BLOG » the ANTI love & relationship list:

1. i don’t want to let someone get close enough to see my flaws. its better not to let people get close to you. Cuz when you do, they see you when you’re weak and pick you apart.

2. i don’t want to get jealous or feel threatened.

3. I don’t want anyone to get bored with me or take me for granted.

4. i don’t want to have to compromise or do anything I don’t want to do, go somewhere I don’t wanna go, hang out with people I don’t wanna hang out with… and then be made to feel or look like an asshole because of it.

5. i don’t wanna worry or care or be in a position where it matters what someones friends and/or family think of me.

6. i never want to feel alone when i’m next to someone i’m supposed to love, who’s supposed to love me.

7. i don’t want to eat whenever the person i’m dating is eating.

8. i don’t want to forget about my responsibilities and who i am because i’m so overcome with YOU!

9. i don’t want to stay up till 5am every night and not get any sleep and be too sick and tired to get my work done because i’ve made you the priority. and even if i don’t think i’m making you the priority, my time spent with you has a detrimental affect on me.

10. i don’t want to be forced to look at all my flaws and all the emotional shit that comes up in me (reflected in the person i love) that i can only see when i love someone. i don’t want to feel all the rage and unresolved abandonment issues i have yet to deal with that i can only feel when i’m in love with someone.

11. i don’t want to feel a need to change a guy i’m dating. i know i shouldn’t, but i sometimes do. i don’t want to have to dress someone like a doll if i’m not crazy about his style, but i will feel compelled. i don’t want to have to battle the 2 sides of myself; the one that says ‘he’s not me. he’s his own person. let him be and do and wear whatever he wants. respect that.’ and the other side of me that says; ‘i could SO up his game! i do this for a living. i have really good taste. he probably doesn’t even care that much, he’s a dude. i could so up his game by having him incorporate a few key pieces into his wardrobe such as: a green apc hooded military green parka, james dean esque thin white cotton crew neck t-shirts, white high top converse, crisp apc dark denim straight leg jeans, Levis simple dark blue patch pocket jeans, a white button down shirt, a vertical striped blue and white button down shirt, a black crew neck pullover sweater, a black cardigan, an off white/cream cardigan, suede sand stone desert boots, brown suede desert boots, white keds, an electric or navy blue cardigan, a brooks brothers tailored suit, a slender black tie, a pink and white vertical thin striped button down shirt, a light pink button down shirt, solid hot pink socks, solid purple socks, black and white Calvin Klein boxer briefs, etc.’

this is my problem right? but lots of girls care about what their man wears and don’t feel guilty about wanting to cajole him into wearing certain things. but why do i feel so conflicted? cuz i know that spiritually none of this matters, right? right. and yet i have very superficial/strong feelings and opinions about things. i just do. and i know i’m right. and whoever the dude in question is would only benefit from my suggestions. but would he feel like he’s a pussy if he were to take my advice? or would he be more of a pussy if he got offended and ego-y? i think the latter. he’s the dude. he can be solid on who he is and let the girl act out and be all girly and just laugh about how serious she takes it all. at least that’s what a perfect scenario would be for me.

12. i don’t want everyone who sees us together to think they have me all figured out: ‘oh, that’s Alexi. she’s so and so’s girlfriend.’ i’m my own person! i want to be unattainable and a mystery and sexy and not some girl who’s put in a box and figured out and all taken for granted.

13. i don’t want to miss out on someone who may be better for me.

14. i don’t want to feel like i’m settling and being a fool to jump into something with someone just cuz they like me. even if i do like them too.

15. i don’t want to miss out on experiences with other people: sexual, non sexual, and just intimate exchanges in general.

16. i suffer from the ‘there’s always someone better’ syndrome. or do i? i don’t know what’s more important; finding someone who’s rich and well known and handsome and successful who treats me well (which is some weird sick twisted standard/ideal that’s ingrained in women who live in los Angeles and other major cities what with the fame and and tabloid and youth obsession more intense than ever before) or just being with someone who is low-key and a good person and kind, who loves me. can’t you have it all?

17. a part of me is so anti relationship because i feel like relationships are for people who are weak. i have bizarro thoughts such as: ‘george clooney is a notorious bachelor. not needing anyone/being too good to settle is the epitome of how to be. relationships and marriage are for the people who don’t have the better option of living like clooney.’ i’m sick aren’t i? this is my problem, isn’t it?

18. i don’t want to see you be weak. it’s unattractive to me. i can be weak on my own time.

