BLOG » reader submission: “10 Things I Hate About Online Dating”

1. The Interests

Everybody likes music, and art, and traveling, and the outdoors, and sunshine, and having fun. These are not things that give any insight as to who you are as an individual. I wouldn’t even really describe them as interests but more just standard features that come with any human being. It’d be like shopping for a used car and coming across an ad that says “Great vehicle, runs on gasoline, tires are round, has matter and density.” I still don’t know the make, model, year, milage, accident history, horse power etc. If anything I view the vaugness as a trap into buying a lemon.


2. I’m shy but I’m not shy

A lot of girls can’t decide on what they are. “I’m shy but I can also be very outgoing.” “I’m just a jeans and t-shirt kinda girl that loves to get dressed up and go out too.” “I’m a realist but I have a bit of a hopeless romantic side. . .”       When filling out your “about me” section you should use a “Which of the following best describes me?” approach. Like an SAT question, choose the letter that best answers the problem, don’t fill in every bubble.


3. The Nerd

Some girls like to pick out one non-airhead thing they do and then call themselves a nerd. The degree they give themselves can vary from: full on nerd, half nerd, a bit of a nerd. It’s always juxtaposed with some characteristic indicating that they are still attractive. For example: “I’m a nerd that likes to play scrabble and do crossword puzzles, but I also love doing girly things like getting my hair and nails done. . so I guess that makes me 1/2 nerd and 1/2 beauty. . . .”    For the record, the occasional board game does not qualify you as a nerd, or as you are really trying to imply, smart. This would be like me playing a game of HORSE and then calling myself a jock.

 

4. “My friends describe me as . . .  ”

A jackass? There is nothing cute about having your friend write your profile for you. You are not being modest you are being pathetic. These always end up reading like a eulogy in the present tense. “Sarah is a fun loving, good spirited person who can always put a smile on  everyones face.”


5. The List

Many girls think they are being clever by making one word lists of arbitrary things they like. It usually comes in the format of : trivial, trivial, trivial, serious (repeat) .  . . Might look something like this: “I love rainy days, pringles, blue jeans, my family, Leonardo Di Caprio movies, orange tic tacs, diet pepsi, feeding the homeless . .  . ”


6. The Art Chic

Her taste is far more sophisticated than yours. She would list her favorite bands but you’ve probably never heard of them. She’s looking for a guy that can go on long rhetorical rants about how fucked up the system is. As Adam Carolla would say “You can tell she is artistic and creative because she has art that other people created tattooed  on herself.”


7. “I like a guy that can make me laugh. . .”

really?


8. “No Drama, No Bullshit”

I have come up with an easy way to find out who the biggest slut is in a group of girls without running the risk of contracting herpes. It’s whoever uses the word “slut” the most often. This algorithm can be applied to many other things. You feeling the need to address the issue of not wanting “drama” or “bullshit” leads me to believe that you are in fact a drama queen full of bull fucking shit.


9. The Smokin Hot Friend

Does not need to be in all the pictures you post on your dating profile. This is essentially shooting yourself in the foot. Your caption could say “Thats me on the left, next to the girl that looks like she could be a model.”  Beauty is relative and when guys see a 6 standing next to an 8 we’re going to go with the 8. Find yourself some uglier friends to take pictures with or learn how to work a little photoshop magic.


10 . All the aforementioned girls that never wrote me back!

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18 Responses to “reader submission: “10 Things I Hate About Online Dating””

  1. Excellent, I will take this as an advice for the next time I write about myself in a social network.


  2. I’ve never looked at other girls profiles very much, but I did after reading this… what. the. fuck…?

    At least most of the men try to sum themselves up in a presentable way, often with some attempt at humor. It seems like the women are either deliberately concealing their personalities to appear more attractive (?) or are actually really, really boring. It’s like, “I don’t have a personality or any real interests, but I’m pretty and I’m a girl, so it doesn’t matter or something!”


