BLOG » how to disguise/forget about/and get rid of a hickey:

1. vitamin k cream. available at whole foods and erewhon markets. rub that shit into your hickey as often as you can. especially RIGHT before bed- and sleep with it on.

2. wear a turtle-neck, retard!

3. stop hanging out with such amateur maker outers.

4. arnica cream. (follow the same instructions used for vitamin k). also available at whole foods and erewhon markets.

5. the cold spoon tactic. put a spoon in the freezer, then take it out of the freezer (duh), then place it on your hickey , and THEN drag it across your hickey over and over again.

6. acquire herpes. that shit will DEF make you forget all about your lame ass hickey situation.

7. cover it with the same make-up that make-up artists use to cover tattoos on actors. go to a profesh beauty supply store to get this uuber intense/no bullshit make-up.

8. hold a warm wash cloth on said hickey.

9. masturbate as hard as you can, so all the clotted up blood that’s accumulated in your neck rushes to your vadge/penis.

10. be cool. be proud. tell everyone you see about your hickey! own that shit! use it as a conversation starter….YOU SLUT!

11. sit in a tanning bed, and accidentally fall asleep.

12. get a neck tattoo over it.

13. burn your neck with a curling iron and when people say ‘what happened to your neck’ say ‘i burned it with a curling iron, jackass.’

14. hide indoors until it goes away. this is when girlfriends and moms come in handy. those are the assholes who will bring you food, tabloids, and watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills AND Atlanta with you!

15. make the ‘hickey giver’ your girlfriend or boyfriend and consider yourself OWNED/spoken for!

16. NEVER see the ‘hickey giver’ again!

17. stop making out with people forever and become a nun. take this time to think about how low you’ve sunk. and by ‘time’, i mean ‘the rest of your life’.

18. have a close friend punch you in the neck, then tell everyone you got in a fight. cuz you DID!

19. cut it out with a meat cleaver. sure you’ll have a big hole in your neck and be dead… but NO HICKEY!

20. cover it up with one of those nipple petals or a band aide and say you got a gnarly cat scratch!

21. join the blue man group.

22. start wearing a bow tie 24/7.

23. become a hooker. i mean, you’re ALREADY half way there! (i said HOOKER, not high class call girl/escort. there’s a difference! and that difference is your hickey!)

24. tell people you were bit by a vampire or werewolf! ever heard of TWILIGHT asshole?!

25. or do what i did:

give the ‘hickey giver’ a way CRAZIER hickey the next time you see him as PAYBACK– in a fun, loving way of course…. and with his permish, while he’s wasted! (see my payback example below)

26 Responses to “how to disguise/forget about/and get rid of a hickey:”

  1. that looks painful

  2. The worst hickey-situation ever is when a new make-out notices your hickey from the make-out the night before…and yes, that’s probably even making you more of a slut 🙂

  3. this post is amazing! and well done with the arnica and vitamin k tips! they work!

  4. What happened wasser you have now officially gone all degrassi with your colums. Get back into it and start talking about how to deal with trolling or abortions or some shit

  5. haaahahhahahahah number 21

  6. FUCK HICKIES! Why not just strap me to a table and shove knitting needles into my urethra!?

  7. whoa. cool your jets ‘coolface’
    with a name like ‘coolface’, you think he’d be more mellow.

  8. Ah! Loved this post Alexi! Lost of “LOL” while reading!

  9. I can’t believe you forgot the easiest and most foolproof way to rid yourself of a hickey…! Find a fine tooth comb and comb it out. A hickey is just a bunch of constricted blood vessels after all.

  10. Alexi, nearly eveything you post I love infinitely, but this is shit, in my humble opinion. It’s not really very funny and/or witty and is just kind of dumb. this is just my opinion. h8rz gon h8.

  11. What if the hickey is on your nipple?

  12. I can’t believe you forgot the easiest and most foolproof way to rid yourself of a hickey…! Find a fine tooth comb and comb it out. A hickey is just a bunch of constricted blood vessels after all.

    p.s. – Had to repost because a typo had me linking to the wrong blog :-/

  13. 18 is the way to go.
    Extra points if the person that punches (drop-kicks to the head and neck make for better bruises and better stories, speaking from experience) you is the same on that gave you a hickey. You can’t have some stranger crushin’ your trachea for the sake of a cover-up bruise, after all.

  14. You forgot wearing a scarf! No one will expect you to take it off, even indoors, It’s Christmas time,

    Oh and #13,The curling iron burn idea, I’ve totally done before. I was in junior high and desperate to hide it from the parents.
    But it’s also just a good lie to use. You don’t even have to actually burn yourself because a curling iron burn and hicky look almost identical! Just make a sad pouty wince when someone asks and say..”damn curling iron burn”, when someone asks. It’s worked every time!

  15. What if you want to extract revenge on the hickey giver like alexi, but the hickey giver is BLACK? then what??????

  16. Ewwwwww, U gave CHEWBACKA a HICKEY!!!

  17. Whats so bad about HICKEYS anyways!? They feel good when U get them! The only people that dont like HICKEYS are those that dont want others to know that they just GOT SOME!

  18. Whoa, I haven’t given a girl a hickey since junior high!!!! Also, in that case I swear it was unintended; I was such a noob to the sensitivities of the neck area of a girl. While the girl did trip out about the hickey after the fact, she had a real, real solution to the hickey problem.

    When the hickey formed, she got out her lipstick. Then she put the top of the lipstick bottle–whatever-its-called– on the hickey and pushed into the hickey and, I think, she turned the lipstick top counter clock-wise. By lunch the hickey was gone.

    According to her, her sister taught her this trick. She said it works because it un-clots the blood flow. Try it you slut!!!

  19. Talk about I totally spent 20 minutes googling this yesterday when I had to go to work in the afternoon with a hickey from this “virgin” kid. Yea. Right. He told me he watched a lot of porn. anyways I can tell you that this works 100% it was gone in about an hour of doing this on and off. Take a lipstick top, round brunch end or something to that degree. ( your fingers do not work for this) So take it right on the hickey an twist. over and over again. Duh it will be red, and YES it fucking hurts but so what you don’t want to have to burn your self with a “curling iron” again do you?

    Also if you can get your BFF who is a massage therapist and have her run or slut tag out by pushing it down towards your body. Oh & apple cider vinegar on a cotton ball band aided to your neck. Above all utilize your scarves because its winter time bitches!

  20. Brenna, as my witness I told you it works!!!!! This chick was amazing!!! There was a hell of a lot more she taught me than just how to get rid of a hickey!!! She made me into a man!!

  21. you’re making out with andrew wk?? there’s your problem

  22. this isn’t funny at all, but some of the tips are legit.

  23. agreed! i want more of a “pep talk in the form of a slap in the face in the form of a blog”.

  24. Hell Yah King George. Make your mommy proud.

  25. super belated, but the best way to get rid of a hickey (if you realllly need), is to scratch the shit out of it with a fine tooth comb. it breaks up the blood vessels, and the bastard will probably be gone within an hour or so

  26. Everybody loves to give a hickey to their partner however very few of them knows how to give them in right way. Hence, thanks for sharing this article.

    But it’ll surprise you to know that hickeys can, in reality, be more dangerous than you expected. I have found an article “…”which really talks about how to give a hickey, side effects of love bites and how to get rid of it.

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