letter to an ex:

You asked me to write you a letter telling you all the things that bothered me about you while we were dating. all the things i feel you need to work on/look at with your new therapist, and at the very least… acknowledge. here’s the letter:

Dear Boy,

It isn’t easy to come up with things that i think you should work on. i love you and think you’re great, so it just feels weird to do this. but hmm, thinking back, let me see:

•you seem to have this idea about yourself that you scam the good stuff that happens to you. as if it couldn’t just be real. you mentioned this before. as if you have the impression that you con people to hire you or into thinking you’re qualified. like you scammed them or something.

•your sense of humor (which i love) could be insensitive with all the sarcasm. and sometimes instead of funny, it was more like a defense mechanism that kept you from getting close to a person and being vulnerable.

•when i was emotional, you shut off and went blank/cold/numb/quiet… and the more silent and less you gave the crazier i got because i just wanted you to hold me and say i love you and make it better. but i have my own problems. i know this.

•sometimes you seemed to be cocky/on the verge of coming across as full of shit or arrogant.

•it took a while for you to be ok with kissing me in public… which was insulting. but i saw you got better/ you got over it.

•instead of just doing what you needed to do, work or life wise, you’d make these grand statements to me about how much work you had to do and that you had to focus and we couldn’t spend as much time together because you had all this stuff to do. it would have been better if you just did what you needed to do and called me when you were free. i didn’t need a lecture or sit down to hear the your state of address. just live your life and i’ll live mine and we’ll meet in the middle. but you had to lay it all out for me. making yourself so important. over and over.

•it was sooo much about work. all our talk became about your work or mine. the beauty and whimsy was squashed. everything bled into everything else. and it was all about stress.

•you went to ny and knew we weren’t ok, but you shut down. you didn’t want to talk about it or deal with it. when you DID call me while you were in ny, you were out and busy. why did you bother calling if you couldn’t talk? this frustrated me. you were dodging me and pretending you were making an effort. then shit talking about me to your friends. when you were the one who was freaking out because you didn’t have it in you to deal with me emotionally. all we had to do was talk.

•we weren’t on the same page as far as what kind of life we want to have in the future. not just marriage and ring stuff. you seemed like you were lost and unsure. and as a man, i needed you to be more of a rock. but those are also my own problems. i know men aren’t perfect. there is no such thing as ‘perfect’. we’re all just people, i know this. and i have a tendency to put guys on a pedestal and watch them fall. but when push came to shove, you weren’t what i needed.

•you went to a club when i was sick. you wanted to leave. i felt really abandoned. i thought you loved me.

•you’d be overwhelmed and break down and curl up in a ball and need to re-evaluate your life every week.

•it seemed like you couldn’t quite figure out what it is that you love to do.

•you operate in extremes. everything is raw this month. no coffee forever. no alcohol. no meat.

•saying that you didn’t want to make out when i had my period; ‘what’s the point?’

•you were shy about your body and seemed a bit closed off about sex and taking a bath or shower together. and you didn’t like your butt or want to walk around naked or even let me see your backside walking away from me.

•you are all about you. computer in bed in morning. shut off, very clear that you were done with the romantic portion of our time. painfully compartmentalized.

•getting drunk and eating all my food and yours like a slob at a dinner with your friends… then drunkenly wandering off. making me the night all about you and forcing everyone at the table to cringe and say ‘what’s wrong with him?’

•physical body issues, sarcasm beyond belief, pda issues, unable to deal with a girlfriends emotion to the point of shutting down and freezing up.

•you smashed my bike. you were upset. still isn’t cool.

•even now, post break up, if/when i run into your friends and your name comes up… if i mention some of your habits like sarcasm and selfishness, they laugh and say ‘yep that’s how he is. i can totally relate.’

•even now, post break up, you wanted to be friends. i read lines with you for some audition you had, and you’re not even an actor. i skyped you less than two minutes after you emailing me from australia about being depressed over some new girl you were in love with. i talked you down and made time for you. but the minute i call you and/or text you that i’m in a dark place… nothing. i call and you pick up when you can’t talk… all to say ‘now’s a bad time.’ again, why’d you even pick up? selfish.

