BLOG » reader submission: “Cheating; or how I got with the man I was crazy about and completely fucked up my world.”

I will try to make this a fairly quick version of what could be an insanely long story. I was living with my boyfriend of close to 10 years, Derick, when I started to go crazy. Derick was my first serious boyfriend–I lost my virginity to him, and him to me. He was and still is the most patient, loving, amazing guy, the guy that every girl dreams about being with—someone who surprises you with little gifts or handwritten poems—and not just in the beginning of the relationship but all the way through it.  But the best thing was that he matched my personality so well. While I was abrasive, had a strong personality, and wanted to be out doing something constantly, he was quiet, super smart, and loved by every single person he met. I didn’t realize that not all guys were like this and I took that for granted.

I knew the first time I saw Hamid that if I was ever to be around him it would be bad news. I looked at him—didn’t even really meet him—and felt this intensity, like I knew we were going to get together. Thankfully he was more a peripheral friend to Derick and I didn’t see him again until after I moved into a house with Derick. Hamid was living in the downstairs apartment. At first it was fine…we hung out, all of us were good friends and part of a larger friend group of about 20 in the area. I’ve always had really great guy friends so it wasn’t a big deal to hang out with him one-on-one. Plus Derick trusted me completely and knew he didn’t have to worry about anything. I worked as the only female at a bar with all frat guys and he didn’t even blink an eye. After a year Hamid moved to a neighboring town. I didn’t see him as much as before, but we all still hung out every weekend. It continued like that for close to three years or so. Hamid and I would hang out just the two of us—go swimming or eat. Nothing out of the ordinary for any two friends to do but I started to want more.

If you had asked me to describe my physical preference for a guy it would be Hamid. He was 6’3”, dark hair, dark eyes, extremely athletic with a thin toned body. He had these amazingly beautiful eyes that felt like he could see right through me. He was also like this much admired figure to our friends that he went to school with. It also didn’t hurt that he hadn’t dated anyone since high school which was 8 years prior. I thought it was kind of hot…like a challenge with a fucking great prize. He could do no wrong. He was Mr. Popular in high school, and now he was Mr. Popular in his personal and work life. Girls threw themselves at him, girls at work created a “we think Hamid is hot” fan club, but he never went for any of it. It seemed like he was just shy or nervous and waiting for the right person. I wanted to be that person.

And then it got bad. I began to have that before-mentioned breakdown. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I started talking to him more via text, and IM, which made it worse. I started to get so emotional it was scary. I’d be a mess if he didn’t come down over the weekend. I’d worry about girls that he may be interested in at his work. I didn’t live in the same town so I had no idea what he did during the week or who he was with. I started to become a violent mess. One night I came home to Derick and a group of our friends and I proceeded to yell and cry, throwing a chair in the process. After everyone left I threw our Christmas tree across the room and pushed Derick down. It was horrible. I felt awful to treat Derick like that, but I felt so out of control. Who the fuck acts like that? I was embarrassing myself and I hated having to send texts to friends the next day apologizing for being a crazy bitch.

I decided the only way it would end is if I told Hamid how I felt. It was so scary. It was right after Christmas 2008. I had figured I was going to be moving away that summer anyway so I may as well tell him so then I wouldn’t have too long to feel pathetic and embarrassed before I was away from him. I called him while I was out at dinner with some girl friends. We talked and made plans to meet and work out whatever needed to be worked out. We met that weekend at this great Italian restaurant and decided that since we were both interested in each other we should give it a try before I left. It was strange—I know—who goes out and has a business meeting about how they are going to cheat together and keep it a secret from all of our friends, but we did.

The next time I went over to see him we had sex. I left and I was so freaked out about what I had done. He texted me and asked if I was okay—he didn’t want me to run away. I didn’t, and I didn’t move away that summer either. We carried on our secret relationship right in front of all of our friends for five months before Derick found out. He got on my email and read IM’s between Hamid and I. Needless to say it was extremely horrible. I felt like the worst person, and although I had felt guilty the whole time it was going on it wasn’t anything like the guilt after seeing Derick so hurt. Some people may wonder how this was going on and he had no idea, but like I said before, Derick had no reason not to trust me and he loved me and didn’t believe I could be so heartless. He told me that if I promised never to see Hamid again that he would stay with me and it would be ok. I told him I couldn’t do that.

