BLOG » the downfalls of a new crush:

Oh shit, I just remembered what it feels like to have a new crush. suddenly every-thing’s flooding back: All my weird behavior and neurosis that run though my mind when I meet a new boy and let him get close to me. Late night make outs are fun, until I get that intense fear of being looked at as a burden and the guy asking me to leave the minute he cums. So I get defensive and dressed before he has to silently panic that I might spend the night. I won’t even entertain the idea that he might actually mean what he says- if/when he says ‘you should sleep over.’ I feel like everything’s a lie. That the longer he knows me, the longer I’m near him- the quicker my appeal and mystique fades.

So I try to be one step ahead of the game. even if he says and does only nice things and is smiling- I’ll totally write his evil narrative for him! I know how he really feels. right? He wants me to go. He’s over it. I’m a hassle. I’m in the way. So I act tough and make jokes to deflect being vulnerable or needy or sensitive. If I just keep moving I’ll be fine. Being alone is so much easier, cuz you don’t have to deal with seeing yourself and your behavior reflected in someone else.

I wonder if I’ll ever break this habit. I don’t know how I could. My mind is always going! And the sad thing is, what if I’m just hyper aware/tuned in to the reality of the situation? What if I’m right? The saying: ‘show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her’ makes me so sad. I never want someone to be bored with me. I always want to be special. But if that ultimately fades with every guy you meet, then I have to be ready to protect myself and close off at a moments notice.

I hate how hard it is for me to believe that a man might really want to hold me all night. I hate believing every negative thing my father or my guy friends have ever said about women in my presence. Wahhh, boo hoo! i have daddy issues! Yawn. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I punch myself in the face for my cliche bullshit- on your and my behalf! But I still make it difficult to live in my skin sometimes. Am I intuitive, damaged, or just haven’t found the right guy yet? I’m all of the above. And the thing is, I’m not even looking for validation from a man anyways! I’m happy. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life. But it’s scary to think that if I just want to be happy and coexist with/alongside someone of the opposite sex, who’s cute and fun to be around- I make it so hard for myself.

So until I figure it out, I’ll just continue to go on slight emotional roller coasters when I have rendezvous with boys. a night-time get together/hang out sesh goes like this:  I start off nervous, then become happy, making jokes, which leads to kissing and rolling around like 15 year olds, which leads to sexy times USA/intense kissing and deep eye contact, which leads to my feeling emotionally safe, which leads to me either giving a blow-job or having sex, which leads me to shutdown the minute it’s over and I see that the dude looks sleepy and way too relaxed to chat or do anything else but sleep. meanwhile, I’m having an internal panic, which the dude has no clue I’m having- where I decide he hates me and wants me out of his sight and is closed for business. So I smile and say, ‘I’m going home’. And even if/as he walks me to my car, I feel like he’s annoyed by the obligation. And I know he’s so relived to be rid of me.

Yeah, I’ve really got to stop this. Cuz it’s as painful and self destructive as cutting, binge eating, and/or picking at your face.

xo/I love you, Alexi

ps: or maybe i just wanna get my clothes on and go home so i can watch the shows i dvr’d, check facebook, perez, twitter, craigslist missed connections, and have a mini snack and/or earl gray tea with half and half and honey, take a bath, and sleep in my own bed (cuz i can’t sleep in someone else’s bed or have them sleep in mine early on in knowing them). hmmm. at this point in my life, i’d say it’s 50/50. either way, I’m  aware of how i am and i hope it gets easier! xo, me


56 Responses to “the downfalls of a new crush:”

  1. It’s unbelievable that you’re going through this just as I am. I do the same thing! I just can’t possibly get being hurt from relationships in the past out of the back of my mind, because I know that no matter what this guy’s like and how nice he is to me at the beginning of it all, he will eventually not even want to be my friend (like my last ex, what a fucking joke). I am well aware that you have to disregard getting hurt and just go with the flow and not miss out on the happiness, and pretty much the whole package of everything else combined, but I just can’t do it! I’m not naive. Instead, I’m bitter at 19 and straight up considering never getting married anyway. I know how to make myself happy and am just that afraid of being hurt again.


  2. When you leave, does the guy end up calling you? I’m curious to know and I’m curious to know if that’s the reason you leave — that you don’t want to get your expectations up, so you kibosh anything first. As corny as it sounds, if you like the guy, try — if you can — to stay esp. if he asks you too. What’s the worse that can happen? – he doesn’t call, you feel weird, you’re vindicated and can say you’ve been right all the time OR, it could work out. It could be the start of the something. If you want to find love, you gotta try some scary stuff sometimes, and just trust someone else. Nothing will ever be as exciting as the start of a relationship — is that what’s holding you back? You want to keep that feeling?


