BLOG » so many girls…

I’ve been so many different girls. I’ve been the girl the guy doesn’t care about, who meet her at a bar for a date and it ends in a make out in his car- meaningless and nothing. I’ve been the unattainable girl, the rebound, the girl with a puppy-dog crush, the crazy girl, the desperate girl, the dork, and the heartbreaker. I’ve been a bitch, and a sweetheart, and considered goth or mod or hipster. I’ve been the weird girl, the fancy girl, the fashiony city girl, the naïve girl. All depending on whose eyes are looking at me; Whose eyes I’m being seen through. I’ve been the starfucker, the band fucker, the girl who only dates rock stars or drummers, the girl who only wants to date rich guys or at least a guy who owns a car, the girl who doesn’t care what a guy looks like, the girl who settles, the girl who isn’t picky enough, the girl who’s too picky, the girl who only likes funny guys, the girl who only likes young guys. I’ve been the girl whose a prude- not sexually, never sexually… but alcohol and drug- wise. I’ve been the flirt, the tease, the confusing girl who leads guys on. I’ve been the mean girl, the cold girl, the girl with daddy issues, the elusive butterfly. all the while, the only variable being the man who was looking at me. and the only constant being me. so I guess when I find the right guy, whatever that means, I’ll know because I’ll be the truest, happiest, best, most balanced version of myself. I’ll be the person I am when I’m all alone, or with friends… only more loved, and, um, not alone… and maybe even contradict myself a little less.

9 Responses to “so many girls…”

  1. Yeah, someday I will be myself plus the world for someone who doesn’t criticize me or at least finds amusing all the things the guys complain right now about me. Not now, not now.

  2. I can totally relate, I think this is why when I met my current boyfriend it was the first time I felt loved for ME. Nothing else than my essence.
    It was so weird to feel that way , because for all others they had seen me as_____ ( insert whatever adjective came up in your post) a projection of their ideals and they wanted to support me becoming what in their projection of me I was suited ( mostly jobs they were doing)for.

    There is a little of all those challenging colors inside of me and that´s what keeps it interesting!

    I am going thprugh your blog from the beginning and I think you have had a great evolution : 1. you talk less and different abut eating, weight and your “dismorfia”
    2.You seem much more confident and out there and comfortable in your skin….

    also , side note, you seem to be on one of those lucky ones that get prettier with the every year!

    Have a great weekend!

  3. maike, that is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said. thank you. i am def evolving… didn’t know it was so obvious. lot’s of love, alexi

  4. @AmanitaPunk
    Too many people enter relationships with false expectations of the one they’re with. Sometimes they expect to change the person they’re with. Good luck on that, because if you can’t change yourself, how do you expect to change anyone else? Seems to me, we should enter the relationship less with expectations and/or mental images of what and who we think the person is, and more with the hope that we can truly get to know the person to the point loving them is like breathing. I wish you the best in your search for someone who will love you for you, and not for who they want you to be.

    Alexi, I’ve always thought you were beautiful from the moment I saw you bite into the York Peppermint Patty. It’s been my privilege to get to know you, to watch you grow and mature, and to become even more beautiful through this blog. Thank you for that.

  5. This was the most perfect thing to read after having gone on a first date that was nice but just not the right fit.

  6. This is why I keep reading you’re site. You just get it. Thank you.

  7. whoops, your* site

  8. been reading your blog since early 2009– this post and the baby voice post are probably my favorite.

    of course, nothing beats the BOysLifeNYC bullshit for entertainment,
    but this post WINS.

  9. love the perspective and i think its right on the money.

    unless your my ex-roommate, she would actually morph into other things with each boyfriend, no lie. one week she was a starbucks-aholic coffe coffee coffee. then she dumps her old boyfriend and gets a new boyfriend –“ew i hate coffee too, i am sooo into tea.”

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