BLOG » me on nye 2010:
i don’t even know where to begin. i feel like I’ve put off writing a real, journal entry style post on this site for such a long time. for a while i just subconsciously decided i didn’t want to share my REAL feelings with anyone on the interweb, for real. i didn’t want to use this blog as a tool to help me figure out how or what I’m feeling – like i used to.
I’m in a weird place in my life right now. I’m single. I’ve only slept with four people this year. and i want so much for myself. i want my dreams to come true so badly i can feel them/see them- they feel so close. but I’m in this grey zone purgatory vortex waiting area. in between who i used to be and who i want to be/who i plan to be. it’s scary for me to write this. it’s scary for me to say that i have dreams and goals i want to come true (even though, yes, i’m not listing them specifically for you- but use your imagination) cuz if they don’t come true, then everyone’s witnessed me put myself out there and fail. but that’s why so many people are scared to say what they want for themselves and who they want to be. too scared to even admit to themselves, let alone say out loud.
i started this blog a little over two years ago. and i never stopped being obsessed with it. it’s my favorite thing in the whole world. it’s (for the most part) what my life revolves around. when i first started it, people i knew would say ‘calm down. you’re gonna get sick of your blog if you keep at it like this.’ well, i never did assholes! it’s changed my life. it’s made me new friends. it’s showed me that i can make people laugh and that people relate to things i write/talk about. that maybe i even make them feel less alone. and I’m so grateful for that. it’s made me happy and more confidant. it’s made me feel less alone too.
someone who really inspired me and supported me and even helped set up my website (until i had to bring in a professional whiz kid computer dude) was my ex boyfriend Mike. he had and still has a blog, a clothing company, takes photos, makes films- he’s a jack of all trades. he’s also the first boyfriend I’ve ever had that i could really be myself with. even more so than with my five year ex. he made me ballsy and was super encouraging and never got jealous when I’d interview cute boys. he wouldn’t watch the vids, but he’d read my stories and rants and lists. and it showed him another side of me. it made us closer. he got to see how my mind worked/my sense of humor. in the end, deep rooted differences in both of us caused us to break up (not the b l o g)… but I’m happy to say we’re still friends. we even did karaoke the other night with a bunch of people- which is funny, cuz we did karaoke (just the two of us) on our first date. all that aside, starting this site has changed my life. and in these past two years I’ve done a lot of growing up. I’m in therapy, i have a handful of close girlfriends (more than I’ve ever had) and amazing platonic guy friends. i love all the crazy adventures i have with my friends. and so far…. it’s been great being single.
but recently (the last week or so), I’ve been crying a lot. i don’t know if it’s cuz I’m on accutane- it’s not. or if it’s because I’m stressed about the new year and everything I’ve been working so hard on getting made. but i have so many feelings just beneath the surface. i want all the seeds I’m planting for my future to grow and flourish. and for the first time, i think i want/am ready to be loved by someone. but all the things i read in the news and see in real life, and even in movies like fucking ‘blue valentine’ make me feel like maybe love or relationships and marriage don’t ever work out. but I’m a romantic. I’m not bitter. yes, i over-think things and take in everything i see going on around me, but I’m not bitter or hard.
I’ve recently realized that i need to eliminate the subconscious social expectation that is instilled/ingrained in women from birth. no matter how modern or anti establishment a woman you may be, it’s there: get married, have kids. or else you’re a failure as a woman. nooooo! I refuse to feel like a failure if i end up 70 years old and single. I’ll buy my own goddamn diamond ring. i don’t need to be married. being single is great. being loved is great. as long as i have a good attitude and a wonderful group of friends and my family, I’m good. did i mention that being single has helped me remember and spend more time with my family? not like a ton of time, but I’m making an effort! but back to my rant: even if i don’t get married (which I’m totally still open to BTW, I’m just saying it’s OK if i don’t get married too!) I’d like to have one kid in the future. just one. preferably a girl so i can dress us up in matching outfits and Chanel bags. unless two or three babies grow inside me at the same time. then whatever happens happens.
but the bottom line is, i do want to fall in love again. i want to meet someone who gets me and loves me and makes me laugh and vice versa. i just want someone who inspires me and is faithful and my best friend who I’m attracted to. i want us to be passionate about each-other and have great sex and epic kisses. i want to make out for hours and hold his face in my hands. i want us to make each-other feel safe. for us to make each-others life BETTER. i want him to want to hold me and take care of me cuz i’m not so tough. i don’t care how many herpes, rape, or aids jokes i’ve made on this thing…. that isn’t me. I’m a fragile fucking little girl, just like all girls are. grown up or not. i want to love a boy and hug him and see movies with him and hear about his day and go on long drives and…. well…..lot’s of stuff.
