BLOG » funny how things can happen…
Our first fight happened as we got in his car to go home after my hanging out with his friends for the first time. he snapped at me because he wanted me to stop talking. he wanted to be quiet and decompress. i understood. but it was still a bit jarring. i hate that feeling when you’re with someone new, and you think you’re safe with them because up until that point everything’s been ‘perfect’ and then out of no where that changes- even if only slightly and it makes you feel alone. even though you’re right next to this person. you’re alone, and you feel as though you always will be. that no one is safe and that the rug will always be pulled out from under you!
i held his hand, but went cold. i looked out the window as we drove home. i didn’t want him to feel abandoned because he said one little thing that i didn’t like, cuz i knew he was a good person and wasn’t evil or anything. but i was still a little shaken and acting like a little girl about to cry cuz someone raised their voice. finally, i said that it was all fine. it would just take me a minute to shake it off and that it was too soon for me to have met his friends like that. it was exhausting. i say ‘all we should just be doing right now is getting to know each other- just us. AND fucking eachother, instead of eating and acting like an old married couple!’ he agreed.
the next day, we stayed in bed… all day, listening to music, talking about dreams and goals, where we saw ourselves in ten years. i made him breakfast in bed: coffee and lumpy oatmeal. the fucking has never been so good. the things we say to eachother; it’s dirty and epic. i actually want him to fuck me without a condom on. but he doesn’t. what.a. gentleman. i tell him to cum inside me. that i want to have his baby. he doesn’t. and thank god, because i don’t. but talking like that turns me on, and apparently him too.
we were both having a love surge like crazy. we were so in sync/on the same age with how in love and how excited we were about one another. it couldn’t have gotten any better. and you know what? it didn’t. because the next day, monday, when he called me and i answered my phone… i couldn’t be happy or nice to him. i just couldn’t. something had shifted in me and it would never come back. i would never be as happy or in love with him or as in sync as i was the previous night. just one night before, tucked up in the hills overlooking Hollywood with both our seats all the way back, turned on our sides and staring into one another’s eyes. both of us were so happy, we were holding back tears. tears of joy and for the miracle of falling in love/finding someone who could make you feel this good. but all that had ended for me, and i don’t know why. was it stress? did my heart just close up? was it all too much for me to handle? did i have to rearrange my time and priorities, and my heart just did it for me without asking? i don’t know yet. i didn’t know. but it did. and even though it officially ended weeks later- it really ended that monday. the day after the highest point in our entire whirlwind romance. a romance that had begun with a new years kiss on the night of a blue moon.
it’s scary when you don’t know why you feel what you feel; why you don’t feel what you used to feel; when you have no control over your emotions… and you wish you did.
Sounds like your twat radar is finely tuned, even if you don’t realise it.
When he snapped at you for talking too much, that was cruel of him. And you knew then that you couldn’t trust him to have regard for your feelings.
The fact that you tried to justify it by saying ‘well I *was* being annoying’ and then holding his hand so *he* didn’t feel bad?! All wrong.
Even if he found you annoying at that moment, he should have been kinder. You don’t need to apologise for, or mitigate, or take ownership of his shitty behaviour.
That’s why you went off him. Because your subconscious was recognising his behaviour for what it was: a big red flag. And it got you out of that situation before his cruelty had a chance to escalate.
Things like this haven’t happened to me, from either side. I wonder if this happens to very few. Or maybe to people who have already been down the beaten path. I wonder if its because you’ve hit a new frontier much far ahead of the one i am in. I am dating this girl right now, and she is amazing. I learn things from her that i wooldn’t have learned from my exes and she listens to me and takes my advice. She craves betterness fro herself. I wonder if things like this happen to everyone? or if it’s just the ones who shift their lives a little bit differently on the chess board. Anyways, its beautiful to know that people can acknowledge the sudden changes ofthe heart, now the hard part is to figure out why.
i love you. thanksxo
“it’s scary when you don’t know why you feel what you feel; why you don’t feel what you used to feel; when you have no control over your emotions… and you wish you did.”
Perfectly said. I hate that feeling.
And i can never describe it when I get like that and people ask me whats wrong. It makes me feel like such a drama queen.
It’s nice to know that I’m not alone.
Thank you so much for sharing Alexi.
I love you. x
Sounded like a scene from the 1950s. He barks a command, you cook for him, you beg for a child. You quit at some point because the role-playing wears thin. Until the next role-play…
In Alexi’s case, how should she know if the relationship has crashed or if she/him just hit a snafu and need to work at it?
very similar thing happened to me: she was new to LA, we got very close very quick, she started making new friends, became cold/unintimate with me and in a rash decision I broke up over a text argument (real gentleman, I know!)
As usual, I enjoy your writing.
I wish I had some wise advice for this one, but my reputation with women is being the, “one day here, the next day not.” I actually mean that more literally than figuratively; I have moved cities, with a text message breaking up, hoping never to run into the girl I was dating for a while. So, yah, I can’t figure this one out myself.
Your choice of pictures is always spot on. Wherever you get your pictures, they are always perfect for the context.
i fall out of love at the drop of a hat… unprompted and abrupt. both hearts are broken.
This grossed me out a bit, reading this. TMI, too much information. Sort of like bad indie rap.
this was beautifully written, alexi
I know that feeling. Ive been seeing this amazing guy for 2-3 weeks when it died. OUT OF NOWHERE. I felt it in the way he looked at me (no longer amused),in the way I looked at him (no longer understood), the way I was no longer comfortable in his hugs but self-conscious. It’s been 3 years and we are still seeing each other. Guess he kind of grew on me, amazing guy, despite the fact that something in us extinguished.
Speaking of indie rap self-references, you should do a pod-cast on people who dropped out of high school but are “doing really well.” That way we can, you know, highlight the “success of others,” and elevate the bar even further for the youth of this country. See, because it is now up to this nation’s “rappers” (and commercial actresses, DUH?) to be the next great “essayists,” teach us about “existential crisis” and interpret the real meaning behind the citizen’s “protests” on tour and on Twitter. The following week, maybe you could do a little piece on John Deere mechanics and Cost-Co butchers?
so beautiful and sad. i’ve been on both sides of that coin — falling out of love without warning and having someone fall completely out of love with me without warning. it’s terrifying.
falling out of ‘love’ with a great guy for no reason: I’ve come to the conclusion that most of the time that’s just your EGO/PRIDE getting in the way. If he was a nice guy, genuine, ready for commitment, and you guys clicked, then maybe he really just wanted you to be quiet that day. nothing more to it. but girls like to get all uppity and ruin everything. i know, ive done it plenty of times. That, and fear of commitment. stop worrying, snag a nice boy, and just make it work. and don’t forget, in the dating world, contrary to what you want to believe but sex FUCKS UP EVERYTHING. Its like a temporary glue. You have all this great sex when you meet the first couple months/year and then it fades and THEN you see who the person really is and want out. you have your whole life to fuck each other. that’s probably why married couples never fuck anymore. they fade so quick. idk. all i know is i hate seeing girls get hurt, but you know what its most likely your fault. stop looking for the wrong guys too. You know that nerd you grew up with who’s infatuated by you? He would probably treat you 100x better and be the best investment of your life if you only gave him a chance. Sorry Lex, idk your situation, and i’m not really judging you in particular, just venting on most girls. i love you all and hate seeing the vicious cycle.