19. i vacillate between 1. not trusting someone who would want to be with me and thinking that there must be something wrong with him (self-esteem and worth wise) cuz i’m not enough or something. and 2. thinking i’m hot shit and that the dude i’m dating must not be good enough for me. i can do this with the same person, week to week. it’s exhausting… for me. and him too probably. not like i would say any of this to his face. but given my weird behavior, he would probably totes pick up on it and  be annoyed/confused/and spent from it all.

20. i don’t want to be bossy.

21. I’m terrified you’re gonna get mad at me.

22. I’m terrified that you’ll have so much of an affect on me and my mood that you’ll have power over me, because I’ll actively give it to you!

23. i don’t want to try to control your life and take it on like it’s my responsibility. Even if you’re not asking, I have a tendency to take this on, and I don’t like that about me, but it only comes up when I’m with you (in a relationship).

24. i’m terrified you’ll reduce me to some ‘ol ball and chain’ stereotype.

25. i’m terrified that I’ll start looking at myself through your eyes and see what my dad saw in women. It wasn’t good.

26. i don’t want to make you my dad; my dad called women cunts and belittled people, etc. and not only am I scared you might do that to me, I’m more scared that I’ll do that to you!

27. i don’t want to be mad at you because you’re out with your friends and happy.

———————————————————————————————————

I’m so terrified of being in a relationship. i create all these battles for myself in my head. i do desperately want to belong to someone and be loved and cherished and treasured, but another huge part of me is fine being alone and wants to remain unattainable and a mystery forever. what do i do? what’s important? i’m at odds with myself. am i only making up all these rules, and boundaries and expectations because i’m trying to keep people at arm’s length? is it my ego just working overtime trying to create separation? the logical part of me says yes. the adult part of me knows that all that matters and what’s really important is to be with someone i like and who i enjoy spending time with, who makes me laugh, who likes me and who treats me well . but the damaged little girl inside me is scared of being vulnerable and being abandoned and tricked, seduced and betrayed…..

i’ve met and been with well-known, powerful men. Skinny men, chubby men, model boys, poor boys, rich boys. quiet boys, loud boys. funny, unfunny, boring, and charasmatic boys. good dressers, bad dressers. I’ve seen good things and bad in all of them. I just want to laugh and feel safe and be with someone who’s confidant and capable. i want to feel content and calm and motivated and supported and understood… all at the same time.

help. i’m fine. i love you. look at me. don’t look at me.

xoxo


62 Responses to “the ANTI love & relationship list:”

  1. I’m 25 and have never been in a relationship and what’s terrifying me is that I feel I have go to through all this shit that others start experiencing from their teenage years on. Learning how to react or behave or understand someone else or handle problems with someone you love. Just what couples do. I’m totally lacking experience and it feels like I can’t grow up without it. Being an adult I don’t want to make teenage-esque mistakes in a relationship. But seems like this will be inevitable. And this sucks and makes me want to stay alone.


  2. this is exactly how i feel it sickens me to read how raw this is. and i’m only 18. but i know that a lot of girls my age feel this way, my friends and i have talked about this, even the boys feel this way. maybe it’s a generational thing, growing up with the 50/50 chance of your parents being divorced rate, horror stories of older friends before us with their tales of heartbreak, you can’t escape relationship cynicism. why would you put yourself out there when there is a 99.9% chance the relationship you are in now at our age is bound to break up? society has told us there is always a better option, there is ALWAYS something higher to aspire to, that we should never settle, because not only are you missing out, something may just pass you by, and so we risk the possibility of being in a relationship on the fleeting chance/potential that this “something” is going to better than what is in front of us. it would be awesome if you did like a “some things i wish i knew in my late teens/early twenties” because I’m pretty sure they are the people who check your blog the most. alexi i love you too


  3. Dear Alexi,

    I’m 17 and I haven’t been in a relationship even though I’m known among my friends to be the boy crazy one. I never had a strong desire to get a boyfriend. Even though I have met guys who were head over heels for me, I’ve never been able to return the love. I crush on cute boys and flirt with them like you do but when they return the love and want something more I will feel like the relationship is becoming repulsive and try to distance myself to prevent breaking their hearts. I’ve always thought I’m weird and bound to live the rest of my life single, but I’m glad you’ve identified with me and made me feel empowered instead.

