BLOG » the blind leading the blind (part 65):
1. when referring to Whole Foods, please don’t say ‘whole paycheck’. It’s embarrassing and says WAY more about you than it does about Whole Foods.
2. start referring to ex boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s as ‘someone I used to know’. it’s uuber dramatic and super chic!
3. ladies: is it ‘peach fuzz’ or a moustache/beard? conclusions have to be made so action can be taken.
4. Every time I buy a new article of clothing, I think ‘this is gonna change my life!’ But as little as a week later, I’m in another changing room, feeling that way about some new article of clothing- while the poor week old piece lays rumpled in a ball on the floor/in the corner. don’t think i feel good about this, but it’s the truth. yes, clearly, these are first world/white girl problems, etc. all i’m saying is: before you stand in- or in front of- your closet (depending on how wealthy you or your parents are), rolling your eyes, frustrated and whining about how you ‘don’t have ANYTHING to wear!’ don’t forget about how excited you once were about the clothes in your closet that you’re totally bored with and don’t even acknowledge now!
5. there’s no getting around this one, a tattoo on your face screams ‘i’ve given up.’
6. you never know who’s important to who, so mind your own business before you run your mouth off and ruin someones game by saying ‘oh, so and so dates a lot of people. don’t think you’re special or anything.’ even if the person in question is a player (ugh, that word is sooo mid 90′s! we HAVE to come up with a new one. and while we wait, we can continue to use this one with an ironic lilt to it when it comes out of our mouth. or you can own it like my mom does when she says anything. real people don’t feel embarrassed saying stuff, which makes them so much cooler than the pseudo cool people, like me.) anyway, back to what i was saying: even if the person is a player, you never know who the player actually has feelings for. and sometimes, even if a person is dating more than one person, all those people are important to the player. so mind your own fucking business and stop your unnecessary need to feel compelled to warn people about other people. unless they have herpes (or some other std) or are a murderer, keep your mouth shut and stay the fuck out of it.
7. always remember that no matter how nice the person you’re telling a secret to is acting, if they’re friends with the person you’re talking shit about, their allegiance is to the person they’ve known longer and are closer with. smiles don’t mean a thing, and facial expressions and words aren’t always in line with what a person is thinking. so watch your mouth. unless you want the gossip and shit talking to get back to the person you’re talking about.
8. when bringing your cell phone into the sprint/verizon/at&t/whatever store, always remember: as you’re walking out with your phone all fixed and taken care of, that YES, of course they looked at all the naked/scandalous pix in your phone. Why wouldn’t they? It was the FIRST thing they looked at! i mean, jesus fucking christ, what would you look at first if some hot young dude/girl brought their phone in! so, duh! Erase that shizz!
9. I know pedestrians have the right of way, but cars are bigger and scarier. So get the fuck out of my way bonehead! unless i’m walking that day, in which case, how dare YOU?!
10. For some reason, I don’t know why, your skin always looks better after you walk out of a movie theatre. Just trust me on this.
• if the idea doesn’t TOTALLY repulse you, follow me on twitter @imboycrazy
• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045 ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat.
i love you.