BLOG » secret face:

what I’m about to tell you isn’t gonna feel good, but it could prevent you from sabotaging yourself: people don’t want to see your ugly, make up free face. shhhh! I’m right! just listen. Even if your skin is clear and skin tone is (for the most part) even- they aren’t used to it. do yourself a favor, and keep your makeup free face AKA your ‘secret face’ to yourself/hidden!

In an age where everyone is airbrushed/photo-shopped to death, don’t think for one second that it’s OK to leave your house to go to Starbucks (even if it is JUST around the corner) to get your grande nonfat (good girl fatty) single shot latte- sans makeup you fucking retard! Are you trying to be alone and laughed at for the rest of your life? No? Well it sure as hell seems that way motherfucker! I don’t care if you DON’T run into anyone you know (even though you TOTALLY will). I don’t care if you aren’t trying to impress anyone. I don’t care if you’re already in a relationship and aren’t looking to attract anyone sexually! This is for your own good! Don’t dim your light, and by ‘light’ i mean face.

Remember what the artist formally known as, who might also be known again as ‘Prince’ once said to Carmen Electra when they were dating/he was mentoring her?! Don’t worry, I do! He told her never to leave the house without makeup! how can you argue with Prince?! why would you want to? Sure, Carmen’s style is/was extremely questionable- and probably always will be, especially for the demographic! But the makeup part still rings true! Men are visual beings! Fuck, women are visual beings too! So get in the goddamn game. Do yourself a favor: At least throw on some tinted spf moisturizer so you don’t get cancer/appear to be your own worst enemy! And while you’re at it- how about a quick swoosh of mascara?! Would that kill you? cuz i don’t think it would! Pow! you’re in the game! Effortlessly chic! it’s called covering your ass! I know you don’t care and that you think I’m setting the women’s movement back like a gazillion years, blah blah blah. Shut the fuck up! I’m not. And when you run into the dude of your dreams or the girl of your dreams, you will silently thank me.

on a side note, just something to ponder: two lipstick lesbians do NOT cancel each other out! not at all. they’re called a POWER COUPLE!

(but back to my point)….. And if you DO run into/meet a babe at the Starbucks and you’re all raccoon eyed and sallow and yuck- don’t even think a casual aside like “oh no! busted! I’m totally not wearing makeup! Don’t look at me! Avert your eyes! i was just on a hike.” will charm him into forgiving/forgetting your ‘ugly moment’. it won’t. it won’t at all! it’s already too late! first impressions die hard. Oh, sure, he’ll laugh and say ‘huh? Stop! I didn’t even notice! I prefer girls without makeup. Makeup sucks. you look fine!” But really, the impression has been made. you are now, officially… not hot. Fuck yeah, he’ll fuck you! A hole is a hole is a hole! I’ve told you that! But you’re no longer a catch. you’re pretty much a sloppy bag-lady.

So, let me help you help yourself: in general, men don’t think/can’t tell you’re wearing makeup when you’re just wearing tinted moisturizer or cover-up to even out the green/grey/purply/blotchy pallor that is your face. They don’t even register that you’re wearing mascara! These brain-dead losers that I want to fall in love with you, they just think those are what eyelashes look like all the time- from the minute you wake up to the minute your head hits the pillow. So when they say, I prefer when women don’t wear any makeup, what they REALLY mean without realizing it is that they like SIMPLE/LIGHT makeup! You’re welcome/i love you/good-luck. (A make-up tutorial in video form to come soon!) Xo, me

56 Responses to “secret face:”

  1. Well, this did it. I officially will never come back to this blog again. You’ve hit a new level of stupid. I actually wonder what your sad life is like when you’re not dishing out this drivel on your blog.

  2. Alexi, I was waiting for you to snap out of sarcasm-mode and follow up with a little note about how wearing no make-up is liberating and perfectly beautiful.
    I don’t intend this to come off condescending, but I think your attitude is extremely influenced by your location.

  3. I’ll match you and I’ll raise you.

    I’m all for pulling yourself together before you step out the door. Tinted moisturizer (with SPF!!!), blush and chapstick. I don’t use mascara because I tint my lashes. I think making an effort shows that you care about yourself. And I don’t think this attitude is LA centric. I notice women all over the US and around the world who look put together (vs. ladies who don’t make the effort).

    Sadly, I wish women (and men) would put more effort in how they dress before they step out the door. In LA ( Land of Uber Casual), jeans and flip flops (or Uggs when it dips below 80 degrees) is the de facto uniform, but it just comes across as lazy. And uncreative. Or possibly laundry day.

    Be bold. Break from the flock of sheep and put some thought into what you are about to put on. Trust me, with good posture and a smile, people will notice you.

  4. I’ve got an additional tip for anyone who’s bothered to read all the way to the bottom – you don’t necessarily have to base every facet of your being around trying to be totes cute if you’re an interesting person with a modicum of intelligence. Unless, of course, you’re particularly fond of dating sack-jawed neanderthals.

    And unless you’re a big fatty fatty, of course! Lol!

  5. I usually love your website, Alexi, but I really really hate how much trash you say about peoples’ looks.
    I’m in highschool, so I KNOW there are people who will believe all your bs about having to wear makeup all the time or that a full-fat latte will automatically make you 500lbs. While I know I live a charmed life as a distance runner, able to eat what I want, but really? Um, no.
    The worst thing is that you believe that you’re not worth anything unless you’re a stick-thin makeup-slathered airhead.

  6. There is nothing worse than seeing a chick who thinks they need to impress anyone by ‘putting on a face’. Maybe I’m just more down to earth than most.

    FACT: I prefer chicks without makeup. And I’m not the only one. So the next time you think about saying ‘everyone’ wants this or that, put that ‘you’ prefer it instead because you are not the omniscient force you think you are.

Leave a Reply