BLOG » cultivating a personality
recently i experienced a moment of clarity about myself. for a split second, i discovered some of the reasons i am the way i am; why i do the things i do; and how i became the person i am today. for whatever reason, i tapped into myself (no, i’m not talking about masturbating- but probably that too) and saw myself clearly. all of a sudden, it dawned on me: for as long as i can remember, i’d been the perfect blend of SUPER DUPER self conscious AND a people pleaser.
i remember not feeling comfortable with silence. i always felt an intense need to fill every moment with words or laughter. and at some point, i made an unconscious decision to cope and take control of this debilitating/painful/heavy state i was in. the fear and self consciousness was just too much and something shifted in me. so what did i do? well, whenever i needed to fill the scary silence, i would do it by asking people questions, listening to the answers, making jokes, and complimenting people. this served me in many ways: asking lots of questions took away the unknown of scary silence and my inability to be calm/still within it. it alleviated my self consciousness/feelings of not being enough/thinking too much/putting a magnifying glass on every single situation i found myself in- because i was attacking it or at least coming up with a new and interesting/dynamic way to frame it.
what’s really cool is that when people would answer my questions, i found the ability to be still and silent so that i could listen to their response. my people pleasing/need to be liked helped me practice being quiet and listening BECAUSE i wanted the people i was talking to to feel heard, and seen, and loved, and special. ultimately all the things I was dying to feel. i wanted people to think i was interested in what they thought/felt/had to say. sometimes i was and sometimes i wasn’t. but either way, i was so engaged that i listened and heard every thing they told me. i made bold eye contact, i repeated things they said, and if they dropped off and couldn’t remember where they were in the conversation, i’d remind them… cuz i knew. i was listening! being present within this question and answer activity made me feel like i had some control. AND I LEARNED A TON OF COOL, RANDOM SHIT I WOULD HAVE NEVER LEARNED! to this day i still use/recall things that i only learned because of these bizarro, self conscious, unnecessary conversations i’d initiated. i could get lost in the activity of engaging.
i incorporated complimenting people on something i’d noticed about them. NOT being a faker, but genuinely finding something nice to make them smile. ps: just saying hello, making eye contact, and smiling to/with/at people- goes a LONG way!
i could feel worthy and of use because i was being entertaining, and making people laugh; looking for any way possible to phrase something or reveal something or just say something funny. an insight, an experience, what-ever. sometimes my approach at conversations would be to take it to a very real/tad too intimate leval too quick. this would make the OTHER person either laugh, see me as uuber RELATABLE, feel less alone and understood, or just shut down and leave. but it was a chance i took. i was coping and tryng out new techniques and angles. soooo many angles. it was exhausting, but it’s what i did.
and then… over time, this behavior just became a part of me. it’s engrained in me. except now it’s not so frantic. it’s just me. now i know when to be quiet. and when to lay low. i don’t feel frantic or social anxiety (well, that’s debatable). i don’t need to drink to be brave or at ease. i just say what i want, when i want and keep to myself if i have nothing to add to the situation/scenario i happen to find myself in.
nowadays, thanks to therapy and time, i actually enjoy silence. i like sitting in the silence of situations; when i’m on a date, or meeting someone new, etc. so much can happen in that silence. the frenzy is over, and it’s ok to be still. it’s ok to be hyper too, cuz i am both. but now it’s not out of a desperate need to feel ‘ok’. i used all these coping tools/mechanisms to get to now. and now, i don’t even need them. they’ve fallen to the wayside so long ago i almost forgot i ever needed to use them. through experience and time and therapy and becoming confident via working and finding out what i’m good at: i know who i am/what i like/what works for me. i’m actually confident. but it was because of my neurosis and weirdness that i got here. i had to figure out how to keep moving forward. and THOSE are all the things i came up with. thank fucking god!
the coping techniques really helped me cultivate a personality! they helped me connect with the world instead of retreat. now i continue to listen and ask questions and say hello and compliment people, when i want to. if i want to.
my awkward period and self doubt and need to be liked and people please actually helped me become a person that i like today, who’s actually come out the other side and is better off for it.
often times i meet people who are so good-looking or wealthy or just so content with the boring blob they are, that they have never felt the need to try! they never felt the need to strive for more, or be interesting, or make an effort, or engage with people, or be funny, or entertaining. they basically NEVER cultivated a personality! this must be who the artwork at ikea and urban outfitters is for! and it is so unfortunate and boring and shitty! in fact, it’s so shitty, it makes me wish they’d had some hurdle to overcome IF ONLY to become a more interesting person! or at least cool enough to stand up and make eye contact with me, shake my hand and introduce me to their friends. because, you know what? even if that behavior ONLY stems from insecurity and a need to be liked… it’s way cooler and more pleasant that some bonehead wet blanket who deesn’t fucking smile or make a god damn effort.
