BLOG » reader submission- how men affect my reflection:
|
“Can you try to lose a little bit of weight?” He just said it, straight up. Like I am at a model casting or something. I know you’re going to call me out on being a pussy about this, just suck it up right? The thing is I know I should lose weight. However, I didn’t think that this would make my boyfriend of 3 years more uncomfortable than my American Apparel skinny jeans.
This happened immediately after our decision to get back together after a 1-year-break. I kept thinking about what he said over and over again. My anxiety crept in. Is there another woman I’m competing with? If so, why are we even back together? Should I keep some clothes on when we’re fucking? Has it gotten that bad? Should I have snapped back asking the same thing of him?
“You know you’re looking pretty scrawny, mind working out more often?”
No. That’s not my style. The only way I fought back with this is with another voice.
A voice he doesn’t know about.
It was during our 1-year break. I stayed the night at an ex’s house, a friend now. I was emotionally damaged, raw. He was my comfort blanket.
“You’re so much more than your body”
He knew I was feeling insecure about my body after skipping from a size 2 to a size 6. I’ll always remember how I felt after he said it. The tone of his voice, the things that followed. “You’re so smart, beautiful, down to earth, creative etc.”. The things all women want to hear.
I remember looking at the mirror when I got up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Feeling beautiful. Admiring myself, my curves, my full lips and brown eyes. Not conceited, but confident. Crawling back into bed knowing the man I’m sleeping next to wanted me just the way I am.
How can it be? I’m the same size now but when I look at myself I only notice the 4 inches I should lose off my waist. Insecure on where I stand with my boyfriend. Unsure if I’ve made bad decisions in these past few months. How can I cut everyone’s voice out when I’m getting ready to go out at night or examining my body during a shower. How can I gain trust in myself that I’m beautiful without a man’s approval (and especially with a man’s disapproval)?
-if you use this (which I doubt you will) I kind of just wanted to tell this to you please don’t post a name with it.
xo, girl dear girl, of course I published this. I’ve felt and been in the same place as you. your letter made me cry. you ARE so much more than your body. you are beautiful and healthy and enough!even though i don’t advocate eating tons of cake and soda and candy and letting your body/figure go to shit… I sure as hell don’t advocate starving yourself or thinking that all you are is your appearance. your mind, and your humor, and your kindness, and your passion and love and creativity and work and laughter and how you treat others and yourself are what make up the best and most important parts of who you are. personally, and I’m sure you agree, I wanna be with someone who is kind, who treats me well and treats me the way I wanna be treated, the way i know i deserve to be treated, who makes me happy and smile and inspires me to be my best, who I feel safe and beautiful and secure around, who makes me laugh and turns me on, who is my best friend and holds me tight whispering all the beautiful things your ex was whispering in your ear. so dump this bonehead… or at least tell him how his inconsiderate comment made you feel. you are enough. I love you. Alexi
JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT! I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES: AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER! TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU? E MAIL ME @ [email protected] write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos) OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions) PS: • follow me on twitter @imboycrazy • call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045 (ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat) I LOVE YOU |
Ugh, as a dude I have to admit I don’t have clue about women sizes. So, I’m not certain if 6 is a reasonable weight or if under BMI–which may be inaccurate for men, but is not generally inaccurate for women due to muscle differences–that is considered above average.
I mean if a woman told me, “hey, your junk is too small would you mind taking Extenze?” I would definitely be hurt by that and feel inadequate.
However, if a woman I was dating said to me, “hey, you are starting to let yourself go; hit the gym.” As a dude–I know there are differences between genders–I would feel glad she felt confident in our trust and communication she could be honest with me. To me this is better than her dumping me and making up some lame excuse so as not to sound shallow and not really knowing it was something so simple to fix as hitting the gym.
However as a guy, I know women are very sensitive to language. I think the big mistake your boyfriend made was he put the whole thing too bluntly. My friends and I have talked about this extensively and we have come up with a canned expression to signal to a wife or long-term girlfriend they are letting themselves go without causing hurt feelings.
Here it is, “You know, I was thinking the other day how about everyday we enjoy nature by going for a hike? I think it would also be fun if we took something like Tango or Salsa dancing regularly. Oh, and I think I’ll start cooking for both of us.” We convened on the above and at least one friend has tested it with good results.
Finally, I think your boyfriend would be an a-hole if he said, “hey your breasts are small, do you mind getting implants?” That’s more along the lines of my first Extenze example.
While, it is too late to help you boyfriend in this case. I hope both your open expression of your feelings and my comment are able to help men in the future.
