me know!! xoxo
alexi, what the hell kelly taylor stole brenda’s man! she was an awful friend!
I think we all want a friend like this but is she really out there?
Me and my best friend are like this! We even went to vegas and saw cher and were going to see chippendales!
Join our pack alexi!
ill be your best friend… the only thing is i dont like coffee…
i miss having a best friend like this… we were everything you listed except boys managed to get in the way… and now she cant be my friend anymore apparently…. this has made me miss her so much….
sigh..
xx
I’ve got mine.
Just last night she called me at 2 am because of boyfriend shit. We’re always there for each other.
And we figured out the guy thing once it happened to the two of us and now our rule is exactly what you said.
I’m from LA and true it’s harder to find legit people in LA. Never knew what a true friend was until I met my bestie for life Jalissa (who is from WA) circa 4years ago. Our friendship is everything you explained except we are both to broke to get mani/pedi’s, instead we share one box of $1 mac and cheese out of a giant bowl (cause everything taste better when its in a giant bowl)
I’ve found that girl, with all the deets you listed. It’s pretty great, even though we got in a huge, screaming fight on Friday night. Keeping looking. It’s totally worth it.
I’ve found that girl, with all the deets you listed. It’s pretty great, even though we got in a huge, screaming fight on Friday night. Keeping looking. It’s totally worth it.
i have the same problems, women friends come and go in my life. i get sick of them after a while. i guess i’m looking for someone more like myself. thankfully i have a bff in my sister, husband, and mom and dad
You had me at “don’t even wanna borrow your clothes. This isn’t about that! I don’t want to lend you money or borrow money”, I too have anti-besty issues. The last dame I decided to trust was a total prude and failed me by judging me all the fucking time. Alexi, to be totally honest after a certain age I don’t believe best girl-friends exist and I’m only 20! Well actually it’s not that I think they don’t exist. It’s just that they are extremely rare.
i’m just gonna say what everyone else has already said… where do i apply!!
hi there,
I’m writing to you from Australia. My friend Casey just showed me your page and I felt inclined to tell you about my friend Celeste. We share most of the details above but despite alot of effort boys have been a bit in the way lately. You’re very cool and you remind me of the way myself and my friends talk, very honest and very bold. My friend Celeste has a blog called “shortgirlsguidetolife.com” I miss her so much and have been feeling rather replaced by another girl lately (although I love that girl also to pieces). Celeste is a person that makes everyone feel good about themselves, she is completely outrageous. But anyway…thank you…you make me realise that I truly need to mend whattever we lost of late. Because I miss washing each others hair and talking about sex without getting looked out weird like ive spilt waaay too much information. Goodluck in finding you BFFF but I should warn you these things cannot be forced and you have to take the good with the bad. The most important thing is to be you, you seem like the kind of girl that doesnt hold back on information, if you can find someone completely honest and driven like yourself you’re bound to find your miss bff in no time…just don’t expect perfection.
I think the jealousy/ undermining thing is mostly an issue with younger girls (-25). I used to experience this a lot when I was younger. After some growing up, most young women realize that it’s useless to undermine other girls to make themselves feel better and start to support each other instead.
The insecurity issues go away as you get older and you will start to find a lot of friendships like the one you describe. Also girls: restrain yourself from doing the judging/undermining thing to other girls, sometimes you find yourself doing it without realizing it I guess. Confront girls when you see them doing it, without judging them. Girls need to be sisters, not competitors.
I went from having no girlfriends to having a LOT of them in the last few years. Girls rock!
im 19 n i have this exact friend u described..me n my bestie have been friends for 9 years n going strong. It is defiantly possible and Im sure you will find a best friend
Dear girl who wants to take over the world with her wonderfully sarcastic blog,
I really do hope you find this friend you describe (she sounds pretty AMAZING). I, like you, have only found glimpse of what you describe but in various people (never in 1).
The one thing I have learned is that a friend should make you feel as follows:
Whenever you two are together you feel like your wildest dreams aren’t so wild. You feel exhilarated, kind of invincible. You feel like your high… ON LIFE! And you never wanna come down from that high. Laughing is effortless, and taking over the world together… well, it’s what you guys discuss over tea.
aww someday it’ll happen! I’ve been lucky enough to find 2 really good friends to do things with!!
i have her. she rocks. she thinks the boys i like (skinny on heroin lookin hipsters who play in a band or 3) are disgusting and in turn i hate her super jock crushes. we shouldn’t work but we do. and she makes the best tea ever(extremely important to friendship in ireland!)
Come to NYC!!! We’ll people watch and try to make it on Missed Connections, and going out lookin all types of cute and makeout with random boyz.
Luv you.
What you wrote was beautiful and I am so lucky and blessed to have a best friend like that. We have been best friends for 17 years and we are so lucky to have found each other. Brooke S–I love ya!
Why is it so hard to find cool girlfriends!? I have some sweet friends and all but none who are really into the things I am, and I feel like I am always compromising conversationally, socially, and it blows. I should start a dating type website for cool girls to meet other cool girls. I live in LA, cool girl seeking cool girl, friendship style.