BLOG » happy valentine’s day!
1. DO have bloody crime scene sex if you’re having your period, but REALLY want to sleep with the boy of your dreams. if he’s a man, he can totally handle it and won’t give a FUCK!
2. Shave your legs, even if you don’t have a date, a life, a man, or plans in general. you NEVER know what’s gonna happen! YES, we all know the urban legend that says good things happen when we FORGET to shave our legs… but come on ladies, just fucking shave them. it’s valentine’s day. do it for YOU!
3. keep you’re vadge neatly coiffed! again, even if you don’t plan on having your privates licked, fondled, or visible in any way, shape, or form… this is for you. it’s always nice to keep yourself in tip top shape! look good feel good. cuz you can! and besides, WHO knows who could end up down there. even if its just YOU touching yourself, it’s a nice gesture.
4. NO sweatpants. technically ever! but especially TODAY!
5. if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends (boys and girls), go out, and have a dance party!
6. yes, even though it’s valentine’s day, DO go on a first date or a blind date. no, it isn’t too intense JUST because it’s valentines day. chillax. it’s just a day with no real meaning, other than an excuse to get dressed up, be fucked, eat chocolate, get flowers, feel lonely, and/or talk about love with your friends. choose the fun choices dum dum! it’s not such a big deal!
7. Buy YOURSELF flowers! I do it ALL the time!
8. if you’re single, stay home and have a movie marathon! watch these movies/TV shows: valley girl, moonstruck, flash dance, before sunset, before sunrise, Annie hall, Manhattan, when harry met sally, dazed and confused, truth or dare, the devil wears prada, sex and the city (the tv show, NOT the movies) THEN: take a bubble bath, light a candle, moisturize, touch yourself until you make yourself cum, and then doze off. personally, i like to call this ‘monday’.
9. it’s: ‘Valentine’s Day’! NOT : ‘Valen-TIMES day’! what’s up with the popularity of this mispronunciation lately? is there some new rap song to blame for this? and if so, send me the link!
10. alternate: if you don’t have a date, get together with all your friends, STAY IN and blab about life, boys, sex/watch movies, etc. remember slumber parties?! yeah, they’re fucking great!
11. yes, i strongly encourage you to see the bieber movie or ‘no strings attached’ alone on valentines day! yeah, i said it! why the fuck not? just don’t buy too much candy. one small popcorn, no butter and one chice of candy TOPS! may i suggest: red vines, peanut m&ms, or gummy bears? you’re welcome in advance! xo
12. yes, have so much sex you can barely walk the next day. if this involves flying to visit a boy you met on new years eve with long hair and is younger than you, i completely back up that choice. wait, can you tell i’m talking about me?
13. if you have your period and the dude knows it and still wants to lick your p**sy, you are the luckiest girl in the world. PS: the dude is no longer to be considered a boy. he is a gnarly, badass, sexy, MAN. like out of an 8o’s movie or something.
14. let the dude pay. you’re a woman, he’s the dude, AND its mother fucking valentine’s day. it may be 2011, but we have to find the perfect balance between old school and new school values. more on that later.
15. get a manicure pedicure.
16. wear matching undies. i suggest shopping at la perla. it’s uber expensive, but soo beautiful. the only bummer is when you realize you spent like $300 on a matching bra and panty set, and the boy who’s taking them off you couldn’t care less what your bra and undies look like, unless they were like stained granny undies or something way gross like that- then he’d notice, but other than that: he just wants to get your boobs in his mouth and his privates deep in your privates.
17. kiss sooo much that his 5 o’clock shadow gives you an intense dose of microdermabrasion! you can just tell people you got wind burn. or do what i do and say to anyone whose path you cross: ‘oh my god, i totally made out soo much that the boys facial hair took off a layer of my face! do i look like a monster? no, don’t answer! i already know the answer to that question. happy valentines day’!
18. let your boyfriend cook you dinner. PS: it’s totally OK to eat carbohydrates tonight, cuz you’re gonna need the energy and will burn it all off during your super epic intense sex sesh!
19. play spin the bottle! (even if you’re alone. just sit in front of a mirror and spin. that. bottle.)
20. read Kelly cutrone’s book: ‘if you have to cry, go outside- and other things your mother never told you.’ it’s so fucking epic and inspiring!
21. get a massage. this day could be just another day..OR you could use it as an excuse to do nice things for yourself and feel girly and sexy.
22. go to a Korean naked spa. however, don’t go if you are having your period. that’s just plain rude/disrespectful.
23. drink lots of tea!
24. organize your closet.
25. write a list for yourself that describes the kind of man/boy and type of relationship you’re looking for/hoping to find!
26. call your mom and say hello!
27. text everyone you know and wish them a happy valentines day.
28. if you’re single and you see a cute dude at a bar/club/what have you, use ‘happy valentine’s day’ as the perfect conversation starter!
29. dear mistletoe, what the fuck?! way to abandon the world RIGHT when we need you most! so, you’re available around Christmas time- but you’re nowhere to be found on valentine’s day when we could really use the make-out help/wing-man esque assistance you provide? thanks for nothing!
30. love yourself. cuz if you don’t, why should anyone else? you attract people operating on the same level as yourself/people who match your mind-frame. so let’s keep your own personal bar of self respect and love super high! cuz if you don’t…. just imagine the creeps you’re gonna attract. creeps who will only like you/treat you as much as you like/treat yourself.
31. read all of my past blog entries! they will only make you feel BETTER! i promise!
33. for the love of god: WEAR SOMETHING SEXY!
34. go on a bike ride in a short skirt. be aware of predators and rapists. avoid them at all costs and continue your ride. pedal faster if you have to!
35 remember: you are never alone. i love you.