Thanks for your story. Very well written. I am sorry you find yourself feeling as you do.
i felt so sad about this story. it’s really well written and i’m sure that a lot of girls and women will recognize themselves in that story. to be frank i didn’t even know what a size 6 was (since i’m european, you know we have different sizes). when i found i was nearly disgusted, a size 6 is really tiny! what is there even to be lost? i’d say that there isn’t much…
as alexi said, you’re young and healthy and you shouldn’t even be worrying about being not skinny enough and don’t listen to that jerk of a boyfriend!!! how can he even say that? he should be glad to have you back!
anyway, thanks for sharing that and i hope that one day you will have the self-esteem to be just laughing about it and ignoring such questions.
I’m sorry for your experience. I had a similar issue with my long time relationship of 5 years.
She changed from one woman to another and gained a lot of weight. I tried to ignore it. It became a situation that I was no longer physically attracted to her and she was getting frustrated and angry that I wasn’t being physical like I used to.
I tried to ignore it and just love her for her until she kept asking me what was wrong and why I wouldn’t talk about it. I knew there was no going back from it and I never really wanted to say it, but is it wrong to be honest in that “I love you, but I can’t be physically turned on now but how you’ve changed.” There is no other woman, but there is that feeling that I should be honest with her on how I feel rather than fuck without feeling.
I don’t know if this guy your referring to is a good man or not, but I can at least sympathize.
my first reaction was that i would be raging at him if i was you! then i realized that in reality i’d probably laughed it off with some sarcastic comment but feeling really sick and self-conscious inside. weight issues are just the worst, uggh. especially when someone confronts you like that – what is wrong with him?! seriously, there’s a difference between “letting yourself go” and “skipping to a size 6″. i mean, a size 6 is still really, really small (except if you’re like 4’0″)! nowhere near “let’s start hiking together” territory. your boyfriend is an asshole, not sorry to say.
Sorry to say your going through this but a 6 is not anywhere near being over weight. I have the same self image issue with my acne my family every single time they see me has tomake a comment about it like it defines me. My boyfriend of two years use to tell me it doesn’t define you your are beautiful but in the back of my mind I still felt like it defined me.Now I’ve learned to just live with it and everyday I look in the mirror I always think this doesn’t define me. I wish you the best because you deserve it.And your bf needs to go relationships with the same person a second time don’t usually work because some guys/girls aren’t mature enough to realize they need to change the fault they had before to make it work.you’re beautiful.
Look, this is completley not okay. You are beautiful and amazing, and if you notice that when you are looking in the mirror, or have noticed it, thats just a further testament to that. I once found a diary entry in my boyfriends diary that said something along those lines, and I remember crying, and it is absolutely horrible. You NEED to be with somebody who inspires you, brings you up, brings positive energy into your life, give you confidence, and there is NO amount of love which can justify you putting up with anything less. In other words, it doesnt matter how much you love him, that is COMPLETLEY not okay. If he wants to be with you, he has got to want to be with the you that is at the presence. Do not let anyone tell you that you are less than what you know you are because you are something great, and you should not have to endure the insecurities that the world projects on women, that the world projects on you, to be with somebody else. You should not have to listen to voices inside of you or his voice telling you that you are anything less than what you are. Set yourself free and you will find that you are great, and you will surely find something and somebody (somebodies) great. Open yourself up to the world, and drop this bullshit dude.
I also think that him saying that represents a problem that he has with himself and with his relationship with you, with his own masculinity/body.
OK, so I looked up online images of a 6 and yes that size appears to be a very healthy size. I apologize for not looking further.
I’m not your boyfriend (no shit, I know. I shouldn’t need to write that) but the only explanation for his comment, especially the way you wrote it (Can you TRY to lose a LITTLE BIT of weight?) is both that your boyfriend is unaware you have body image issues and he is preventing from having to say at some point in the future, “Please, pretty, please lose a lot of weight.”
What I mean is that he thinks he is just talking to someone with a healthy body image but who has been recently gaining some weight and he just wants to make sure the trend does not continue. (I can put myself in the situation of being told to lose weigh and quit smoking because I have been in both situations and because I have a generally healthy outlook I did both. I did both for myself but also to keep the woman I cared about at the time happy. I’ll admit that, I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying it did not cause a strong reaction as yours, which is what this guy may be thinking)
I’m not defending the guy; I’m just explaining what he may be thinking, assuming he is a normal, nice, reasonable guy–which I generally assume.
However, if he knows you have a big issue with body image then I do believe his comment was insensitive and inappropriate. Knowing the situation, were you my daughter I would tell you to leave him and look for better men out there.
However, keep in mind most guys don’t understand the statistics when it comes to body image and women. I didn’t know until looking it up right now that 1 in 4 college age women have some form of mild to severe body dysmorphic disorder. I had no clue and I research for a living, I just never had to research this.
I’m trying not to jump down this guys neck, not to be politically correct (whatever that means these days) but only because if in fact you have never shared your issue with body image he may not know the implications of what he is saying. If this is the case, then moving onto the next guy you may just find the same issue…again…and again.