  3. BTW, love you, love your writing — you may not know this but you are wonderful and lovely. much love to you.


  4. it’s like you’re inside my mind – you’re incredible, lady! xo


  5. Ahh I do this, too. Except even more – every time I text him or hang out or anything I’m sure I’m being annoying. I have this terrible fear of being annoying. And then I think, what’s wrong with me? I’m going to drive myself crazy if I keep worrying about everything! I’ll just be myself and do whatever I want! And then I probably AM annoying.


  6. If you just relaxed for a minute and stopped worrying about shit, you’d be fine.


  7. And did you ever realize YOU are the one breaking guys hearts by LEAVING THEM after you “got what you wanted???” Jesus.


  8. so much love for you&your writing. such a highlight on my google reader.

    and-alexi- you are such a prize to be fought for & won. this guy-or any other model/actor/photog/la dude- is lucky that you would even return their call.


  9. ok james. i will consider that and i will relax.


  10. Ahhh this is how I always feel! Which is bad!! its one of the problems I have and I know I need to change it. I think its just an automatic response because I don’t want to get hurt in the end. One way to change is to be more positive going into the relationship. If you go into a relationship with these worries and negative thoughts, then your never going to be happy throughout the duration of the relationship. So just stay positive, and have confidence in yourself ! :)


  11. Um, so why are you sleeping with them? I know you mean well here but you’re basically saying you’re being a cum dumpster. Keep your pants on til you find someone not treating you like one.


  12. Alexi you are so dope. I love your sh!t. Don’t ever change! (unless you get a lot of fame/wealth/pretty clothes. Then its totally cool to act different IMO.)


  13. Loved this blog, I can so relate and I did feel like you were inside my head…. thanks!


  14. I absolutely love this, it has really touched me because its what I always feel except I don’t actually run home I let go let myself stay over but then I am the burden and what I thought at the start turns out to be true.
    really love this!please keep writing xxx


  15. I think maybe I am the old guy here, but here goes. AW, you are just fine, the “boy” is probably just fine, too. Be reciprocal +1, expect reciprocation, if you get recip -1 move on. Keep a wheel book, if he recips +1, blow his freakin’ mind soon after, and see if he does the same. That is the charge you are lookin’ for! As for pops issues, I don’t know what to tell you.


  16. Lets start from “here how it starts”: Woman that look like Alexi or one that look like me with tits and a wig have the exact same problems. It’s fun to fuck someone on a chance meeting or date. Your certainly don’t have to but sometimes it fun. Sometimes it validates all your fears and you don’t even feel like jerkin off when you get home.

    Maybe my estrogen levels might be too high (the depakote is working) but I would have loved to have been,that guy, in bed with her hearing that entire rant. What more fun is there is bed than to talk before after or having no sex. Clothes off in bed sometimes pushes the roller coaster of the edge. Many times it is quiet and awkward yes. Maybe the guy came before she got her pants off. She would be hysterical in bed explaining herself. That is some intimate stuff, encourage it. You could miss an opportunity of at least having someone great to hang with


  17. You’re overthinking it, dear. Just enjoy the ride. If you meet the right guy, great. If you don’t, no loss. You can’t hinge your happiness on others. I certainly don’t let women define my happpiness. And, folks, there is nothing wrong with fucking around; who are we to argue with 2 million years of evolution?


  18. You’re overthinking it, dear. Just enjoy the ride. If you meet the right guy, great. If you don’t, no loss. You can’t hinge your happiness on others. I certainly don’t let women define my happpiness. And, folks, there is nothing wrong with fucking around; who are we to argue with 2 million years of evolution?


  19. It didn’t occur to me that someone else was as insane as I am. I always do that ‘Thanks that was fun but I’m going home.’ I don’t think boys realize that internal conflict.


  20. How about NOT thinking all this bullshit and just feeling confident with what you do ? But hey, why take the easy road, it is so much MORE fun to just not allow yourself to be happy and believe everybody MUST hate you bc. you are SO boring/a slut/whatever.
    The mind is really good at creating any kind of delusion, why don’t you try that one where people like you instead of the other one ?


  21. Hey,
    I’ve been reading your blog on and off since about a year.
    You’re witty and funny, and you more often than not get things right!
    I totally get what you mean in this post. I have daddy issues too (yeah…boring shit to say but sadly true)…it’s hard to grow up with a psychologically abusive dad who on top of it all is a mysoginist and a homophobe…right I disgress.
    L.A is prolly a weird place for the “dating scene”, I am French and things are different with French dudes (no fear of judgement here, no play or rules).