    Love you, missed reading your blog and will be reading more often now :)


  4. Are you by any chance a libra? :P


  5. wow Alexi. I couldn’t have said it better myself. I agree 100% with all that you wrote! It’s so raw and true. I’d love to hear your love & relationship list (minus the anti) :p


  6. Wow! This was amazing to read – I used to feel exactly like this. But now, a few years later, I’m older and in a relationship for over a year and I can honestly say I very rarely feel any of these things any more. Not that you need to be in a relationship (obviously) but I’m here to tell you that you may have a different outlook on these things in a few years. There are lots of different boys out there and lots of different relationships.


  7. I’m always completely blown away when you open up like this. I thought all of these thoughts and emotions were strictly my own, my own personality flaws. Thank you for putting a voice to everything I’m feeling.


  8. The bottom two resonate with me the most. In fact, the second one is a total personal quirk of mine I cannot explain or understand:

    5. i don’t wanna worry or care or be in a position where it matters what someones friends and/or family think of me.

    This one resonates with me because after being in countless relationships, all but one relationship did the dad and brothers hate my guts. At this point when dating, I just assume the dad and brother are going to hate my guts and avoid the meeting of her parent’s at all cost.

    Meeting my parents is simple. My parents just care I’m happy and would never give a woman I’m dating a hard time. However, my parents are just caring, understanding and nice people.

    Of, course I would never date a woman who I did not feel I would feel bad about bring home to meet my parents in the first place.

    7. i don’t want to eat whenever the person i’m dating is eating.

    This one is a crazy quirk of mine. I feel horribly chauvinist for feeling this way. However, I cannot date a woman who talks about food. The only exceptions are if the food is something exotic or unique–i.e. not McDonald’s.

    Also, I cannot date a women who eats like a man. Regardless of how skinny she is–yes, I am an a-hole for feeling this way–if she orders a bigger, manlier meal than mine I automatically am turned off.


  9. alexi,
    this makes me really sad. don’t be afraid to open up. see what can happen.


  10. What really resonated with me was when you said “not needing anyone/being too good to settle is the epitome of how to be. relationships and marriage are for the people who don’t have the better option of living”. And with this i feel like using your own mantra would really change your thoughts on the subject: What would the 50 year old version of you want/do?

    being 50 and dating, i feel, is not ideal. At that point in one’s life it becomes more of the need to spend your time with someone you know will always be there for you and you know is worth while. I have faith that you’ll find that person who will rock your world for the rest of your life.

    I Love You.


  11. you make me smile and laugh. You’re doing a fantastic job. Your posts make my days and influence me in the best ways. but holy shit I would hate to be super baked with you and talking about the universe/love/meaning of life – itd be so scary, you are a pessimistic always!Stop that. you’ll be okay.you’ll stumble across your person and he’ll be something you never saw coming. He’ll sweep you off you’re feet and make you question everything you’ve thought about your ideal man and most importantly, hopefully, he’ll hold you close and convince you to stop writing neurotic posts! xo


  12. Sometimes you have to be selfish. If you aren’t ready to share yourself with someone on that intimate of a level,no need to rush things. Experiment and figure out what it is that you want, and one day it will all click and your whole perspective will change. The worst thing you could do is rush into something and settle for less than you deserve.


  13. re. galaxy girl: haha! my ideal man would encourage my neurotic posts. he’d find them fascinating. xoxo


  14. Amen, sister. Amen.

    I will note however, that nothing can bring more unhappiness than the concept of a soul mate. Always wondering if there’s someone out there better for you than the person you’re with can be really damaging.

    That’s all. Thanks for you honesty.


  15. A-FUCKING-MEN.
    this is exactly how i feel.
    and in a way its good, and in a way, its bad because what if i never get over it? what if i can never be happy for these reasons.
    thank you thank you thank you<3
    good to know im not the only one.


  16. THANK YOU FOR BEING SO FUCKING HONEST!!!


  17. Hi, I’m a 26 year old man in a relationship and extremely happy. My partner came along at the perfect time, because both her and I had done alot of work on ourselves to get to that point. So by the time we got together we were strong, confident and not getting in eachothers way.
    We didn’t feel bound by the cliche’ rules of “must see her every 2nd night” “Must eat when she eats” etc. Basically, for us it just works, and we find each other to be an added positive addition on top of our already awesome lives.

    But as you said dearest Alexi, you don’t want anyone to see you weak, or have to deal with the unresolved abandonment issues. I totally get that. You’re seeing a therapist at the moment right? How’s it all progressing?


