BLOG » ‘where have i been?’ – a manic rant (part 1 of 2):

i don’t know if you’ve noticed, but my stories and rants have been lacking lately. I’ve been seriously blocked. blocked by breakups, unresolved feelings, a death in the family, five of my most serious ex boyfriends calling me out of the blue all in the same week; one of which i lived with & was engaged to- who called me up to meet for tea and then told me he’s having a baby with his new gf! and I’m OK with all of it. but i was stuck when it came to writing. maybe too many things happened for me to process. i collected too many stories and i didn’t know where to begin. the following is one of many rants to come- just some of the bullshit at the forefront of my mind. i love you:

I’m single again. I have been since the end of February. And immediately after that breakup, my back broke out bacne styles! and when it was on the verge of healing, I would sabotage myself by picking at my face, back, eating too much, tweezing my bikini line, shaving everything off (and by everything– I’m vaguely referring to the hair on my privates. And by privates I mean… how dare you!/my vagina.) I did this cuz it was my way of making sure I didn’t allow myself to be naked in front of anyone. There’s no way I’d fuck some dude if I had bacne and/or some botched vadge quaffe. No fucking way! personally, i can’t have sex if i don’t feel sexy/like how i look.) i was self sabotaging.

This was also my way of having some sort of control over myself/in my life/over my feelings. Some kind of calm and order within the chaos i wasn’t even aware i was feeling.

Even though he doesn’t know it/won’t believe it/whatevs– I was extremely jolted by how quickly I fell in and out of lust/love with my last boyfriend of two months. wait, is two months only considered a fling? oh well, who knows/who cares?! Either way, it was something intense and I hated that my feelings for him changed. I went in with such an open heart and the guy was and is great, just not for me- so when I realized it wasn’t right for me anymore and the timing for a relationship at all was bad in general (but is that really a real excuse even? doesn’t the right person negate timing issues? no! you know what? i truly believe timing is a real determining factor in whether or not a relationship will work. ‘timing’ in regards to how busy you are or how emotionally developed you are in that particular time in your life), it manifested in the worst way.

I didn’t cheat, I didn’t punch him in the face, I didn’t try to run him over with my car or anything- Instead I forced him to witness me wrestle with myself. suffer my annoying girly shenanigans of trying to force myself to stay in something that wasn’t right for me anymore, with one foot in and one foot out.  I was confusing, i was full of mixed messages, closing off emotionally, picking fights, trying to make him break up with me. I just didn’t know what to do! I was buying myself time cuz even I wasn’t a hundred percent sure how I felt. I didn’t want to NOT be into it anymore. i DIDN’T want to be over him! i didn’t want to feel this way. i wanted to feel like i did before, head over heels crazy about him. but i just didn’t anymore. and once that’s gone, you sure as hell can’t force it/re-create it/make it up/or fake it. it’s an invisible halo that hangs over two people and once it evaporates- it ain’t coming back muthah-fuckah. or at least, very rarely does it come back.

The dude was/is a sweetheart and a babe. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I was shocked how quickly my mind could change. But it did. And when that happens, it’s chemistry, you can’t fake it. It fucking sucks. (yeah, i know this chunk was REDUNDANT- a lot of this story is! calm down!)

When it ended, I was relieved for BOTH of us because it was out on the table and I didn’t have to waste his time anymore. I threw myself into work. sure, I had a make-out here and there, but no desire to get naked in front of anyone. I made myself a little bit more ugly every day- literally picking on my self and thinking thoughts like: you’ll be lovable when- your skin clears up, when you lose ten pounds, when you’re successful, when you have more money, when you have a nicer car, in an alternate reality, in a time that may never come and you might just waste your whole life waiting for it- but keep waiting. I’ll keep you posted me! i thought these things and way worse things about myself/for myself (and every so often, still do) every time I looked in the mirror. And when my scabs/pimples healed and hair grew back or god forbid I actually liked my body (which is way more rare than me hating it) i wouldn’t know how to feel. i was confused. it felt uncomfortable to feel OK with myself. (to be continued)

23 Responses to “‘where have i been?’ – a manic rant (part 1 of 2):”

  1. maybe you should spend less time on your blog and more time trying to be a better person. stop using bullshit excuses to hurt people and then writing them down as “pep talks” on the internet… i’m sure you’re waiting for the positive comments to start rolling in that will help you ignore the fact that you really are as bad as you think you are. i used to come here because i thought you were so cute and charming now its to remind myself of what to avoid in a girl.

  2. Frankly I think your fantastic,
    (a true comment rolling in) You can get nice and fake anywhere from anyone these days, but I like coming here and listening to your rants and love quarrels. It makes me less harsh on myself, because in the end we are all experiencing shit, just in different ways, although sometimes the same. I even pick that up by reading other reader’s comments exclaiming, “wow we are soo alike.” Taking the words right from my mouth..

    -btw, kinda confused on the where this story fits in on your timeline (as you’ve noted it’s been a while since you’ve written) Which guy was this?

