BLOG » reader submission:
 Dear Alexi,
This is not part of my “submission” per se — just wanted to let you know how much I love love love your blog. I want so badly to be loved and so far just keep getting fucked, especially since I don’t try to hide the fact that I love sex and am not a “wait until the third date” kind of girl. I am scared and lonely and hopeful and ready all at once, and I feel very at home when I read about your experiences. I broke up with a guy (I think) this week who I was falling in love with, and this is what I was thinking about today…thought after all the stories you’ve shared with me, you should have one of mine. Love you.
______________________________ I promised that once I got too attached again, I’d end it. I did, so I did. But in my effort to minimize the hurt headed my way, I still ended up crying myself to sleep, drunk off my ass on a Monday night. I woke up the next morning and try to piece together the events. Did I break up with you before or after I made out with the German surfer who lives in Lisbon and is into Seattle music? I hope it was before, though I only kissed him because you made it so painfully clear that I was nothing more than a fuck buddy to you and you didn’t care what I did in my free time. I was trying to prove that I didn’t care, either.Did I even break up with you? When I woke up, your number was deleted — so were all the texts you sent and every record I had of you ever calling me. I’ve done this before, when I broke up with you the first time, so that’s why I assume that’s what happened.. Or did my phone just malfunction? Or did I catch you with some other girl and freak out and go into delete mode? Or did you break up with me? Shit, I hope that’s not what happened.It’s humiliating enough being the person who’s more in love in any given relationship. One of the few perks of that position, in my experience, is you usually get to be the one who ends it, since you’re the one who eventually gets so exhausted doing all the work, so disappointed and melancholy, that you just have to break it off. Of course, the ulterior motive in this is always that breaking up with the person will give him the jolt he needs to realize that he can’t live without you. That’s how it happens in the movies, at least. So I hope to God it wasn’t you who ended things with me. I don’t think I could survive that extra bit of hurt.Though that might be just what happened. I’ll be the first to admit that I was acting needy toward the end there, and especially that Monday night. For the record, I was acting needy because I needed you. So I’m not going to apologize for that one.
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So… This story is my life in a nutshell. I am newly out of a situation myself; going one week strong and unfortunately, I wasn’t the one to end it. We had a torrid affair for the past 7 years and when I say affair, we dated then broke up then continued to be a constant presence in one another’s lives. I TOTALLY get how you are feeling. As women, we tend to get the shit end of the stick and wind up getting hurt. Why is that? Why is it HE can get away with such behavior? Why is it that when we want them around we become so needed, when we are normally not that way?
I ask myself these questions everyday and I am SO glad you brought up those issues.
this. is. my. life. it feels so good to know i’m not alone. thank you for sharing.
OK, let me give this a second go.
If you grew up in the eighties and nineties more than likely you grew up with the same myths as I.
The biggest myth of the period is the myth of, “Scaring a guy away.”
There is no possible way a woman can, “scare a guy away.” Well..let me qualify that statement…as long as you are not a knife wielding, gun toting serial killer psychopath, there is no way for you–or any other woman–to “scare a man away.”
For the sake of argument, I will just assume you are not a knife wielding, gun toting serial killer psychopath. It’s not too big an assumption…I hope?
OK, here is the deal: a guy who does not want a relationship does not want a relationship from you or any other woman.
There is nothing you nor any woman can do to change his mind.
You can like Football, Hockey, Baseball, Basketball or whatever sports crap is out there, he still will not want a
relationship.
You can dangle all kinds of crazy ass sex fetishes in front
of him, he still will not want a relationship.
That is not to write he won’t stick around given the above, he will. However, the moment you so much as mumble the big, “R,” word he is out.
No, you did not,”scare him away.” He does not want a relationship. There is nothing you could do to change his mind.
So, you are not responsible for him leaving; he is. If anything, you are responsible only for yourself sticking around so long with a guy who has no greater intention than
sleeping with you.
A guy who is interested in a relationship with YOU can not be scared away…again, I’m still assuming the not psycho part. Furthermore, that guy will like you as you are because that is the person he first met which piqued his interest.
Maybe this is the part that scares you. Yes, a guy can like you as you are.
No, you do not have to be interested in the crap he does if it does not interest you in the same way.
No, when you start having sex–first, second, third…twentieth date–will not factor into his calculus of whether to be in a relationship with you.
This if of course assuming he does not live by some religious standard, which if you don’t live by yourself more than likely you will not be interested in him in
the first place.
The, “three date,” rule is also bullshit.
A guy who does not want a relationship will still go out with you three, four, twenty dates to sleep with you. However, the moment you mention the big, “R,” word he is gone. That is not to write he is not sleeping with other women, he is. All of whom have the same belief:
they are different, he will want a relationship with me. No, he does not want a relationship there is nothing you or any other woman can do to convince him otherwise.
