BLOG » how to tell you’ve given the WRONG guy a blow job:

feel free to listen to this post in audio form:

How to tell you’ve given the wrong guy a blow job by imboycrazy

So you decided to hook up with the sexually ambiguous model/dj/scenester dude. don’t worry, we’ve all been there. or we all haven’t. but I’m sure some of us have. anyways… you know you should have known better, but his sexual ambiguity coupled with his bee stung lips, consistent claiming that he is in fact NOT gay, long list of good-looking ex girlfriends (which in the grand scheme of things is meaningless),  and the fact that you know he has a huge private… leaves you powerless and intrigued to the point of no return. and just when you think, ok, maybe i can have sex with this guy and it’ll be a fun, modern, upbeat no strings attached but minus the heartbreak or hurt experience… he handles it so poorly (not that he even cares), you don’t know how you could have put yourself in the situation to begin with. it’s so ridiculous and lame, you have to laugh at yourself for hanging out with such an unsavvy bonehead to begin with.

the ‘how to tell you’ve given the wrong dude a blowjob’ checklist:

1. he doesn’t even try to make you cum. even after you say, specifically,  ‘i want you to make me cum too.’

2. he cums in your mouth after you tell him not to.

3. when you spit out a bit of the cum that you didn’t expect to be in your mouth to begin with (especially since it’s the FIRST blow job, and the lady should at least have an option. and besides, a girl saying ‘cum on my tits’ isn’t exactly NOT sexy) he gets all American psycho and fixates on the cum on the bed, and cleans it all up asap. making a point of it.

4. after, while he’s sitting up, you come up behind him and wrap your arms around him, he says ‘hey, you have cum in your hair. i can feel it on my shoulder.’ and you say ‘so? who cares?’ and he says ‘i do. i just cleaned up. put your hair in a ponytail or something.’

5. as you get up to leave, he says nothing. and seems completely detached, emotionless, and dead behind his eyes.

6. he doesn’t walk you to your car after you ask him to.

7. he doesn’t even walk you to the door. he just lays there and stares at you.

8. as you awkwardly stand in the doorway of is room and ask ‘but how should i lock the door?’ he just looks at you and slowly replies after a bizarro awkward beat ‘you know, how you lock any door.’

ps: i really think you should follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

xoxo

By: boycrazy on May 5, 2011
Tags: , ,


44 Responses to “how to tell you’ve given the WRONG guy a blow job:”

  1. Kake, on May 4th, 2011 at 2:09 am Said:

    FIRST!? Wonderful article, I’ll keep it in mind when my time comes…;)


  2. Sonia, on May 4th, 2011 at 2:27 am Said:

    i’m glad to read & listen this before i gonna bed. love u Alexi.


  3. Sasha Lane, on May 4th, 2011 at 4:23 am Said:

    Couldn’t start my day off any better!


  4. Patrick, on May 4th, 2011 at 4:32 am Said:

    Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always treated blowjobs as foreplay. If a woman wants me to be the only one to cum, then so be it, I’ll let her complete the task. But if she wants me to go down on her as well, I have no problem with that. In fact it’s quite gratifying to be able to make a woman cum by going down on her.

    Any guy that treats a woman with disrespect after they’ve accepted your cock in their mouth to completetion is someone trying to lower her self esteem. Unfortunately, it seems to work too much of the time.


  5. Mathias, on May 4th, 2011 at 4:39 am Said:

    I like the audio audition


  6. HeyitsAlexP, on May 4th, 2011 at 5:00 am Said:

    Unfortunately I can relate to this. But in my experience it isn’t hipster boys that are the culprits.


  7. mollyslips, on May 4th, 2011 at 6:04 am Said:

    How guys like this exist?!


  8. mollyslips, on May 4th, 2011 at 6:04 am Said:

    *do

    …heh


  9. Helena, on May 4th, 2011 at 6:30 am Said:

    If this little scenario went down exactly how you describe it, I’m sorry! I don’t know how many years of therapy it would take to get over such a horror.


  10. mollyslips, on May 4th, 2011 at 7:02 am Said:

    Seriously.

    If the guy who actually did this to you manages to read this:

    HEY, EVERYONE THINKS YOU’RE A FREAKY ASSHOLE.


  11. ...., on May 4th, 2011 at 10:02 am Said:

    Unfortunately, I can relate to this as well AND with hipster boys. Gross.


  12. Liz, on May 4th, 2011 at 10:37 am Said:

    love this! you should post more!


  13. littlehands, on May 4th, 2011 at 11:27 am Said:

    I love that the audio version of this sounds exactly like I imagine it when I read the text version.
    Totally been there, and I knew it was headed in that direction, but it really is hard to resist the sexually ambiguous model/dj/scenester dude.


  14. Kilgore Trout, on May 4th, 2011 at 5:05 pm Said:

    Seem to hear ladies yearning for fun, modern, one night dalliances but when the rubber meets the road they are crushed when the romance is absent. Seems like this bloke was given a kilometer and made good use of the open road– can’t say I blame him about the spillage either, if it were me I probably would have requested you tidy things up.


  15. thomas, on May 4th, 2011 at 6:34 pm Said:

    men suck, & this is coming from one. how does any self respecting man treat a woman like this? maybe i’m just from a different era, whether it’s a 1 nite stand or a long term relationship, treat the other person with a modicom of respect. GEEZ!


  16. PJ ROURK, on May 4th, 2011 at 6:34 pm Said:

    MAYBE IF HE’S RELATED TO YOU!


  17. wannabe Tucker, on May 4th, 2011 at 7:17 pm Said:

    You volunteer to polish the knob too early, and you get what you get. Honestly, WTF do you expect to happen? Did you want to cuddle? Be held? YOU GOT THE BONUS PLAN BABY! Act like a cock holster and you’ll be treated like one.


