BLOG » letter to an ex:
You asked me to write you a letter telling you all the things that bothered me about you while we were dating. all the things i feel you need to work on/look at with your new therapist, and at the very least… acknowledge. here’s the letter:
Dear Boy,
•you seem to have this idea about yourself that you scam the good stuff that happens to you. as if it couldn’t just be real. you mentioned this before. as if you have the impression that you con people to hire you or into thinking you’re qualified. like you scammed them or something.
•your sense of humor (which i love) could be insensitive with all the sarcasm. and sometimes instead of funny, it was more like a defense mechanism that kept you from getting close to a person and being vulnerable.
•when i was emotional, you shut off and went blank/cold/numb/quiet… and the more silent and less you gave the crazier i got because i just wanted you to hold me and say i love you and make it better. but i have my own problems. i know this.
•sometimes you seemed to be cocky/on the verge of coming across as full of shit or arrogant.
•it took a while for you to be ok with kissing me in public… which was insulting. but i saw you got better/ you got over it.
•instead of just doing what you needed to do, work or life wise, you’d make these grand statements to me about how much work you had to do and that you had to focus and we couldn’t spend as much time together because you had all this stuff to do. it would have been better if you just did what you needed to do and called me when you were free. i didn’t need a lecture or sit down to hear the your state of address. just live your life and i’ll live mine and we’ll meet in the middle. but you had to lay it all out for me. making yourself so important. over and over.
•it was sooo much about work. all our talk became about your work or mine. the beauty and whimsy was squashed. everything bled into everything else. and it was all about stress.
•you went to ny and knew we weren’t ok, but you shut down. you didn’t want to talk about it or deal with it. when you DID call me while you were in ny, you were out and busy. why did you bother calling if you couldn’t talk? this frustrated me. you were dodging me and pretending you were making an effort. then shit talking about me to your friends. when you were the one who was freaking out because you didn’t have it in you to deal with me emotionally. all we had to do was talk.
•we weren’t on the same page as far as what kind of life we want to have in the future. not just marriage and ring stuff. you seemed like you were lost and unsure. and as a man, i needed you to be more of a rock. but those are also my own problems. i know men aren’t perfect. there is no such thing as ‘perfect’. we’re all just people, i know this. and i have a tendency to put guys on a pedestal and watch them fall. but when push came to shove, you weren’t what i needed.
•you went to a club when i was sick. you wanted to leave. i felt really abandoned. i thought you loved me.
•you’d be overwhelmed and break down and curl up in a ball and need to re-evaluate your life every week.
•it seemed like you couldn’t quite figure out what it is that you love to do.
•you operate in extremes. everything is raw this month. no coffee forever. no alcohol. no meat.
•saying that you didn’t want to make out when i had my period; ‘what’s the point?’
•you were shy about your body and seemed a bit closed off about sex and taking a bath or shower together. and you didn’t like your butt or want to walk around naked or even let me see your backside walking away from me.
•you are all about you. computer in bed in morning. shut off, very clear that you were done with the romantic portion of our time. painfully compartmentalized.
•getting drunk and eating all my food and yours like a slob at a dinner with your friends… then drunkenly wandering off. making me the night all about you and forcing everyone at the table to cringe and say ‘what’s wrong with him?’
•physical body issues, sarcasm beyond belief, pda issues, unable to deal with a girlfriends emotion to the point of shutting down and freezing up.
•you smashed my bike. you were upset. still isn’t cool.
•even now, post break up, if/when i run into your friends and your name comes up… if i mention some of your habits like sarcasm and selfishness, they laugh and say ‘yep that’s how he is. i can totally relate.’
•even now, post break up, you wanted to be friends. i read lines with you for some audition you had, and you’re not even an actor. i skyped you less than two minutes after you emailing me from australia about being depressed over some new girl you were in love with. i talked you down and made time for you. but the minute i call you and/or text you that i’m in a dark place… nothing. i call and you pick up when you can’t talk… all to say ‘now’s a bad time.’ again, why’d you even pick up? selfish.