•you broke up with me over the phone, ending something that was so special with no dignity or respect. like a total fucking pussy bitch. i would never do that to someone i loved and said i wanted to be with forever. someone who held my hand and slept in my hospital room and watched over me after surgery.

i never cheated on you. i loved you. it didn’t work out. i hope this helps.

love, alexi celine wasser

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’!


CALL ME TONIGHT

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 28, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

ps: if you’re in another country,

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pps: if you can’t call during the show,

leave me a message on my NEW toll free

‘boycrazy voice-mailbox’ 1(888)666-2045

we’ll bro out, role play,

and discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

reader submission- how men affect my reflection:

 

“Can you try to lose a little bit of weight?”

He just said it, straight up. Like I am at a model casting or something. I know you’re going to call me out on being a pussy about this, just suck it up right? The thing is I know I should lose weight. However, I didn’t think that this would make my boyfriend of 3 years more uncomfortable than my American Apparel skinny jeans.
This happened immediately after our decision to get back together after a 1-year-break. I kept thinking about what he said over and over again. My anxiety crept in. Is there another woman I’m competing with? If so, why are we even back together? Should I keep some clothes on when we’re fucking? Has it gotten that bad? Should I have snapped back asking the same thing of him?
“You know you’re looking pretty scrawny, mind working out more often?”
No. That’s not my style. The only way I fought back with this is with another voice.
A voice he doesn’t know about.
It was during our 1-year break. I stayed the night at an ex’s house, a friend now. I was emotionally damaged, raw. He was my comfort blanket.
“You’re so much more than your body”
He knew I was feeling insecure about my body after skipping from a size 2 to a size 6. I’ll always remember how I felt after he said it. The tone of his voice, the things that followed. “You’re so smart, beautiful, down to earth, creative etc.”. The things all women want to hear.
I remember looking at the mirror when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Feeling beautiful. Admiring myself, my curves, my full lips and brown eyes. Not conceited, but confident. Crawling back into bed knowing the man I’m sleeping next to wanted me just the way I am.
How can it be? I’m the same size now but when I look at myself I only notice the 4 inches I should lose off my waist. Insecure on where I stand with my boyfriend. Unsure if I’ve made bad decisions in these past few months. How can I cut everyone’s voice out when I’m getting ready to go out at night or examining my body during a shower. How can I gain trust in myself that I’m beautiful without a man’s approval (and especially with a man’s disapproval)?
-if you use this (which I doubt you will) I kind of just wanted to tell this to you please don’t post a name with it.

xo, girl

dear girl,

of course I published this. I’ve felt and been in the same place as you. your letter made me cry. you ARE so much more than your body. you are beautiful and healthy and enough!even though i don’t advocate eating tons of cake and soda and candy and letting your body/figure go to shit… I sure as hell don’t advocate starving yourself or thinking that all you are is your appearance.

your mind, and your humor, and your kindness, and your passion and love and creativity and work and laughter and how you treat others and yourself are what make up the best and most important parts of who you are.

personally, and I’m sure you agree, I wanna be with someone who is kind, who treats me well and treats me the way I wanna be treated, the way i know i deserve to be treated, who makes me happy and smile and inspires me to be my best, who I feel safe and beautiful and secure around, who makes me laugh and turns me on, who is my best friend and holds me tight whispering all the beautiful things your ex was whispering in your ear. so dump this bonehead… or at least tell him how his inconsiderate comment made you feel. you are enough. I love you. Alexi

 

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

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TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ boycrazyalexi@gmail.com

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

the blind leading the blind (part 71):

1. granola is fattening.

2. really? there was a line for the bathroom? Really? YOU’RE DISGUSTING! And… a liar!

3. you don’t need to turn your phone off. Nobody’s calling you.

4. it’s not ok to say ‘I don’t have AIDS, I’m white.’ When you’re trying to fuck a girl without a condom.

5. if you know you’re over it/her: break up! Don’t wait for her to get pregnant… cuz she will!