  18. madison, on May 4th, 2011 at 10:06 pm Said:

    4-8 seems just WAY TOO RIDICULOUS!!! Does that really happen?!?!?!?!?!?!? That is so completely uncool and mean and AWFULL!!!!! NOT OKAY!


  19. gizela, on May 4th, 2011 at 10:36 pm Said:

    oh, yeah! this from the honorary phd panelist expert at ucla. what was that? like cultural studies where they labeled a buncha kids hipster and then they hipstered it out as lame in the end because they didn’t have anything to say? best thing for students lately is to get other adults who bypassed college teaching them stuff! you may also recognize this policy as bankrupting the middle class or whatever…


  20. boycrazy, on May 5th, 2011 at 12:08 am Said:

    huh?


  21. Mia, on May 5th, 2011 at 12:29 am Said:

    It’s happened to me, unfortunately.


  22. Andy, on May 5th, 2011 at 1:07 am Said:

    Cock holsters are fun, but it’s kinda disappointing when they go down the first night if you were diggin’ the chick.


  23. Andy, on May 5th, 2011 at 1:10 am Said:

    Makes you wonder, she always this quick to oblige?


  24. Toni Alayne, on May 5th, 2011 at 6:42 am Said:

    I knew this was gonna be terrible the minute I read “sexually ambiguous model/dj/scenester dude”… As a rule of thumb, I stay away from all of the above. They are all cut from the same douche cloth, i.e. overimportant, broke and they always seem to have that “dick in the dirt” look on their face. I just cant do it anymore! Its like freakin smile, you jackass! And take off that stupid hat, you look like one of the singing crows from Dumbo.


  25. PJ ROURK, on May 5th, 2011 at 10:44 am Said:

    The human head weighs 8 pounds.


  26. PJ ROURK, on May 5th, 2011 at 10:55 am Said:

    What if the wrong girl gives you the wrong kind of blow job?With braces!


  27. AM, on May 5th, 2011 at 11:18 pm Said:

    is this about AJ English?


  28. JerryA, on May 6th, 2011 at 8:55 am Said:

    you are without a doubt a horrific slut!


  29. t, on May 6th, 2011 at 10:10 am Said:

    what a great photo. hot damn!


  30. pj rourk, on May 6th, 2011 at 11:06 am Said:

    What if the right girl give you the right blow job but does it in public at a dodgers game in the 9th inning when everyones gone home?


  31. Semi-Ryukyu, on May 6th, 2011 at 9:20 pm Said:

    As a guy I hate to say this, but…

    Resisting your urges and stringing him along for a date or two really lets you do a better job of filtering out selfish assholes. It’s not 100%, but it gives you much better odds.

    And that goes the other way, too. Way back when, I dated this girl who I was madly in lust with. We missed a hook-up opportunity and went out on a date the next weekend. After 4 hours of 1-sided conversation (I tried, but couldn’t get a word in edgewise) about shoes, make-up, girlfriends she hated and celebrity relationships, I was glad not to have wasted an orgasm on her.


  32. pj rourk, on May 7th, 2011 at 11:50 am Said:

    $800.for two tickets to LA from Ann Arbor Michigan.$50.for two tickets to dodger stadium to see the cubs get blasted.A blow job in the ninth inning from the right girl…PRICELESS!GO CUBS!And she swallows,yay!


  33. J.P., on May 7th, 2011 at 12:05 pm Said:

    This story made me sad. You’re giving blowjobs to the wrong guys.


  34. Shelly Shlong, on May 8th, 2011 at 8:50 pm Said:

    Self-asserted and imposed it-girl gone south style… Grassroots indie it-girl movement. I think that’s a bit sad.


  35. thomas, on May 8th, 2011 at 11:33 pm Said:

    goodbye alexi. nobody responds to me on twitter anymore, or here either. i’m done. good luck with the showtime series. it will be awesome. love to you always, farewell.


  36. Andrei Popa, on May 9th, 2011 at 7:59 am Said:

    I think until step 3 or mostly 4 is enough, and you should just leave.


  37. Dee, on May 9th, 2011 at 9:33 am Said:

    I think most young women have been in some form of this situation. It sucks that this kind of shit happens. your welcome for the favor asshole. I would have gone off on him after the whole cum in my mouth thing. That is something that I can’t stand. Better yet, I probably would have just thrown up on him.


  38. thomas, on May 9th, 2011 at 9:06 pm Said:

    please disregard previous post. anger meltdown. core temperature back to normal. thank you.


  39. pj rourk, on May 10th, 2011 at 12:40 pm Said:

    Tom all is forgiven give Alexi a second chance!Check her out as a blonde!Thank you baby jesus!I ment that in the most respectful way possible Ms. Wasser


  40. PJ ROURK, on May 10th, 2011 at 6:48 pm Said:

    Alexi you are such a romantic,just an olde fashioned gal!


  41. thomas, on May 10th, 2011 at 10:32 pm Said:

    i have seen cabin fever 2 and a short film called fun on earth available online. she was blonde in that, too. i prefer her as a brunette. the dark hair is a beautiful contrast to her light complexion and stunning baby-blues.


  42. Pablito666, on May 11th, 2011 at 11:24 pm Said:

    This is really funny stuff! Why the hell is everyone taking it so seriously?


  43. emily, on May 12th, 2011 at 7:33 pm Said:

    no. no. nonononononono.
    i heard you talking about this on your podcast and i just don’t see how he could rationalize any of this. fuck him. everything on this list is an absolute deal breaker. ew.


  44. Natasha, on May 29th, 2011 at 12:34 am Said:

    This guy is a total douche! Tit for tat mother fucker! Learn it, live by it. Because here you are you getting all the tit, and depriving us from the tat. Rethink you’re life Hombre.


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