  3. misogyny. men have god awful profiles too, you know. i did chuckle a bit because a lot is quite accurate but “Autumn’s” comment rubbed me the wrong way.


  4. I’ve never tried online dating but if I ever do I’ll be sure not to be a complete asshole in my “About Me:”, but as far as online profiles go, I can’t promise anything. I’d love to sit here and say I would never list random shit I enjoy but I’d be lying. I never noticed that “lists” we considered a bad thing…oops!

    Btw, the whole nerd thing – HAHAHA


  5. Love this, and it’s quite accurate. I find that #8 portrayed by “Autumn” is far too accurate of Hispanic and Black female dating profiles.

    Also, the whole “I want a guy who can make me laugh…” I never understood that. I guess it just means that you want to have fun with someone who’s lighthearted? Personally, a guy doesn’t have to be funny, he just has to think that *I* am.

    The general and vague interests and the list of random likes are also a pet peeves of mine.

    Great post.


  6. No offense but the guy who submitted this letter sounds like a real douche. Who cares if a girl wants to list off the things she likes in her profile, or if she mentions how her friends perceive her? It’s not her fault if her interest in obscure art offends you or makes you feel the need to take a dig at her. It’s not her fault if, yes, she is both sometimes shy and sometimes outgoing. And is it really so bad she wants a guy to make her laugh?

    I love this blog, but some of the reader submissions are so amateur and teen-angst-esq. I wish Alexei would stick to doing all the writing.


  7. HEY ALEXI CAN YOU PLEASE WRITE SOMETHING ON THE SUBJECT OF CASTING COUCHES!!!??? WHAT YOU KNOW, HEARD, EXPERIENCED? ITS NOT A MYTH..


  8. OH AND NICE POST!!! I SENSE YOU WATCH MAD MEN.


  9. OH AND NICE POST!!! I SENSE YOU WATCH MAD MEN.


  10. Thanks for posting my submission again! A couple more things I forgot . .

    - half of the girls have “Live Laugh Love” as their headline. The other half are “looking for my partner in crime.”

    - if you HAVE to include a picture of your dog, one is enough.

    - Making a kissy face in all your photos is the female equivalent of guys who take pictures of their abs in the bathroom mirror.

    - Fake mustache pics are an excuse to make more kissy face pictures.

    - Complaining about poor grammar doesn’t make you smart.

    if you want to check out the original post on my blog here is the link. Cheers.

    http://www.ourthursday.com/2010/06/25/10-things-i-hate-about-online-dating/


  11. I’m really glad to read this and realize that my dating profile is none of these things. :]


  12. love it! i can be fairly forgiving of online profile idiocy, but if i read one more profile for a guy who’s “extremely passionate about music” (i live in williamsburg — this does not make you unique!), i’m giving up on the whole endeavor.


  13. Bahaha, hilarious. I can see myself doing some of this, time to change the profile


  14. Why don’t you try going outside and saying hi to a real person instead of playing World of Warcraft and judging girls online dating profiles… they are probably all hotter then you anyway, the 6 and the 8.

    Oh btw.. I play World of Warcraft… does that make me a 1/2 nerd or full nerd?


  15. Margaux – The girls on Match.com are not real?

    I don’t play World of Warcraft.


  16. Hey Brian you’re a retard which explains your presence here. Most of the people you’re describing are match.dot employees trying to suck people like you in for a fee.


  17. I completely agree with Autumn, Jake, and Margaux Brooke. This reader submission is a misogynistic piece of shit. Brian, ever wonder if the reason you’re still single and forging through online dating profiles is due to the fact that you’re A FUCKING HATER? Instead of criticizing women for putting themselves out there in the hopes of finding the right person, just like you are, why don’t you try to be a little more sympathetic and a little less picky?

    No one wants to date an asshole, maybe that’s why the “aforementioned girls” never wrote you back!


  18. fuck everybody in here.. This post blog is so on-point..
    the world is a pack of empty minded sheep ..

    The dude is smart enough to make an accurate assessment and you bitches are getting defensive cuz you have posted shit like this…


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