    Love you fucker,





  4. uhm justin k, maybe i’m wrong, but aren’t you doing what you are blaming her for? what is that saying again? one blames others for what one does himself.. or something like that. anywayssss you get the POINT RIGHT?

  5. uhm justin k, maybe i’m wrong, but aren’t you doing what you are blaming her for? what is that saying again? one blames others for what one does himself.. or something like that. anywayssss you get the POINT RIGHT?

  6. I like how you are honest and real with your readers. No one is perfect and I admire people who are honest and open about who they are and the mistakes they have made. Your honesty makes you that much more relatable. Thank you again for another great post.

  7. Thank you for being so raw & real<3

  8. fuck. its like you read my mind and wrote it down. I’ve been through that exactly. but now I think I may like the guy I had lost feelings for again. which is really, really awful.

  9. and justin k… youre a fucking asshole. really you are. good luck finding a decent girl when you say shit like that dude.

  10. Justin K, you are a douche. Alexi, I’m totally in that head-space right now so thanks for writing about it……It’s even worse going through this stuff in Sydney, where there are NO straight men so you end up feeling like a big ugly freak.

  11. I’m going through this right now. Except replace 2 months with 2 years and a lot more commitment to break away from.
    I still don’t know what to do as it is so comfortable and easy to stay, and we live together, but I’m hot and cold like a facet. That, plus another guy in another state who I can’t get out of my mind… it all seems a little messed up.
    I guess it’s nice to hear that it isn’t just me.

  12. Welcome back, Alexi. xoxo

  13. thank you.

  14. I kinda thought Justin K must have been the guy from your story… I’m a little older so some of the advice is wee, wheh…but I LOVE things like “if you can’t tone it, tan it,” “If you are the only one of your friends who isn’t cold, then you’re the fat one,” and that recent line about the only magazines that you should display are the ones that you are in…if there aren’t any, then you aren’t working hard enough. Totes cute!
    Ta tas,
    p.s. Def don’t pick…and I’m sure you’re totally skinzles. JS, just sayin’…

  15. I very rarely read the blog on a weekday, I wait until Saturday to read through the updates of the week. I read it today and… sounds like what most of us do, don’t it?
    Sabotage is what I do best, often times, to myself. You’re very brave. Very very brave.
    Love from Mexico City <3

  16. i was wondering about you! it’s strange to get attached to someone’s blog who you don’t even know.. but when i see you on the york commercials… i say HEY I KNOW HER! and then i wonder how you’re doing as if you’re an old friend. take some vitamins and love yourself! everyone else loves you.

  17. what do you call the acne on your forehead and where does it come from.

    ps, you need a vacation. somewhere far away where you don’t know anyone and mebe there’s no internet.

  18. You are fantastic, and I love reading your blogs.
    Justin K, you obviously don’t understand/get with any women. Alexi is a great person, she gives reality checks that everyone needs. Sure they may hurt at first, but whoever gets said reality check benefits from it in the long run. Don’t hate on her because you are an ignorant male (redundant? probably). Good luck finding a girl without any of these thoughts/actions.
    Getting off the subject of him, I’m glad you are getting back to writing rants. Hope you find that man you have been waiting for. You deserve it.
    Much love.

  19. you are amazing and i really fucking pray to god that you don’t think your value corresponds in any way to your skin, money, or success. cause it fucking doesn’t. you have a cute personality and i’d still be amazed with you if you were a disease ridden homeless man.

  20. i just discovered your blog and you are my new hero. im dying to know what ur friends and family say about ur blog?

  21. thank you alexi for being so raw, and honest.
    it almost made me cry a bit, because how you felt about your boyfriend is how i feel about mine, even though i know logically i should be thrilled….once it’s gone you can’t get it back. and the guilt is crazy. it’s nice to know i’m not the only one

    also i don’t think you’re trying to get compliments, i think you’re just trying to express yourself and thats really cool and it’s so brave to be so raw and open, and to say things that don’t always paint the “perfect” picture of you – it would be so easy to make yourself sound perfect, but you keep it so real.

    i think that is why you’re the only blog i follow that is made up of more words than images – because you are so real.

    i love your blog!

  22. It always amazes me that beautiful girls rarely (sometimes never)feel beautiful. And the worst part is, girls will obsess over something that guys don’t notice or don’t care about. I can’t tell you how many times a girl has tried apologizing for/nervously mentioning something about their appearance, and I’ve had to say “Uh…I didn’t notice that, and now that I did, I don’t care. So…we ARE going on a date, right?”

  23. a) josh, shut up you’re a faggot.

    b) being a pain in the ass, and having a ton of shit to say doesn’t men you’re a smart person

    c) *five* of your most serious? on what scale? are you sixteen? i’ve fucked tons of people, and granted, i paid most of them, but i can only remember three of their names. i had a protracted relationship with each of those three, but clearly, it was not incredibly ‘serious’ – i have to know, did you guys all just meet for dates at the library and wear little tweetable business suits while reviewing options indexes? why so serious?

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