BLOG » ‘where have i been?’ – a manic rant (part 2 of 2):
i felt compelled to start the cycle again. the control of ruining myself a little, then healing, then hurting myself. like a cutter . I would look at myself naked when I’d heal and think, ‘shit! Now I have nothing to complain about. i have nothing to keep me hidden in my apartment, or feeling bad/and hating myself. i don’t have my secret project that keeps me feeling like I have control.’ So I’d eat too much, or start the cycle with tweezers again, or tune out while I went into a facebook trance while my right hand would do home surgery on my face and/or back. My controlled chaos/anxiety reliever.
Somehow with therapy and time and learning to remind myself to be nice/kind to myself or at least not so fucking ruthless (cuz if I’m not nice to myself, who else will be/why should anyone else be?) and through my therapist telling me that my issues aren’t gonna go away over night and that’s OK and to look at being kind to myself as a life long practice, that i should begin now- I’ve felt better. i have to look at being nicer to myself as a perpetual life practice from now on. it’s life work- never ending. and not to be so hard on myself, to treat myself like I’m my own daughter. he even suggested i carry a photo of myself as a kid (which i did) to basically remind myself of this daily.
My skin is kinda healing- the peel at my dermo helped, along with retin a, aczone, neutrogena grapefruit salicylic acne wash, st Ives apricot face scrub in naturally clear AND fresh skin (and no, I’m not being paid to give them shout outs (unfortunately), and meetings I had no choice but to have some self control/look nice for.
only NOW am I STARTING to date again. these dates are few and far between (at least according to my usual standards) cuz dating can be stressful and scary! plus I barely have any time. but I’ve finally slept with someone for the first time in 6 months. I’ve had some make-outs, given several blow jobs- one klunky, another I’m proud of- you know… I’m living my life!
but mainly I’m trying not to literally/figuratively pick at myself, hate what I look like, and self sabotage. when it comes to being mean to myself, I’m the worst! I always have been. no one could ever be meaner to me than i already am/have been to myself. I love to think for everyone else and decide what mean thing they may or may not be thinking of me. it’s another tactic i use to feel as though i have some control over my life. I like to assume control by beating the other person to the punch. but it’s a lot of work, energy, isn’t always accurate, and keeps me from getting close to people- Usually men, but now that i think about it, probably girls too! is that why i have so few female friends? well that AND the fact that i can’t sexualize stuff with woman- the way i can with a man, and the fact that my dad raised me to be a bit of a female misogynist, but I’m really trying to over come that. also, girls call dibs on guys, and that’s annoying! and girls can be catty and mean when all i want them to do is love me like the sister i never had. but i can be catty too, and I’m probably expecting way too much too soon. but ALSO, now that I’m getting it all out there, woman get mad so easily over tiny details, sometimes not all the time. anyway, this is a whole other post for another day.
The point IS, if there even IS a point, is that I feel like the fog has finally lifted. I’m in therapy. I have a meal delivery service that helps me feel like I have control over my eating habits (cuz I still can’t buy a box of cereal without eating the entire thing.) I have no desire for a boyfriend, but for the first time in 6 months I have moments when I think ‘it would be nice to be in love with the RIGHT person- a guy who’s my best friend who shares the same sense of humor and life goals as me, so we can be partners and make eachothers lives better. But those thoughts are FLEETING and only when I’m pms’ing. But they are around, which is a start.
but mainly I’m work obsessed/driven/and ambitious. which is great! am i right sistahs? where my ladies at? barf. you know what i mean!
i’m happy to be single. i need to be single. I’ve wanted to be single. being single is one of the best things in the world! and with my being an only child, I’m very good at being on my own. sure, all this could go out the window tomorrow and i could fall in love and change my mind to ‘wow! being in love is the best thing in the world!’ (cuz it is too) but today, this is where I’m at. the tweezing has stopped, I’m writing again, and there are many more blow jobs/sexy tawdry love affairs in my future. i love you.
I’ll be nice to you.