I define evil or bad (whichever you believe in) as both intending to do or say something hurtful and then doing and saying something hurtful. We know what he said was hurtful. We all agree about that based on what you wrote. The part we are missing are his intentions. Everyone else is assuming ill intent. I’m just trying to balance the commentary with the possibility of no ill intent–just a lack of understanding and awareness.
My humble suggestion.
1) Show your boyfriend what you just wrote to us and see how he reacts to it. If he is apologetic and genuinely feels guilty, then he did not know better and you both should have a big discussion regarding how you feel about your body.
2) Look into Therapy (No, I do not think you are crazy. Healthy people need therapy at points in their life as well) I would recommend Dialectical Therapy as a potential form of treatment–I have a cousin with somewhat similar but different issue and she has found this treatment very helpful.
While all of us who read this feel your strong emotions, in my humble opinion you should not go through life silently hiding a poor body image. Poor body image is also associated with other problems such as depression which no one wants. So, please, please speak with your parents and share with them how difficult you have viewing yourself as a healthy young lady. Work with a therapist because again you want to live a happy life where you see yourself for who you are and care for yourself. Only a well trained therapist can get you there.
HE MUST HAVE A BIG DICK. PLEASE TELL US HE HAS A BIG DICK!!
I sympathize with the writer, but in my humble opinion, I think everyone—including her and the wise-beyond-her-years Alexi—are missing the point. Weight has nothing to do with this!
Your boyfriend made the weight comment not to encourage you to change, even if a little too bluntly (productive), but to take out his resentment of the relationship on you (passive-aggressive). You say: “This happened immediately after our decision to get back together after a 1-year-break”–which is the pivotal statement for me. Analyze why you guys got back together in the first place. Who initiated it and why? Was it mutual? Was it (un)avoidable? What was the cause of the year-long break?
This might be unpleasant to hear, but by the sound of it, your boyfriend is not thrilled by being back in the relationship and he’s taking it out on you. Chances are, he thought he’d fare better during the break and now, finding himself with a lack of options, he’s returned begrudgingly to the status quo because it’s convenient and because he can. Only, of course, he hates himself for it. In fact, his whole tone sounds begrudging.
The issue isn’t his blunt TONE, which is required at times to make an impact, but the completely inappropriate TIME for this comment–right after your reconciliation! To me this screams control tactic. He’s just bringing the ball back into his court and overall sounds like bad news.
I say this as a young woman who cares about the well-being of other young women–don’t stoop to weakness or convenience or the indulgence of having a pity party for yourself (making this about weight). Going against a previous commentators advice, I would say CATEGORICALLY DON’T bring your pain up to your boyfriend. He wants to see you squirm, or at least wince, and if you do, you’re only granting him even more control. Keep a straight face and drop this bonehead!
Anna (girl who wrote comment before mine) you sound so sure of yourself. Yes you could be correct, but you could also be wrong.
I think it doesn’t necessarily have to have a deeper meaning or anything, what if he is just simply shallow?? What if he just preferred the way she used to look and he wants her to look like that again, but like many guys he has no tact or means of expressing this without sounding like an asshole. And ofcourse, like many guys, he does not understand the relationship between women and their weighing scales.
Now this would be a whole other story if you were really unhealthily overweight,but you’re not,a size 6 is fine, and you know you’re not fat. So my advice is,just tell him how you feel and how what he said made you feel insecure, cause it will eat you up inside if you don’t express to HIM what your thinking.
@Anna. Please do not take this the wrong way. However whether you are correct does not change the circumstances. You can be absolutely correct. Absolutely and undeniably correct. However, if you are correct it does not change the circumstances.
Why?
Because the writer of this post is not concerned about the relationship. She is not concerned about this specific man. Her first statement was what he said about her weight and how comments regarding her weight affect her deeply.
The person who said the statement could have been her father, her mother, her brother a friend. The main issue here, as I humbly see it, is that the writer feels statements regarding weight very, very deeply.
So, anyone who the writer cares about enough to value their opinion–including family and friends–can harm her deeply by bringing up issues of weight.
Personally, I believe the best option is therapy. Poor body image or body image insecurity so strong that it causes such a strong reaction is a symptom or problem which should be treated. The writer is struggling hard with body image and she is a healthy weight; there is no need for her to struggle with body image, she is a healthy weight.
This relationship can come and go. I don’t really care about that either way. However, the body image issue will remain and may lead to bad decisions, bad behavior and even stronger and more difficult problems if not properly treated.
Dump this dude, keep this dude…whatever…you need to talk to your parents about your issue with body image you insecurity. You need to show them what you wrote.
So, please, please to the writer do get proper counseling. There is so much help out there for you. There are tools to learn to view life with a happier more confident and healthier attitude. Once you have that more accurate outlook regarding you and your body, because you are confident, because you know you are healthy person, because you know the reality of how healthy you look…there is nothing anyone can say about your weight which will change how you look at yourself and especially how you feel about yourself.