    Anyway, I think you’re a beautiful girl, smart and I don’t see why there would not be a great guy out there for you. You just need to meet one who is as cool as you are…

    As for the relationship issue, yeah it does get different with time, but you build something else. I am in a relationship and I admit I miss all the little things you feel when you have a crush and don’t really know what’s going on.Gosh,I miss that! But now,I have a BF who tells me every day I am the coolest girl even if my boobs are not that big (yeah, I like honesty!), he will come to my place in the middle of the night if I can’t sleep because I’ve just watched creepy/moronish videos about aliens and things like that…

    I wonder if the boys you date read your blog? How do they react?


  22. The center of the world is inside yourself.


  23. Non-reciprocal blow jobs for guys you can’t even manage to stay over night with? That’s just sad and degrading.


  24. Alexi, I’m a fan of yours, but this is the stupidest post I’ve read on your blog yet


  25. This is the perfect description about how I feel ALWAYS, and yeah I enjoy a lot being alone afterwards anyway, so if the guy is thinking about how annoying he is getting because of me, what helps me to not to panic at all is saying..whatever, you how no idea what I really think about staying over anyway ;)..Thanks for sharing it!!!


  26. I FEEL EXACTLY THIS WAY! i really have nothing else to add. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!?


  27. Adam’s got it right. Do what you want to do and stick around for a bit if you feel like sticking around (or letting him stick around). When you get involved with someone you have to know that you might not be what they’re looking for (and vie versa- you might not be looking for him)- but it won’t always be the case. It is super hard to shorten up this answer because you can’t apply one answer to every situation that might be crammed into feeling like this.. but don’t decide for other people. And by that I mean assume he thinks this or that.

    There are some huge underlying issues here.. when you say “get bored with you” or is through with you– and that you’ve been around people who have been so negative towards women- you are not just your body- and you should be careful who you let get close to it. People that are going to throw you away don’t deserve it. Also- feeling emotionally safe and then offering a blow job or sex- that sounds dangerous.


  28. that is so sad that you feel that way! maybe they just aren’t the right guys? i used to always always feel like one other commenter said, “worried that I was always being annoying” –until i met one guy who NEVER made me feel that way and it was literally SHOCKING. like, i didn’t know this was what it was supposed to be like… but now i know.


  29. so glad youre writing actual posts again !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  30. The timing of this post is impeccable.
    …Like looking in a mirror.


  31. Fuck! this was my exact experience this weekend!!! I freaking hate that!! All i kept thinking was, oh gosh, is he really sleeping over? okay, this is weird. woah. you dont want to leave. you dont have to stay. then he stayed. and i didnt hear much from him the rest of the weekend and im a freakin messs!!!!! (no sex, just talked allllll night. even worse, i think)


  32. “Being alone is so much easier, cuz you don’t have to deal with seeing yourself and your behavior reflected in someone else.”
    Beautifully written, but is this really such a scary thing? It’s an opportunity to learn and grow with the help of someone else. From the way you write I never pictured you to be an insecure person. I guess it’s in the best of us.
    Either be cautious and warm up to it, or dive right in. Either way life is to short to be scared of intimate connections. That’s a joy of life you don’t want to miss out on. The only person that can let you down is you.


  33. I meant the post below about make up is stupid, not this one


  34. I am really glad that you are so open and write stuff like this on your site. Cause so many girls (including me) can relate to it. I recognize so many things. For example, i prefer the guy to come over at my place instead of me going to his house to meet up. If the guy is at my place, it’s up to him how long he stays. I don’t have to worry about being in his way/wasting his time or him wanting me to leave (but is too polite to tell me). Plus, if he wants to stay the night at my place, I really know that he wants to be with me that night!
    I don’t know why girls feel the way they feel in this situation. Guys should be happy that a girl like us would wanna spend time with them! 
    With me i think it even goes further, i even feel miserable when i call the guy i have a crush on. After we hang up, i keep torturing/punishing myself wondering why the hell i called him again! Because, you know, he probably didnt wanna talk to me in the first place but is too nice to not answer my call. Or I analyze every word I said on the phone and assume he probably thought it was a boring conversation/I am boring and thinks ‘why does she keep calling me’.

    I have to stop doing this. You have to stop doing this. Every girl has to stop doing this!

    Too bad it’s not that easy to stop..