and in the mean time, i don’t want to make out with creeps who aren’t worthy of putting their privates in my privates. i feel too sensitive to let people get close enough to have a tawdry make-out with me. i feel too precious. it’s like I’m treating myself with more respect than i ever have. i used to be free’er with the make-outs. which sucks, cuz when you’re more choosy, you end up home watching TV and taking baths MORE than you would if you WEREN’T as choosy. but that’s OK. choosy is cooler.
but when’s it gonna happen? when will i meet someone? will someone ever love me again who i feel the same way about? I’m such a control freak. i wanna know everything! when? how? where? who? but that’s not how it works. i like to plan and make lists and know what’s going on all the time. but with this, i have no clue.
people think this blog is about me writing about dudes i fuck. well, that’s not entirely true. it’s about the thoughts i have around past dating experiences/sexual encounters etc. my over thinking and neurosis during. it’s lists and videos and heightened stories to make people laugh. it’s never just one thing and it’s not as simple or crass as ‘she interviews dudes and fucks them’ or ‘she writes about fucking dudes’ even though i hear people explain my blog to me like this all the time. I’m actually very sensitive and romantic. people ask me if guys are scared to date me because of my blog. god, probably. but i hope not. not the right guy.
I’m not even boycrazy anymore. i mean, yes i am- duh. but it’s more like ‘people’ crazy. i love to people watch. i love to talk about/think about falling in love all the time. it’s universal. it brings people together. it’s what matters. it’s what makes the world go round. movies and books are written about it. babies are born from it or lacking it.
i love to talk to people during boycrazy radio. i love to flirt. but I’m not desperate. being ‘boycrazy’ is not code for being desperate or a slut. but what’s a slut anyway? if men we’re judged by the same standards as women, wouldn’t MOST men be sluts? i KNOW! totally! i won’t FULLY get into the whole double standard thing. it’s disgusting. but whatever.
back to falling in love. the last relationship i was in lasted for two months and ended in February. i met him last new years eve. it wasn’t right for me, and i wasn’t ready. and now, all i know is that it would be nice to at least have my sights on someone. to have someone to be excited about. but i don’t.
tonight i am strongly considering just staying in. i don’t want to be frantic. i just want to be still and quiet and calm and get inspired. i want to get grounded for the new year. i want to write my new years resolutions, and watch cozy holiday movies and rom coms. i want to box up all the clothes and shit i never use/wear, and get rid of it! get it the fuck out of my life. i want to write down story ideas and all my dreams that i hope to accomplish in the new year and many years to come. life goals. I’m actually craving starting yoga! that’s never been me! i want to see movies at the arclight by myself all the time- like I’ve been doing the last four days straight. i want to go steam at the Korean spa!
right now I’m more Alexi crazy/career crazy, than ‘boycrazy’. and I’m gonna trust that the right guy/love will find me. cuz nothing good comes from desperation or trying to force or chase something. i want to be chased. i want ‘him’ to find me. and even though i already know that ‘love always finds you when you’re not looking/when you least expect it’…. i just hope he’s funny when he finds me.
happy new year.
this is brilliant once again Alexi!write a book.Please!Happy New Years and thanks for all the posts ,theyve really helped me xx
You are a great inspiration to me Alexi. I’m 18 but I feel as though I’ve already waisted time on things that are not important to me. I don’t regret those things, but this New Years I’ll be writing a list of my ambitions and Tomorrow I will be out beginning to try to achieve them. Starting with a blog. If I didn’t read your blog, I don’t know if I would be motivated to do anything with my life. So thank you. Happy New Year. x
Thank you for being you and sharing you with us.
Alexi, you’re brilliant! Self-love is probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’m so glad it’s found you too! xoxo
excellent! i’m feeling all the same things…focusing on the career and the fact that i’ve kissed more guys then i’ve truly felt anything for this year–not cool. ***i believe in letting a guy find you but the point is some girls stop being so ‘find-able’ because of all the boy baggage they carry around so totally working on dropping all that.
ahhh anyway! yeah, happy new year and good luck girl, i can relate.