Hey, I called in a few weeks ago to your radio about being newly single (from detroit). It’s weird ya know, like time almost goes slower. On top of it all after breaking up with the dude, and feeling alone, my room mate is moving out (mixed emotions about that) and my dog got hit by a car and died. Now I am really alone. But fuck it, I’ve been trying to dig it. I’ve been trying to take a bath NOT a shower everyday, work out, keep my place uber clean, work on my portfolio, listen to music that would make the hippest hipster look lame, and flirt. FLIRT WITH EVERYONE. And I read your blog, I think you are very easy to relate with because it’s true—- Ultimately we all just wanna be loved. I heard this quote the other day and have been trying to live it “don’t sweat your future, you could have a much more exciting present if you really wanted to.” That’s totally a pick up line but it’s true. I mean, gotta make some plans, but i’m done worrying. LOVE YOU!
i love you too!
I’m going through similar problems. I’m learning to be kinder to myself. It’s a lot easier to be kinder to someone else than it is to be kind to myself and that’s the issue. I’m having to rethink and treat myself with respect by not thinking horrible things and spending time getting to know who I am and what I want. You can’t be in healthy and fulfilling relationship if you do not love yourself completely. Thank you for being open. Love you
I love you too Alexi. Glad to hear you’re working so hard on yourself, you deserve to be happy. You’re a lot braver than i think most of your haters give you credit for! Be proud. I’m happy to hear your blowing dudes again too.
you are great…and you are
BOYCRAZY…literally. but sometimes i feel like you should stop thinking about dudes idk… guys arent everything.
dont get me wrong, im not hating… love ya<3
I wish i lived in la so i can have a small chance to meet you and talk to you. Alexi, you’re so genuine and so raw with who you are and your own issues tht I feel like I’ve known you for a long time. It’s like an abstract friendship. This post hit closer to home with me, and I can relate to you quite a bit, but instead of sabotaging myself, as a means of control, I had almost the opposite. I’d be self-fooled into picking at myself and starving myself with the “intent” to make myself look better; if I didn’t look good to me I wouldn’t go near boys. Maybe that’s why I don’t get any– look at me! now i’m opening up and spilling out my deepest thoughts on a blog’s COMMENT SECTION. Anyways, I love you and that’s all.
I’ve missed your writing & I can really relate to this 2 part post. You’re great.
Your RSS feed is broken ! The Atom Feed is not working at all, and the RSS feed gives me: “Order Prozac No Prescription – Reliable Online DrugStore”.
When I read this, I thought that it looked like something I would write. For a while, I was my own worst enemy, but getting out of that mindset was the best feeling in the world, so I’m glad to read that you’re headed down that road
<3
I adore your blog and your blog radio-casts. I love you because you remind me that you are a REAL person with real problems – you are not just the beautiful girl I see on the york commercials. Thank you for putting this out there. You may do it for your work, but I am so grateful to know another fun girl feels this way.
thanks for being real.
It must be scary, sometimes, for you. thank you for doing it anyway.
But you need to realize you are beautiful and you deserve all the good you can get and some more.
I’ve always wanted a sister. Will your mom adopt me?
I think you’re a way cool girl, and I mean this in the most sincere way…but at some point, don’t you think discussing all the dudes you blow / fuck, etc, could have an adverse affect on future guys’ affections? Yes, everyone does it…but it’s another thing to air it…
wish you the best…
this was comforting to read. i screw myself up in similar ways.
Great, honest writing. Not to be corny but thanks for sharing. Love you too.
I just started reading your blog yesterday after seeing the write-up in what I think was an old copy of LA Weekly.
But I’m hooked. Not for the sex stories and not for the kitschy pictures of Macauley Culkin (Ok, maybe that had a little something to do with it…). More so becuase you’re strumming my pain. You’re singing my life. And in the words I could never find, too.
Please keep writing. You’re helping more that just yourself.
<3 you already.