  35. Please just think about this for a minute:

    I haven’t had sex in three years. I’ve been on maybe two dates in the last three years. You all are having these negative feelings AFTER you’ve managed to be charming/beautiful/whatever enough to get someone to go home with you!! You’re taking something WAY for granted that a lot of people would be really really happy about!!


  36. you rock alexi :)


  37. I usually enjoy your blog and the things you have to say because they encourage girls to be confident and secure with their sexuality, however I feel that this post is much the opposite. By publishing a post like this you, are perpetuating the misogynistic attitudes that dominate our society. What saddens me is that a seemingly confident and beautiful girl like yourself can allow such objectification and the fact that so many girls seem to be able to relate. The problem is not the guys you are choosing to sleep with but the approach you are taking to sleeping with them. They should be lucky to have you in their bed and should be extremely grateful to be having their dick sucked by you or any other girl. In return they should be eating your pussy or finger fucking you and if that is not the case then their dicks shouldn’t be getting sucked. Women are not passive objects that are used and then discarded when done with. By allowing this to happen, you are encouraging men to continue to treat women this way. I shouldn’t have to tell you this, because many of your other posts have already preached it. Girls should never assume they are a burden or that they are being “annoying”. We have the pussy, and pussies mean power.


  38. Wowow people are giving you so much shit for this post, for overthinking, being not being confident, for perpetuating misogynistic attitudes etc. but everybody overthinks, and it’s good that you got all these thoughts out onto the blog; although there MAY have been some bad points raised, there are plenty of good points that were brought up, which really reflects how the process of self-contemplation really is.
    I’m not dealing with the same problems obviously, cause I’m a dude, but I understand how the ‘overthinking’ process for sure.

    Lots of people are commenting as if they’re beyond the experiences represented in your post when they’re really not! Mistakes happen. But you seem smart and can fix it anyways.

    ps. you’re still probably blowing it out of proportion, haha


  39. It’s unbelievable how much I can relate to this. The day it was posted, I was also beginning to deal with a new crush. I rarely develop sincere ones, but when I do, I always act the exact way you described. It’s such a horrible habit. I’ve spent the last week panicking over this new guy in my life and over-analyzing every move he makes. It’s incredibly exhausting and I feel so emotionally drained.


  40. i fell in love-at first sight-on halloween. and now he’s moving.

    i check missed connections everyday. it’s basically for entertainment purposes. i have published several, and always get creepers/completely wrong men replying back to me.


  41. alexi, you just have to act like you belong. ALWAYS. the most confident people don’t put up walls to protect themselves—they stay wide open because they know that whatever comes their way they will handle it… THAT’S confidence. i know a person that is ENGULFED in the human condition as much as you are can appreciate the meaning of that.


  42. duuuuuuuuuuuude. nail on the head. you hit it.
    i love this post so much.
    and i love the guys comments vs. the girls comments.
    just fucking hilarious and real.


  43. I can’t say I’ve never felt this whole self doubt thing when it’s the beginning of either something or usually nothing at all. And as true and common it is amongst all girls (and guys too though, just the good ones) its so incredibly ridiculous!

    It’s pointless to worry about if someone who REALLY cares about you will find you boring. Because chances are if they really do care about you and are that into it, they aren’t going to see you in that light ever. Unless that is of course if you really do let your existence dwindle to practically nothing. Still!

    Ways to not feel like shit:: don’t fucking have sex with someone right away, or in my mind even worse: giving them a blow job. Seriously though giving head is kinda degrading especially in the circumstances of you just meeting the person. What screams overy willing and almost or maybe desperate more than being down to just give a guy head right away.

    Don’t put men at a higher point than yourself. If it’s the kind of guy that actually might see you as a drag, then why the fuck would you even want that anyways? That’s not going to be anything good in the long run. Big inconvenience to walk a girl to her car you just had sex with. Even if they’re tired, they should still be the least bit giddy inside that they met someone JUST like you feel towards them. If not, then fuck the whole situation. ITS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME/EMOTIONS/ENERGY.

    Girls need to give themselves more credit, power (not too much) and respect. We make the calls just as much as these guys.


  44. Hi Miss Wasser,

    First off, I just recently discovered your blog & I Love it! (You’re Dangerously Addictive And I Can’t Get Enough!)

    Second, Congrats on the deal with Showtime!
    Seeing your blog come to life on TV will be Amazing!!!

    I think on some level Everyone can relate to how you feel…

    We all over think things especially when it comes to
    relationships and you’re just being honest…and for
    that YOU ROCK!

