BLOG » the blind leading the blind (part 50):
1. stop talking about your fucking wheat gluten allergy. NOBODY CARES! you’re giving great dudes everywhere a hard off. seriously. it’s a boner killer.
2. this fall, it’s all about ripped black tights.
3. don’t tell people you have cancer. it’s kind of a downer. for real. even if you’re OK with it, they get all weird. it’s like fame, it changes everyone around you. just something to think about.
4. sometimes all that needs to be moisturized are your elbows and your knee caps. Boom! Bam!
5. have all clothing you purchase put in a garment bag before you leave the store! oh, they’ll do it! all you have to do is ask. you deserve it!
6. a dirty fork in your car? Really? forgotten by you, and just laying around for weeks? Fuck you man! That’s fucking gross. Male or female. Gross!
7. for the love of god, take the price tag OFF the gift you tacky ass fuck!
8. if you see some fatty walking a trail, doing a hike, exercising near you or whatevs- be nice for gods sake! say hi or smile! Reward him/her with encouragement- cuz he’s trying to not be soo fat. But, like, don’t feed him as a reward- cuz that goes against the entire point I’m trying to make. PS: have a nice hike.
9. when looking for an apartment, these should be your requirements: upper (which means it’s on the 2nd floor of a building or higher! there’s less chance of murder than if you live in a lower), hardwood floors (chic, classic, easier to clean, dirt/grime can’t hide like it can in carpet), parking spot (a MUST! looking for parking at 4am is a recipe for disaster! and by disaster i mean rape murder- and not necessarily in that order even! not having a parking spot is not safe, sexy, or smart), dishwasher (heroine for the lazy), washer and dryer on the premises! (makes life WAY easier then schlepping your bullshit rags from urban, American apparel, or forever 21 to some coin slot/homeless haven!), and last: location location location! (live somewhere where you feel safe and can easily walk to cool stuff – in case your car breaks down. IE: coffee shops, cute boutiques, a grocery store, etc.
10. just because a large and in charge, African American female walks by doesn’t mean it’s OK/right to say ‘hey look, it’s precious’ to your friends. Not cool asshole! Not cool at all!
your comment about cancer actually made me feel sick. people living with cancer should be surrounded by SUPPORT, not made to feel like they have some dirty disease that they shouldn’t mention.
fuck you alexi.
that apartment information is way too relevant for me right now, thanks champ!
that’s very true harriet.
ha. i can’t even explain how much you’ve offended me.
love all of them
especially the PRECIOUS comment one, idk why most people who are not black say that precious joke. It’s ridiculous and annoying
so fucking annoying it’s as if i hear my white friends say it all the time about someone
ripped black tights are never NOT in.
Alexi,
You’re the best… I’m looking for an apartment in LA for when I make the big move in December and those apartment tips are just the thing I needed!
You’re kind of a big deal…and I love you!
2. ripped hosiery is SO last year! But it is sexy for some obscure reason.
6. I read as “a dirty fuck in your car”, which is better than a mouldy fork.
Assuredly, the comment section of a generally humorous blog is the proper place for harriet to voice her concerns about a serious issue.
The comment about cancer, and Harriet’s response to it, called to mind Susan Sontag’s essay “Illness as Metaphor.” If you’ll excuse the lengthy quotation, I think it might be relevant:
“All this lying to and by cancer patients is a measure of how much harder it has become in advanced industrial societies to come to terms with death. As death is now an offensively meaningless event, so that disease widely considered a synonym for death is experienced as something to hide . . . Yet the modern denial of death does not explain the extent of the lying and the wish to be lied to; it does not touch the deepest dread. Someone who has had a coronary is at least as likely to die of another one within a few years as someone with cancer is likely to die soon from cancer. But no one thinks of concealing the truth from a cardiac patient: there is nothing shameful about a heart attack. Cancer patients are lied to [and asked to lie themselves] not because the disease is (or is thought to be) a death sentence, but because it is felt to be obscene–in the original meaning of that word: ill-omened, abominable, repugnant to the senses . . . . Our views about cancer, and the mtaphors we have imposed on it, are so much a vehicle for the large insufficiencies of this culture: for our shallow attitude toward death, for our anxieties about feeling, for our reckless improvident responses to our real problems of growth, for our inability to construct an advanced industrial society that properly regulates consumption, and for our justified fears of the increasingly violent course of history.” (Sontag 8-9, 87).
