i don’t even know where to begin. i feel like I’ve put off writing a real, journal entry style post on this site for such a long time. for a while i just subconsciously decided i didn’t want to share my REAL feelings with anyone on the interweb, for real. i didn’t want to use this blog as a tool to help me figure out how or what I’m feeling – like i used to.

I’m in a weird place in my life right now. I’m single. I’ve only slept with four people this year. and i want so much for myself. i want my dreams to come true so badly i can feel them/see them- they feel so close. but I’m in this grey zone purgatory vortex waiting area. in between who i used to be and who i want to be/who i plan to be. it’s scary for me to write this. it’s scary for me to say that i have dreams and goals i want to come true (even though, yes, i’m not listing them specifically for you- but use your imagination) cuz if they don’t come true, then everyone’s witnessed me put myself out there and fail. but that’s why so many people are scared to say what they want for themselves and who they want to be. too scared to even admit to themselves, let alone say out loud.

i started this blog a little over two years ago. and i never stopped being obsessed with it. it’s my favorite thing in the whole world. it’s (for the most part) what my life revolves around. when i first started it, people i knew would say ‘calm down. you’re gonna get sick of your blog if you keep at it like this.’ well, i never did assholes! it’s changed my life. it’s made me new friends. it’s showed me that i can make people laugh and that people relate to things i write/talk about. that maybe i even make them feel less alone. and I’m so grateful for that. it’s made me happy and more confidant. it’s made me feel less alone too.

someone who really inspired me and supported me and even helped set up my website (until i had to bring in a professional whiz kid computer dude) was my ex boyfriend Mike. he had and still has a blog, a clothing company, takes photos, makes films- he’s a jack of all trades. he’s also the first boyfriend I’ve ever had that i could really be myself with. even more so than with my five year ex. he made me ballsy and was super encouraging and never got jealous when I’d interview cute boys. he wouldn’t watch the vids, but he’d read my stories and rants and lists. and it showed him another side of me. it made us closer. he got to see how my mind worked/my sense of humor. in the end, deep rooted differences in both of us caused us to break up (not the b l o g)… but I’m happy to say we’re still friends. we even did karaoke the other night with a bunch of people- which is funny, cuz we did karaoke (just the two of us) on our first date. all that aside, starting this site has changed my life. and in these past two years I’ve done a lot of growing up. I’m in therapy, i have a handful of close girlfriends (more than I’ve ever had) and amazing platonic guy friends. i love all the crazy adventures i have with my friends. and so far…. it’s been great being single.

but recently (the last week or so), I’ve been crying a lot. i don’t know if it’s cuz I’m on accutane- it’s not. or if it’s because I’m stressed about the new year and everything I’ve been working so hard on getting made. but i have so many feelings just beneath the surface. i want all the seeds I’m planting for my future to grow and flourish. and for the first time, i think i want/am ready to be loved by someone. but all the things i read in the news and see in real life, and even in movies like fucking ‘blue valentine’ make me feel like maybe love or relationships and marriage don’t ever work out. but I’m a romantic. I’m not bitter. yes, i over-think things and take in everything i see going on around me, but I’m not bitter or hard.

I’ve recently realized that i need to eliminate the subconscious social expectation that is instilled/ingrained in women from birth. no matter how modern or anti establishment a woman you may be, it’s there: get married, have kids. or else you’re a failure as a woman. nooooo! I refuse to feel like a failure if i end up 70 years old and single. I’ll buy my own goddamn diamond ring. i don’t need to be married. being single is great. being loved is great. as long as i have a good attitude and a wonderful group of friends and my family, I’m good. did i mention that being single has helped me remember and spend more time with my family? not like a ton of time, but I’m making an effort! but back to my rant: even if i don’t get married (which I’m totally still open to BTW, I’m just saying it’s OK if i don’t get married too!) I’d like to have one kid in the future. just one. preferably a girl so i can dress us up in matching outfits and Chanel bags. unless two or three babies grow inside me at the same time. then whatever happens happens.

