letter to an ex:
You asked me to write you a letter telling you all the things that bothered me about you while we were dating. all the things i feel you need to work on/look at with your new therapist, and at the very least… acknowledge. here’s the letter:
Dear Boy,
•you seem to have this idea about yourself that you scam the good stuff that happens to you. as if it couldn’t just be real. you mentioned this before. as if you have the impression that you con people to hire you or into thinking you’re qualified. like you scammed them or something.
•your sense of humor (which i love) could be insensitive with all the sarcasm. and sometimes instead of funny, it was more like a defense mechanism that kept you from getting close to a person and being vulnerable.
•when i was emotional, you shut off and went blank/cold/numb/quiet… and the more silent and less you gave the crazier i got because i just wanted you to hold me and say i love you and make it better. but i have my own problems. i know this.
•sometimes you seemed to be cocky/on the verge of coming across as full of shit or arrogant.
•it took a while for you to be ok with kissing me in public… which was insulting. but i saw you got better/ you got over it.
•instead of just doing what you needed to do, work or life wise, you’d make these grand statements to me about how much work you had to do and that you had to focus and we couldn’t spend as much time together because you had all this stuff to do. it would have been better if you just did what you needed to do and called me when you were free. i didn’t need a lecture or sit down to hear the your state of address. just live your life and i’ll live mine and we’ll meet in the middle. but you had to lay it all out for me. making yourself so important. over and over.
•it was sooo much about work. all our talk became about your work or mine. the beauty and whimsy was squashed. everything bled into everything else. and it was all about stress.
•you went to ny and knew we weren’t ok, but you shut down. you didn’t want to talk about it or deal with it. when you DID call me while you were in ny, you were out and busy. why did you bother calling if you couldn’t talk? this frustrated me. you were dodging me and pretending you were making an effort. then shit talking about me to your friends. when you were the one who was freaking out because you didn’t have it in you to deal with me emotionally. all we had to do was talk.
•we weren’t on the same page as far as what kind of life we want to have in the future. not just marriage and ring stuff. you seemed like you were lost and unsure. and as a man, i needed you to be more of a rock. but those are also my own problems. i know men aren’t perfect. there is no such thing as ‘perfect’. we’re all just people, i know this. and i have a tendency to put guys on a pedestal and watch them fall. but when push came to shove, you weren’t what i needed.
•you went to a club when i was sick. you wanted to leave. i felt really abandoned. i thought you loved me.
•you’d be overwhelmed and break down and curl up in a ball and need to re-evaluate your life every week.
•it seemed like you couldn’t quite figure out what it is that you love to do.
•you operate in extremes. everything is raw this month. no coffee forever. no alcohol. no meat.
•saying that you didn’t want to make out when i had my period; ‘what’s the point?’
•you were shy about your body and seemed a bit closed off about sex and taking a bath or shower together. and you didn’t like your butt or want to walk around naked or even let me see your backside walking away from me.
•you are all about you. computer in bed in morning. shut off, very clear that you were done with the romantic portion of our time. painfully compartmentalized.
•getting drunk and eating all my food and yours like a slob at a dinner with your friends… then drunkenly wandering off. making me the night all about you and forcing everyone at the table to cringe and say ‘what’s wrong with him?’
•physical body issues, sarcasm beyond belief, pda issues, unable to deal with a girlfriends emotion to the point of shutting down and freezing up.
•you smashed my bike. you were upset. still isn’t cool.
•even now, post break up, if/when i run into your friends and your name comes up… if i mention some of your habits like sarcasm and selfishness, they laugh and say ‘yep that’s how he is. i can totally relate.’
•even now, post break up, you wanted to be friends. i read lines with you for some audition you had, and you’re not even an actor. i skyped you less than two minutes after you emailing me from australia about being depressed over some new girl you were in love with. i talked you down and made time for you. but the minute i call you and/or text you that i’m in a dark place… nothing. i call and you pick up when you can’t talk… all to say ‘now’s a bad time.’ again, why’d you even pick up? selfish.
•you broke up with me over the phone, ending something that was so special with no dignity or respect. like a total fucking pussy bitch. i would never do that to someone i loved and said i wanted to be with forever. someone who held my hand and slept in my hospital room and watched over me after surgery.
i never cheated on you. i loved you. it didn’t work out. i hope this helps.
love, alexi celine wasser