Derick moved out—he never told our friends the real reason for our break-up, but it didn’t matter. All of our mutual friends stopped talking to me. They told me that after we broke up they saw Derick first so they felt they should be on his side. I didn’t understand. I’m an extremely loyal friend and it made no sense that you couldn’t remain friends with both parties. It really fucked me up. More than anyone really understood. I felt so guilty, worried, paranoid that now I deserved that I deserved horrible things to happen to me they would, and I felt hurt and abandoned by people who I had spent years with, people who I thought cared about me. Derick was so nice and gentle to me about it as well which made my guilt so much worse.

I moved to the same town as Hamid and things just went along. I became more bitter and worried. My guilt and anger at myself would seep out of me and I would cry and break down or get angry. When we were first together Hamid was like a mystery. He never showed much emotion, but I believed I was the person that could open him up, make him feel safe enough to show me his feelings. I convinced myself that underneath his stoic exterior he was really so sweet and loving. He would tell me things about himself—secrets, fears, sad events, his dreams, passions, and what he loved. He told me how he was scared of me leaving him, me getting bored with being around him, and then he just….stopped. I don’t know if it was just a plateau or if I had come to see that Hamid didn’t have the ability to really love someone. He couldn’t understand feelings or emotions. He didn’t understand that not getting anything for my birthday—not even a card, was a shitty thing. He thought that he was being sensible. He told me I was insatiable, couldn’t be happy, always had to find something to be upset about. He said we were both difficult people for others to date. That he and I were hard people to love.

We both applied to law school, he would be in Dallas at SMU, and I would be in Tucson at the University of Arizona. I was reluctant, but Hamid wanted us to do the long distance thing. Then all of a sudden he ended up getting a job in Austin. He decided he would rather do that and within a month he had moved there. I was heartbroken. I was finally left completely alone. I was scared, friendless, constantly sad and worried, while he was happy to be living in the town he always wanted to—with friends, people that he knew through work. I was willing to do whatever needed to be done to make him happy. I would drive there at the drop of a dime if he asked me to. In July, before I moved to Tucson, I went to stay with him for two weeks. It was so amazing. All of my fears and worries disappeared. Seeing him and seeing how happy he was to see me made me realize that the distance wasn’t a problem—in fact it made our time together so fulfilling and perfect. I spent the fourth of July there and we watched fireworks, I was there for his birthday and we went to every place that he wanted to try in Austin but didn’t have someone to go with. It honestly felt magical. He cried when I left.

Then I moved to Tucson and Hamid casually broke up with me. He told me he loved me, he wished he could lead two separate lives so I could still be with him, he wished he could put me under his bed in a box and do his own thing and then take me out when he was done, but he wanted to be alone in Austin. I was shell-shocked. I had moved by myself to Tucson. I didn’t know a single person here, had never even visited before, and I had already lost a whole group of friends, and a 10 year relationship with someone who actually loved me all so Hamid could build up his ego before going to find someone better in a better town.

He visited me in October and it was like nothing changed. Things were good, he was happy to be with me, he was sweet and loving. When I dropped him off at the airport he was crying so hard I had to go to the cell lot so he could let it out and compose himself before walking in. He told me he loved me, he missed me so much, he needed to see me again, he promised we would see each other again. We never did.

It’s been about a year-and-a half since I last saw Hamid, longer since he broke up with me, and even long since he left me alone and moved to Austin. I’ve never recovered. I can’t forget any of it. I constantly replay every situation, every memory in my mind. Almost everything I hear or see relates back to Hamid in some way. It’s fucking horrible. I can’t get my brain to turn that off. I understand why auditory schizophrenics kill themselves. . For awhile I couldn’t eat and I dropped down to 95 pounds. I would cut myself, started pulling out hair, and got so close to killing myself that I wrote out a will and my last wishes. I’ve done therapy, taken different medications, gone on dates, and focused on school or friends. Nothing has helped. I have never found anyone that I have been seriously attracted to, or even attracted to enough to have a slight crush. No butterflies in my stomach, no “I can’t wait until tomorrow” feelings, nothing to make me excited to go to bed so I could come up with dream scenarios. I’m not really sure if I’m ever going to be able to find someone else.