I think you’ve probably found what I wish I had figured out a lot earlier: If you hang your happiness on someone else, and try to change them or change yourself to fit that image, you’ll be disappointed. Instead, be true to yourself and do the things that make you happy, and the rest will fall into place.
I feel like my year has gone the same way. I started out so raw and antisocial and maybe jumped into a relationship I wasn’t ready for because of this imagined pressure to “be normal”. I’m sure we’ll both find someone that is hot/kind/entertaining. You have the blaahg for goodness’ sakes, why not do a “date Alexi” contest and screen the bros with a few questions/ challenges?
I’m also impatient about when, where,how, who-questions revolving around my future love life.
And today I had the same idea after doing some retail therapy at American Apparel…get rid of old unfashionable clothes! Happy New Year, Alexi! x
This guy is brilliant!
Thank you and Alexi for sharing this,
it was entertaining/true/harsh/important and again TRUE.
Very Good advice that cannot be stressed enough!
Brilliant!
FUCK YEAH !!!
PS:”Your comment was a bit too short. Please go back and try again.” REALLY??
alexi, i’m thinking of staying in on NYE too! last year i ended up going home and making out (at least i’ve learned some self-restraint) with a guy who was WAY less than desirable (career/intelligence/maturity-wise. basically, i’m saying he was cute but didn’t have much going on for him). this year, i’ve been thinking that pouring toxins down the hatch, getting jostled by crowds, allowing my eardrums to be acosted by loud, obnoxious noise and receiving advances from drunkards only after one thing is a horrible tone to set for the new year. so, i’m spending it with the person i love the most: me! it’s funny, i have almost the exact same list of things i plan to do. this year, i don’t want to celebrate the change in calendar years, i want to celebrate me – how far i’ve come and what still lies ahead.
How long have you been on Accutane? Don’t take it! I took it for nearly two months and have life altering side affects. For one, it made my hair fall out! I started to go bald. It kept happening even after I stopped taking it. Now, years later I still don’t have it all back. My hair is thinner than it was. AND if that isn’t bad enough, I also gained irritable bowel syndrome from taking it! I can’t eat ANYTHING without my stomach hurting after. Not to mention the other (worse) symptoms of IBS. And believe me, I know I absolutely did NOT have it before I started taking it. I love you! Don’t let this happen to you!
Happy new year, Alexi!
i love this. totally been in that same frame of mind.
stay home, take a bath, have a glass of champagne/cup of tea, watch, get a good night’s sleep. build your foundation, make it SOLID.
love your words. stay precious.
Whoa, girl. Step away from the Redbull. You need to calm down. Frist, everybody wants what you want. That’s why romance novels and chick flicks make money. But that isn’t real. Life isn’t that intense. Men are not that romantic. Men will disappoint you. Children will disappoint you. Lower your expectations so you don’t disappoint you. I know. Who wants to lower their expectations? We want it all! But we can’t have it all. That’s life. Be happy with what you have. Forget marriage. It’s the first step to divorce, disappointment and rejection. Just be. You will always have yourself. Be your own best friend; your own partner. You will see clearer with all of the expectations out of your field of view.
Babe,
Thank you so much for posting this. Before I fell asleep last night I had a similar breakdown regarding boys, life, and becoming the person I want to be. It’s so weird to wake up in the morning and read this! I know exactly what you mean by feeling like you’re in some kind of purgatory of your life. I feel so ready to be the person I want to be, but it just isn’t getting here fast enough, is it?
It’s so nice to see that someone who seems to be livin’ the dream life goes through the same issues as a 20 year old nobody. And seriously, get off the accutane. That shit made me crazy.
Maybe I’ll stay in tonight and do some kind of life inventory also.
Once again thanks, and love.
“…and now, all i know is that it would be nice to at least have my sights on someone. to have someone to be excited about. but i don’t.”
this is my life right now. and i feel like because i don’t have someone, it means that no one is out there for me. f, new years always sucks. i might stay home too.