•you broke up with me over the phone, ending something that was so special with no dignity or respect. like a total fucking pussy bitch. i would never do that to someone i loved and said i wanted to be with forever. someone who held my hand and slept in my hospital room and watched over me after surgery.
i never cheated on you. i loved you. it didn’t work out. i hope this helps.
love, alexi celine wasser
HOLY SH*T ALEXI!
This is helpful in so many ways. I won’t bash your ex. I can/will probably do some of these things. It’s so beneficial to get an inisight to what happens to a girl when things like this happen. Thanks alexi.
love you Alexi. this made me feel so much better. after my ex and i broke up, he texts me sometimes and tries to be nice. i appreciate that, but i can’t handle that anymore. now he’s seeing someone. i’m happy for him, but at the same time i realized that i have to walk away. few days ago, i called him when i was tipsy and told him to not contact anymore. it is the best for us i guess
This was totally eye opening. Thank you for posting it!
I’ve actually been writing a letter to my ex too. Well, not really an ex. For almost 6 months, we were close but not drama-free. She only wanted to date; I wanted something more serious. And all of this time, she’s dating her ex-fiance. I gave her space and my time and efforts. Our mutual friends said I was winning. But I cared about her well-being not winning stupid title. I went to Paris to study for a month. First day I came back, we spent nearly the whole day together. Less than 24 hours later, we broke up because she had to trust her guts. She said I made us seem closer than what we actually were. What hurts me is that she liked being spoiled when we were dating but told me she never asked me to do anything for her once the relationship was over. We were lovers. Now we can’t be friends. Good entry, Alexi.
I’ve written my ex countless letters that I’d probably never send till now.
Tks Alexi
The whole letter i thought: he is just human, he is just human. and it was really okay to read about all his “neuroses” or how you want to call it.
i think he was a boyfriend that one can really admire.
the only mistake he did was phoning you to break up. what the hell did he think?
whatevs, i think it was also good for you to write these things down and dealing with them because texts organize life sometimes and you can see everything much clearer in the words than in your head.
i’m waiting for your next entry
xoxo
Hey Alexi:
Your letter is very well written. By well written I’m not talking about grammar or syntax, I’m talking about style. It is clear you are being genuine (i.e. not overly emotional, nor overly exaggerating). The calm matter of fact tone of your writing, understating rather than overstating, is what gives your writing an emotional impact. You aren’t trying to force people to weep, but by being honest and genuine we can only but feel a little weepy.
I think you’ve mentioned you have some commercial acting, I know you have this blog as well as the radio show (podcast, whatever). However, I would humbly suggest you throw in writing as part of your creative outlet as well as your creative career.
I’m not suggesting writing a self-help book. There are far too many out there and they all suck. However, more like maybe a group of short stories or vignettes (not theatrical but literary) just throwing all your experience out there–relationship, career, upbringing, perspective. You can toss in real letters like this as part of the mix.
I imagine you already have an agent, toss the idea to him or her and see if he or she can market it. I do believe there is a market for your work–even without all the vampire and werewolf crap. In my humble opinion your work can appeal to both men and women and the demographic would for 18-40.
In regards to what you have written, I cannot tell you how many times I have to tell friends, “your career only matters to you, if it matters at all. If you are not with a woman or have not met a women who matters more than your career, there is no point in dating. You are married to your career, that is fine; it makes you happy. Don’t feel obligated to date.”
Also, “the figuring out of life part.” That’s another one dudes do not get. That’s one I just got. As a man growing up in the middle class suburbs, you are told all your life you are only as valuable as your career. If you do not have the status of white collar profession, then your not a man.
Dudes, waste a big chunk of their life going for that status: lawyer, doctor, business. Now that I am thirty and I see my friends at the end of their career journeys, I hear too many times, “why did I wast so much time to be a part of this profession if I hate it so much.” Many are frustrated and lonely.
I lucked out in a weird way in that I had to switch gears from a fast-paced, high stress job in finance to something more low-key due to my health. I know my calling and as a kid I would neither have imagined the route I’m taking nor would have I accepted the route I’m taking. I’m happiest helping others achieve their goals, I have always been this way, I have always been the adviser to all my friends; it is only natural I should be a teacher: it is only natural I work hard not just as a teacher but to redefine teaching.