In other words, Alexi, it might be true that saying you have cancer will change how other people feel/behave around you, but that’s because of their (or perhaps “our,” since we’re all part of this culture) fucked-up attitudes about cancer and what it supposedly “means” to have this particular disease, as opposed to any other similarly serious illnesses.
Which is perhaps exactly what you meant, Alexi. I think the problematic part is the way you phrased it–as if the person disclosing that they had cancer was somehow ruining *your* day. If I had cancer and chose to be open about it, knowing that our society’s collective fuck-up-ed-ness about the disease might make you feel differently about me, then that would be my choice. Please don’t tell me that I need to live my life in a particular way so as to protect you from being bummed out. That ain’t my job.
Just something to think about.
Alexi, you’re pretty funny… for a white chick.
I wish you would read a book about feminism already.
You are embarrassing yourself and damaging to young women.
alexi…didn’t you used to have cancer? at this point, i feel like you can say whatever you damn well please about it.
thank you ariel!!!! exactly!!! but people don’t know that. it’s dark humor. it’s a fucking blog.
Alexi–
Thanks for clearing that up. I think the fact that this came literally one sentence after the rant about people needing to shut up about their gluten allergies made it hard to figure out where you were coming from.
BTW, as someone who’s dealt with cancer and who writes, you should read the Sontag essay. It’s incredible, and she’s talking precisely about what you’re getting at here: people have weird attitudes about cancer and people who have it. I’ll tell you up front it’s not exactly a knee-slapping laugh riot, but it’s great writing and incredibly perceptive. (Sontag herself had cancer and had to deal with this bullsh*t herself, which is what inspired her to write it).
i love you. these make my day better, no joke.
I like your thought on the cancer part, i love it actually. cause u know what, u find out who your are true friends are, and who’s not. i can relate.
have a nice day, you, you & you
Susan Sontag was a communist muck-raking loser c!@t. Ted, she did not know shit from shoe polish, which makes me wonder…but I digress. Sorry for the rant, but she was a traitorous communist skank! I would take 10 Terry R’s over one SS any day! Love your post Lexi, I totally got it without the explanation
Comments should be 1 paragraph of less. Otherwise get your own blog so I don’t have to scroll past your essay!
Scott: Wow. Hostile much? I wasn’t commenting on her politics one way or the other. Her essay on how we think about cancer is almost universally acclaimed as a wonderful meditation on how we attempt to make meaning out of illness, and often the effects (often bad) of doing this. Your critique, such as it is, is not to the point.
Moz: If you want to enforce limits on comments on blogs, then you get YOUR own blog and enforce your rules. The only one who gets to do that on this blog is Alexi. To paraphrase my earlier comment, keeping you happy with the length of my comments ain’t my job, so please don’t tell me it is.
1. Time to get a life.
2. Touche!
omgz this is my fave column of any given week, seriously. maybe number 11 should permanently be something about what a boner kill it is when people take sarcastic humor seriously. I was so happy until i read the comments and it was like wah wah. i heart blind leading the blind forevaaaa.
I love everything you write but right now I’m a tad shocked, you joke around a lot which is great to read and entertaining. But the joke about cancer was too far.. My mum has lived with cancer, I have lost my close friend to cancer and my aunty. Cancer isn’t a joke, people get hurt and sometimes die. They need to be surrounded by support and loving people. What you are saying is wrong. Yes my opinion but you’ve just lost a follower on here, too far lexi.
but they asked about my wheat gluten allergy.
Geez people! Stop taking her cancer statement to heart!
