BLOG » the ANTI love & relationship list:

1. i don’t want to let someone get close enough to see my flaws. its better not to let people get close to you. Cuz when you do, they see you when you’re weak and pick you apart.

2. i don’t want to get jealous or feel threatened.

3. I don’t want anyone to get bored with me or take me for granted.

4. i don’t want to have to compromise or do anything I don’t want to do, go somewhere I don’t wanna go, hang out with people I don’t wanna hang out with… and then be made to feel or look like an asshole because of it.

5. i don’t wanna worry or care or be in a position where it matters what someones friends and/or family think of me.

6. i never want to feel alone when i’m next to someone i’m supposed to love, who’s supposed to love me.

7. i don’t want to eat whenever the person i’m dating is eating.

8. i don’t want to forget about my responsibilities and who i am because i’m so overcome with YOU!

9. i don’t want to stay up till 5am every night and not get any sleep and be too sick and tired to get my work done because i’ve made you the priority. and even if i don’t think i’m making you the priority, my time spent with you has a detrimental affect on me.

10. i don’t want to be forced to look at all my flaws and all the emotional shit that comes up in me (reflected in the person i love) that i can only see when i love someone. i don’t want to feel all the rage and unresolved abandonment issues i have yet to deal with that i can only feel when i’m in love with someone.

11. i don’t want to feel a need to change a guy i’m dating. i know i shouldn’t, but i sometimes do. i don’t want to have to dress someone like a doll if i’m not crazy about his style, but i will feel compelled. i don’t want to have to battle the 2 sides of myself; the one that says ‘he’s not me. he’s his own person. let him be and do and wear whatever he wants. respect that.’ and the other side of me that says; ‘i could SO up his game! i do this for a living. i have really good taste. he probably doesn’t even care that much, he’s a dude. i could so up his game by having him incorporate a few key pieces into his wardrobe such as: a green apc hooded military green parka, james dean esque thin white cotton crew neck t-shirts, white high top converse, crisp apc dark denim straight leg jeans, Levis simple dark blue patch pocket jeans, a white button down shirt, a vertical striped blue and white button down shirt, a black crew neck pullover sweater, a black cardigan, an off white/cream cardigan, suede sand stone desert boots, brown suede desert boots, white keds, an electric or navy blue cardigan, a brooks brothers tailored suit, a slender black tie, a pink and white vertical thin striped button down shirt, a light pink button down shirt, solid hot pink socks, solid purple socks, black and white Calvin Klein boxer briefs, etc.’

this is my problem right? but lots of girls care about what their man wears and don’t feel guilty about wanting to cajole him into wearing certain things. but why do i feel so conflicted? cuz i know that spiritually none of this matters, right? right. and yet i have very superficial/strong feelings and opinions about things. i just do. and i know i’m right. and whoever the dude in question is would only benefit from my suggestions. but would he feel like he’s a pussy if he were to take my advice? or would he be more of a pussy if he got offended and ego-y? i think the latter. he’s the dude. he can be solid on who he is and let the girl act out and be all girly and just laugh about how serious she takes it all. at least that’s what a perfect scenario would be for me.

12. i don’t want everyone who sees us together to think they have me all figured out: ‘oh, that’s Alexi. she’s so and so’s girlfriend.’ i’m my own person! i want to be unattainable and a mystery and sexy and not some girl who’s put in a box and figured out and all taken for granted.

13. i don’t want to miss out on someone who may be better for me.

14. i don’t want to feel like i’m settling and being a fool to jump into something with someone just cuz they like me. even if i do like them too.

15. i don’t want to miss out on experiences with other people: sexual, non sexual, and just intimate exchanges in general.

16. i suffer from the ‘there’s always someone better’ syndrome. or do i? i don’t know what’s more important; finding someone who’s rich and well known and handsome and successful who treats me well (which is some weird sick twisted standard/ideal that’s ingrained in women who live in los Angeles and other major cities what with the fame and and tabloid and youth obsession more intense than ever before) or just being with someone who is low-key and a good person and kind, who loves me. can’t you have it all?

17. a part of me is so anti relationship because i feel like relationships are for people who are weak. i have bizarro thoughts such as: ‘george clooney is a notorious bachelor. not needing anyone/being too good to settle is the epitome of how to be. relationships and marriage are for the people who don’t have the better option of living like clooney.’ i’m sick aren’t i? this is my problem, isn’t it?

18. i don’t want to see you be weak. it’s unattractive to me. i can be weak on my own time.

19. i vacillate between 1. not trusting someone who would want to be with me and thinking that there must be something wrong with him (self-esteem and worth wise) cuz i’m not enough or something. and 2. thinking i’m hot shit and that the dude i’m dating must not be good enough for me. i can do this with the same person, week to week. it’s exhausting… for me. and him too probably. not like i would say any of this to his face. but given my weird behavior, he would probably totes pick up on it and  be annoyed/confused/and spent from it all.

20. i don’t want to be bossy.

21. I’m terrified you’re gonna get mad at me.

22. I’m terrified that you’ll have so much of an affect on me and my mood that you’ll have power over me, because I’ll actively give it to you!

23. i don’t want to try to control your life and take it on like it’s my responsibility. Even if you’re not asking, I have a tendency to take this on, and I don’t like that about me, but it only comes up when I’m with you (in a relationship).

24. i’m terrified you’ll reduce me to some ‘ol ball and chain’ stereotype.