Derick has been with his new girlfriend now for almost two years and they live together. Hamid is extremely happy in Austin and dating a girl about five years younger—an interior designer who he tells all the same secrets and insights to, and he plays the same songs that he said were ours to, and I’m a fucked up, broken mess. I still cry weekly, I still have dreams about hamid and I wake up crying. I’m obsessive, and I can’t be alone for very long or I start to get so upset. I hate myself for being so stupid. I feel ugly and like a loser…I wasn’t good enough or worthwhile enough for Hamid to stay with me even though he “loved” me. I feel like a failure. How is everyone else so fucking happy? How did they move on?  I am not happy here, but I don’t have anywhere to go. I don’t have a home anymore or a happy place. Everywhere is filled with memories.

I know that if I went back in time I wouldn’t change being with Hamid. I know that I felt stuck and scared of only being with one person, and I know that I needed to be with someone else to understand that. But I’ve destroyed my life and I can’t fix that. I have been with the most amazing, loving man, and I’ve been with the most attractive, desirable man. How can anyone top that? I’ve never wanted to feel pathetic or like a loser. I’ve never wanted to look like a failure. It hurts to know that people were happy when Hamid broke up with me, that people are happy now, that even after telling people how upset I was/am they still don’t care. I realize that I will never be fixed. I have given up on hoping for those memories to go away and a new start. I still hurt myself and most days I’m not happy to be alive. It feels good to get this out there and share it with someone…and while it seems super depressing and melodramatic it’s the truth and it’s fucking real. Not everyone wins or makes it out alive. I know there are other people who have hurt this much, are hurting this much, or will one day hurt this much, and it’s fucking terrible to feel so alone. I wanted to share this so that other people know they aren’t alone in feeling like this. I share these feelings and desires with you. I hope you find love and happiness. I hope my story resonates with someone or at least makes you think about what you really want out of life. Thanks for letting me share this part of my life with you and letting me totally vent. XOXOXO








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42 Responses to “reader submission: “Cheating; or how I got with the man I was crazy about and completely fucked up my world.””

  1. cool story, but i kinda miss YOUR stories, Alexi.

  2. “I didn’t understand. I’m an extremely loyal friend…”

  3. i still tell my stories katie. and there’s lot’s of reading you can catch up on by going through my archives. kinda like that ‘make it yours mondays/reader submissions’ inspires people to write! it’s a good thing. xoxo

  4. This made me feel so sad! Girl you gotta learn to be OK with your pain. This is a painful life for all of us but you have to LIVE it! Suicide is not the answer, I know it seems like this life goes on for forever but it doesn’t, no one makes it out alive! I just lost my bestfriend to suicide and it makes me so sad that he never saw Europe or Egypt or all the wondeful things we wanted to see. If you hurt so bad then it can’t get worse, so get out there and make your pain the fuel that makes your live! And p.s. I wouldn’t expect to find any sort of dream guy in Tuscan Arizona, no offense AZ!

  5. I felt exactly the same… and you know what? one day i just felt tired of being sad and depressed, so i decided that maybe i will never be able to find/feel the same but that is no good reason to close the door to happiness, love or whatever life might bring. Even if its not enough, it is what it is and I’m just gonna roll with the flow and let life surprise me.