but the bottom line is, i do want to fall in love again. i want to meet someone who gets me and loves me and makes me laugh and vice versa. i just want someone who inspires me and is faithful and my best friend who I’m attracted to. i want us to be passionate about each-other and have great sex and epic kisses. i want to make out for hours and hold his face in my hands. i want us to make each-other feel safe. for us to make each-others life BETTER. i want him to want to hold me and take care of me cuz i’m not so tough. i don’t care how many herpes, rape, or aids jokes i’ve made on this thing…. that isn’t me. I’m a fragile fucking little girl, just like all girls are. grown up or not. i want to love a boy and hug him and see movies with him and hear about his day and go on long drives and…. well…..lot’s of stuff.

and in the mean time, i don’t want to make out with creeps who aren’t worthy of putting their privates in my privates. i feel too sensitive to let people get close enough to have a tawdry make-out with me. i feel too precious. it’s like I’m treating myself with more respect than i ever have. i used to be free’er with the make-outs. which sucks, cuz when you’re more choosy, you end up home watching TV and taking baths  MORE than you would if you WEREN’T as choosy. but that’s OK. choosy is cooler.

but when’s it gonna happen? when will i meet someone? will someone ever love me again who i feel the same way about? I’m such a control freak. i wanna know everything! when? how? where? who? but that’s not how it works. i like to plan and make lists and know what’s going on all the time. but with this, i have no clue.

people think this blog is about me writing about dudes i fuck. well, that’s not entirely true. it’s about the thoughts i have around past dating experiences/sexual encounters etc. my over thinking and neurosis during. it’s lists and videos and heightened stories to make people laugh. it’s never just one thing and it’s not as simple or crass as ‘she interviews dudes and fucks them’ or ‘she writes about fucking dudes’ even though i hear people explain my blog to me like this all the time. I’m actually very sensitive and romantic. people ask me if guys are scared to date me because of my blog. god, probably. but i hope not. not the right guy.

I’m not even boycrazy anymore. i mean, yes i am- duh. but it’s more like ‘people’ crazy. i love to people watch. i love to talk about/think about falling in love all the time. it’s universal. it brings people together. it’s what matters. it’s what makes the world go round. movies and books are written about it. babies are born from it or lacking it.

i love to talk to people during boycrazy radio. i love to flirt. but I’m not desperate. being ‘boycrazy’ is not code for being desperate or a slut. but what’s a slut anyway? if men we’re judged by the same standards as women, wouldn’t MOST men be sluts? i KNOW! totally! i won’t FULLY get into the whole double standard thing. it’s disgusting. but whatever.

back to falling in love. the last relationship i was in lasted for two months and ended in February. i met him last new years eve. it wasn’t right for me, and i wasn’t ready. and now, all i know is that it would be nice to at least have my sights on someone. to have someone to be excited about. but i don’t.

tonight i am strongly considering just staying in. i don’t want to be frantic. i just want to be still and quiet and calm and get inspired. i want to get grounded for the new year. i want to write my new years resolutions, and watch cozy holiday movies and rom coms. i want to box up all the clothes and shit i never use/wear, and get rid of it! get it the fuck out of my life. i want to write down story ideas and all my dreams that i hope to accomplish in the new year and many years to come. life goals. I’m actually craving starting yoga! that’s never been me! i want to see movies at the arclight by myself all the time- like I’ve been doing the last four days straight. i want to go steam at the Korean spa!

right now I’m more Alexi crazy/career crazy, than ‘boycrazy’. and I’m gonna trust that the right guy/love will find me. cuz nothing good comes from desperation or trying to force or chase something. i want to be chased. i want ‘him’ to find me. and even though i already know that ‘love always finds you when you’re not looking/when you least expect it’…. i just hope he’s funny when he finds me.

happy new year.

By: boycrazy on December 31, 2010
Tags: new years eve, rants, thoughts and stories
69 Comments »

Hey Alexi.

Love the blog. It’s good to read something honest.

Here’s some thoughts you may want to share online with your lady
readers who might want to know what guys think… or not. This is
what I have told my girl(platonic) friends sometimes. Less so when
I’m seeing someone. Go figure.

1. We don’t care about you diet / eating disorder / food neuroses.
It’s not interesting. It’s not quirky. It’s boring. You want to
lose weight? Do it discretely. Please don’t do it loudly at dinner.
And don’t order things and complain about how fat they’ll make you.
That just makes you look dumb and feckless. Oh, and it’s boring.
REALLY BORING. A neuroses is no substitute for a personality.

