the blind leading the blind (part 60):

1. don’t leave something at a guys house as a ploy to get him to call you or so you have an excuse to call him. let him call you because he wants to! in the meantime, stay busy.

2. it’s better to stay home and get much needed rest, rather than be seen in public looking like a haggard piece of shit who’s chasing the party. FYI: I’m reading this aloud while I look at myself in the mirror.

3. in relationships: compromise breeds resentment. but so can no compromise whatsoever. good luck!

4. girls: before a night out/sexy time rendezvous, ALWAYS make sure you don’t have any rogue black hairs growing out of your boobs. you’re welcome.

5. a gentleman never asks, and a woman never tells. this goes for topics like age and number of sexual partners.

6. you know you REALLY love someone/care about them when you keep their secrets, even though it kills you… cuz the perfect opportunities to bring up the secret tidbit keep popping up and would only enhance said conversation and blow peoples minds! But sometimes biting your tongue and holding back, being cool and having discretion trumps blowing peoples minds. you can blow your own mind by showing/proving to yourself that you can actually keep a goddamn secret and keep your fucking mouth shut!

7. don’t be so super critical of who you love. just trust your gut! stop being so judgmental about the dude you choose! it’s about how you FEEL! i mean geeze, as long as he has a car, money, good style, a nice body, a great relationship with his mom, is funny, ambitious, and treats you with respect… you’re good to go. so date freely and stop over-thinking!

8. shorter nails provide optimal texting capability! this seems trivial, i know. but sometimes we just need a reminder of the little things. i mean, god is in the details, riiiiiiight?

9. when on the precipice  or even in the midst of a fling, make-out, hang sesh, hookup- sometimes you have to ask yourself: what is the goal? is it love, or just an experience? It’s important to know how you feel, what you want, what you’re getting yourself into, and how hurt  you could get. and then throw all that out the window and just go with the flow.

10. in spite of it ALL, people still fall in love. phew.

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’!

BOYCRAZY RADIO!!! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

CALL ME TONIGHT

WEDNESDAY April 27, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

We’ll bro out, role play,

& discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

make it YOURS mondays: knee sox & a cute kitty!

make it YOURS mondays: knee sox & cute kitty from alexi wasser on Vimeo.

If YOU wanna make next monday YOURS, click HERE for details!

and for the love of god, make it fucking YOURS god dammit! xo

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’!


CALL ME TONIGHT

WEDNESDAY April 20, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

We’ll bro out, role play,

& discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

one of each- a single girls dating checklist:

You’re young, you’re adorable, and you have your whole life ahead of you- before you have ties you can’t cut and responsibilities that weigh you down. and even if you NEVER have ANY of those things holding you back, the time is NOW to start (one at a time?) dating one of each type of the guys I’ve listed below. You’re welcome! Ready, set, go:

1. a fireman.

2. a laker.

3. a guy with a big private.

4. a top tier rapper.

5. a front man.

6. a drummer.

7. a mechanic.

8. a really sexy dumb guy with a tan who could be mistaken for a cowboy or a prostitute.

9. a movie star.

10. a nerd.

11. a man (young OR old) with salt and pepper hair.

12. an Asian guy with long hair who defies every stereotype.

13. a really funny guy.

14. a super femme straight guy.

15. a broody writer.

16. an 18 year old.

17. a 22yr old.

18. a guy who looks like a sexy vampire.

19. a painter.

20. a lawyer.

21. a guy with a motorcycle.

22. a guy with a vespa.

23. a guy with a cleft palette.

24. a guy who loves his mom.

25. a chef. but only for a brief period, so the time to lose the weight you’ve gained before you’re on to the next guy is minimal.

26. A guy who drives a prius.

27. a guy who drives a range rover.

28. a guy who has a driver.

29. a skateboarder (I.E. a guy who drives a skateboard) with abs of steel.

30. a guy with a neck tattoo.

31. a romantic.

32. a guy with a lisp.

33. a guy who doesn’t wear deodorant or cologne.

34. a guy who loves you.

35. a guy you don’t love, but the sex is amazing.

36. the owner of a major business/company.

37. a guy with a cat.

38. a guy with no dog.

39. a guy who eats healthy.

40. a surfer with shoulder length sun bleached blond hair.

41. Lenny kravitz.

42. a guy named: max, Simon, jasper, Wes, roman, Nate, Spencer, or Felix.

43. not a guy with dread locks.

44. a guy who would NEVER give up coffee, cuz he LOVES it/knows it’s so great!

45. a guy who wears, or just LOOKS like he’s wearing eyeliner.