A guy who does want a relationship will not care whether you sleep with him on the first date. He wants a relationship with YOU.
Specific Conclusion:
1) You did not scare this guy away.
2) He never wanted a relationship, there is no way you nor any other woman could change that.
3) When you sleep with a man will not determine whether he wants a relationship, assuming you have similar values.
4) Instead of dating guys who do not want relationships, screen guys for relationships.
You don’t have to do anything tricky to find out whether
a guy is in a position in life for a relationship. Just tell him what you want “I’m at the point in my life where I’m looking for something long-term, something
like marriage. How about you?”
Anything other than something akin to, “I feel the same
way,” should be a red flag.
Answers such as, “Well, I’m not sure right now…” red flag,
move on. If he is lying, you can pick up on that somewhere between first meeting him to first date. Just ask him questions relating to relationships. We, dudes, are horrible liars; you will see him fidget in the hot seat if he is lying or trying to avoid it. Red flag, move on.
General Conclusion:
1) Men do not marry bitches.
2) Rules are for people who don’t know how live life.
3) Men are from Mars either suggests participation in Scientology or psychosis, both red flags–move on.
That Guy. PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP, you boring fucking narcissist. Nobody cares.
Oh, but what I actually wanted to say: this past weekend a guy I’d been dating and was pretty excited about said something incredibly lame and so I ended it. One tiny but oh so revealing thing.
Now I’m not calling or stressing about him because I don’t feel like it. I thought he was awesome, I was wrong, and I understand that whatever is going on inside his head has 0 to do with whether or not I’m desirable or cool.
I am so fucking proud of myself.
Shut the fuck up? What the hell? I’m not offended, but I am concerned.
Do you seriously hear me as a voice in your head? This is all written, but you hear me as a voice in your head?
Less delusional, psychotic people hear their own voice in their head when they read? But you believe you hear my voice in your head when you read my posts?
OK, so to the writer of this post. I apologize, a woman can scare a guy away.
I’m personally freaked by, “Angela.”
I think this whole thing kind of constitutes “boring narcissism.” Which is exactly why T.G. showed up over here with his Catholic stance on marrying bitches. And same thing goes for you, “Shallow Angela.” Likewise, “nobody cares…” Backatcha, precious.
Angela, I agree with That Guy. He’s right.
“Catholic stance on marrying bitches?”
I’m pretty familiar with the Catholic Catechism; I don’t believe there is a stance for or against marrying bitches.
I mean, I could do a double check, ask a couple of priests or bishops but I’m pretty certain they are going to tell me there is no official church stance on marrying bitches.
Should there be? I don’t really think so; it’s just common sense. So while you are right, I do not believe in marrying bitches; you are wrong on from where that conviction comes. I do not hold that conviction on any moral belief I have. For me it’s just common sense.
You clearly identify with being a bitch and maybe you are worried that I advise men not marry or date one. Don’t worry, there are plenty of men with low self-esteem who will still date you no matter how convincing the argument is to not date you.
In fact, does a religion even exist which encourages marrying bitches?
I think morality tends to be silent on these kinds of preferences. In the big scheme of things, it is not advisable but it still does not rise to the level of a moral issue.
In regards to, “this whole thing constitutes boring narcissism.” Look it Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is not perfect but it is a decent model of stages of actualizing.
Clearly, you are at the level of daily subsistence, at most employment. Of course you cannot appreciate this blog. Those of us who are on here are beyond basic needs and basic education and are trying to understand, “Self-Actualization.”
Of course you cannot appreciate that concept. Helk, you may never be able to appreciate that concept.
Once again, it is none of our fault; it is no one’s fault but your own.
I mean what are you going to start an, “occupy moral, creative, open,” otherwise known as, “actualized,” people movement?
Are you going to be in front of my house picketing because I’m concerned with how best to be a good man to a woman in a relationship?
If you are not there yet, that is your problem not mine. I can never understand why people like you see it–your problems–are my responsibility? I mean if you are considerate, then sure I will help. However if you are a bitch, why should I?
I guess anything that can wrangle up enough pasty, pseudointellectual, know it all losers who think they have the answer to all of life’s problems and get them all invigorated behind the content’s not dissimilarly themed message is considered winning these days. So good job, IMBOYCRAZY! Back to the Catechism, y’all! Amen, That Guy. Anyway!
THAT. GUY. Instead of bumming out those of us who read the comments section with your constant dispatches on how the world looks from 3000 miles up your own ass: ballroom dance class. I hear you get to touch girls.
@Phil…ah, another of my admirers.
I rarely wonder how many of you are out there. Does it not bother you I have no clue who you are, nor do I care, nor will I ever care? I mean this response is already dignifying your existence far more than it really deserves to be.
However, I am responding because at least you people are being a little bit more honest about why you dislike me. Again, I could really care less what you’re feelings are except to point out you are really, really revealing your true intentions.