I understand the fact that some readers have had someone close to them suffer from it.. and if you took time to read some of her previous blogs you would know that she had cancer herself. You have your standpoint of it and she has hers, which is something we should respect. After all it is her blog.
Amen!
Are you kidding me? Its precious? Who actually says that?
Are you kidding me? Its precious? Who actually says that?
Are you kidding me? Its precious? Who actually says that?
I love the way some are offended by the cancer comment, but I bet if you didn’t fucking know me and you met me for the first time at a party and I mentioned that I had cancer, You would shit your skinny jeans from target and not know what to say.
Why don’t you stop wasting your time on this blog be a hero and Join a support group if you really give a fuck,
which I doubt.
Fuck You Harriet,
get a life!
Dean
to all the commenters saying “i feel like you can say whatever you damn well please about it because you had cancer”, how do you know alexi had cancer? BECAUSE SHE TOLD YOU. she blogged about it, more than once.
so if she’s saying “don’t tell people you have cancer. even if you’re OK with it” then why the fuck did she get to rise above her own rules and write about it? isn’t that hypocrisy at it’s best?
and then didn’t you all jump in and comment “aww i hope you’re ok alexi. praying for you xoxoxoxoxo”. so i’m guessing none of you felt weird then?
how would dean, or any of you, react if someone had written “shut the fuck up alexi, you’re making me feel weird. didn’t anyone ever tell you to keep cancer to yourself? don’t you feel ASHAMED?”
alexi, you’re a joke. my only solace is the consolation that your own life must be so sad and unfulfilled that this is how you get your kicks.
i hope you get cancer again. and i hope that if you ever seek help someone tells you to fuck off, because you’re making them feel weird.
and remember, kids, for all of your future internet arguments: wishing cancer upon someone is a sure-fire way to get your point across. love to all.
Harriet, would you kindly fuck off? It’s obvious you lack any sense of humor or understanding, so why you’re still on this blog is a complete mystery to us all. Kick rocks bitch.
Tough crowd this week.. *ahem*
um dudes..ya’ll need to chill. this is a blog. and seriously, to say that you hope that someone gets cancer again? what is wrong with you? CHILL. i happen to really enjoy this blog. i get the humor and i think its fun to read. isn’t that the point?
The weird thing is I think Alexi, Dean, Harriet are actually more on the same page than they realize. Perhaps not wishing cancer on each other or telling people to fuck off (or fuck themselves, or whatever) would help. I dunno. Just saying.
I’m not sure who I like more: Harriet, Dean, or Scott. Harriet’s got this whole “boo-hoo cancer” thing on her side, I guess. Dean just…brought up jeans. Fuck you, Dean. I like my pants. Scott, though, is a fucking anger champion. Who the fuck gets mad about Susan Sontag? I mean, “muck-racking”? Is Scott my grandpa?
The Blind Leading The Butt-hurt.
I like this.
my mom’s being a bitch to me so I read this blog to escape,
and then I realized all of you are bitchier than my mother.
it’s alexi’s blog, let her do what she wants. I think we all have enough problems in this world, we don’t need to be bitchin’ on a blog post called “THE BLIND LEADING THE BLIND”…oh hey it’s titled that for a reason people!
It’s supposed to be funny entertainment, not a fucking political debate.
I love you all
who the fuck are you? wishing cancer on a person?
Sorry, about the skinny Jeans comment folks,
Im just mad because I cant fit my ass into a pair.
Dean
there’s a reason people act differently around others when they find out they have cancer: because it fucking sucks. harriet has a point — it’s hypocritical to write about having cancer, no doubt get flooded with sympathetic comments, emails, etc., and then say that it’s just a downer and shouldn’t be talked about. double standard.
also, why is it then okay to randomly be nice to a fucking fat person just because they’re hiking? hypocritical. stop writing things because you want to be edgy and can’t think of anything else. your blog is turning into a load of garbage.
no blogtalkradio tonight?
alexi was fucking joking. it’s extreme sarcasm. she made the joke because that was her experience when she had cancer. it was sarcastic. fuck you harriet. fuck you uhm. you don’t get the complexity of the joke. it’s to make people look at themselves and their behavior. it’s not so serious. it’s called the blind leading the blind. and if you don’t like alexi and her blog, don’t waste your time reading it and commenting. the joke’s on you. and to stoop as low as to wish that she gets cancer again? fuck you. you’re worse than what you originally got mad at alexi for and what you THOUGHT she meant.