Alexi I just started Accuntane and it’s been rough for me too! Definitely a lot more crying and a lot of feeling “un-pretty” but it’ll all be worth it after we’re through
Oh, and stay away from sad movies, TV shows and commercials…
Also, stay precious! I was in a series of terrible relationships a couple of years ago and ever since then I haven’t been in a relationship. At first I thought I was being defensive, blocking myself from all men, but then I realized that no, I was being SMART. I’d go on first dates with guys and think, can I imagine myself with this guy for the rest of the life? And the answer was always a resounding “NO!” Not only are we precious, but our time is precious! We’re all looking for a soul mate, a man who understands us, loves us and encourages us for who we are. Wasting our time and energy on men who just don’t cut it is a waste of time! I always tell people that I’m not looking for a boyfriend, I’m looking for a husband, a real man. It’s time we stop settling for guys who don’t have real jobs, cars, homes, or any sort of goal in life!
I think if you have an invitation to a party or two this year, go! A lot of people stay in on NYE because they DON’T have an invitation! You’re young, beautiful, funny and smart… so enjoy it! Don’t get sad about the not kissing thing, just enjoy time with your friends and if it’s TOTALLY lame, just leave!
I identified with SOOOO much of this. Thank you for sharing. You are awesome and I’m glad I find your blog =D
Happy New Year!
this is my second time on accutane. it’s actually called claravis. accutane is no longer available. and it’s not making me moody. my skin is perfect now. and my hair (re. previous commenter) is not falling out. the moodiness because of accutane thing was me making a joke. life changes and reflections were making me moody. then i wrote this and i feel way better. but thank you for the accutane concern. i have an amazing dermo and take monthly blood tests. i am very smart about this and monitored closely by my doctor AND i’m on a super low dose for a short amount of time. : )
ps: thank you so much for all the beautiful comments!
accutane will def make you depressed or mess with your mood… It made me kinda weird for the two months I was on it… luckily it works really fast and will clean up your complexion for the rest of your life… I had a major zit back in high school and in two months my skin was clear and has been ever since…I only took it half the time and never took the full curse of meds… that was almost 10 years ago so the shit works… staying in on new years is always a smart move… its amateur night or drunken hot mess night… I would rather go eat a nice meal with my gf and be home before the morons take over and ruin all the chill spots… auld lang syne
This is bloody brilliant.
Although the humorous post are great, it’s even better to see the “Real Alexi” shine in on us once in a while.
I liked this post. Check your myspace. I just added you.
a dude to go the arclight alone with,
obscure
p.s. I know myspace is dead, but I like the complete desolation of it.
Alexi, i just want to say thank you for writing
this last post, i mean i know actually how you feel and im only a senior in high school , i know what i want to be and where i want to go ,i have loads more to tell you that wont fit in this comment box so when is your next radio cast ?
alexi!!!! im so happy for you
be picky!
never selttle for less.
happy new year.
Alexi, this post has inspired me in so many ways. Being 18, I’m in a totally different stage of life than you, but I completely related to this post/rant/words of inspiration. I’ve wasted SO MUCH TIME worrying about dudes and which of these dudes is the “perfect one”… turns out none of them were amazing in any way. But what can I say, I’m young, I’ll learn better someday
I’ve been focusing on myself, spending all this time alone in order to find some ounce of inspiration, to get artsy, to work on projects I’d long since neglected. It feels so good to know that its perfectly fine to be single and to live on for yourself! But anyways, thank you thank you thank you for this amazing post!
I love everything about this. We would be friends if our paths ever crossed. Happy New Year. Live like a mother fucker. xoxoxox
New Years 2010
-Thanks Alexi for inspiring me to write this. Something I’ve needed to say/write for some time now. All the best to you and I hope you find inspiration in the new year and maybe even find someone/someone finds you.
This year has been interesting to say the least. And I hate when people refer to things or make a relevant statement and then end it with ‘to say the least.’ This time last year I was probably at the lowest point in my life. My girlfriend of about a year broke up with me in November, I moved home to my parent’s house, and then my dog died on Christmas eve, and then the new year came. Needless to say I didn’t think things could get much worse from there. But at the same time I wasn’t in a position to be optimistic about things getting better. I was working some bullshit job making just above minimal wage. I felt I had just wasted my time since graduation that year chasing some girl I thought I was in love with when I should have been focusing on what it is that I want and need to accomplish.