  6. Personally I love the reader submissions.. They’re so raw and at times relatable. Everyone has a story worth sharing, and I think it’s a beautiful thing.
    As for the submission, I felt like I was reading a scene from a movie. It definitely resonates with me, as I’m sure with many girls. Over a year ago I was in the worst “place” ever. I went through an awful breakup, lost a ton of weight, didn’t do well in school, and cried every night. But I went to see a therapist, and things just started looking up. My friends had been there for me every step of the way, it’s so important to surround yourself with good people. I used to hate it when people told me that it gets better, but it truly does! 🙂

  7. dear submitter–
    no way do i want to trivialize or belittle what you’re feeling, but i got a definite impression from what i read and would like to offer my perspective. i know it’s a much more complicated story than what you can put in a few hundred words but…i think you wanted and needed to get out of your relationship and this hamid was the catalyst for that and the pain you’re going through now is the guilt you think you need to feel about it. but you don’t need to feel this much guilt. you really didn’t do anything wrong. you weren’t married, you didn’t have kids with the guy, this kind of thing is very common and it’s all in the game.
    you’re feeling guilty because you’re a good person, if you were a shit you wouldn’t feel bad at all. i wish you could let it all go, in fact i think there’s waaay too much guilt in our culture. i cheated on every girlfriend i ever had and i don’t feel bad about it at all (i’m married now, with a kid, would never ever cheat)! and that brings me to another point: a girl shouldn’t feel worse about that than a man, but unfortunately there seems to be more of a stigma for a girl cheating on her boyfriend than vice versa. it’s dumb but it’s something you have to fight against.
    doing the math, i get the idea that you’re in your mid-to-late twenties, and this, i know from experience, is a very difficult and tumultuous period in young people’s lives. there’s a very definite shift that occurs then, where you go from being a sort of grown-up kid to being a full grown-up and the identity problems that we go through can be brutal and baffling and it can take years to feel like it’s behind you. but you will get through it.
    i’m not worried about the suicide stuff, we’ve all felt that way and most of us don’t do it. what worries me is the idea of you developing negative thought processes that can continue to reverberate through your adult years. i’ve seen it happen, somebody gets into some trip in their twenties and carries it around for years and years after they should have let it go because it’s all they know. you only have one life, you owe it to yourself to get free from this, whatever it takes. what’s done is done, everybody else sounds like they’re fine, so focus on giving yourself a break. you need to direct your energy into something positive for yourself. are you in law school? you could definitely put a lot of energy that way, become the best law student/ lawyer that anybody’s ever seen. exercise, read, be outside. don’t be in a hurry to date, that will all happen when it’s ready to happen, nobody’s keeping score. but most of all, forgive yourself, look to the future, and trust me–in a few years this will all seem like a book you read a long time ago. i know it suck now, but it’ll be okay.

  8. i know it *sucks* now

  9. agreed with ernie. submitter – i hope things get better. xo

  10. You cheated on your 10 year, co-habitating boyfriend with his good buddy. Do you really wonder why your mutual friends might not have sided with you? Bad vibes, girl. Why can’t people just be honest? Stories like this are what makes us all so suspicious.

    I don’t think you need to feel less guilty. I think that if you do right by people, people will do right by you. The OP blew it, which is fine. ‘Happens. But hopefully if the situation comes along again she might try to handle it differently.

  11. I’ve been there. I don’t think my pain got to the extent that yours did, but i’ve definitely been there. but you know what, it’s not over yet. cause you’re not better. thank you for sharing. nice to know that the pain youre feeling isn’t one you have to feel alone

  12. Submitter-
    I relate to this story on two different ends of the spectrum, the first being I was the one who was cheated ON by someone who I was with for five years. Three times. I was the one that found the explicit texts, the texts with nudes, the emails, the emails with nudes, was left to feel guilty and like a shitty irrational girlfriend when he’d “hangout” with these girls, and then shit hit the fan, and our relationship of five years, all the people I met, friends I made, family I had, was GONE in an instant, I got walked on, trampled over, and I like you, stopped eating, lost weight, didn’t want to go to work, didn’t want to see anyone, become paranoid, pathetic and thought I was completely alone that that it was all my fault and I would never find someone else again. But, I realized that he was a fucking lunatic, who cheated on me multiple times, was emotionally abusive and controlling, jealous, and mean, and that my love for him was nothing that could not be gotten over. and I have. Just remember, you cheated on your boyfriend of ten years to pursue a relationship with someone whom you had a deep physical connection with (you’ve said multiple times that he was very attractive), and now you’re hurting because he (which reading all of this, seems inevitable) left you. You’re chasing something and won’t let go of something toxic, that YOU created. You put yourself in this situation, now get yourself the fuck out. Snap out of it. There’s so much more to life. Stop blaming yourself, let sleeping dogs lay. You cannot go back and change anything, so stop thinking about it, stop thinking about him, and turn a new fucking page.