In college a sociologist major–read, easy, “A,” to go to
law school–indicated to me under definition of profession teaching is not even considered a profession. So, there is no status as a teacher. The pay sucks. Like any government job, there is going to be a hell of a lot of unnecessary politics. However, I’m doing teaching my way anyway.
So far, I’m the happiest I have ever been preparing to be a teacher. I’m poor, exiled from my social class never to return but I’m happy because I’m finally doing what I know I was meant to do. While I luckily had to make this decision, many of my friends will never walk away from the money and status to do what they really want to do; I’m afraid many will be very unhappy but even miserable, they will never have the courage to figure life out and realize that maybe that requires less, no status and less money.
I’m afraid your ex-boyfriend is among them as well.
Here’s my letter to the ex. I’m so glad that you shared yours, you’ve inspired me to share mine.
Dear Ex,
The following letter is going to be a reminder to you, as well as me, as to why we could never have worked. Also, I will read this periodically to remind myself to not feel sad about not being with you anymore. Just so you know, I understand fully that the following reasons we didn’t work out have just as much to do with my willingness to settle, as it does with your willingness to stagnate.
•You were funny to me, but to other people you came off like a jackass. More than one person approached me to ask me what your problem was, and when I had no answer they just assumed you were overcompensating for your lack of height. Yes. You’re short.
• You treated me like a queen, as long as I was emotionally unavailable and unwilling to be exclusive with you. As soon as I decided we should stop being fwb & start being a couple, suddenly you started acting like I was a crazy, obsessive, pathetic, bitch.
•You would get drunk, tell me you loved me & wanted to be with me, and then backpedal in the morning. Mindfucking is a sport to you, and you were great at it.
•You let your parents support you, but you treat them like shit. When you make progress in your life towards being independent, you self-sabotage. It’s completely obvious that you don’t want to stand on your own two feet. Yet when I lost my job, and my parents paid for my rent for a few months, you hounded me relentlessly about finding a new job. You treated me like a loser, when I needed you the most.
•You went overboard with the pda when you got drunk. But I let you get away with it, because it was really the only affection I got when I was with you.
•You would irritate me, until I’d cry. What kind of sicko does that to a girl he’s supposed to care about?
•You’re short. I overlooked it because in the beginning you were funny, affectionate, caring, and social. But eventually I got sick of wearing flats.
•You don’t look like Oscar de la Hoya. Get over it.
•You were rude to my sister. Asshole.
•You were great in bed. But you would almost always ruin it with a cold demeanor afterwards.
•You enjoyed making me feel uncomfortable. When I was naked and you looked at me, I felt like you were examining me.
•Everything had to be on your terms, down to what time to get dinner. You acted as if your schedule was paramount, and that my commitments were trivial.
•You kept in contact with your ex, knowing she was still in love with you.
•You let your friends talk shit about me. You let your mom talk shit about me.
•When we had a pregnancy scare, you were nowhere to be found. I had to take the test by myself & tell you about it later.
•For the last six months of our non-relationship, I couldn’t have an orgasm with you, because I didn’t trust you.
Writing this will hopefully help me to be a strong ass bitch, and not allow a man to ever treat me the way you did. Fuck you.
OK, since others are doing it I will do it too.
This letter is dedicated to all the women who I ever dated, regardless of how long or short the relationship:
Dear Hurt, Angry and Pissed Off Ex
Before you hold anything against me; I did meet the bare minimum of decency any good man should hold himself to: I never cheated on you, I never flirted with other women, I supported you in all your goals, my parents are always nice and humble people who treated you like a queen because they knew as long as you made me happy, they were happy.
However when you told me about your experience, “experimenting,” with women, I might have appeared understanding but in my head I was thinking, “ugh, how do I leave without her thinking it is because of something she shared with me…even if that is actually the case.”
Also, when we began having sex everything was great. However, you thought it was important to share with me you have certain tastes outside of just mainstream sex. I might have appeared understanding but in my head I thought, “ugh, how do I leave without her thinking it is because of something she shared with me…even if that is actually the case.”