6. it’s not worth being someones bf/gf if you don’t think you’ll be together forever. Even if you won’t. Even if you aren’t. Even if you’re fifteen years old… the love should always be that passionate.

7. if you have to ask him to make you a mix, he doesn’t love you.

8. saxophone in a song immediately makes it lame.

9. something about hearing a guy order a hazelnut latte is such a clitoral hard off.

10. NO, I don’t think you should get that tattoo.

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’!

CALL ME TONIGHT

WEDNESDAY SEPTEMBER 21, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

ps: if you’re in another country,

you can call me using gmail or skype!

pps: if you can’t call during the show,

leave me a message on my NEW toll free

‘boycrazy voice-mailbox’ 1(888)666-2045

we’ll bro out, role play,

and discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

reader submission: dating older men…

Hi Alexi,

I am hoping you do some writing on the topic of dating older men.  My friends and I love slutting it up with younger men/middle-aged men and putting some grandpaws in between for good variety, like a some dick trail mix.  Can you share your experiences or others about dating older men?  So far it has not been terrible, except for the fact they are still trying to use tactics from the year I was born (84)….and I fear if I get into a relationship with any of the oldies, their ding dong will stop working at least by the time they are 55 and then our father/daughter relationship will become more awkward.  When do guys ding dongs stop working?(this is a very controversial topic!…and I feel that other people have lied to me about it).Steaming mad

I also notice a difference in how men/women interact in today’s world vs. 10 years ago.  I think guys and girls do a lot better job of being friends and casual hump buddies than even 10 yrs ago?  Remember all the movies about girls chasing the boy and him rejecting her(80’s flicks)….

I think women finally realized they are just men, but with a different crotch and all that rejection stuff men played at, was just a control tactic.

Boys will be boys and girls will be boys, when boys aren’t looking.

Please talk about the older ding dongs and female pimps.

Thank You,
Anna

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ boycrazyalexi@gmail.com

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

the ANTI love & relationship list:

1. i don’t want to let someone get close enough to see my flaws. its better not to let people get close to you. Cuz when you do, they see you when you’re weak and pick you apart.

2. i don’t want to get jealous or feel threatened.

3. I don’t want anyone to get bored with me or take me for granted.

4. i don’t want to have to compromise or do anything I don’t want to do, go somewhere I don’t wanna go, hang out with people I don’t wanna hang out with… and then be made to feel or look like an asshole because of it.

5. i don’t wanna worry or care or be in a position where it matters what someones friends and/or family think of me.

6. i never want to feel alone when i’m next to someone i’m supposed to love, who’s supposed to love me.

7. i don’t want to eat whenever the person i’m dating is eating.

8. i don’t want to forget about my responsibilities and who i am because i’m so overcome with YOU!

9. i don’t want to stay up till 5am every night and not get any sleep and be too sick and tired to get my work done because i’ve made you the priority. and even if i don’t think i’m making you the priority, my time spent with you has a detrimental affect on me.

10. i don’t want to be forced to look at all my flaws and all the emotional shit that comes up in me (reflected in the person i love) that i can only see when i love someone. i don’t want to feel all the rage and unresolved abandonment issues i have yet to deal with that i can only feel when i’m in love with someone.

11. i don’t want to feel a need to change a guy i’m dating. i know i shouldn’t, but i sometimes do. i don’t want to have to dress someone like a doll if i’m not crazy about his style, but i will feel compelled. i don’t want to have to battle the 2 sides of myself; the one that says ‘he’s not me. he’s his own person. let him be and do and wear whatever he wants. respect that.’ and the other side of me that says; ‘i could SO up his game! i do this for a living. i have really good taste. he probably doesn’t even care that much, he’s a dude. i could so up his game by having him incorporate a few key pieces into his wardrobe such as: a green apc hooded military green parka, james dean esque thin white cotton crew neck t-shirts, white high top converse, crisp apc dark denim straight leg jeans, Levis simple dark blue patch pocket jeans, a white button down shirt, a vertical striped blue and white button down shirt, a black crew neck pullover sweater, a black cardigan, an off white/cream cardigan, suede sand stone desert boots, brown suede desert boots, white keds, an electric or navy blue cardigan, a brooks brothers tailored suit, a slender black tie, a pink and white vertical thin striped button down shirt, a light pink button down shirt, solid hot pink socks, solid purple socks, black and white Calvin Klein boxer briefs, etc.’

