BLOG » happy valentine’s day!

1. DO have bloody crime scene sex if you’re having your period, but REALLY want to sleep with the boy of your dreams. if he’s a man, he can totally handle it and won’t give a FUCK!

2. Shave your legs, even if you don’t have a date, a life, a man, or plans in general. you NEVER know what’s gonna happen! YES, we all know the urban legend that says good things happen when we FORGET to shave our legs… but come on ladies, just fucking shave them. it’s valentine’s day. do it for YOU!

3. keep you’re vadge neatly coiffed! again, even if you don’t plan on having your privates licked, fondled, or visible in any way, shape, or form… this is for you. it’s always nice to keep yourself in tip top shape! look good feel good. cuz you can! and besides, WHO knows who could end up down there. even if its just YOU touching yourself, it’s a nice gesture.

4. NO sweatpants. technically ever! but especially TODAY!

5. if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends (boys and girls), go out, and have a dance party!

6. yes, even though it’s valentine’s day, DO go on a first date or a blind date. no, it isn’t too intense JUST because it’s valentines day. chillax. it’s just a day with no real meaning, other than an excuse to get dressed up, be fucked, eat chocolate, get flowers, feel lonely, and/or talk about love with your friends. choose the fun choices dum dum! it’s not such a big deal!

7. Buy YOURSELF flowers! I do it ALL the time!

8. if you’re single, stay home and have a movie marathon! watch these movies/TV shows: valley girl, moonstruck, flash dance, before sunset, before sunrise, Annie hall, Manhattan, when harry met sally, dazed and confused, truth or dare, the devil wears prada, sex and the city (the tv show, NOT the movies) THEN: take a bubble bath, light a candle, moisturize, touch yourself until you make yourself cum, and then doze off. personally, i like to call this ‘monday’.

9. it’s: ‘Valentine’s Day’! NOT : ‘Valen-TIMES day’! what’s up with the popularity of this mispronunciation lately? is there some new rap song to blame for this? and if so, send me the link!

10. alternate: if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends, STAY IN and blab about life, boys, sex/watch movies, etc. remember slumber parties?! yeah, they’re fucking great!

11. yes, i strongly encourage you to see the bieber movie or ‘no strings attached’ alone on valentines day! yeah, i said it! why the fuck not? just don’t buy too much candy. one small popcorn, no butter and one chice of candy TOPS! may i suggest: red vines, peanut m&ms, or gummy bears? you’re welcome in advance! xo

12. yes, have so much sex you can barely walk the next day. if this involves flying to visit a boy you met on new years eve with long hair and is younger than you, i completely back up that choice. wait, can you tell i’m talking about me?

13. if you have your period and the dude knows it and still wants to lick your p**sy, you are the luckiest girl in the world. PS: the dude is no longer to be considered a boy. he is a gnarly, badass, sexy, MAN. like out of an 8o’s movie or something.

14. let the dude pay. you’re a woman, he’s the dude, AND its mother fucking valentine’s day. it may be 2011, but we have to find the perfect balance between old school and new school values. more on that later.

15. get a manicure pedicure.

16. wear matching undies. i suggest shopping at la perla. it’s uber expensive, but soo beautiful. the only bummer is when you realize you spent like $300 on a matching bra and panty set, and the boy who’s taking them off you couldn’t care less what your bra and undies look like, unless they were like stained granny undies or something way gross like that- then he’d notice, but other than that: he just wants to get your boobs in his mouth and his privates deep in your privates.

17. kiss sooo much that his 5 o’clock shadow gives you an intense dose of microdermabrasion! you can just tell people you got wind burn. or do what i do and say to anyone whose path you cross: ‘oh my god, i totally made out soo much that the boys facial hair took off a layer of my face! do i look like a monster? no, don’t answer! i already know the answer to that question. happy valentines day’!

18. let your boyfriend cook you dinner. PS: it’s totally OK to eat carbohydrates tonight, cuz you’re gonna need the energy and will burn it all off during your super epic intense sex sesh!

19. play spin the bottle! (even if you’re alone. just sit in front of a mirror and spin. that. bottle.)

20. read Kelly cutrone’s book: ‘if you have to cry, go outside- and other things your mother never told you.’ it’s so fucking epic and inspiring!

21. get a massage. this day could be just another day..OR you could use it as an excuse to do nice things for yourself and feel girly and sexy.

22. go to a Korean naked spa. however, don’t go if you are having your period. that’s just plain rude/disrespectful.

23. drink lots of tea!

24. organize your closet.

25. write a list for yourself that describes the kind of man/boy and type of relationship you’re looking for/hoping to find!

26. call your mom and say hello!

27. text everyone you know and wish them a happy valentines day.

28. if you’re single and you see a cute dude at a bar/club/what have you, use ‘happy valentine’s day’ as the perfect conversation starter!

29. dear mistletoe, what the fuck?! way to abandon the world RIGHT when we need you most! so, you’re available around Christmas time- but you’re nowhere to be found on valentine’s day when we could really use the make-out help/wing-man esque assistance you provide? thanks for nothing!

30. love yourself. cuz if you don’t, why should anyone else? you attract people operating on the same level as yourself/people who match your mind-frame. so let’s keep your own personal bar of self respect and love super high! cuz if you don’t…. just imagine the creeps you’re gonna attract. creeps who will only like you/treat you as much as you like/treat yourself.

31. read all of my past blog entries! they will only make you feel BETTER! i promise!

32. this also goes for my podcasts! Boycrazy Radio’ will at least DISTRACT you if you’re feeling down! (click HERE to find it on i-tunes)

33. for the love of god: WEAR SOMETHING SEXY!