2. Yep, your ex was an asshole. We kind of want to know why, but
there’s a point where you’re just dumping daddy-rage on him. It’s
that point where you’re a total victim and he’s a total asshole.
When it gets there, it gets weird. Take some responsibility for the
relationship not working out. You’re allowed to be angry, but you
were half of the problem. (No really, you were. Go figure that shit
out.)

3. Ditto for us – if everything was our ex-s fault, we’re full of
it too. Just so you know.

4. Don’t be a victim in life. Not sure where girls learn this, but
be proactive.

5. Don’t give up on giving head or hand jobs cos your neck/hands
are tired. You’d think we’re assholes if we did the same. You
totally would. Good sex is convincing someone you’re into something
cos it’s getting them off even when your hand is aching. (this
works for boys too, I guess, but I’m never there for that / have
too much professional pride so I can’t compare)

6. That thing about obsessing over your weight / appearance again.
Let’s go back to that. Total turn off. Either be confident or fake
confidence. Sure, later, when we’re living together you can relax a
little but to be honest, if you’re obsessing like that, then you’ve
got a problem you need to work on. And we’re not shrinks. (well,
unless…). Imagine if we did it – “do I look fat?” “ugh! I’ve
gotten so fat!” “I shouldn’t eat this!” ALL THE TIME. Right?
Horrid. You’d dump us super fast. Don’t endlessly fish for
compliments. Any guy who wants to hang out with a needy woman has
issues of his own. You’ll get co-dependent of whatever, and who
wants to do that shit? Not saying you have to be superwoman, but
neediness is not cool in general, for anyone. And be afraid if
you’ve got a guy who feeds off of it – that’s a red flag there.
Dump any guy who wants to keep you weak. IMMEDIATELY.

7. The only thing that will come out of you telling us you want to
get surgery is that we’ll possibly notice what you’re trying to
change. Don’t use this conversation as a way to fish. Keep that
shit to yourself. Or your gay/girlfriends /sisters/besties. Or
until we’ve moved in or something. But don’t expect us to be
enthusiastic about it. It’s your obsession goddamit. We already
like you as you are by this point. Why are you getting all vain all
of a sudden? It’s like we moved in and now you’ve gone nuts. Jeez.
What happened to you!!? THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOUR
NOSE/BOOBS/LIPS. IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD. (That’s what we’ll feel,
and you’ll get pissed because we don’t understand. And we don’t,
not really. But it’s your hang-up, not ours. Own it. Don’t make us
responsible to try to shift the focus away from the fact that
you’re already beautiful but have a hang up which is nothing to do
with us).

8. If we’re trying to get you to have surgery. Dump us.
Immediately. Same if we’re trying to make you look like someone
else in ANY way. Press delete.

9. Ditto for guys who neg you all the time. Dump them right now.
Don’t read any more. Do it. Get up and send that text. Done it?
Good. Single again? Great. You deserve to be treated right. Wanna
go get coffee later and hang out? Great. I’d be completely into
hanging out with you. You’re amazing.

10. Cut us some slack with nasty jokes. It’s in our DNA, we’re
raised to be a little harsher. We make more inappropriate comments
in boy world. And if we cross the line, we can get clipped, but
boys are nastier. And you like that, sometimes. But do pay
attention to how we talk about women / our moms. Close attention.
We can give the game away right there.

11. Around the first date it’s all on us: Don’t call us (unless
you’re returning a call). Don’t go text fishing. You have to kind
of let us know you’re open to our advances (being super aloof just
looks like the same as “fuck off” to us), but MAKE US DO THE WORK.
Either you’re worth it or we’re not. We don’t always like this but
we appreciate it. After a couple of dates you can relax. This isn’t
just playing games; it’s called courtship. We call/text when we’re
interested–or not, if we’re not. Once we’re seeing each other then
we can both relax about this shit a little, right? That part is
called trust.

12. Don’t accept a first date via text. Sure, you can
communicate/flirt by text before hand – even find out schedules
etc, but we should be calling you for a first date. It’s good
manners. The invite should be a phone call. If we can’t get it
together at that stage you think it’s ever going to improve?

13. Rarely give us the benefit of the doubt. Like once or twice.
After that, you’re letting shit slide and soon you’ll be making
excuses for us. Call us out on our shit. You don’t have to go
nuclear, but if you don’t tell us what pisses you off and it
festers we can’t fix it, and you’ll get mad we’re not psychic and
then it’s game over. But once you’ve dealt with it, let it go. We
can’t turn apologizing for being late that time into a lifetime’s
work. No, really. Let it go. You’re still bringing THAT up? It was
ages ago. Really? Really….???