Maybe it was my fault, but every time you were bitchy and I just left until you cooled down…every time, I was actually contemplating never coming back…and in the end, I did not come back…
I guess it is assholish not having a long drawn out conversation when you chose to break up with me. Yes, when you began with something to the extent, “I really think…” I knew it was my time to bail and move on. So, I just walked up and left. In retrospect, maybe there is something valuable you could of shared but in retrospect I did not care and I honestly still don’t care.
I guess it is assholish to have not had a long drawn out conversation when breaking up with you. What is there to say really? So, yah, I guess just moving somewhere else or similar moves probably were not cool with you. But really, is there anything to say?
I guess it is assholish, there was a point where I realized the money I was spending dating you could be used for more productive things: musical equipment, some rare books or vinyls, some therapy, a painting, vacation, hanging out with my friends. As I really didn’t tell you anything, I did choose my hobbies over you. I can’t apologize for that one because, well, I still do that.
A wonderful therapist told me I never had a real relationship. I had shared with her all my relationships and how they ended; she said, “with every relationship there is risk of devastation…you never cared enough to be in a real relationship.” Yah, she is right. Maybe, I’m afraid of being hurt. Maybe that is why I don’t put my heart in relationships. Maybe that is why it is easy for it to end and move on.
Am I heartless? Certainly not. I care deeply for my parents, and all my siblings, and nieces and nephews. I love them with all my heart and they all know that because I just don’t say it I show it. I really put my heart in helping kids achieve their goals. I’ve only felt personally disappointed when I was unable to help a student reach their goal; that was devastating; that made me think what could I have done better, how could I have been a better tutor, I did feel horrible about that. So, no I’m not heartless.
I just guess I have never met a woman who lives up to my standards. That is assholish to write isn’t it? But, it’s true. I would love to marry a woman who wanted a family. We could split the chores, we can both work and it can work out. I would love to marry a woman who would never imagine wearing a tight short skirt or tight short dress. A woman who was quintessentially feminine and strong–not attributing strength with manhood and consequently acting like a man. I would love to marry a woman who understands, it’s OK if we reach a point where we don’t have sex; it’s perfectly natural, we have made all our babies now we can hold hands and look back at what beauty we brought into this world together.
I want a Willa Cather Ending:
“They had reached the gate. Before Carl opened it, he drew Alexandra to him and kissed her softly, on her lips and on her eyes.
She leaned heavily on his shoulder. “I am tired,” she murmured. “I have been very lonely, Carl.”
They went into the house together, leaving the Divide behind them, under the evening star. Fortunate country, that is one day to receive hearts like Alexandra’s into its bosom, to give them out again in the yellow wheat, in the rustling corn, in the shining eyes of youth!”
Yah, I think in the end most women would consider me a total pussy. However, I don’t care if I’m not supposed to want something that men should not want: a real relationship. Because while my therapist pointed out I was faking it, if you were with me so were you.
Oh and to all the red heads out there I never dated. I’m sorry I can’t get past the fact that you tend to be enormous bitches and I really don’t want to deal with it.
This letter was neither cathartic for me nor probably you. It is what it is.
Thank you so much Alexi for sharing this with all of us.
It moved me, and has inspired me to confront my boyfriend about issues that are VERY similar to the ones you have listed.
Basically youve helped me put my mumble jumble into actual legible sentences.
I love you!
x
Thank you Alexi.
Sounds like a Pisces !
Um, I won’t be submitting my own ex letter, but I second That Guy on just about every point he brings up!
One of my greatest contentions with the men I’ve dated are the expectations of certain behaviors they project onto me, presumably based on their past experiences with other women. I often notice that when I don’t meet these expectations, they’re pleasantly relieved. From observation, men expect women to be needy (long conversations about EVERYTHING), bitchy (often arbitrarily) and provocative (experimentation with women, bizarre sexual requests). It’s the last point that really got to me. Of course there are people who are legitimately sexually experimental, but with most women I find it’s largely an act–a confessional and compensatory narcissism that in turn sponges from perceived male expectations. Girls think that guys will be piqued by the idea of her making out with another chick/asking him to slap her around in bed, and with most guys it doesn’t work.