  18. Great post, Alexi. I can completely relate, which makes me feel so sick and great all at the same time. Don’t really know what else to say that hasn’t already been covered. Again, great job. Thanks for being so open. I love you!!!


  19. You have no idea how much I can relate to this post. x


  20. Love it!Even though I don’t relate to every single one I really do admire how honest you are. I think writers like you definitly help people to know that they aren’t alone in the crazy stuff they think and feel, nice work! xx


  21. Look, I know that going through everything you mentioned above must /be incredibly scary/confusing/make you feel lost in general and lost in regards to what type of single/inarelationship woman you are/want to be and at this very moment it may seem like there is no straight forward answer/explanation/advice. BUT THERE IS. You haven’t met “THE” person yet (i’m not using the word RIGHT as “right” people are the ones you usually get bored with and this is not who i’m talking about).When you meet your THE person, you won’t be able to categorize him under an adjective (rich,poor,skinny,etc as you did above- which btw in my opinion supports the theory that YOU ALEXI haven’t met THE person yet, as you seem to remember your datees with single adjectives). You need to realize that when you do meet him none of the above will matter (no, you wont change into a different person,not what i mean) because you won’t even THINK about it. You won’t worry/stress over things like that. You won’t see him as a cluster of character&apperance traits but as THE person for you. For example he might be on the unattainable side, who’s not clingy and focuses a lot on his career BUT you WONT get jelous or wonder if he likes you as much as you like him, you WONT stress over him not being clear about what your THING/whateves is, you Wont have the need to be the center of his attention BECAUSE you WONT see him as the “unattainable guy,who’s not clingy and focuses a lot on his career”, because there will be so much more about him that you do love/or hatebutwouldneverwanttochange that after a certain point IT JUST DOESNT MATTER.Its that point you realize that You’ve got him as much as He’s got you, you enjoy each other and that’s all that matters.


  22. Love shouldn’t be from you head it should be from your heart. Love shouldn’t be complicated or insecure, it should be mindless and freeing. Thinking to far into it will only distract you from the purity of the love itself. Turn off you brain babe and just go by feel.


  23. alexi, i can’t relate enough to this post. especially #19.
    thanks for being so open, everything you do makes my days!

    and I agree with mika, some advice for the late teens/early 20′s who are really starting out in the dating game would be greatly appreciated.

    xo


  24. alexi, you have to let go a bit more! easier said than done, but… that’s all i can say x


  25. I felt this way for years, and years, and years. I would never allow myself to invest (too much) in a relationship. I would jump from guy to guy, because something better could always come along. I would not allow myself to care. I always had to be casual and aloof because I could not allow myself to be thought of as even remotely needy, or even human – I was just not that girl. I would not call/text/whatever first, because I simply did not need to be in contact with someone who wouldn’t contact me. I was the heart breaker because I would not let myself be the heart broken. I would never allow myself to be thought of as someone who is part of someone else, because I am my own whole fucking independent kick-ass person, and I don’t need to be a half of someone else.

    And then one day last winter, I fell in love. And I could not be happier.


  26. S: thank you for that. nearly made me cry. i’m excited for that day…


  27. and I don’t want to date someone like that. Waay too many requirements. The only thing you should have as your requirement is that you should feel happy when you’re with the guy you like – the rest just comes altogether. Otherwise, you’re better off with a pet.


  28. i’m not sure doing this blog is helping you grow up. know what i mean? like maybe you could get over it and move on and stop OBSESSING over YOURSELF if you didn’t feel like you had keep coming up with new blog entries. i come to your blog by way of epiclylaterd and what happened with that blog along with most of the other good ones is that everybody gets over themselves after a few years and stops blogging and just gets on with their own individual projects and no longer have the time or inclination to be all me me me me me me me me me me me on the internet. reading your stuff (i usually read about the first 8 sentences) is like listening to a teenager talk to herself on the phone.


  29. I love and hate how much I can relate to you. I’m sorry for saying that, but your post made me cry. Because I do the same things. I wish I had more patience to at least try.
    Sometimes I feel I’m always trying to run up and catch up with my peers, rushing into things. Wanting to get into a relationship without knowing the kinds of implications it can have on the heart and mind. When there was sort of an opportunity for that, I bounced the moment I could and know I feel like the one being dumped. It hurts. But time does heal all, however, it still leaves scars, good and bad ones. But sometimes that’s the whole point for us. We go through these kind of experiences and many others to find ourselves, define ourselves even more. I say, Alexi, we should embrace those people who walk into our life, our circles, our heads and hearts. Because frankly, not enough do (well at least for me, it takes me a long time to like someone) and love with everything we have, even if it breaks us. Because in the end, our time here is measured for the risks we do take, and not the ones we are too scared and run away from.

    xo, Tracy


  30. i feel bad for anyone who has the misfortune of trying to make you happy.