46. a guy with a cool/great family that you really like, who really like you too.

47. an english guy.

48. a french guy. Only so you can learn the language while sexxxing and laying around in bed between kisses.

49. a red head.

50. an older man.

51. a younger man.

make it YOURS mondays!

If YOU wanna make next monday YOURS, click HERE for details!

and for the love of god, make it fucking YOURS god dammit! xo

TONIGHT: ‘Boycrazy Radio’!

BOYCRAZY RADIO!!! from alexi wasser on Vimeo.


CALL ME TONIGHT

WEDNESDAY April 13, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

We’ll bro out, role play,

& discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

the blind leading the blind (part 59):

1. start ONLY referring to Los Angeles as ‘tinseltown’.

2. if you can’t afford to tip, don’t bother going out. Do it right or don’t do it at all.

3. boys: wake your girlfriend up by going down on her. She’ll LOVE it… even if she doesn’t love YOU!

4. girls: when preparing for an epic sexy-time rendezvous, always make sure your sexual lounging attire IE: slips, onesies, silk robes, and/or bra and panty sets are clean and clear of any semen from previous suitors. It could really kill the mood.

5. don’t forget: you’re dying! there’s no time to waste. do as much as you can!

6. there’s nothing sexier than a guy WITHOUT a facebook page.

7. if you bite your toenails, don’t wear open toed shoes. Wait, hold up… you bite your toenails?

8. wake up everyday and do at LEAST one thing that will get you closer to your goal/making your dreams come true.

9. stop asking/don’t ask people to see your play, stand-up or one woman show! It’s totes embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone! If you’re really my friend, then why are you making me do this?!

10. always remember to look up at the sky, the clouds, the moon,  the stars! then text a cute boy in another state or someone who might even live in the same city as you to ‘look at the moon.’ it’s UUBER romantic!

alone at disneyland:

It was a Sunday night. I’d been feeling soooo bad the days prior. I needed to get out of my head. I had just seen two movies by myself (‘The Adjustment Bureau’ AND ‘Limitless’) back to back at two different theatres. When I got home I was so inspired by ‘Limitless’, at 4am I was signing up for various classes (types of classes that would normally make me feel so embarrassed for myself. but there’s just no time to be embarrassed or self conscious anymore. Time is running out. so i decided to walk through the embarrassment.) I signed up for an improv class, and a writing workshop (you’re welcome! maybe I’ll start capitalizing and learn about something i heard about called ‘grammar, punctuation, and spelling), I bought a great ticket (just for me/party of one) to a Laker game for the coming Tuesday (section 101, row 9). And the next morning I jumped in my car and headed to Disneyland. Solo! I needed to get out of Hollywood. I was just happy to drive to a new part of California. No matter how ugly, bland, and industrial.

I walked into a starbux adjacent to the park and immediately knew going on this little excursion was the right decision, as both the guys/baristas working behind the counter were gorgeous, 22, and looked like they could have been featured extras in any of the twilight films. One for each clan! Cullen OR werewolf side. Phew. Even though e’erybody KNOWS at my core, I’m team Bella!

I was feeling good. I parked in the Minnie Mouse section of the parking structure, and felt super high brow drinking my venti nonfat vanilla latte on the tram ride to the park! i paid $72 for my ticket and I was through the turnstile! At last! I was reliving… NO, more like, taking back my childhood! But this time ON MY TERMS!

Everyone was so ugly, un-chic, and overweight! I felt like a princess! Who was I surrounded by? Why is everything about me, you ask? Well, because my existence is seen and experienced through MY eyes. that’s why. Just like your life is seen from your point of view. But really, who were these people? There were groups from so many different walks of life.

Immediately I saw those people. Those theme park people who get off on being the masters of the park. It’s their home away from home. Dry humping against the wall in their target clothing. And I’m not talking about the featured designer target lines. These peoples ‘theme park mastery’ and ‘I don’t give a fuck attitude’ is all they’ll ever aspire to know. It’s sad and familiar, cuz I think I used to be intimidated by these bonehead types when I was like twelve. I’m hoping younger or never, but probably twelve.

I saw tourists from far away lands and not so far away lands, ugly baby’s, adorable toddlers, child molesters with milky/doughy sunburned skin and rubbery lipped grins. I saw girls with guys not up to their level of cuteness. i saw labels like ‘hollister’, ‘ed hardy’ and ‘juicy’ sprawled over ladies track suit bums. i saw super fit dudes with bleached blonde heffers who didn’t even look like they had a positive attitude or lovely personality to make up for the extreme difference in aesthetics: Think every mom on ‘teen mom’. How do these sloppy train-wreck girls manage to pussy whip/wrap these dufus’s around their spray tanned/french manicured/sausage fingers with such a fowl mouth and rude behavior? must be mommy issues and/or no self esteem? for now, i’ll surrender to the mystery.