Those dudes who are actually attracted to this sort of behavior have their own issues, in the sense that their identity is based on the attributes and things they THINK the kind of man they want to be would have, not on real convictions or things they actually like, because frankly, they don’t know what they like. Guys like that are usually kings of compensation in their own right, too arrogant and sarcastic for their own good.
The common denominator between these girls and guys is an essential lack of character, or what comes across at personality. But it’s what isn’t immediately apparent that’s the real danger: no underlying sense of ethics to underwrite the character, hence the apparent lack of sexual morals, which isn’t immorality at all, but AMORALITY (the distinction is very important). This is the plague of our generation
At any rate, I’ll stop ranting to say that I think it’s really cool (i.e. critical and independent-minded) that That Guy knows what he values in a woman, even if it comes off as a little conservative and even if it’s because these are the qualities I value in women too. Plus, I really dig his outlook on sex (a rarity in our confessional, nothing-is-sacred anymore culture).
I have my own theories about why it takes dudes so long to figure out their lives in this day and age. But as a last word of advice, I would say stick to your standards but stop selling yourself short. I don’t know how many young, extremely bright guys I’ve met who’ve thought about going into education, but as fulfilling as it may seem, it’s really a masochistic cop-out–a way of not engaging seriously with the world. It is only from a place of wealth that you can be truly generous to others. It’s not that dudes waste a big chunk of their life going for that status, but that they waste a big chunk of their life sabotaging their chances of being a serious player in the world (i.e. by rationalizing it as a status thing). Ironically, a man can’t expect to attract a strong woman if he’s not keeping your end of the bargain. You’re clearly very thoughtful and well-read–why not become a professor instead?
Sounds a bit like my ex too.
The sad part is that often it’s only once you’ve broken up that you realize what he was a jerk and didn’t treat you right in the first place. When you’re in a relationship there is always the hope that maybe eventually he’ll take to heart what you’re trying to tell him.
I know for me, in the end, the best move I ever did was to move on, not to care so damn much, and just grow up.
The letter you wrote is super genuine and honest. I feel by reading it I can completely understand how you felt and what he was liek in the relationship.
However is he okay with you posting something so intimate and personal on your blog?
4) I don’t know how many young, extremely bright guys I’ve met who’ve thought about going into education, but as fulfilling as it may seem, it’s really a masochistic cop-out–a way of not engaging seriously with the world.
3) It is only from a place of wealth that you can be truly generous to others.
2) It’s not that dudes waste a big chunk of their life going for that status, but that they waste a big chunk of their life sabotaging their chances of being a serious player in the world (i.e. by rationalizing it as a status thing).
1) You’re clearly very thoughtful and well-read–why not become a professor instead?
@Anna, in regards to the above I will respond beginning with the last and going back.
1) Why not become a professor? Because I was in the world of Academia starting out in my career. I attended an Ivy and then went to a graduate school in London. I’m humbly assuming you have no experience with Academia, so I will describe it to you.
First, a professor is paid or tenured not based on his or her teaching but instead on his or her research. However, spend some time in the stacks of your graduate school library–science, finance, social science–and what will you find? Journals and Journals and Journals of published but useless information.
For every one even remotely useful discovery–by useful, I am not including anything appearing in the Huffington Post or whatever popular culture outlet–there are probably thousands or more research papers with pointless discoveries. Realistically, more than ninety percent of Academics will waste their life on contemporary alchemy–praying to some day win some Nobel Prize.
Seeing this as an undergrad TA and a graduate TA, close to my professors, I found it discouraging that the majority of Academia live with the knowledge they are wasting their time.
Also, professors don’t make much. The majority of professors make money outside of their university consulting or writing books–both useless but bringing in money.
Finally, in the world of Academia everything I had to say, I already said, there is nothing more I have to add.
2) You sound very, very much like a woman I knew in college who I admired greatly. She went to an international high school with the children of diplomats. She had very humanitarian leanings, but with her experience was very pragmatic.
I asked her, “If you had to lie to the people of your country to get elected, knowing full well you were lying to them, would you.?”
Her response, “Yes. Once in power, there would be so much good I can do.”
I responded to her,”So anything for power so that you can be in a position of power to help people?”