Alexi: I fucking love your dark humor. I mean, fuck, you’re the Coen brothers of blogging. Your blog makes my whole day. Please continue on with instructing the world about how to fuck like a champ
Actually, I know what you mean about the cancer thing. I’m OK with talking about my dad dying of lung cancer, but I think I totally creep people out by being so open. But I mean…if your’e the one going through that, I guess you should be allowed to talk about it whenever the hell you want. Right?
And touche to everything else on the list! Sadly, I don’t think I can pull off the ripped black tights trend…I’ve got some muscular legs. And yes, I always give overweight people a little smile of encouragement when they’re working out. I never know if that’s insulting or not though?
Ha ha ha I’m w/ Moz, its a comment not a conversation…word. Please continue to blog like you don’t give a fizzuck.
The answer to your question about love is one of the tennants of Hedonism…we run towards pleasure and avoid pain…by asking the question you are actively engaged in Hedonism…Love is a pleasue that never stays the same so altho it may seem that you are saying “Does this love last?” or “Can this love last?” in reality you are asking “How to continue to find love (with or without the same person)”…one quick point…now that you have heard or read the word “Hedonism” do you realize all of the “crazy” that you do is…wait for it…wait for it…Hedonism…so so oldman George
yooo alexi, is this drawing of you ..
http://www.beck.com/colorspace/ ?
Alexi, I must know, what’s your opinion on VAJAZZLE?
oh my, such a shitstorm in the comments. i love ittt.
God, you’re just such an absolute fucking idiot.
Are you talking about about Zooey Deschanel in that gluten comment? Cause even though she has that allergy, she’s still way prettier than you.
Have you considered to adding some sort of social bookmark link to your blog? It will be easier for me to save such a nice blog.
It’s embarrassing when people can’t take a joke.
Im many ways humor can hurt a lot more than the facts. In this case, Lexi’a cancer comment was neither funny nor well thought out.
Having lost both my parents and my godson to cancer, Harriet’s response was dead on. One of life’s lessons is learning to apoligize when you are wrong and at your age Alexi, you Should have already have learned that lesson. I do enjoy your blog, but in this case, You are wrong.
K
I’ve never commented, but all these comments kinda compelled me to.
I find it sad that people who are spitting vitriol towards Alexi are totes missing the point. If you’re going to jump on her jock strap about making a comment about HER experience with cancer then you have to jump on her jock strap about the billion other things she’s said that could be taken as offensive. No one’s jumped on the fact she called someone a “fatty”? I mean, if you’re going to be disparage her for a cancer joke, perhaps she should be chastised for using a fairly offensive nickname.
That said – HEY YA’LL IT’S HER BLOG. SHE NEVER CLAIMED TO BE PERFECT. In fact, Alexi is quite open ABOUT NOT BEING PERFECT – omg! How refreshing! All the comments here are about cancer have to do with the commenter: “My dad had cancer. My mom had cancer. I knew someone who had cancer.” So if you didn’t know anyone with cancer…it’d be ok? TALK ABOUT HEARTLESS!
I think ya’ll missing the point – if anything, she has touched a nerve in many people that started up a dialog and that is never a bad thing. I mean, someone posted Susan Sontag! How awesome was that?!
If you’re looking for politically correct commentary or an in depth analysis on race/gender/illness politics in America…you may not want to read a blog entitled I Am Boy Crazy. Just sayin’.
Alexi – I love you!
wow I can’t read this shit any more
stop being an asshole
it’s not cute
girl you´re so full of shit, you´re just a white trash anorexic, who thinks is funny, pathetic
Harriet….Its a fuckin blog!