  13. Brigette, I am from Tucson. I no longer live there as I am now in New York but Tucson has PLENTY of babes. Not only are they babes but they are for the most part good dudes with good hearts and even better taste in music. Don’t knock it til you try it. And to the writer – I felt that way in Tucson once, actually last year. And I made it out alive! I am now thriving and dating a wonderful gorgeous man in Brooklyn. There is hope for us all.

  14. Submitter,
    I agree with Ernie. You have held the burden of this guilt for long enough. From what it sounds like, everyone else has moved on and is doing just fine. Sure, they may not have very nice things to say about the situation, but they have let that go. Derick sounds like a sweet guy, and knowing that he has aloud someone new in is life is a good indicator that he has accepted and forgave. Hamid was temptation, and excitement, but Derick was safe, and predictable. You wanted something different than what Derick had to offer, so you took it. What’s done is done. You sound like a very smart, kind, and wonderful person. Stop beating yourself up. Grab your lady balls and move on.

  15. Not excusing your behavior with Hamid, but Derrick was your first boyfriend. Of course you wanted to try dating other boys, 10 years is a long time to be with somebody, especially if you’ve not played the field.

    However, clearly you’ve learned that cheating on somebody isn’t a very nice way to treat somebody who loves you, nor end a valued relationship. It also doesn’t win friends. Statistically a relationship with Hamid was doomed to failure, it is harder to trust somebody whom you’ve cheated with. It’s not a solid foundation for a relationship, especially long distance. Sounds like it ended well, considering what could have happened.

    I think what you need to consider is your depth of emotional reaction, the public suicide declarations on the internet and professions of cutting. How are you going to get Hamid back by killing yourself? How is it possible that a girl who is clearly smart enough to get into law school is so caught up in a destructive whirlwind dramatizing over some guy? Cutting your nose off to spite your face feels so deliciously gratifying while in the moment, it’s really rather embarrassing and eye-roll-inducing from the observers end.

    Work on getting your meds balanced, your life headed where you want it to be (without a guy) and you are sure to find another guy who is just as sweet as these two you’ve mentioned. After all, both of those wonderful boys were madly in love with you! Just remember to handle the relationship with more honesty and care next time.

  16. Amazing story, heartbreaking really.

    But girl, you’ve made a big mistake and hurt someone you loved and yourself in the process….but you’ve already shown your humanity right here.

    Any time someone makes a mistake, the first step is to recognize your failure. You’ve done that.

    Next, make peace with those that you’ve wronged. You and this guy are still cool? That’s great. Whatever wrong you’ve done is over.

    Next…look at your true friends. Your true friends will come out, even if it takes them some time. Everyone else….FUCK them! As long as you sincerely show remorse, and people don’t accept that…..that’s on them. Nobody’s perfect.

    Finally, you should sit back and FORGIVE YOURSELF. Look yourself in the mirror and recognize that you are a different person than you were before. You’ve learned to appreciate what you have.

    Things suck right now, but eventually the ship will right itself and good things will flow in again. You will appreciate those a hundred times more than someone who hasn’t had that journey.

    Lastly…move on. You gotta look at it as your own personal Vietnam War. Just recognize it as a calamity, something that can’t be undone, and put a little memorial in your heart to the pain. But man…it’s over. There’s brighter days after that. There are plenty of other great guys, just hold out hope. They’re there. Don’t beat yourself up too much for acting on non-monogamous feelings after 10 years with only 1 person. Not that you should’ve done it that way, but what’s done is done.

    I want you to write down all the shitty things you think about yourself, put them on notecards, and tear one up each morning on your way out the door….vowing not to be that person again.

    Don’t even think of killing yourself again. Life’s a big game and you just need a power-up.

  17. i agree with everyone here. this is a great place to expose yourself.