Come on, you don’t dislike me because I am pseudointellectual, know it all, loser…blah,blah,blah…None of those are reasons to hate anyone.
I mean if I thought the long previous line of someone, my response would not be hate; I would more likely feel pity or nothing. Would you not agree?
I mean a loser does not ignite feelings of hate, but pity. By the very definition, “loser,” has lost. What is there to be angry about. I lost. I’m a loser. I don’t see why that will ignite anger in you or any or your other comrades.
But that is not the real, real reason why you hate me. In fact, that is neither the fake reason you used or tried to use to cause others to hate me or cause me harm. You people really, really went really low in the lies in that regard.
I forgive you though. I forgive you.
I was derailed from my journey for a bit, that is true. But now, my journey continues and I forgive you. Can you forgive me? No, you can’t. Why? Because I did nothing to arouse you and your comrades, or anyone else. I am not that kind of person.
So, let’s get to the real, real reason you hate me.
The only honest part of that entire line is the, “pasty.” That is what you hate about me. The color of my skin? Yes, very sad. Well, I will have you know at the moment I have a tan but, truthfully, my skin will be pasty in the winter.
I apologize, that is nothing I can control. I mean, I guess I could go out in the sun more. However, I really do not think it is worth it.
Do you ever wonder what your lives would be like were your skin pasty? Do you think all that has been your life has come down to pasty skin? Do you think all that is good in my life has come from having pasty skin?
I can reassure you my pasty skin has done nothing for me.
Again, I am sorry you feel this way. Why hate me though? I had no choice in the matter. I am who I am and I cannot change skin color, eye color, hair color.
But you and your comrades are angry that you wish you could? Right? This is all about self-hatred, self-loathing.
Oh, I should not be so cruel. I am though because it would never occur to me to hate someone for the color of their skin. That is what confuses you people the most. I am considerate to everyone, until they give me reason otherwise.
Character not Color determines how I treat someone. I know many can vouch for that is a true statement.
Look, is life unfair? Yes. However, it is how we respond to the unfairness that defines our character; that defines whether we are good or evil.
You completely ignored the poster who shared her feelings to insult me regarding matters unrelated.
Don’t you think you treated her unfairly? Do you not think she has been treated unfairly by herself and the men who have let her down? Why, do you not help her instead of insult me?
I mean you should know by now I can care less about you and your comrades. There is nothing you can say to insult me. However, you could have made a profound and positive difference in the life of the poster who is asking for advice. But you did not.
In the future, please, don’t frame this–whatever this is–as just/unjust, fair/unfair, right/wrong, good/evil. If you truly cared for any of the previous you would not bring it upon others. You would not behave unfairly to both the poster, myself and others.
This has nothing to do with anything noble; you must be noble to understand noble; you must understand noble to advocate for noble behavior.
So, you and your comrades have a long journey of introspection to take. As you play your video games, have an honest conversation with each other.
Ask yourselves what is really bothering all of us? How can we creatively and positively change it?
I found my answer in loving my enemy, no matter how much they try to harm me–even try to take my life. It is in that forgiveness, I am able to return as a true disciple to the Lord.
I found my answer in helping those who work hard but have difficulty asking for help. I do help them.
You can kill, destroy all you want. However, can you create? Can you make a city, instead of destroying one. If you look at history there is much destroying.
However, it is those moments of creativity which resonate throughout history to the present.
How many Emperors, Dictators have come and gone? They all feel as you did; they were justified in their actions. Few of them are still remembered.
However, penicillin, electricity, the idea of the Republic/Democracy, the Statue of David…those all transcended time; we can not help but be thankful for it all.
Those Emperors, Dictators? Well, I can only name a few but there were thousands more. And they all were driven by your same drive. They all reacted to that same drive in the same way, control, control, control.
Read about Napoleon. His story is sad. Look up all other Emperors, Dictators and you will see the pattern. I am afraid you will see yourselves in them.
You will never be free by trying to control someone else.
Freedom comes with creation. Why? Physics, Chemistry tells us the natural order of things is Entropy–a condition of moving from order, unity to chaos. Creation is the only way to defy that natural order of things–Entropy–it is the only way to defy the universe.
If creation can transcend even the laws of universe, can it not also set us all free?
Well, I only hope I have helped you see things more positively. If I have not, I apologize. That is the best I can do.
I for one, would much rather take the advice/input of a “boring fucking narcissist” than another insecure girl. Thanks for the reply That Guy, I found it very insightful and it very honestly helped me eliminate lingering fears of “me ruining things” the instant I read what you wrote. I don’t have time to play games or walk around on eggshells, and I like the idea that it weeds out who’s not meant for me.
i dont get it … why is everyone picking on That Guy? the comments section is a place meant for discussion, insight, and personal opinion. just because That Guy’s writing style and in-depth reflection is different than your own, it doesnt mean he should ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP’, nor does it warrant him as a “pasty, pseudointellectual, know it all”. what he says is more insightful and thought-provoking than any of the barrage of useless insults said here.