14. We should pay on the first (few) dates. But to be fair, you
should order like you’re paying. We want you to have a good time,
but while you’re sizing us up we’re doing the same to you. Class
has got nothing to do with money. How much we like you/you’re worth
is not connected to the value of the free food/booze/whatever.
Acting like it is is cheap. It’s not really about the money, here,
is it? If it’s cheap of us to split the check (And it is) it’s
cheap of you to take advantage. That’s no way to start an affair,
is it? (and don’t pretend you don’t ever do this. We know you
have). It’s a good rule for life – don’t sit down to any meal
you’re not prepared to pay for. That way, there’s no weird tension
except sexual frisson.

15. Don’t be passive in bed. Please. Thank you. No one wants a dead
fuck. it takes two…

16. Yeah, you’re right. If we’ve been to a prostitute or like strip
clubs too much, then it’s saying quite a lot about us and how we
view women and sex. Once is potentially an experiment – but more
than that…? (Really. How can you suspend your disbelief and
ignore that the women are only doing it for the money. How needy
would that make us?)

17. Nothing’s more attractive than a woman with a plan, a goal,
some drive. Passive girls are as boring as passive boys.

18. Girls can be curvy. Girls can have small boobs and be slim. The
sexiest girls are the ones who don’t give a fuck what we think
about how they look. WE REALLY LIKE THAT. If we don’t, then we’ve
got issues.

19. You can never fix us. If we’re douches, we’re staying that way.
You are not going to be the one. Save yourself some heartache. Not
going to happen. And the bigger the douche, the better we are at
manipulating people because we need to manipulate people cos we’re
a douche.

20. Ignore all the shit that we say and watch what we DO.

21. However you feel about us in your gut is right. And I mean
‘feel in your gut’, not ‘wish in your head’. Act accordingly. See?
It’s working out for the best already, isn’t it?

Of course, all of the above might be why I’m single, but, still….

Happy New Year Alexi.
xo

By: boycrazy on December 30, 2010
Tags: photo by juergen teller, reader submission
52 Comments »

BOYCRAZY RADIO!!! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

TONIGHT!

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 29, 2010!

TUNE INTO - BOYCRAZY RADIO!

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR TOLL FREE

1(877) 569-3588

to CALL IN!

we’ll bro out, role play, & discuss ALL your love/sex/dating/life dilemmas!

let me know you’re out there and that you’re PRO ‘boycrazy radio’!

but either way… I LOVE YOU!

By: boycrazy on December 29, 2010
Tags: boycrazy radio, podcast
1 Comment »

‘MAKE IT YOURS’ MONDAYS! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

By: boycrazy on December 27, 2010
Tags: make it yours mondays, videos
21 Comments »

1. Talk about other girls in front of her while on a date.

2. tell her you’re planning a extensive trip to Thailand. And when she says ‘oh. Are you into Asian food and sightseeing?’ Just say ‘no. Not at all.’ Then wink at a little boy and change the subject.

3. don’t pay. ESPECIALLY on your FIRST date!

4. tell her you have an std.

5. look at yourself in the mirror every chance you get.

6. comment on how she’s eating too much.’Wow! you can really eat a lot for a girl.’

7. neg her as MUCH as possible.

10. tell her you have mom issues.

11. don’t bathe for days, then play an intense/killer game of dodge ball, RIGHT before she goes down on you.

12. smoke.

13. be bad in bed.

14. NEVER go down on her.

15. eat raw onions and garlic on your date….especially if it’s leading up to your FIRST kiss!

16.  do drugs.

17. tell her you love strip clubs.

18. tell her you’ve been to a prostitute.

19. admit to having hit your ex girlfriend.

20. tell her you never wanna have kids.

By: boycrazy on December 24, 2010
Tags: for boys only, rants
56 Comments »

BOYCRAZY RADIO!!! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

TONIGHT!

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 22, 2010!

TUNE INTO - BOYCRAZY RADIO!

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR TOLL FREE

1(877) 569-3588

to CALL IN!

we’ll bro out, role play, & discuss ALL your love/sex/dating/life dilemmas!

let me know you’re out there and that you’re PRO ‘boycrazy radio’!

but either way… I LOVE YOU!

