BLOG » funny how things can happen…
Our first fight happened as we got in his car to go home after my hanging out with his friends for the first time. he snapped at me because he wanted me to stop talking. he wanted to be quiet and decompress. i understood. but it was still a bit jarring. i hate that feeling when you’re with someone new, and you think you’re safe with them because up until that point everything’s been ‘perfect’ and then out of no where that changes- even if only slightly and it makes you feel alone. even though you’re right next to this person. you’re alone, and you feel as though you always will be. that no one is safe and that the rug will always be pulled out from under you!
i held his hand, but went cold. i looked out the window as we drove home. i didn’t want him to feel abandoned because he said one little thing that i didn’t like, cuz i knew he was a good person and wasn’t evil or anything. but i was still a little shaken and acting like a little girl about to cry cuz someone raised their voice. finally, i said that it was all fine. it would just take me a minute to shake it off and that it was too soon for me to have met his friends like that. it was exhausting. i say ‘all we should just be doing right now is getting to know each other- just us. AND fucking eachother, instead of eating and acting like an old married couple!’ he agreed.
the next day, we stayed in bed… all day, listening to music, talking about dreams and goals, where we saw ourselves in ten years. i made him breakfast in bed: coffee and lumpy oatmeal. the fucking has never been so good. the things we say to eachother; it’s dirty and epic. i actually want him to fuck me without a condom on. but he doesn’t. what.a. gentleman. i tell him to cum inside me. that i want to have his baby. he doesn’t. and thank god, because i don’t. but talking like that turns me on, and apparently him too.
we were both having a love surge like crazy. we were so in sync/on the same age with how in love and how excited we were about one another. it couldn’t have gotten any better. and you know what? it didn’t. because the next day, monday, when he called me and i answered my phone… i couldn’t be happy or nice to him. i just couldn’t. something had shifted in me and it would never come back. i would never be as happy or in love with him or as in sync as i was the previous night. just one night before, tucked up in the hills overlooking Hollywood with both our seats all the way back, turned on our sides and staring into one another’s eyes. both of us were so happy, we were holding back tears. tears of joy and for the miracle of falling in love/finding someone who could make you feel this good. but all that had ended for me, and i don’t know why. was it stress? did my heart just close up? was it all too much for me to handle? did i have to rearrange my time and priorities, and my heart just did it for me without asking? i don’t know yet. i didn’t know. but it did. and even though it officially ended weeks later- it really ended that monday. the day after the highest point in our entire whirlwind romance. a romance that had begun with a new years kiss on the night of a blue moon.
it’s scary when you don’t know why you feel what you feel; why you don’t feel what you used to feel; when you have no control over your emotions… and you wish you did.