  31. i don’t. i’m great! xo


  32. ^^ deaf ears, for sure.


  33. so much truth to this post it’s scary. i’ve only been in 1.5 relationships and I feel that the main reason is i hate feeling weak and like i need someone else.



  34. I thought I was the only one who gets disgusted if a guy likes me cause I think he’s aiming to low and cause I feel like I deserve better at the same time. Thanks for making me feel normal.


  35. goddamn, it’s scary how well this describes my personality. i’ve always felt so ahead of my age. when i was 16 in high school, while all of my friends got crushes and jumped into any relationship they could to fall in love whenever possible, i was all about being this mysterious single girl who always kept things casual and refused to commit. jump ahead to my 20′s and now i have some horrible commitment issues. i’ve only ever had 2ish real relationships (one of which involved me being engaged) and now, despite how badly i want to be with someone and really fall in love, i just can’t. it kills me. it doesn’t matter how much i seem to actually like a guy, i always end up totally sabotaging myself with those same kind of thoughts. while visiting my mom over the summer she asked me if i was seeing anyone and i said “nothing serious.” she told me to be careful or i’ll end up like her. 56 and still alone.
    i’m honestly terrified.


  36. this resonates with me as well. it was so true and on point. thanks for saying what so many of us can’t. i nearly cried. just made some break through with myself realizing that i keep most of my “relationships” in my head to keep people at bay because i say i’m “open” but i’m really not.

    here’s to working on our issuezzz and letting people in. <3


  37. If you touch yourself too much, it.will fall off.


  38. IS that what you want ?!


  39. in words of the great psycho-analyse Lacan: there is no such thing as the sexual rapport. Also, the first thing to do as a feminist is to assert that there is something feminine. It looks like your doing this. Yes its traumatic etc.. but maybe the solution is not change your outlook so that you are accommodating your beliefs for the other. but to accept the other as is, which u do in some of your later points. The problem I have is that if you really want to accept your significant other for who they are, you should be ready for them to accept you for who you are. Even though the reality is inevitably, no accord. .


  40. Wonder if Lacan ever did some research into the psychology of corporate fascism, and the assault it takes on our senses (and increasingly our bodies as well), and how it’s getting to the point where people can function in normal partnerships or nuclear family situations anymore because they’ve basically been brainwashed and conditioned into hating themselves so much and are consequently too insecure to care for or contribute anything positive to the lives of the Other so they end up adopting the increasingly common outlook that’s described here above? When a woman can’t negotiate the Other anymore to the point where over 50% of them have cashed it in the idea of sustaining a productive relationship (which, additionally, also has economic consequences) that doesn’t sound like feminist empowerment to me; more like the end of the human race.


  41. ^lesbian

    sorry im really not reading this blog..


  42. NUMBER 19 A FUCKING MEN. THAT IS THE ISSUE I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH MY ENTIRE LIFE WHEN IT COMES TO BOYS AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO PUT IT INTO WORDS..BUT OF CORSE, YOU JUST DID :) <3


  43. @ Is A Boy an observable trend, and while it might be biological distinction for many, there are a quite a few other cases where throwing a category like that out there to describe what’s actually going on. I’m fascinated by this blog and the reader comments because I think it says quite a bit about where US culture has been going and where it will continue to go. For instance, this is supposed to be all about relationships and advice on how to deal with them, but really it’s a mode of double speak because if you ever listened to her podcast, when people call in for seeking counsel, the first thing she commands the listener to do is get out the relationship and “don’t waste your time.” So really if it’s not about relationships and “love” advice at all, then what it is about? ^


  44. ^well……. i don’t know i can’t comment. I mean, I don’t read this blog . . But I guess your probably right . . In that the writer of this blog is probably a giant tool . . And all her ‘tricks’ of talking about love is ultimately about the love of herself. . Which, not surprisingly, is very marketable. .


  45. PS you wrote and how it’s getting to the point where people can function in normal partnerships or nuclear family situations anymore because they’ve basically been brainwashed and conditioned into hating themselves so much

    did u mean to use the word CAN’T instead of CAN ?