    And for those comments from people who are giving you tons of “Crap” (excuse my French) about this post…these people are just in denial…

    Relationships would be a whole lot easier if people were just more open about how they feel with one another…but our hearts and hormones tend to override our brains & all common sense goes out the window!

    I’d like to tell you…”Oh yeah Alexi don’t worry the older you get it all gets easier and it all works out” but honestly I’m 28 and I have the same feelings you do about just finding that girl, like you said-I can coexist with
    and who’s cute and fun to be around…I think it’s just human nature, we all want to find love and just be accepted by another person, someone who will make
    us feel special and who understands how we feel…

    I’m a hopeless romantic and I don’t know much about Love & Relationships but I do know one thing, Alexi…

    Any guy would be Lucky to date someone as smart, witty, cute, & funny as yourself! I think once you find that special someone that takes the time to get to know
    the ‘real’ you, all this stuff will just fade away with time…

    I don’t know if you Actually Read these Blog Comments…but if you do than Keep Up The Great
    Work! You Rock!

    Much Love & Best Wishes!
    -Brandon


  45. Alexi…babygirl,
    Just to get to the point (b/c i have stuff to say for dayzzzz about this story) the most interesting and entertaining part of this is…when you’re having the “internal panic” which he has NO, supposed idea about, he totally does know and that’s one of the probs. Vulnerability, from a strong woman, is easily read b/c the vibe is thrown the fuck off no matter how you’re masking it.
    I totally get this entire scenario and it’s fucking hilarious. So interesting that despite our strength and potential indifference to the dude in the first place we feel these things. Props. Love to love you.

    ps. I didn’t read any other comments, so you may have to excuse my redundancy or ignorance pertaining to your situation and/or storytelling.


  46. oh, and missed connections? STOP
    hahaha, ur the shit


  47. thanks for your honesty. we all go through this stuff. just so you know i am in my late 20s and i am just entering my first relationship. imagine how awkward that is! anyway, keep your chin up – you will definetly find someone who makes you feel like you deserve to be treated like a princess. i did and i’m totally weird. there’s a lid for every pot girls.


  48. Brandon,

    That was the corniest comment of all time. Seriously, that was worse than a marathon of Full House episodes. Never again.

    Thanks in advance.


  49. Relax and enjoy the ride honeybun.


  50. I love your honesty, wish I could spill my guts like that, but since we are being honest, I feel exactly the same way about everything you just said. *high five* for daddy issues and insecurities, but good think we are pro at being witty and sarcastic!


  51. Such a big excuse for being a slut. That’s ridiculous. I’m a girl, and I’ve been through a lot, I also have those daddy issues you talk about, and I find it hard to trust guys. But fucking someone and leaving the minute after isn’t the solution. You have absolutly no dignity. I mean, I get the fact that you do that because of your insecurities, and because you don’t want to bother those guys you fuck with. But you end up being a bitch. Everytime a guy does that, we call him a dick. But when a girl does the same, it’s acceptable because ‘she may have some self-estime issues’. That pisses me off. And if you keep doing it the easy way, you will never find anyone to love you.


  52. I have to wonder, how soon after you meet someone do you grace them by allowing them to have sex with you?
    Is sex a starting point these days?
    You sleep with some dude you just met because you think that will bookmark you in his mind and he might call you?
    That’s fine if that’s the plan, but don’t then complain when he hits the door right after sex.
    “Thats what guys want.” you might say, and for alot of guys, I’m sure thats true.
    For me, I dont WANT a girl that will sleep with me right off the bat. What does that leave? What’s more intimate?
    Sharing your thoughts and dreams with him?
    I’m sorry ladies, but you shoot yourself in the foot by giving yourself to a guy too soon.
    Sex with a woman is a gift from her. Remember that and act accordingly.
    If a guy is willing to put in the time and effort, doesn’t that show that he’s interested in more than just a piece of ass?
    Wanna just be a piece of ass? I’d think that you’d want more for yourself and have more self-respect.
    Good luck Alexi
    C.


  53. this is me in a nutshell when it comes to dudes. every single part of it is spot on.


  54. fucking love this. Exactly.


  55. ~,~ I am very thankful to this topic because it really gives great information “;’


  56. I love this post…A male friend just sent me the link b/c we were talking about this VERY point! I was def relieved to hear that others felt the same way…this opened my eyes a bit too after reading the responses. Its not all men that have made me feel this way (and not just after a one night stand thing…this has been in relationships). I have noticed it more when the guy has been a bachelor for most of his life (no long relationships and never married, etc) and NEEDS LOTS of alone time. I am trying to get over this though esp after talking to more of my guy friends about it cuz I think its in our heads (for the most part)!


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