Your boyfriend is white right?
to “the Dude”
I really think she doesn’t need couseling. You might not quite understand this, cause it kinda is a girl thing, but the way she is reacting to her boyfriend impling she is overweight is absolutely normal. This hasn’t necessarily got anyting to do with low self esteemand or poor body image, she is reacting this way because her boyfriend asked her if she could lose weight, any girl in the world would act similarily, if not worse…
I am rather slim and generally a confident person, but if the boy i’m in love said that to me, i would feel super insecure too.
If this girl was a size 2 previously, I presume that she is very short- which means that jumping to a size 6 in a relatively short amount of time is not healthy. Period. Any jump of weight can be a sign of deeper issues- whether it’s because of a problem with body or mind. (My assumption is it is more a mental thing, depression, insecurities, etc. since she jumped in to this relationship again) She isn’t happy and hasn’t really accepted her current weight and is trying to pin negativity on her boyfriend instead of just working on her issues.
@ monalaura
If the writer does not need counseling, then a counselor can determine that and advise her reaction is reasonable and within a normal range. However, I do not think it would hurt for a counselor to read what the writer has written ask some more questions and he or she make that determination.
Seeing a counselor to determine whether this is not an issue is at worst a waste of an hour but at best can lead to addressing this issues as well as other related issues. Ultimately, this can lead to a healthier perception of herself such that she lives a happier confident life.
In terms of, “girl thing.” Just as an analogy–nowhere am I even remotely suggesting I’m anything close to a doctor, not even a dentist doctor, not even pet doctor, not even a doctor in underwater basket weaving–a doctor does not need to have cancer to recognize the symptoms of cancer. I mean a doctor who has successfully beat cancer may at most have a better sense of understanding of the emotions the patient may be feeling confronted with cancer. However in terms of symptoms and treatment, whether a doctor has had cancer is irrelevant.
My point is while there are differences in gender and behavior, I really don’t think I have to be a woman to see there is a strong reaction to single line ingrained in the reader’s mind. I suspect this is not a reasonable, productive, positive, or helpful comment to the writer; all it does is cause a strong sense of hurt, which by her writing, leads to others feelings.
I don’t buy, “any girl in the world,” would act similarly. Furthermore, if every girl in the world did react similarly then the conclusion would not be it is, “right,” or, “good,” or “beneficial.” The conclusion would be every girl in the world needs counseling.
Also, the fact you would feel likewise again is not an argument in favor of, “right,” or, “good,” or, “beneficial.” Instead, it just suggests you might need to do some work on your self-image and your perspective.
I know people hate philosophy and logic or anything abstract. Yes, I’m going to be, “that guy,” as punishment when I post I’m going to post solely as, “that guy,” from now on. Also, not to sound condescending but I think it is necessary to point out your arguments are based on many well known Fallacies. The list of Fallacies I’m going to point out, I do not know the terms by heart. However, I can recognize them when I see them. The biggest one, the one I do know by heart, is the Bandwaggon Fallacy. That Fallacy has different meanings for different contexts, but in this case it just means, “because everyone sees it as correct, it must be correct.”
Others I looked up and I want to point out, your response commits the following fallacies: Appeal to Tradition, Arugmentum ad Populam, Mind Projection Fallacy, Regression Post Hoc Fallacy, Hasty Generalization, Fallacy of a Single Cause, False Attribution, Fallacy of History, Incomplete/Inconsistent Comparison…as well as a bunch of others.
Again, my point is not to be condescending; I go through life having to point out Fallacies because very few are classically trained. Consequently, a lot of people demonstrate poor reasoning and convey poor logic. Again, this is not about you as a person–I don’t know you as a person–this is only about the arguments you make.
I’m just using it as an opportunity to maybe inspire readers to look up logic and rhetoric and study it themselves so they can recognize improper arguments and both think in and convey better reasoning.
In Conclusion:
Your arguments are tempting Songs of Sirens, which the unknowing navigator through life may listen to and follow because of their sweet sound…but following them will only lead to their own wreckage.
I say Dump him because it sounds like the relationship is damaged-your self esteem has been played with (respect as a boundary is difficult to get back in a relationship) and you are second guessing yourself too much, and it just strikes me as he is not very sensitive. However, some men just want a skinny girlfriend/wife and they don’t really care if she is pretty or smart or accomplished thats just what they like. Just like some girls like black men/asian or athletic and only date that.
But i do hope you take care of yourself physically. People shouldn’t use the excuse of love as I am! for letting themselves go. There’s a serious obesity epidemic in this country and some people want to be around other people who take care of their body and appearance. Plus hitting the gym and maintaining discipline over your body feels great. And may help you overcome self esteem issues.
We are both a body and a mind!
Good luck.
Good luck!