I have a damn cereal problem too. In fact as I was driving to work today chowing down ..I hit the breaks and the box flipped off the seat spilling half the box on the floor of my car, I was sadly relieved because that was half the box that I wouldn’t eat!
ill be nice to you
You’re awesome chica, it’s going to be a-okay. You keep working for it, we’re all behind ya. Go for it.
baby, i have been doing that my whole life and am only starting to realise i should maybe stop now and love myself.
thanks for being so honest and truthful about everything you’re awesome bubba. lovee.
I love you Alexi, we’re so alike in many ways. My friend suggested to do YOGA or any other means of meditation.
I don’t know, but I think I might work. You know? Maybe?
Lexy this took a HUGE amount of honesty and STRENGTH! And I’m sure you set so many other’s free from their own cage of self hate. I never would’ve known any of this or thought this actually.
I look at you and see the interesting beautiful actress who killed it on THE DIRT,a funny chick who can roll with em,and a Mercedes H portrait…
I hope to meet you one day in one of my support groups lol!!!
i like your honesty.
i’m getting out of a similar sabotage cycle too.
are you into astrology at all?
looking at your astrological transists can be very revealing in regards to your impulses and thoughts.
Alexi, glad to hear that you are getting some therapy. I know it’s difficult to get close to people – noone wants to be hurt – so it’s almost as though your hurting yourself because you know you’re in control of it. It takes time to find the right guy – and not society’s version of the right guy, the right guy for YOU. I am a proponent of staying single for awhile for women, because it seems that women define themselves by being in a relationship, rather than define themselves by being who they are. I think you are definitely being who you are. But bouncing from guy to guy is just as destructive emotionally as you’re doing physically to yourself as well. Just be careful out there. We guys can be pretty destructive on our own to women’s psyches.
There are guys out there that will love you for who you are, ‘defects’ and all though. Give them a chance. Give the ‘nice guy’ a chance. Heck, there may be one right under your nose, who’s been there all along.
I wish you the best of luck, hope always for your safe return to the airwaves and life, and count me among your fans who would support you in any way possible.
hahahaha chill the fuck out. what are you, woody allen?
oh and when you said that you’ve been giving people blowjobs lately it made me so uncomfortable that i got up and walked around the block. tmi, mon frere, tmi.
yet i still read your blog! nice going.
I am currently loving getting to know who I am as a single girl. Yes I miss naked cuddling but it’s ok! You don’t need a boyfriend for that you know?! Thank goodness. I love you.
This post hit so close to home, I’ve been going through something similar as well. Lost my job in june, have been going out too much and being far too crazy, not dating anyone, not being healthy, and stressed about having my roommate move out. Instead of taking care of myself, I’ve been a total disaster and digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole! Your blog provides such great entertainment and is so comforting to hear other people go through their crazy phases of self destruction too. Looks like we could all use a group therapy session. Keep at loving yourself, because we all love you! Hang in there!
It’s a cycle, you’ll be in love with love again. It’s more fun that way. Wait, that’s what you said …
I like to read girls bitching about girls.
I’m fed up with this “women are open” bullshit. Women are the Terminators of love.
Eugen’s comment made me laugh. Alexi- that’s fabulous. I cannot stress that enough. You’re moving forward so much. Not without difficulty- but now you’re armed with new lessons and information that you’re going to have to keep reminding yourself of- but that’s going to make such a difference in the things you do. Things things you do and your positivity and newfound (again) openness are going to bounce off each other. And be patient with the girls around you like you’re being patient with the boys. The right ones will chill out and see you for you and totally dig it. And vice versa, of course.
reading this made me feel like i was reading something i wrote.
the other day my friend and i went to pyramid lake with an old friend who i use to hang out with in high school, her boyfriend, and his family. i realized that everything, not just love, travels in cycles. my friend’s boyfriend is 33, she’s 21. he has a daughter who’s 8. while i was there, even though i had the funnest time, i thought about the time when i was 8 and my dad was 33 and he took me out to meet with his younger girlfriend. i have a terrible memory and don’t remember much, but when my dad and my mom would split, he had other women. he was a handsome man. i just thought about how now i’m the 21-year-old who had a friend who’s dating a 33-year-old guy who has a daughter who i once was. it’s crazy how life is this cycle and the same situations happens over and over again.