this is my problem right? but lots of girls care about what their man wears and don’t feel guilty about wanting to cajole him into wearing certain things. but why do i feel so conflicted? cuz i know that spiritually none of this matters, right? right. and yet i have very superficial/strong feelings and opinions about things. i just do. and i know i’m right. and whoever the dude in question is would only benefit from my suggestions. but would he feel like he’s a pussy if he were to take my advice? or would he be more of a pussy if he got offended and ego-y? i think the latter. he’s the dude. he can be solid on who he is and let the girl act out and be all girly and just laugh about how serious she takes it all. at least that’s what a perfect scenario would be for me.

12. i don’t want everyone who sees us together to think they have me all figured out: ‘oh, that’s Alexi. she’s so and so’s girlfriend.’ i’m my own person! i want to be unattainable and a mystery and sexy and not some girl who’s put in a box and figured out and all taken for granted.

13. i don’t want to miss out on someone who may be better for me.

14. i don’t want to feel like i’m settling and being a fool to jump into something with someone just cuz they like me. even if i do like them too.

15. i don’t want to miss out on experiences with other people: sexual, non sexual, and just intimate exchanges in general.

16. i suffer from the ‘there’s always someone better’ syndrome. or do i? i don’t know what’s more important; finding someone who’s rich and well known and handsome and successful who treats me well (which is some weird sick twisted standard/ideal that’s ingrained in women who live in los Angeles and other major cities what with the fame and and tabloid and youth obsession more intense than ever before) or just being with someone who is low-key and a good person and kind, who loves me. can’t you have it all?

17. a part of me is so anti relationship because i feel like relationships are for people who are weak. i have bizarro thoughts such as: ‘george clooney is a notorious bachelor. not needing anyone/being too good to settle is the epitome of how to be. relationships and marriage are for the people who don’t have the better option of living like clooney.’ i’m sick aren’t i? this is my problem, isn’t it?

18. i don’t want to see you be weak. it’s unattractive to me. i can be weak on my own time.

19. i vacillate between 1. not trusting someone who would want to be with me and thinking that there must be something wrong with him (self-esteem and worth wise) cuz i’m not enough or something. and 2. thinking i’m hot shit and that the dude i’m dating must not be good enough for me. i can do this with the same person, week to week. it’s exhausting… for me. and him too probably. not like i would say any of this to his face. but given my weird behavior, he would probably totes pick up on it and  be annoyed/confused/and spent from it all.

20. i don’t want to be bossy.

21. I’m terrified you’re gonna get mad at me.

22. I’m terrified that you’ll have so much of an affect on me and my mood that you’ll have power over me, because I’ll actively give it to you!

23. i don’t want to try to control your life and take it on like it’s my responsibility. Even if you’re not asking, I have a tendency to take this on, and I don’t like that about me, but it only comes up when I’m with you (in a relationship).

24. i’m terrified you’ll reduce me to some ‘ol ball and chain’ stereotype.

25. i’m terrified that I’ll start looking at myself through your eyes and see what my dad saw in women. It wasn’t good.

26. i don’t want to make you my dad; my dad called women cunts and belittled people, etc. and not only am I scared you might do that to me, I’m more scared that I’ll do that to you!

27. i don’t want to be mad at you because you’re out with your friends and happy.