That Guy, I am a fan!
Oh, I “feel pity.” Trust me. I feel in in droves. We’ll catch you at the next “catechism retreat,” “That Guy,” where I’m sure your reputation will be living up to your “name” and surely not that of Nepolean’s unless we’re talking about the fucking complex from which you suffer.
That guy is right. Angela is stupid. Just because That guy writes well and has an intelligent opinion does not make him have his head far up his ass. Angela is just jealous and probably confused because she can’t really grasp an understanding of what he is saying. Cheer up Angelan, keep following those rules and maybe you will land a guy.
“Lauren,” AKA “That Guy” (and “julia”) doesn’t write very well a la “they are all driven by your same drive,” and countless other examples of bad syntax; but, if he does REALLY think so, and INSIST, he should start up his OWN blog and see what DOESN’T happen instead of co-opting someone else’s like a jerk-ohhhffff…
So I’m going to go ahead and comment on the post, rather than the comments. Not because they’re not interesting, but because it’s late and my brain can’t handle an internet argument right now.
This is the situation I am in too. I wouldn’t say we’ve ‘broken up’ because he is my friend and I see him all the time, but we haven’t slept together for almost a month. This is a very long time for me, and I’m feeling positive. Hang in there! I still hold some hope for my movie ending.
I agree it. It was a lovely submission. That’s why it pissed me off to read yet another pompous weather report from the ass of That Guy.
I like this site because people come here to share actual dating experiences with real people that really happened. That Guy is not one of them. He is a pompous ass who thinks he’s impressing us with his Wikipedia learnedness.
That Guy. It’s all well and good to have a diploma in Napoleon and Ernest Hemingway studies from the University of Google. It still doesn’t mean you know about women and dating. Have some humility, stop being such a coward and go meet a girl so that you might have some actual source material for your brilliant “advice”.
Lauren, big words are the hood ornaments of charlatans and bores. Glad you’re impressed.
“Angela”
Just wanted to say that this story really struck me, especially the bit about the advantage to being the one more in love in a relationship. I know it’s silly because I’m sure everyone relates to this, but basically…yeah, I related to it. It was just one of those “oh, so it’s not just me” moments. So, though I’m really sorry this happened to you, at the same time, thanks. If only cause it happened to me, too.
And at the risk of being corny (oh fuck it) we’re all in this together! Ha.
This is the first reader submission I’ve fully 100% defintly related too and I think i should always try and change the way I behave but then think fuck it i don’t see why I should change as I’m not actually doing anything wrong, just with the wrong person so it’s best to have crazy drunken nights, probably best to not really know what happened or why and move on!!
@Elisa. Clicked on your website and here is the stark, objective truth: you are a babe. Accept it. If others commenting here have anything approaching Elisa’s style and va va va voom guys’ heads are turning. This much is certain.
I can only speak from experience, but you absolutely must learn that you have the upper hand with these dudes because you are a babe and you are smart and kind and very special and you understand this and they don’t. This is power… the best kind of power. It’s the only thing that will save us from an asteroid impact or polar ice cap melt.
Please know that these guys are really, really tormented. They are hurting you, and yes they realize they are hurting you and someone only hurts a lovely girl who shows him affection when something is wrong with him.
And here is that something: he is torn between what he wants and he thinks he’s supposed to want. He is waiting for you to make it incontrovertibly clear to him that the only way out of his private emotional hell is for him to treat you with respect. To say this thing that you did Hurt Me and I really don’t believe you want to do that and you need to stop. Say hurt me again and we are through.
Unless the guy is a total shit, odds are this will be a goddamn gift. Give him a week maybe but he will. He will thank you for being certain that the correct way to be is compassionate and kind.
In the meantime stop giving a damn about what’s going on inside his muddled little head because you don’t get to know and you can’t ever really know so who cares. It’s probably something ridiculous and completely un-illuminating. Do not psychoanalyze a guy unless he’s paying you, and the going rate for shrinks is $150-200/hour.
Instead, go do something at which you are awesome. Because there’s so much more to you than obsessing about dudes.
Lauren, you absolutely can scare a guy away. Project uncertainty about your own worth and buy into his insecurities. Decide that it’s you who’s doing something wrong, not him, and desperately seek to figure out what this something is.
You have the answer. So just give it to him. He may fall in love with you and you may end up in a relationship that just gets better and better, but that’s what you risk.
Still trying to figure out how Angela’s last post is any different than the nonsense That Guy wrote. At the end of the day, this is the internet, no one has the attention span for a massive paragraph of your personal opinion stated as fact.