BLOG » the downfalls of a new crush:

Oh shit, I just remembered what it feels like to have a new crush. suddenly every-thing’s flooding back: All my weird behavior and neurosis that run though my mind when I meet a new boy and let him get close to me. Late night make outs are fun, until I get that intense fear of being looked at as a burden and the guy asking me to leave the minute he cums. So I get defensive and dressed before he has to silently panic that I might spend the night. I won’t even entertain the idea that he might actually mean what he says- if/when he says ‘you should sleep over.’ I feel like everything’s a lie. That the longer he knows me, the longer I’m near him- the quicker my appeal and mystique fades.

So I try to be one step ahead of the game. even if he says and does only nice things and is smiling- I’ll totally write his evil narrative for him! I know how he really feels. right? He wants me to go. He’s over it. I’m a hassle. I’m in the way. So I act tough and make jokes to deflect being vulnerable or needy or sensitive. If I just keep moving I’ll be fine. Being alone is so much easier, cuz you don’t have to deal with seeing yourself and your behavior reflected in someone else.

I wonder if I’ll ever break this habit. I don’t know how I could. My mind is always going! And the sad thing is, what if I’m just hyper aware/tuned in to the reality of the situation? What if I’m right? The saying: ‘show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of fucking her’ makes me so sad. I never want someone to be bored with me. I always want to be special. But if that ultimately fades with every guy you meet, then I have to be ready to protect myself and close off at a moments notice.

I hate how hard it is for me to believe that a man might really want to hold me all night. I hate believing every negative thing my father or my guy friends have ever said about women in my presence. Wahhh, boo hoo! i have daddy issues! Yawn. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I punch myself in the face for my cliche bullshit- on your and my behalf! But I still make it difficult to live in my skin sometimes. Am I intuitive, damaged, or just haven’t found the right guy yet? I’m all of the above. And the thing is, I’m not even looking for validation from a man anyways! I’m happy. The happiest I’ve ever been in my life. But it’s scary to think that if I just want to be happy and coexist with/alongside someone of the opposite sex, who’s cute and fun to be around- I make it so hard for myself.

So until I figure it out, I’ll just continue to go on slight emotional roller coasters when I have rendezvous with boys. a night-time get together/hang out sesh goes like this:  I start off nervous, then become happy, making jokes, which leads to kissing and rolling around like 15 year olds, which leads to sexy times USA/intense kissing and deep eye contact, which leads to my feeling emotionally safe, which leads to me either giving a blow-job or having sex, which leads me to shutdown the minute it’s over and I see that the dude looks sleepy and way too relaxed to chat or do anything else but sleep. meanwhile, I’m having an internal panic, which the dude has no clue I’m having- where I decide he hates me and wants me out of his sight and is closed for business. So I smile and say, ‘I’m going home’. And even if/as he walks me to my car, I feel like he’s annoyed by the obligation. And I know he’s so relived to be rid of me.

Yeah, I’ve really got to stop this. Cuz it’s as painful and self destructive as cutting, binge eating, and/or picking at your face.

xo/I love you, Alexi

ps: or maybe i just wanna get my clothes on and go home so i can watch the shows i dvr’d, check facebook, perez, twitter, craigslist missed connections, and have a mini snack and/or earl gray tea with half and half and honey, take a bath, and sleep in my own bed (cuz i can’t sleep in someone else’s bed or have them sleep in mine early on in knowing them). hmmm. at this point in my life, i’d say it’s 50/50. either way, I’m  aware of how i am and i hope it gets easier! xo, me

56 Responses to “the downfalls of a new crush:”

  1. Such a big excuse for being a slut. That’s ridiculous. I’m a girl, and I’ve been through a lot, I also have those daddy issues you talk about, and I find it hard to trust guys. But fucking someone and leaving the minute after isn’t the solution. You have absolutly no dignity. I mean, I get the fact that you do that because of your insecurities, and because you don’t want to bother those guys you fuck with. But you end up being a bitch. Everytime a guy does that, we call him a dick. But when a girl does the same, it’s acceptable because ‘she may have some self-estime issues’. That pisses me off. And if you keep doing it the easy way, you will never find anyone to love you.

  2. I have to wonder, how soon after you meet someone do you grace them by allowing them to have sex with you?
    Is sex a starting point these days?
    You sleep with some dude you just met because you think that will bookmark you in his mind and he might call you?
    That’s fine if that’s the plan, but don’t then complain when he hits the door right after sex.
    “Thats what guys want.” you might say, and for alot of guys, I’m sure thats true.
    For me, I dont WANT a girl that will sleep with me right off the bat. What does that leave? What’s more intimate?
    Sharing your thoughts and dreams with him?
    I’m sorry ladies, but you shoot yourself in the foot by giving yourself to a guy too soon.
    Sex with a woman is a gift from her. Remember that and act accordingly.
    If a guy is willing to put in the time and effort, doesn’t that show that he’s interested in more than just a piece of ass?
    Wanna just be a piece of ass? I’d think that you’d want more for yourself and have more self-respect.
    Good luck Alexi

  3. this is me in a nutshell when it comes to dudes. every single part of it is spot on.

  4. fucking love this. Exactly.

  5. ~,~ I am very thankful to this topic because it really gives great information “;’

  6. I love this post…A male friend just sent me the link b/c we were talking about this VERY point! I was def relieved to hear that others felt the same way…this opened my eyes a bit too after reading the responses. Its not all men that have made me feel this way (and not just after a one night stand thing…this has been in relationships). I have noticed it more when the guy has been a bachelor for most of his life (no long relationships and never married, etc) and NEEDS LOTS of alone time. I am trying to get over this though esp after talking to more of my guy friends about it cuz I think its in our heads (for the most part)!

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