  46. .. but ill caveat the calling out of ‘toolness’ in saying thats how women do. . look no BS here. i would fall head over feet if i was this girls pomeranian.


  47. Yeah… “can’t” as in no longer… It is moving toward more of a scientific reproduction now, and that’s when things really start to get post-human and weird. But hopefully that will be POST-poned until well after I’m dead. The blogger, I don’t know, the being a tool aspect is all part of the act, I suppose, and I’m unsure I can agree about the self-love because if you did read the blog you’ll notice that’s not a present theme here either. What’s saddest of all is a lot of her followers seem to identify strongly with her thoughts, but that’s because they’ve all been worked on and degraded by the same gross Power in the same gross sort of same gross way, I guess…


  48. Uhhhhhhhhh… No. Suffering in itself does not make something ôr someone more sincere.


  49. it just is what it is BOY


  50. I mean, let me provoke, my maybe hopeless argument, that I don’t see mention here of actual person(s). but the story of reflections of people – a properly ethical and certainly feminine thing… huh?


  51. Whats going on lovely lady, I feel like I haven’t heard you talk like this in awhile….don’t drive yourself crazy, you are stronger than all that AND YOU KNOW IT…you are this amazing chick who has started up this amazingly honest blog and you show us, all your flaws all the time, don’t you know that any guy who dates you already knows very well what all your “flaws” are because of this blog, which he for sure would have read before or right after getting together with you…and still they stay or at least probably want to, it’s you who can’t get over the flaws not them…”they” the manly ones at least probably don’t even see your “flaws” they probably just see you as human and then a woman and a hot, complicated and smart one at that. Maybe you aren’t meant to be in a relationship right now, maybe you are the George Clooney of your generation (you never know)
    Whatever your doing is working, just go with it and don’t feel guilty about being who you are, don’t apologize for being you (yes, I know, that is cheesy) but that post was pretty extreme, so maybe it calls for some extreme cheesiness…anyway much love and thanks for your brave posts…you are inspiring and funny
    xoxo
    J


  52. love like you have never been hurt.-mark twain

    thats what my friends always say i should do. I remember when i was 13 and all my girlfriends were obsessing about getting boyfriends. I never felt that way, eenthoug i would say i have always been “boycrazy” :),but not “boyfriendcrazy”. Today I have been in several relationships and one of them just tore me apart. I am more damaged than i was before. My two best friends are both in (somewhat unhappy) serious relationships, and keep telling me to quit with my open and fun fuck relationships and get serious with a guy.But i don’t want to. It’s the vulnerabily factor in a relationship that i can’t deal with.
    i have had the same “fuckbuddy” or “friend with benefit” for over a year now and he makes me very happy. I always have someone to cuddle, kiss and tell me im pretty but who doesn’t make me feel like i need him or i will be unhappy forever. I know a open relationship has no future, but he is perfect until i am ready gain to beso vulnerale with someone.


  53. hey lady, look up codependency. i could relate to a lot of things in your post. once i found out that i was acting codepedently i was able to stop focusing so much on others and finally work on myself and live a happier life.


  54. I’m currently single and looking but 14 is my number one fear! I have all these thoughts all the time!

    Definitely trying to do the right things, whatever that means!

    Thanks for posting! <3


  55. I feel exactly the same! It’s frustrating!


  56. You’ve written everything that I have felt and feel in such a way that it’s like staring into a mirror. You’ve opened wounds and revealed them in a way that I’ve always wanted to but never had the guts to. I actually got emotional over this. I’m not having a break down or anything because I believe that things will and should get better. But after reading this I wonder if that’s what I tell myself or is that what I truly believe. Only the journey will tell. You are beautiful.


  57. this sums up exactly how i feel inside


  58. p.s. if we all feel like this theres gotta be some hope that were all pretty normal then and that feeling like this is something you go through around this age.


  59. thanks for saying all the things i can’t say.


  60. seriously? please get out of my head already. or stay in there. that way i know i’m not alone in all these feelings. thanks love you bye.


  61. I can’t stop going back to this post again and again. Because in retrospect, all my relationships are like a single devilish circle repeating itself over and over again. I get my heart shattered, I pick up the pieces, someone comes along, I start over and I get my heart broken again. Gosh, it’s so tiring, and yet… I can’t stop. I feel like my brain should be evolving by now, it should get far more advanced by the experiences and yet here I am on the very same path that leads to the very same ending/beginning. Who’s the idiot?


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