BLOG » reader submission- how men affect my reflection:
“Can you try to lose a little bit of weight?”
He just said it, straight up. Like I am at a model casting or something. I know you’re going to call me out on being a pussy about this, just suck it up right? The thing is I know I should lose weight. However, I didn’t think that this would make my boyfriend of 3 years more uncomfortable than my American Apparel skinny jeans.
This happened immediately after our decision to get back together after a 1-year-break. I kept thinking about what he said over and over again. My anxiety crept in. Is there another woman I’m competing with? If so, why are we even back together? Should I keep some clothes on when we’re fucking? Has it gotten that bad? Should I have snapped back asking the same thing of him?
“You know you’re looking pretty scrawny, mind working out more often?”
No. That’s not my style. The only way I fought back with this is with another voice.
A voice he doesn’t know about.
It was during our 1-year break. I stayed the night at an ex’s house, a friend now. I was emotionally damaged, raw. He was my comfort blanket.
“You’re so much more than your body”
He knew I was feeling insecure about my body after skipping from a size 2 to a size 6. I’ll always remember how I felt after he said it. The tone of his voice, the things that followed. “You’re so smart, beautiful, down to earth, creative etc.”. The things all women want to hear.
I remember looking at the mirror when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Feeling beautiful. Admiring myself, my curves, my full lips and brown eyes. Not conceited, but confident. Crawling back into bed knowing the man I’m sleeping next to wanted me just the way I am.
How can it be? I’m the same size now but when I look at myself I only notice the 4 inches I should lose off my waist. Insecure on where I stand with my boyfriend. Unsure if I’ve made bad decisions in these past few months. How can I cut everyone’s voice out when I’m getting ready to go out at night or examining my body during a shower. How can I gain trust in myself that I’m beautiful without a man’s approval (and especially with a man’s disapproval)?
-if you use this (which I doubt you will) I kind of just wanted to tell this to you please don’t post a name with it.
of course I published this. I’ve felt and been in the same place as you. your letter made me cry. you ARE so much more than your body. you are beautiful and healthy and enough!even though i don’t advocate eating tons of cake and soda and candy and letting your body/figure go to shit… I sure as hell don’t advocate starving yourself or thinking that all you are is your appearance.
your mind, and your humor, and your kindness, and your passion and love and creativity and work and laughter and how you treat others and yourself are what make up the best and most important parts of who you are.
personally, and I’m sure you agree, I wanna be with someone who is kind, who treats me well and treats me the way I wanna be treated, the way i know i deserve to be treated, who makes me happy and smile and inspires me to be my best, who I feel safe and beautiful and secure around, who makes me laugh and turns me on, who is my best friend and holds me tight whispering all the beautiful things your ex was whispering in your ear. so dump this bonehead… or at least tell him how his inconsiderate comment made you feel. you are enough. I love you. Alexi
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