i love you.
im still in the awkward zone you used to be in. And its very comforting and motivating to read that you’ve been there to and that you became confident. i am so self conscious it almost causes a sort of stress or uncomfortableness on a daily basis. for example, im going to see an exhibition tomorrow with a friend of mine. Right after the exhibition she has to go strait to a birthday party of a friend of hers (i never met this person) My friend was like, oh just come along to that birthday after we visit the exhibition. I said yes, but i am actually already freaking out. My friend is really outgoing and i always feel that everyone likes her more then me. She definitely always makes me feel as the ‘side girl’ as she drawn’s all the attention to her. so to read your post right now, on this moment, it really makes me feel better and that everything we be ok. i love how open you are and how make others feel less alone. xoxo
holy fuck??!! this is me! but i never could have written it or even thought it so eloquently and spot-on. i actually thought i was still in this semi-awkward phase you speak of but reading this has made me see how far i’ve come. sometimes i think i might come off as weird for always asking questions and being so open with people i’ve just met. but you’ve made me realize i should give myself credit for it because that’s just me and shit, i love it. good for you for knowing yourself so well. i love you too!
Hey Alexi!
I hope your week is going well.
I LOVED your Elle Coveuteur feature.
I really related to your “cultivating a personality” rant. The past few years of my life have taught me more about myself and my ability (and sometimes lack thereof) to relate to the world around me. Through a lot of therapy, I have learned to be more honest with myself, actually exploring why I do what I do and this self-reflection, though extremely painful at times, has been invaluable to me. As I have gotten older I have become more self-aware, but I think the most important thing I have figured out (with the help of my therapist) is that as well as I think I know myself, there is still a lot for me to learn and to tap into. My next step is to stop judging myself so harshly which I do because I always assume someone else will and I feel compelled to beat them to the punch.
I want to thank you for being so open about yourself. While I don’t always agree with everything you write (where would the fun be in that?), ImBoyCrazy has been a consistent source of entertainment, advice and inspiration since I started reading it to combat boredom at my desk job in Japan over two years ago. I wish you all the best in your life and career and I look forward to seeing what you next.
Have a fantastic weekend!
I always like reading about how even very secure-seeming and people who act like mega-extroverts are probably feeling a bit awkward sometimes (not selfishly, just to help me realize it’s sort of tough for EVERYONE, nobody is naturally ENJOYING screaming over each other at the bar before the drinks kick in, you just fake it until you are having fun). I know it’s dumb, but I always see outgoing people as being that way kind of effortlessly. I admit that I wish I’d developed the kind of, like, “talk to cover silence” awkwardness instead of the much more pathetic “sit there totally frozen in fear swallowing down a panic attack” awkwardness. But I guess there’s always time to make an effort!
SWAG!! MY FAVORITE WAS WHEN THE LAST PARAGRAPH LEAPS OFF THE SCREEN AND SMACKS THE READER IN THE FACEEEE
I LOVE YOU TOO!!
I read this today. It’s really relevant to where I am in my life right now. On the outside everything is going well but inside I’m struggling.. wondering if I can re-program myself and relate to people easier. Thanks
Ah Alexi, I am that bonehead wet blanket who doesn’t smile or make a god damn effort. Why? Because we all have different principle values we live by, my principle value happens to be freedom.
I love going to a bar without friends every now and then and calmly sitting, sipping my beer, reflecting about life. I sit casually on the stool almost slouched but with sufficient posture to convey dignity. One hand may be on my lap or on the bar, the other hand has my first and middle finger around the pint glass and my ring and pinky finger wrapped inwards with my thumb on them for support–a way of holding a pint glass which suggests the pint of beer is more an ornament than a necessity. My face is calm, no smile, just calm and relaxed.
In the corner of my eye I will see a girl looking at me playing with her hair as she looks through her friend who is talking to her but who she is not listening to because she is focused on me. I know at that moment, she wants me to approach her; she wants me to pull her away from the bore she calls her friend. But you know what? No matter how attractive she is, I don’t. Why? Because at that moment I cherish my freedom. At that moment I know while she may need me, I don’t need her. At that moment I know while she may have yearning for me, I can choose the level of passion for her.
The peak of freedom is reached when, I take one final sip of the one pint of beer I bought. While she is still watching me, I use the first and middle finger once holding the pint, to push it away, slide it away from me. Just like I am pushing her away, that one gesture both represents my lack of care and my willingness to not care. Then I stand up and leave and I feel the overwhelming sense of freedom only few know.
I love you!
I did the exact same thing.
It was from a combination of awkwardness/self consciousness and realising that I didn’t ever listen to people.
I starting trying to treat people how I wanted to be treated, listening to them. It’s taught me to value and appreciate people so much more.
What The Dude said.
“this is who the art at ikea and urban outfitters is for” genius line!