  18. you say that you have given up on hoping that things will get better-
    I think hoping is your mistake.

    people think that if you just sit and wait the world will move around you, but it isn’t true. things happen when you make them happen, and at the end of the day if you aren’t happy with your life then you only have yourself to blame for it.

    you have to try. don’t give up. don’t let yourself suffer when you don’t have to. you have the ability to shape the person that you are and the things that happen to you, so use it. don’t be self-pitying, and don’t wait for the world to change to suit you.

    you are all you have, so be kind to yourself. forgive yourself, and try and make your life better. and see a counsellor, it will help.

    you are young, and smart, and a million other good things beside, and there is no good reason for you to be unhappy, unless you want to be. stop waiting for things to change, and change them.

  19. ..and on a separate note, thank you for sharing. I found out about my boyfriend cheating on me in similar circumstances, and I am really grateful to you for sharing your side of the story so honestly.

    Good luck. x

  20. To the author:

    Firstly, you will definitely benefit from finding a really good therapist/counsellor to help you through this. It will really help! They are trained to help you deal!

    Secondly, stop beating yourself up, my goodness! Stop hating yourself! Just the fact that you’re on this blog means you’re doing yourself a massive favour and you’ve taken a step in the right direction so come on, keep going! Just look at all the random strangers typing pieces of advice and support from across the globe! I’m in Australia for fuck’s sake and that’s definitely nowhere near Tucson. Yet I care. Because you’re obviously not heartless and you deserve to feel better, everyone does!

    Thirdly, these may help.

    Fourthly, be brave! Chin up! Shoulders back! Things will get better if you want them to, and if you let them! Somewhere will feel like home again, you will get butterflies again, you will laugh so hard your eyes water with friends that you feel like you’ve known forever and you haven’t even met them yet, but you will as soon as you stop wallowing in self-pity and move forward!

    We’re all here supporting you. We love you. Even though you don’t know us. (Because that’s what boycrazy is really all about.) <3

  21. Not to in any way diminish the emotions that you went through, or seem to be still working through now, but I think it is time to make some real life changes. These events happened years ago in what I can only assume by your dates and life events was your teens and early twenties? I would hope that you aren’t identifying that span of time in your life as some sort of highlight or golden age. Trust me- the best is yet to come.

    And, yes, to agree with what some of the other readers touched on and what I suspect is the parable of this story; life has consequences. What is done in the dark will come to light and you’re going to have to take your lumps for that. Probably why it is better to operate going forward from a “if this relationship is really over let me just end it before I really hurt someone.” What you did here is wanted to have all the comfort of your relationship and all the passion of sex outside of it, for that you should be sorry.

  22. I feel you. I had the same experience. It’s painful.

  23. I’m sorry for your pain. It sounds like you have Borderline Personality Disorder :/ which is really really sad. Read the book “Stop Walking On Egg Shells”…

  24. feel better about myself now. thanks for this…

  25. It’s odd, the comments that say (basically) “get the fuck over it”.
    I understand this pain, I’ve been there. I know how hard it is to shake off and to break free from. Don’t they?
    Time is the only way to heal this wound.

  26. Can tell you read a lot of self-help.

  27. I know I’m going to get shouted down for this, and I no disrespect. I’ve been here and I know how hard it is, but at some point, you’re going to need to take some responsibility for your own happiness. Time doesn’t heal things. You have to work at it, and it’s really fucking hard. But when the alternative is declaring that you are helpless and feeling sorry for yourself, it seems like it’s worth the effort.

    The great thing about being single is you can change the things in your life that are making you unhappy. Figure out how to be happy on your own so that your entire life doesn’t fall apart indefinitely whenever a relationship doesn’t work out. Embrace your freedom. Learn from this. Derive your sense of self-worth from something other than the men you have dated, or may one day potentially date.