Unfortunately, my ex and I don’t talk anymore. We’re not friends. And that’s something I think is so sad. We were best friends at one point. She made me happy and inspired me as a fellow human being. And I loved our sex and the make outs and the cute subtle details of our relationship that were so acute to our personalities and thus our romantic relationship. But now, I feel more focused then ever. I’m single, I’ve had more production work than I ever have as a photographer/producer, and maybe, just maybe, I’m open to the idea of someone new in my life. To be quite honest, I feel I’m better off without anyone at this point. I can focus on my goals and aspirations, dreams, life, and what I want to get out of this time I have here. And I feel like that’s the type of attitude you need to have before you could even consider bringing a girlfriend into your life. I think I’m over the part where I NEED someone. I would consider myself a romantic. I think I used to be a hopeless romantic. I idealized relationships, and almost always fell in love with the idea of falling in love.
After an awful ending between my then girlfriend and myself, someone who I can still say is one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met, I realize that you can’t have an idealized relationship without the bumps and turns that come so engrained in human nature. People are fucked up. People have problems. And that’s okay. It’s okay to be depressed sometimes, but not all the time because who the fuck wants to deal with someone who’s sad all the time. I find that when people are truly in love, you learn to accept each other’s flaws and deal with them as a part of their personality rather than as something that sticks out of them like a thorn to a rose bush. Excuse the lame metaphor there, but in the essence of tying this full circle, a thorn is just apart of the rose bush as is the rose. It’s sharp, it has potential to hurt others, but at the same time, it’s innate. It’s there to protect to the roses, perhaps a symbol of the essence of innocence we’re afraid (or I’m afraid) of exposing to someone else. There’s always the possibility that we will fail in this relationship. But, that’s also a beautiful thing; two people betting on themselves and on each other for the POSSIBILITY of something truly great.
Wow. I’ve been going through the exact same thing lately, the crying, the depression, the figuring shit out. I was about to just leave it alone and let it figure itself out like I ALWAYS do, and let it solve it self which it NEVER does, when I decided to come to your blog like I do every single day. I’m SO glad you wrote this post. I’ve never experienced someone else’s words summing up SO perfectly something I feel so deeply and couldn’t even figure out myself, but here you are, reading my mind and reminding me again that I’m not stupid and I’m not alone and that girls go through this stuff all the time. I’ve had a boycrazy year, for all of 2010, and now, I am getting a little self crazy. I totally just want someone to find me. I’m sick of being the chaser and the flirter and the make-out initiator. You’re right, it is way cooler being choosy, and I think it would be best for me to spend tonight alone figuring my own shit out. Or, rather, with my mom and her boyfriend drinking champagne. Either way, it’s time to be still. Thanks so much for this. You’re the best.
it’s about a girl figuring it out.
2011 is our best year yet!
xo
go girl! (: this is my favorite post from you. empower yourself, have an amazing 2011, you deserve it!
Thank you. I really relate to a lot of what you have said and needed to hear this right now.
You will definitely have a great 2011 if you continue to push yourself like you are now! You can do it!
My God, girl. Thank you for posting this. It’s pretty much exactly what I needed to hear. Cheers to 2011 being the best fucking year yet.
Tv and baths. Sounds like my life lately. But I enjoy it. Moving to NYC in June and looking forward to the year ahead. I know things will be great for you too. I know it! Xx
I didn’t read this until today (1/1/11) and it’s kinda freaky, because this is EXACTLY how I feel. I’ve had one relationship and two dating/hook up-y things in the past year, and I have been alone for the past four months… It’s been AMAZING.
I stayed in NYE and watched TV and chilled, and I donated stuff today (before reading this… so weird). Same page, sister. Good luck with all your dreams! I’ll be working on mine
Yes, please write a book. Your words are inspiring.
You’re brilliant. Thank you for not being afraid of being you. I’m trying to do the same.
this was amazing. thank you.
dude, alexi! get it, you are taking yourself so far, seeing your little face on tv makes me soooo happy because i know you are working your ass off and being real.
dream big, because if you can’t dream up your own future, who will!
Happy New Year crazy rabbit.
hello self, did you write this while I was sleeping? seriously.
I just got a job at NBC and i’m so excited about it, and it scares the crap out of me to think that my dreams might not come true because my future is so important to me.
then i think about falling in love and i get all sad again because i want to be loved so badly. and i look at myself and think, i’m pretty, i’m smart, i’m a go-getter and no guys get me. then i think i should be looking, but that’s not who i am. i’m the girl who watched TV and movies on Netflix and a lot of movies at the Arclight (and other theaters). The one who eats food, reads books, and drinks wine and does not look around for love which makes me sad, but it’s true, right, he’ll find me?
i really hope he does, and like you, i hope he’s funny too.
sometimes staying in and being still, calm and inspired is the best part of my week! i think it’s hugely necessary to have a bit of space and nothingness around all the busy somethingness in your life, so you can step back and make sense of it (like you are in this post) and breathe a little. and like that old cliche goes, you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself. so i’m glad you’re figuring it out. i feel like i’m just starting to figure it out too. may 2011 be glorious!