i wanted to tell the kid — because i couldn’t tell if she liked my friend or not, that everything would be okay. i felt like i was looking in the mirror. it was crazy.
ps – girls do call dibs, and i hate it. it’s like, WTF, what if he doesn’t like you and likes me. what if he’s my soulmate, and since you call dibs i miss out on the love of my life. fuck that shit!
alexi, thanks for being so brave and funny. i too, zone out and torture myself. i fill with anxiety and pick at my skin and pluck away, as if though im trying to improve things, but i am only making it worse. i also have anxious eating habits. loving yourself is a full time job. youre right about that. dont give up! so many people think youre beautiful. you have unique looks and a great sense of humor. geez girl, what more could anyone want from you! and youre obviously full of love that you want to share. share some with yourself first! gah im getting cheezy. i dont like most people, and get along with boys more than girls. im also an only child! i really always wished i had a close girlfriend, it makes me sad. just know youre not alone! wish we could talk over cake.
xoxo
p.s. keep up TBLTB! it makes me lol just to think about some of the things you say throughout my day.
wow first post in a long time where i can completely relate. thanks for sharing that alexi! and don’t worry about a thing.. cause every little thing is gonna be alright
ahah so corny but this motto helps me to keep on going! <3
i’ve always wondered how you do it. how do you write about your private life and your problems, and become so vulnerable and pour your heart out to everybody, when the people who read your blog could easily tear you apart and judge you for it? you’re strong, that’s something i’ve always admired about you.
thank you! laura, i love that you wanted to say that to the kid! these comments are so great and loving and honest. thank you! thank you nico and ames and stephani and EVERYONE! i love you!
Hey Girly,
I totally know where you are coming from and have recently made similar discoveries about myself. Look up codepedency and see if it connects the dots and makes things more clear for you so you can start healing & recovering. Take care.
Alexi youre like 100% back, i missed youre writing, we love you!
Goddamn. I’ve missed your writing so much Alexi.
Um…Who’s the girl in the pic? And will she blow me? And if she won’t, will you?
Thanks.
try this vitamin for your skin, it saved my skin life, genuine health perfect skin. honestly amazing.
I’m sure people have said this before, but I could have written the exact same thing. I literally feel as though you have taken every single thought of mine and articulated it into words so much better than I could have. I have never commented on your blog, but I just wanted to say thank you for existing and keep on writing this amazingness! Much love. <3
i stumbled upon this blog a month ago and although i’m risking losing my “man card” by bookmarking it and reading it, it’s posts like this that will have me coming back.
my advice, gratis… keep writing, it’s therapeutic. keep putting yourself out there, it’s risk and failure where you learn the most about yourself. oh, and try a change of scenery, take a little vacation somewhere with a couple friends. try sedona.
i’m glad that you are starting to pick yourself up again! i wish that i could be as strong as you! love you, please write lots more
I get that way about girls, too. I also do not have many girl friends. It gets to a point where I really start to hate them. I guess my cattiness kicks in, like you said. And I tend to isolate myself and focus on me/my work/career/success/future etc. That’s great right! Positive net effect. But it turns into something I use against myself in my own picking apart sequence. “You don’t have any FRIENDS, you’re such a BITCH, no one likes you!” I look forward to reading a separate post about the trouble with girls.
This completely normal-looking guy at my work was telling me last night how he’s come to terms with the fact that he’ll die alone “because I’m so ugly.” I told him that the only thing keeping him single was his attitude, because he’s basically convincing girls that he’s not worth their time. He said “Oh no, it’s not like that. Girls have TOLD me I’m ugly and they wouldn’t date me.” And this guy really isn’t ugly, he’s just an average guy. It’s a shame that we all have our own insecurities but we don’t hesitate to be mean and critical to each other.
Nice Uffie pic, btw