  28. dear girl,

    thank you for sharing all of your story. that can’t have been easy. but i am so glad you did. my heart goes out to you, aches for you in your very real pain. and i want you to know reading your post helped me tremendously- just as you stated you hoped it might. I lived a very similar situation. sort of from the other side. but with so many similarities. i think ernie gurney’s response is very wise. forgive yourself. by god, as soon as possible. you are stuck in a pattern of killing yourself slowly with the poison of regret. there’s no greater poison, really. you’re human. you made some mistakes. you learned a few lessons the hard way. you are not alone. forgive those who have judged you harshly- it only speaks to their cowardice and lack of compassion that they feel justified to do so. having experienced that coldness, now you can grow deeper forgiveness and compassion for others. take to heart the kindness and forgiveness you found readily available to you here in the responses to your brave post. take them in your heart and begin a new chapter in your life. it’s clear you have a good heart and want to live a good life. tell yourself that everyday. and move forward into the fresh clean future offered each morning to all of us- whether we completely fucked up yesterday or not. every day offers you a new start, a fresh page, a chance to begin again- wiser, smarter and new. find ways every day to put more love and compassion into this world for other fellow flawed and bumbling human beings, and you will begin to feel better about yourself, like yourself again, and like others. we all make mistakes. we ALL fall short of our expectations sometimes. but sometimes we rise above– and even surpass them.

    bless you and your good heart. and your new start.

  29. I really hope submitter is reading all of her responses. This is the faceless internet and she’s had close to 30 supportive responses. Sure, everyone is coming from different places but overall the responses have been so encouraging! I appreciate the support from the readers as much I as appreciate the submitter for sharing her story. Submitter: I’m sure it would be easier to hang out and keep feeling sorry for yourself but take a look at how well sharing actually turned out! Look into what the people are saying homegirl, there is a life out there waiting for you to live it.

  30. what if it’s just a made up story…

  31. Memories are a good thing. They seem hard now but bad times turn into good times and good times turn into great times. It may not seem like that right now but time will heal all wounds.

    You are in a new city and don’t know anyone. This is your opportunity to start fresh. No one knows your past unless you tell them, so they’re not going to judge you. They won’t treat you unfairly or unkind. See this as an opportunity to make new friends and start over again. God didn’t put eyes in the back of your head. He put them in front. Your past doesn’t determine your future.

    Those friends that don’t wish well for you are not your real friends. No real friend likes to see another friend suffer. Regardless of who’s fault it is, the true friend will stick close and help you through.

    Death may seem easy, painless, and peaceful. But it does not shape the person that you can become. All it does is leave a void.

    Build character, resilience, and strength. Life is short and it could be mean, but it could be a wonderful thing if you allow it to. Move forward one step at a time and you’ll look back and see how mature you’ve grown and how much wiser you are. Hold your head high and know where you’re going. Although it doesn’t feel like it right now, you were meant for greatness.

  32. I cant relate from Hamid’s perspective. I went “Hamid” on this guy I was with. He had also broke up with his long term GF to be with me. The thing is, in the end, we just really didn’t work; the lust blinded us. The lust is always temporary, and always blinding. Hes a wreck too, and thinks hes worthless, but hes not, hes amazing and beautiful and WILL find that great person in the future, i’m sure of it. I havent had the easiest time with this either. i still miss him and have withdrawls, but i know when we are together as amazing and comforting as it is, something in my heart tells me its just not meant to be. There’s a disconnect. I hope you get out of your depression and realize your beauty and self worth. Life’s been sucky, but it gets better, always…and its what you make of yourself.

  33. I felt really depressed in 2009 because my drug addict boyfriend of almost 3 years dumped me because i didn’t want him to do drugs. What I did was involve myself in new activities like pilates and get better grades to raise my gpa and made it a goal to study abroad. I had really bad days sometimes when i couldn’t stop crying and wonder what i could have done better. Until i decided to just get over it. The day before I left to Spain I spoke to him and obviously he was still a drug addict and I, an A student who was going to study out of the country, now I have been to Portugal France and Spain and found the most amazing guy. He’s from Venezuela, and makes me extremely happy and now I’m planning to come back to Sevilla and live here. Happiness is a state of mind and you need to change your outlook in life to improve it. Negativity is bad energy surrounding you, be the change you want to be in your life.

  34. What you might want to try is some volunteer work. It’s a good way to meet GOOD people when you’re in a new place, without having to be a member of any particular church or political movement.