All of these thoughts and feelings before I’d even looked at my map! What ride would I go on first? Pirates of the Caribbean, the Haunted Mansion, the Matterhorn Bobsleds? so far, people watching was enough. going here alone was like a walking meditation. Being alone, but surrounded by people, and not having to speak was more isolating than just being alone at home watching ‘Khloe and Lamar’ or whatevs. what i did know was, at SOME point, I’d have to allow myself a churro and a soft pretzel with mustard! I just HAD to! I knew I’d feel guilty about it later, but not while I was at Disneyland. There is no guilt at Disneyland. Except for the latent memory of racism, greed, and god knows what else…. but that was then, and this is now!

Suddenly, in my fantasy churro haze, I realized I was staring directly at the cellulite on the thighs of two teenage girls in short shorts. And it made me feel so good! shhhh. just listen! it made me feel good for two reasons: A. It made me feel better about MY OWN body. And 2. Because they were so fearless and accepting of THEIRS! They were just putting it all out there! Hurrah.

On a side note, splash mountain was closed. But I would be OK. #firstworldproblems. Also, one of the best things about this place, I just noticed…no dogs! Just hot dogs.

I wondered if I’d see any pockets of hipsters or have the rare celeb sighting. you know, like when you’re at some remote thrift store in the middle of nowhere and you think ‘great, all the good finds will be mine! I’ll own the joint!’ But then you see the perfectly styled/coiffed Japanese tourists there to snag all the best 50 cotton 5o poly tees for their uuber chic vintage shops in Tokyo! And suddenly you don’t feel so special anymore.

Passing by a gift shop, I saw they were selling autograph books and it reminded me of when I came to Disneyland when I was little and asked my mom to buy me one. maybe from this very shop! Except, I didn’t understand it was to collect other peoples autographs and signatures. Instead, I filled it with variations of my OWN signature! What. A. Dick.

To my left I saw fourteen year olds with fupas, white middle aged men with their mail order Asian brides, spouting all the rides their docile wife wouldn’t like and wouldn’t be allowed to go on. gross. But who knows what these women’s alternate life options were. To my right, I saw a fat, grumpy looking white women bossing around her husband who was hopefully cheating on her… for his sake.

What I noticed about so many of these grim people who looked so dead inside, was that they could have been ANYTHING if they’d believed in themselves and took some initiative! They were probably all religious and into god too; spewing this and that about faith. But when it came to having faith in themselves, that’s where they dropped the ball. Now the bitterness had frozen on their worn/tired/angry faces. And it hurt when I looked at these faces. It’s sad. If you really stop and look, you can feel peoples pain, and unrealized dreams. I could feel the lack of belief in themselves, and a general sense of having given up or just never having tried at all. But this was too miserable to think about. it was time to buy a churro.


TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ WITH GUEST JOSH TILLMAN!

TONIGHT WEDNESDAY APRIL 6, 2011

BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

WITH SPECIAL GUEST JOSH TILLMAN:

WRITER (CHECK OUT HIS BLOG/BOOK, IT’S AS DEEP AS HE IS! YOU CAN EVEN E-MAIL HIM AND TELL HIM WHAT YOU THINK. ALSO, HE’S SINGLE LADIES! YOU’RE WELCOME)

SINGER, SONGWRITER, DRUMMER, AND OVERALL WIZARDMASTER OF SOUND.

GIRLS, ASK HIM ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING!

HE’S IN A BAND CALLED ‘FLEET FOXES’! YES, HE’S EVEN BEEN ON SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE! SHHHHH. CALM DOWN… EVEN THOUGH I CAN’T!

BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY: HE’S ALSO A SOLO ARTIST, WHO GOES BY THE NAME: J. TILLMAN.

BUT I JUST CALL HIM JOSH.

HE EVEN HELPED ME ONCE BY GIVING ME A DRUM LESSON! AND TONIGHT, HE’S GONNA HELP YOU:

BY OFFERING THE MALE POINT OF VEIW. BY OFFERING A MALE PERSPECTIVE. OR JUST A JOSH PERSPECTIVE!

CALL IN AND ASK HIM/ME/US WHATEVS! JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN!

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

We’ll bro out, role play,

& discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio



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