34. go on a bike ride in a short skirt. be aware of predators and rapists. avoid them at all costs and continue your ride. pedal faster if you have to!

35 remember: you are never alone. i love you.

36 Responses to “happy valentine’s day!”

  1. love love love.

  2. love love love <3

  3. ahahaha YES. dying.

  4. i got drunk.
    is it okay/pathetic or does it count to #6?
    cause im reallllly drunk

    p.s. im totally watching sex and the city (AGAIN) and it was my own idea – great minds thinks alike? ;O

    xoxo Alexi, have a great valentine’s day

  5. I love you Alexi, your girl-power posts always make my pathetic and lovless days as a high school senior in East Bumblefuck so much brighter <3 Happy Valentine's Day xoxoxoxo

  6. God, I love these posts! You’re at the top of my “People I wish would meet me for Happy Hour.”

    #14 – SERIOUSLY! “we have to find the perfect balance between old school and new school values.”

  7. i love all of this. and you. you’re fucking awesome.

    but just a question: are YOU are on your period? it’s in every other rule. you seem enamoured with the thought of bloody period fucks. <3

  8. Just gonna leave this here for you:

    Also I would like to add that it’s good to you air the pro-period stuff, as it’s a bummer when a girl isn’t down on the occasion. I’ll end with a v-day limerick about the aforementioned topic.

    I’m Bloodsport man
    like jean claude van damme.
    Yet still no sucess,
    with the bloody sex…

  9. quaffed: Drink (something, esp. an alcoholic drink) heartily

    coiffed: Styled or arranged (someone’s hair), typically in an elaborate way

  10. haha you’re a crazy bitch

    i love you too


  11. Last Valentine’s Day my bff and I made penis shaped cookies and then went out drinking and wound up sitting next to Whitney Port at some dive bar.

    AND a dude friend of ours tagged along and paid for all the drinks and took us out to eat at 2am. Best V-Day evah.

  12. I was on the way home from a road trip and these guys were in front of my friend & me & kept looking at us in their rear view mirrors and waving. They took a different turn off and we were semi bummed. THEN a few miles down the track she said ‘Oh my god. Don’t look. Be subtle. They’re BEHIND US!’ so we kept travelling and then pulled over so I could pee I mean powder my nose and they pulled up next to us and wanted to follow us because they were lost. We didn’t get their numbers and they were fucking CUTE but we decided that if we’re out one night that we’ll probably come across them. ‘Coz fate is fate right? It was the best thing ever esp. after my mums hot babe neighbour semi ignored my existance after I last dropped him in an awesome hip hop c.d after we’d both expressed our mutual love for good hip hop. I always read back on your blog posts when I’m figuring out wtf is going ON with my life.

  13. i save the bind date for the 3rd or 4th date. unless i really trust her then i’ll let her bind me on the first one.

  14. I love how long this one is! Keep them coming girl!

    I just want to share that a Yuri Pleskun look-alike and I had a run in today, although nothing happened (fuck) it was so great!

    Happy Valentine’s day, Alexi!

  15. <3 Happy V-Day Lexi!
    Im super happy i have a BF this year. I got flowers and chocolate. No sex yet, he has to work. But he'll be making it up to me later this week! 😀

  16. LMAO… thanks for the epic V-day post, my man is enjoy fashion and parties at PROJECT in Vegas.. I am at home eating ice cream cookies and watching hulu.. SEXLESS but this cheered me up! Cograts on the New Years eve boy! 😉

  17. @knottyman…i think she meant “blind date” lol but hey i guess a bind date works if thats your thing…

  18. I think i accomplished at least half of this list. Including the movies alone. And I fucking loved it. However I added baking cupcakes and not eating even one…Everyone else can get fat on valentines day<3LYLAS

  19. YES YES YES!!!! Especially 1 & 13. There’s nothing hotter than a MAN who doesn’t care! xo

  20. hey guys, anybody got Alexi’s Email? thanks

  21. Seismic waves reported: ground zero Chicago

    Bloody Mary: always in style

  22. I love these all SO much. alexi you rock!

    1. my boyfriend and I did this on halloween and totally joked about how it was so murder-scene-y and perfect for halloween… haha!

  23. There IS a rap song where they say “valenTIMES!” (at least it strongly sounds like it) check it out!…I have been annoyed by the same thing! Starts at 1:45.

  24. caught my woman giving head to my roommate/bestfriend on a spy cam in my own fucking bedroom! what should i do i’m mortified how could she?this happened while i was out getting her flowers for valentines day.i’m broken hearted here in utah at byu. can’t sleep can’t eat can’t even jackoff!!!!!!!!!!! p.s. no joke

  25. i’m gonna drop the big one on these fuckers and see what the fuck happens

  26. how do you get blood out of carpet and walls?? bleach? tee- hee just kidding but still pissed in fucking utah

  27. 35 ways to say WOO-HOO!

  28. Earn your red wings boys!

  29. alexi, Thanks for this post it was on of my favorites. I’m abroad right now and even though i had a date i was feeling super lonely . this reminded me that I’m so lucky and have every reason to be happy! you are so amazing i wish i could write like you! love u

  30. Great post!!!!! I especially love number 30 + 35- it has taken me a long time to figure those two things out. But now that I live by them, I feel so happy! You are so awesome, Alexi. Happy Valentine’s Day. <3 xoxo

  31. what korean spa do you recommend?

  32. this is my favorite blog of all time.

  33. is it ok to punch your best friend for letting your girl friend blow him

  34. no glove no love,keep that nasty discharge to yourself

  35. #13 & #1: i will not rest until i find a man like that, i swear.

  36. or schedule a surgery for feb 14th like i did.

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