    Aside from meeting good people (which will slowly alleviate the ALONE part), you’ll get a chance to feel like you’re helping make at least one corner of the world a little bit better… and that’s a damn good feeling.

    Also, if you’re helping people who are suffering through medical problems, homelessness, extreme poverty, etc. you might just realize that there are some things that are WAY more important than an unsuccessful relationship. And that reaching out can help you through almost any of it.

  35. you cheated with your 10 year bf with his friend. you deserve all this pain SLUT!

  36. IT WILL GET BETTER/ HAVE FAITH. Pray. Go out into nature and appreciate small miracles. Count your blessings. Practice gratitude. Give yourself time. I was in a very similar situation, and came out okay, better for it, and stronger. It took about 3 years. Right now you are still in the muck, fighting it, and that’s okay. Don’t worry about what other people think. You are NOT a slut. You probably should have been honest with Derek from the beginning, but we all make mistakes. And he forgave you, so you need to forgive yourself. Often it’s harder to be the one who leaves than the one who left, and right now you’re struggling with being both, which is a double whammy. But I promise, promise, the clouds will part. Allow yourself to heal. Channel the energy into something positive, like volunteering. Sounds trite but it isn’t. All best to you.

  37. and look at all these supportive responses! one day you will be proud of yourself for living through this. x

  38. “What you might want to try is some volunteer work. It’s a good way to meet GOOD people when you’re in a new place, without having to be a member of any particular church or political movement,” which is to say don’t volunteer because church and political movements account for 99% of all volunteer opportunities in the first place. But you guys need to make some friends. What you’re talking to is is self-branding and marketing, not a real person, and it’s sad. Stop being so gullible and USED by marketeers and profiteers. No public persona cares about you. Not ever.

  39. This was so heartbreaking.

    I just want to say that I hope you’ll be happy, soon, honestly, I guess I can’t blame you since Derick was your first boyfriend, and it was a 10-year relationship, I understand how you needed someone else. But yeah, the whole friends turning on you, that actually makes sense, you guys dated 10 years, sorry.

    I hope you find someone new, also, don’t get too attached. Unless you’re sure of this person.

    Take care.

  40. There have been a few posts suggesting that this isn’t a true story. Unfortunately it’s totally true, I know the author and was in the group of friends who “chose” Derrick. The authoress sent this link to some friends and asked that it be passed to the group of us, as a way of explanation. She also did not change the names of the boys in the story, which is pretty unfortunate for both of them.

    I am so sorry the poster is clearly doing so poorly. I know she desperately needs to seek professional help. This post is a clear cry for help.
    I was there for the “chair throwing incident”. This story explains the mystery behind the behavior but it certainly doesn’t justify to destructive and abusive behavior she displayed to Derick or the rest of us. If this had been a guy doing the same thing, the police would have been called. It’s rare you see a girl abuser/guy abusee dynamic in a relationship, but we acted towards the authoress just as we would have if it had been a male abuser.
    What the author also fails to mention is that the group of friends gave her several additional chances post break-up. Apparently completely unbeknownst to the author, I tried to rationalize and defend her behavior to everyone. The final straw for me occurred when we went for drinks with the authoress and Hamid. Her behavior was absolutely unfriendly and mean. She spent the whole evening in silence with her arms crossed texting a mutual friend how much she hated my husband and I. The other friend was forwarding the texts as they happened. This really hurt my feelings, and I decided this didn’t seem like a friendship that was worthwhile to continue. This is how the mean girls acted in elementary school. Now that I’m 30 I don’t have to take that behavior from my friends.
    Again, I’m so sorry you are doing so poorly. You seem so wrapped up in your own narrative that you’ve victimized yourself in your mind. Forgetting other important details of the story which influenced your friends reactions more than just the cheating. I hope you feel better soon, and learn from your mistakes. Down deep you are a wonderful person and I’m sure, with reflection, will take this experience and grow from it.

  41. the reason your life is so fucked up now is because of what you did to derrick. it’s called karma…

  42. this pretty much sums it up:

    not to worry, there are other good men out there.

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