25. i’m terrified that I’ll start looking at myself through your eyes and see what my dad saw in women. It wasn’t good.

26. i don’t want to make you my dad; my dad called women cunts and belittled people, etc. and not only am I scared you might do that to me, I’m more scared that I’ll do that to you!

27. i don’t want to be mad at you because you’re out with your friends and happy.

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I’m so terrified of being in a relationship. i create all these battles for myself in my head. i do desperately want to belong to someone and be loved and cherished and treasured, but another huge part of me is fine being alone and wants to remain unattainable and a mystery forever. what do i do? what’s important? i’m at odds with myself. am i only making up all these rules, and boundaries and expectations because i’m trying to keep people at arm’s length? is it my ego just working overtime trying to create separation? the logical part of me says yes. the adult part of me knows that all that matters and what’s really important is to be with someone i like and who i enjoy spending time with, who makes me laugh, who likes me and who treats me well . but the damaged little girl inside me is scared of being vulnerable and being abandoned and tricked, seduced and betrayed…..

i’ve met and been with well-known, powerful men. Skinny men, chubby men, model boys, poor boys, rich boys. quiet boys, loud boys. funny, unfunny, boring, and charasmatic boys. good dressers, bad dressers. I’ve seen good things and bad in all of them. I just want to laugh and feel safe and be with someone who’s confidant and capable. i want to feel content and calm and motivated and supported and understood… all at the same time.

help. i’m fine. i love you. look at me. don’t look at me.

xoxo


63 Responses to “the ANTI love & relationship list:”

  1. I mean, let me provoke, my maybe hopeless argument, that I don’t see mention here of actual person(s). but the story of reflections of people – a properly ethical and certainly feminine thing… huh?


  2. Whats going on lovely lady, I feel like I haven’t heard you talk like this in awhile….don’t drive yourself crazy, you are stronger than all that AND YOU KNOW IT…you are this amazing chick who has started up this amazingly honest blog and you show us, all your flaws all the time, don’t you know that any guy who dates you already knows very well what all your “flaws” are because of this blog, which he for sure would have read before or right after getting together with you…and still they stay or at least probably want to, it’s you who can’t get over the flaws not them…”they” the manly ones at least probably don’t even see your “flaws” they probably just see you as human and then a woman and a hot, complicated and smart one at that. Maybe you aren’t meant to be in a relationship right now, maybe you are the George Clooney of your generation (you never know)
    Whatever your doing is working, just go with it and don’t feel guilty about being who you are, don’t apologize for being you (yes, I know, that is cheesy) but that post was pretty extreme, so maybe it calls for some extreme cheesiness…anyway much love and thanks for your brave posts…you are inspiring and funny
    xoxo
    J


  3. love like you have never been hurt.-mark twain

    thats what my friends always say i should do. I remember when i was 13 and all my girlfriends were obsessing about getting boyfriends. I never felt that way, eenthoug i would say i have always been “boycrazy” :),but not “boyfriendcrazy”. Today I have been in several relationships and one of them just tore me apart. I am more damaged than i was before. My two best friends are both in (somewhat unhappy) serious relationships, and keep telling me to quit with my open and fun fuck relationships and get serious with a guy.But i don’t want to. It’s the vulnerabily factor in a relationship that i can’t deal with.
    i have had the same “fuckbuddy” or “friend with benefit” for over a year now and he makes me very happy. I always have someone to cuddle, kiss and tell me im pretty but who doesn’t make me feel like i need him or i will be unhappy forever. I know a open relationship has no future, but he is perfect until i am ready gain to beso vulnerale with someone.


  4. hey lady, look up codependency. i could relate to a lot of things in your post. once i found out that i was acting codepedently i was able to stop focusing so much on others and finally work on myself and live a happier life.


  5. I’m currently single and looking but 14 is my number one fear! I have all these thoughts all the time!

    Definitely trying to do the right things, whatever that means!

    Thanks for posting! <3


  6. I feel exactly the same! It’s frustrating!


  7. You’ve written everything that I have felt and feel in such a way that it’s like staring into a mirror. You’ve opened wounds and revealed them in a way that I’ve always wanted to but never had the guts to. I actually got emotional over this. I’m not having a break down or anything because I believe that things will and should get better. But after reading this I wonder if that’s what I tell myself or is that what I truly believe. Only the journey will tell. You are beautiful.


  8. this sums up exactly how i feel inside


  9. p.s. if we all feel like this theres gotta be some hope that were all pretty normal then and that feeling like this is something you go through around this age.


  10. thanks for saying all the things i can’t say.


  11. seriously? please get out of my head already. or stay in there. that way i know i’m not alone in all these feelings. thanks love you bye.


  12. I can’t stop going back to this post again and again. Because in retrospect, all my relationships are like a single devilish circle repeating itself over and over again. I get my heart shattered, I pick up the pieces, someone comes along, I start over and I get my heart broken again. Gosh, it’s so tiring, and yet… I can’t stop. I feel like my brain should be evolving by now, it should get far more advanced by the experiences and yet here I am on the very same path that leads to the very same ending/beginning. Who’s the idiot?


  13. Is there anyone else out there who thinks relationships are for the needy? I mean, if you ‘need’ someone in your life to make your life good, you must be pretty facking boring, right? All this rubbish about meeting the right person? What the hell for? I’ve never understod this, maybe i have a personality disorder, if i do, good!

    Respect to all the solitary people. I’d live in a cave if i could, relationships are for the weak, deal with that!


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