By: boycrazy on December 22, 2010
Tags: boycrazy radio, podcast
1 Comment »

1. DON’T smise too hard. Yes, it evokes a friendly sexy essence, but it TOTALLY gives you wrinkles too! Pick your battles bro.

2. sometimes the person you’re telling your secret to, doesn’t actually wanna know/hear it/or be burdened!

3. family restaurants are called ‘family restaurants’ cuz they serve dead families.

4. don’t tell the new guy you’re dating all the negative shit your best platonic dude friend is saying about him. Cuz then if you ever want the two of them to meet/be friends/or simply coexist in the same room, it’ll be way awkward.

5. never trust a man, date a man, or fuck a man in a bad suit or bad shoes.

6. if you’re in a restaurant and it smells like salmon and you say ‘why does it smell like salmon in here?’ and then an Asian person walks by…… you’re racist!

7. start throwing around the word ‘brunch’ left and right like a crazy motherfucker! it will ONLY make your whole life seem more fancy and worth living. i promise.

8. YOU might be old, but your haircut doesn’t have to be! keep it fresh gurrrl/dude!

9. people who don’t watch TV are assholes AND some of my best friends.

10. even if you’re ONLY forcing yourself to get a lot of shit done to avoid freaking out about the fact that he isn’t texting you back- it’s fine! At least you’re keeping busy and getting shit done!

By: boycrazy on December 20, 2010
Tags: photo of john roberts in berlin by nate harrington
16 Comments »

There’s nothing greater than time flying by while making out in a car with a boy. Once upon a time, after a bizarro date watching stand up comedy and a super creepy ventriloquist (are they ever anything but creepy?), I walked back to my car with the boy I’d been seeing for the past month. It was raining out so I suggested we sit in my car to be warm and wait for him to sober up before he got back in his own car.

After listening to his drunken tirade about his disappointment and disgust with the stand up comics we’d seen that night and their lack of talent/obvious ambition ONLY FOR FAME by appealing to the lowest common denominator using dick jokes and racial stereotypes, we started to make out. Finally! A tirade can only be sexy for so long before it gets BORING! and thank god, cuz the make out… it was epic! It would go in waves of silly light kissing with jokes in between, to deep intense passionate kisses. Every time we said goodbye, we’d just start kissing again.

The ONLY time I feel like I’m operating on my own timetable is 1.) when I’m on an airplane and I’m not reachable by anyone OR 2.) when I’m locked in my car/cocoon with a boy with beautiful lips who holds my face and looks into my eyes while hours fly by and all we can hear is each others breath, our lips touching, and the banter of whatever we feel like talking about in that moment. Thoughts about life, people, observations we’ve made about each other, teasing, etc.

These encounters, when you’re HAPPY to be partaking in them, don’t exist in real time. They are on another level. You have traveled into a make-out vortex. Party of two. But they DO make you sleepy for when you have to be up early the next day for REAL life. But it’s worth heavy eyelids and dark circles. That’s what coffee and make up is for. This is what songs are written about and movies are made of.

And even though the romantic magic of that night faded soon after, nights like these are to be treasured. They shape & shade your life, and make the time you spend on this planet WAY more magical than if you’d just stayed home, trolled facebook, or watched The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills…. even though that IS a really good show.

And if you’re lucky, maybe a fling that’s fizzled can at least remain/turn into a friendship. maybe even one that lasts forever. who knows? but the  the world just got a bit smaller.

not that you should/need to sexualize stuff with everyone you meet in the hopes of making a new friend and making the world smaller. not at all, JESUS, focus people!

xo/i love you

By: boycrazy on December 17, 2010
Tags: rants, thoughts and stories
20 Comments »

BOYCRAZY RADIO!!! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

TONIGHT!

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 15, 2010!

TUNE INTO - BOYCRAZY RADIO!

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR TOLL FREE

1(877) 569-3588

to CALL IN!

we’ll bro out, role play, & discuss ALL your love/sex/dating/life dilemmas!

let me know you’re out there and that you’re PRO ‘boycrazy radio’!

but either way… I LOVE YOU!

By: boycrazy on December 15, 2010
Tags: podcast, radio
No Comments »

DUDE OF THE DAY!!!! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

By: boycrazy on December 13, 2010
Tags: dude of the day, videos
36 Comments »