———————————————————————————————————

I’m so terrified of being in a relationship. i create all these battles for myself in my head. i do desperately want to belong to someone and be loved and cherished and treasured, but another huge part of me is fine being alone and wants to remain unattainable and a mystery forever. what do i do? what’s important? i’m at odds with myself. am i only making up all these rules, and boundaries and expectations because i’m trying to keep people at arm’s length? is it my ego just working overtime trying to create separation? the logical part of me says yes. the adult part of me knows that all that matters and what’s really important is to be with someone i like and who i enjoy spending time with, who makes me laugh, who likes me and who treats me well . but the damaged little girl inside me is scared of being vulnerable and being abandoned and tricked, seduced and betrayed…..

i’ve met and been with well-known, powerful men. Skinny men, chubby men, model boys, poor boys, rich boys. quiet boys, loud boys. funny, unfunny, boring, and charasmatic boys. good dressers, bad dressers. I’ve seen good things and bad in all of them. I just want to laugh and feel safe and be with someone who’s confidant and capable. i want to feel content and calm and motivated and supported and understood… all at the same time.

help. i’m fine. i love you. look at me. don’t look at me.

xoxo

the blind leading the blind (part 70):

1. if a dude happens to notice baby wipes or sweet spots in your purse and calls you out, referring to them as ‘pussy wipes’… he’s a total loser. He should just be happy you’re that considerate! And women, you should always be that considerate.

2. if a dude doesn’t let you touch your clit while you’re fucking, if he has a problem with it, he’s a creep. trust me on this!

3. if your pants just fall off of you, out of nowhere… congratulations. you’ve reached your goal weight.

4. if you’re about to touch yourself (i.e ‘masturbate’ – fuck I hate that word. it’s so clinical and not sexy. It’s not even uuber clinical. It’s somewhere in between clinical and unsexy. What a weird place to live) and you’re listening to music on your computer, turn your laptop away from you. cuz even though you won’t believe me, I’m pretty sure the government/powers that be can see everything you’re doing in front of your computer. Don’t let masturbating be one of those things. OR let it be the ONLY thing.

5. chances are, if the color looks good on your nails, it’ll good on your lips.

6. stop picking at that rogue bump on your arm! Cut it out! No one can see it! You’re ONLY gonna make it worse!

7. if you are ever faced with the choice of running over a squirrel or turning into oncoming traffic… Always run over the squirrel.

8. people want someone at least as good as they are. So when you’re all complain-y and schlubby and unhappy, wondering why the beautiful, smart, successful girl/or the sexy, successful dude with wash-board abs doesn’t want to date or even fuck you – don’t get MAD at him! Take a fucking look in the mirror and up your mother-fucking game!

9. when in doubt of who a person might be, or if you two have ever met, just say what I say: ‘hi, you look familiar. have we ever made out?’

10. long distance relationships don’t work.

i’m sorry. that was way harsh. i should have said:

long distance relationships aren’t real.

PS: follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

PPS: leave me a message on boycrazy voicemail 888 666-2045 tell me a secret, ask me a question, say something neat. 

I LOVE YOU

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ CANCELED!

TONIGHT, I’LL BE AT THE FLEET FOXES SHOW;

GETTING INTO TROUBLE, COLLECTING STORIES, AND LIVING MY LIFE IN ONLY THE BEST WAY.

YOU DO THE SAME.

SEE YOU NEXT WEDNESDAY, WHEN I RESUME ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ @ 9pm PST!

I LOVE YOU~

xoxo

PS: thank you SO much to Heather Jenkins for making me into a drawing!

PPS: catch up on past episodes here…

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

reader submission- ‘denial: i want to be in love.’

Hi Alexi,

Why is it that I feel the need to pretend I’m not lonely, when I am? The idea of admitting aloud that I dislike being single and would love to find someone and fall in love, it makes me squirm. As ridiculous as it is, I look down on people who jump from person to person to person, when in reality, they are just looking for the same thing I crave. Single and “looking” sounds like desperation to me. Perhaps it’s because I associate it with those who will take anyone who comes around, and will settle for a mediocre relationship, rather than be alone. But that’s not the case, is it, really?
God forbid, however, you give a member of the opposite sex reason to believe you’re interested in a relationship. This, for me, has lead only to a painful and often abrupt ending. How would you direct us in our quest?  Any advice for those of us who are secretly “looking”? Or does it always have to happen when you least expect it?
xo

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ boycrazyalexi@gmail.com

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU



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