GREAT POST! Love you!
This was a really nice post Alexi. I too, as a two year old blogger did a short reflective post on how much I’d changed and how much I’d grown. My blog is my baby and continues to be.
I am feeling more empowered at this point in my life than ever before and it feels great. It feels great to get the focus away from others and petty bullshit and onto myself and the important things… where it should be.
Glad that you realized the same thing Alexi. Keep chugging and doing what you do, and the rest will fall into place. Keep putting goodness out there and he will come.
I promise.
alexi-
everything you say is so true. your “thoughts and stories” are always my favorite part of your blog. thanks for a great post!
Alexi, you’re the best!
Sometimes I wish we were actually friends so I could call you when I needed guidance and you could smack some sense into me. I need a friend like YOU!
Please, please write a book. Look how many of us would buy it.. you’re amazing.
I have a feeling that 2011 will be a great year for you and I wish you ALL the success and happiness on the planet!!..you’ll figure it out girl!
Don’t worry about pressure from society,friends, parents, etc. It’s all bullshit, it’s not REAL. You’re an amazing woman with or without a man. You’re an a lovely, entertaining, hilarious, wise, adorable person. You’ll find someone. There’s a lid for every pot!
Anyway..totally off subject..
I also took accutane a few years ago(well, a generic called Sortret) and it cleared up my skin superfast and I haven’t had any skin problems since. There were always warnings about it causing depression, but never really took them seriously. But to be honest, now that I think about it, I have felt depressed for the past few years since taking it and I don’t know if it’s just how I feel naturally or because of the accutane? But, truthfully, I would have been even more depressed with my skin still looking like gravel. My acne was HORRIBLE!
Anyway, I’m rambling. BYE ALEXI!
This post brought me back down to earth. Thank you!
hands down, my favorite post yet. happy new year alexi! this is gonna be YOUR year! i can feel it in my bones! xo
not to sound like a creeper but i saw you at Ryan T’s party on new yrs eve in Los Feliz. wanted to say “heyyy gurl heyyy i read ur blog” but i didn’t so i’m saying it now instead. sup
Without a doubt on of the best posts you have written. While all your funny stuff is great too, this is the side of you that makes you so relatable and likable to your readers.
You are touching so many peoples lives around you that you don’t even know about, just by being yourself. Stay transparent to those around you and the right person will come around.
Just keep swimming! Best of luck in 2011!
Alexi
The best effin one to date.
I swear upon all the great passions of my life.
This is your year. Be ready
This is my first comment here so I might have a lot to say, since I’ve been reading you for more than a year now. Let’s just start with: Thank you for sharing this and for being who you are. This was, I seriously think, your top best-est best post of 2010! I can relate so much, but hey, I’m just at the start of it and set myself up to figuring me out and reaching to myself in 2011 EVEN IT i’m still struggling to make a relationship work, because I’m not, well, yet ready to let go. Or give up. Either way, I hope to make it by the end of this year with higher goals, expectations, standards and more peaceful and happy, even if I’ll end up single. That may be my greatest fear (cause yeah I’ve been chasing for relationships since I was 15) but, as you say, with friends and new people and family it will turn out totally better than a committed fucked up relationship.
I’m a hopeless romantic too, and even though I’ve put up with a lot of shit from past relationships and from trying to figure myself out, I really think there IS hope for finding the right one. Hold on to it, you’re an amazing person and HE is going to reach out for you. I like to believe that best should be saved for last when it comes to romance, so what I think is that true love only finds you when you’re done soulsearching, self repairing and mostly, when you learn to love yourself completely.
I wish you an absolutely fabulous 2011, Alexi! NEVER stop what you’re doing, you really make blogs worth reading! I hope love finds you and keeps you!
It feels so good to hear someone else articulate these feelings and ideas. I’ve been feeling this exact way for the past couple of months and it’s way more difficult to put yourself first than it sounds! To choose be choosy and less impulsive with your heart,body,time, whatever, is hard and as you said, sometimes not as interesting or crazy. But I have the same hopes that you do; that by holding myself in the highest esteem and expecting others to treat me accordingly, I will eventually find someone worth spending time with/on, rather than wasting time with people who just don’t get it.