She responded, “yes.”
I responded, “How do you expect to remain in power? I imagine much the same way? So, when will you ever be able to do any good if you have to spend so much time doing bad to remain where you are.”
She smiled and nodded. That is sort of her acknowledgment of check mate. I loved her quite much. I did love her very much.
As you can see. I have no desire to be a king or prince or whatever elected official…I only desire to be an adviser. That has been my role my entire life.
3) Yes, that is true. However wealth is monetary, physical as well as human capital. I am poor financially, but wealthy in human capital. I can learn anything quickly, I can teach anyone and anything.
As a teacher in high school, at least a hundred students will be in my class daily. If I teach each and every single one of them everything I know and more; if I get them to a place where the could not before; if I can socialize them to be and portray power then every year I would have created a hundred or more leaders.
I am not the typical person and I am not the typical teacher.
4) I started as an Academic and saw it was a waste. I went into Finance and saw it was a waste. I tutor kids for free regularly. I have never wasted my time. When I become a teacher I know I will not be wasting my time.
any dude who won’t fuck you on our period is a waste of time.
I loved this post, its nice to see people being honest.
so in the spirit of honesty I also got inspired and wrote my own version, only no I dont have a boyfriend so I just wrote it to the last boy i was seeing (mostly on weekends over 3 weeks).
(read it on my blog, if you wish)
http://blueloosethreads.blogspot.com/2011/10/boy-you-cant-escape-my-blog.html
I appreciate this letter and I think it is big of you to be open to helping someone who so clearly only ever used you and abused you emotionally. However, I can’t stand that whenever you call him out on not fullfiling your needs you follow it up by saying that you know you have “issuses”… Maybe it’t not issues. Maybe it’s just what you need and it’s ok to feel hurt when those needs are not met by the person who should care about meeting them. Sometimes what we need and what someone can give us just don’t match up and it’s ok to be frustrated with that. It doesn’t mean you have a “problem” for wanting more. Let that go. And let this guy go.
It’s ok to still love someone but to stay away from them because all they do is harm you and want thing’s from you. The only true friendships are ones of mutual understanding and respect where neither party is trying to “get” something out of the other. He doesn’t seem like a genuine friend and just saying “let’s be friends” is not actually the same as being friends. When someone claims to be your friend but only ever talks about themselves and never is willing to help you with your struggles or even ask you about your day, they are not really your friend, they just want you to hear them talk.
Oh, Alexi! Guys like this make me see red… I would stop time for the woman I loved, if she asked. I am old enough to be your father, and I am sad you had a bad relationship with yours. All daughters are to be treated as royalty, for life.
@That Guy I’m not sure what gave you that impression. I’m actually a grad student who comes from a family of academics, so yes, I know how it goes. And yes, many of these guys are hacks and charlatans so it’s very, very important that you ALWAYS question the authority of all “authority figures” you encounter, teachers, profs, etc. At the very least, if you are able to import that lesson on your students, you will be doing a service to all of us.
But you struck me as very idealistic so I almost expected you to be younger. Whether that’s a good or bad thing I don’t know. I’m from Brooklyn and in the humanities, so inevitably I hang around with a bunch of artist and musician types, and what drives me crazy about them is their complete lack of accountability before the world. They hide behind their insolvency as if it’s politically or ideologically motivated (i.e. not wanting to be part of the capitalist consumer cycle) and not a means of shirking responsibility/rationalizing their fear of failure. Of course, in all my encounters with them, I’ve noticed that most of them are completely intellectually lazy and ahistorical, so internal politics can be crossed off as a motivating factor. In a world where self-expression > competence, I always feel like the odd man out, so maybe I was subconsciously responding to that.
I’m not sure how I resemble this woman, as I’m not talking about tangible/public forms of status, like being an elected official or “esteemed” academic or whatever, but the power that comes from being privately generous. For me this is a question of false vs. earnest humility. But pardon my unsolicited advice—you’re a grown-ass man and sound like you know what you’re doing.
Wonderful wonderful letter. I had the same sort of realization when I was sick and my guy at the time didn’t take care of me. No matter what the state of the relationship, it’s completely over when that happens.