Thanks Alexi!
I just got put on to your site by my co-worker. I look forward to reading/watching/hearing your stuff, all of your previous posts are refreshingly honest
Alexi, you’re great. That’s all.
Thank you Alexi. I enjoy your humor, but it is good to see someone else going through the same things I am.
YOU’RE WINNING! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, YOU’RE FRESH!!
What an excellent example of stream of consciousness, which is always more sincere and exploratory than just day-to-day posts. It is also a great example of how societal views’ on women’s roles and expectations have yet to evolve along with us and what we want. I’ve never understood why you had to be married by a certain age and a mother by the next. No one ever puts an age requirement to educational or professional accomplishments! What is wrong with you, yourself, chosing your own life’s timeline?!
So, I say “fuck ‘em all!” You are young and responsible for no one but yourself, which means you have no one to answer to but yourself. We are all our own worst critics, so why would we want to disappoint ourselves?! I personally live my life and make choices based on what the 8-10 year old version of myself would want/do. This way, all decisions are made by my heart, not my over-analytical mind, with the goal of supreme happiness (like balloons and candy) and cool things like puppies (not cars). At the end of the day, I like the feeling that she would approve of the person she has become.
Stay strong and true to yourself!!
If you’re feeling adventurous try one of Tej’s morning Kundalini classes at Golden Bridge Yoga. It may take you out of your comfort zone a bit, but if it speaks to you, it’ll totally blow your mind for a while.
If you don’t know about Kundalini, maybe look it up or ask some friends about it first, it’s not like traditional yoga. Good luck sister xx
CAN I MARRY THE MAN WHO WROTE THIS PLEASE? thanks!
You are awesome! This blog post is EXACTLY why I started blogging.
Thank you for sharing your words and your thoughts.
my dear,
figuring out who you are/who you want to be?
you are growing up.
It never fails to amaze me that we are always somehow on the same page. Alexi, I am starting to fall really hard for my ex. i dont even want to consider him an ex. we are dating again. And im really showing how into him i am. its frightening. and i get crazy when he doesn’t call during the day and i delete his number and say, F’ him. but then just as soon as i write him off, he calls and tells me everything i want to hear. and i fall right back into it. I dont know if im in love. ive never been in love. but i think i might be getting close to it. Im pretty sure ill know when I am. Its freaking me out. I wonder if he feels the same about me. I doubt it sometimes. he does tell him he cares and really likes me, blah blah blah, but I cant help but doubt it. I dont know why. im so scared of him hurting me, because i know ill be really hurt. ah. i need to let this out.
thank you for letting imboycrazy.com be a space for me to vent about all the boy problems ive had over the year since i discovered your website. I dont even remember how i did no thinking about it. but i really am glad i did. Its because of your website that i have learned so much about love. honestly, it really is. THANK YOU.
this post gotta be one of my favourites.
soo relatable.
thank you.
You are right on point little darling. I love reading your more personal entries. Know yourself and Live in Love and only love will follow <3
ahhh this post almost made me cry! i discovered your blog at the perfect time in my life. im 22 and have been broken up with my bf of 3 1/2 years for about 3 weeks now, im sad but at the same time really excited to see whats out there and finally be independent. Im about to graduate and move on to grad school so its seems as though everything is changing in my life right now and its actually really exciting but overwhelming and the same time. Your blog, especially this post make me feel a lot less alone and makes me feel ok with what i want to do and how i want to live my life! Im soo sick of both girls and guys bringing girls down for living a single life like guys. fuck double standards! But keep doing what you do YOUR amazing
and once again thanks for your intimate posts they really do help!
Let’s go on a date and if I am stoked, and you are stoked, we can be stoked for a long time and I’ll buy you presents n shit.
I recently took a new job and moved, and haven’t set up my computer at my apartment yet. Today is the first chance I had to catch up since mid-December.
All I can say is this post made me well up with tears… I swear, if I weren’t a dude, I would be the exact same beautiful mix of emotional cripple and in-control idealist that this post showed you to be on NYE.
We Love You!
Reading through your blog and loving every minute of it. You sounds exactly like myself and it is so reassuring to realize I am not the only girl like this! Amazing… hopefully you’ve found your man.
xo gracie