somebody to be good for: i wrote this a few years ago…

june 

i’ve been toying with the idea of being this guys girlfriend for the past month. i do like him, so i said yes when he asked me to be exclusive, but i’m so busy and really just want to be alone… but i don’t want to lose him. in the span of 24 hours i vacillate between being repulsed by him, to fantasizing about moving to new york together, to being numb, to wanting to make a baby, to being a little annoyed, etc.

tonight as i got out of the bath and put on my acne medication and creams and potions and looked at myself naked in the mirror, i thought about how I’ve been going to the gym lately and how i might even keep it up cuz i have a newfound incentive to be naked way more now than when i was single. if you can believe that! i know! something about having a boyfriend makes me happy, a bit more peppy. i like the idea of having someone to be good for. someone to keep me in check. someone to impress. someone to take care of, someone to love, someone to check in with, someone to depend on, someone who cares, someone to be my best for, look sexy/cute for.

but ultimately the person i aim to please is me.

i mean, this guy is great, but it’s always really about me. am i  ready for a serious relationship again? they take so much energy. they can be exhausting. fuck, i just got out of a serious relationship four months prior to meeting this guy… but the way it started with this guy was so magical.

but now, about a month and a week in, i realized that we don’t really even know each other. i’m not sure what i really like about him. and some of his personality traits are super annoying. he makes up silly songs that make me cringe. all i want them to do is make me laugh, but they make me cringe. i’m sorry. it’s just how i feel. it’s my gut reaction. i don’t want to feel this way. i want to be happy. i mean, don’t i? maybe i’ll always have a problem with people. whoops, i don’t mean people. i mean: the men who try to love me. the men i love, who love me back. can i even trust my own judgement anymore? i just don’t know.

we operate under the idea that someone perfect is out there for us. is that just bullshit? how much compromise is too much compromise? what’s important? what annoying things are break-up worthy, and what are just things we should accept? how should we weigh the pros and cons? obvi: being abused is a deal breaker! i’m not questioning that. i’m talking about little things, the tiny nuances that make you cringe/turn you off/make you feel alone/alienated/misunderstood/confused. cosmopolitan problems and aspects that don’t affect people who have arranged marriages.

i’ll be fine, whatever happens. i just don’t know how many more times i can do this; go from the joy of the first encounter. the perfection. to the first fight that leads to the second and the third and ultimately what makes up the demise of the relationship.

how much work is it supposed to be?

but i’m thinking too much now. as usual. i’ll know when i know. it’ll play out the way it’s supposed to.

july

and now i am single.

i’m happy to be alone again. it’s for the best. but i am alone.

being single is one of the best things in the world. you can eat whatever, whenever, and however you like. you don’t have to check in with anyone, or be held accountable to anyone. you can work all hours, see your friends, travel, get all your errands done (couldn’t i have done that in my relationship too though? hmm)

but then those moments of loneliness can creep up on you. those are the moments when…

and now, even though i’m single, i don’t want to be naked for anyone.

i’m single again. i wanted to be. but as single as i’ve ever been, i’ve never been as NOT in the mood to have a fling as i am now. i’m even trying to keep from being naked in front of someone by sabotaging myself. i’ll get to that in a bit…

give me a few days, and i MIGHT be in the mood for a casual make out. at least some sort of public, outdoor rendezvous; on a street corner (something not confined to a bedroom), or maybe a kiss inside or leaning up against my car. which reminds me, i really want to get a prius.

just as sure as i am the next man i’ll date will drive a black prius or a black range rover, i KNOW my next car will be a pewter colored prius. it’s just something i’ve had in the back of my mind for the past seven years! i have a strict no leasing policy in my heart… cuz suze orman says it’s totally bad news to lease, but it seems like everyone in LA leases! i’d rather buy outright! wait, how the fuck did my rant turn into a one-sided discussion on cars? are you witnessing me become A-sexual?

back to sexy stuff.  my being numb, emotionally unavailable, and completely uninterested in sex has resulted in picking at my back, face, and over tweezing parts of my body until it could be considered ‘home surgery’. which i’m doing on purpose so my body isn’t up to par for a nakedess encounter. i’m damaging myself so i’ll HAVE to take the time to heal and avoid the embarrassment of being seen by the next person i let inside of me… whoever they might be.

i need to exercise some self-control. but it’s as if i’m in a trance. hopefully the new dresses i bought at urban will be enough incentive to keep my hands off myself,  not in the GOOD way!

i’ve been taking epsom salt baths (to relax my anxiety and heal). during one of these baths the other night, i decided that full retro bush/privates is the way to go this spring… and then i immediately shaved everything off my privates! WTF? i ALREADY know i’m my own worst enemy, but this is insane.

so now i’m mourning the death of and honoring time i spent in a relationship with someone i may not have even liked.

next time i’ll be more discerning with who i let get close to me, with who i let myself fall in love with. um, will i? nope. that shit just happens. but i don’t have to be scared about having an open heart and falling madly and passionately in love at the drop of a hat, as long as i always follow my gut and intuition and not waste my time as soon as i/if i fall out of love! having made a pact like that with myself makes me feel pretty safe about living my life and falling in love. (no matter how old i get. baby, no baby. marriage, no marriage.) i’m always safe. i’ll always be ok. i just have to trust that everything is exactly the way it needs to be.

i promise to keep my heart open, not be bitter, and always have a childlike enthusiasm as i keep my eyes open/look for the next person i’ll have a love affair with. because as good as it feels to be single, and as bad as it feels to be with the wrong person, when it’s right (even if only for a few months) it’s so nice to have someone to be good for.

 

tonight ‘boycrazy radio’ is CANCELLED! (now is the PERFECT time to catch up on your listening)

I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU!

I’M IN TEXAS RIGHT NOW DOING FUN STUFF! BUT I’LL BE BACK NEXT WEDNESDAY, SAME TIME, SAME PLACE: 9PM PST.

SO, IN THE MEANTIME: BE NICE TO YOURSELF, COLLECT FUN STORIES TO TELL ME, WRITE DOWN ANY/ALL QUESTIONS YOU HAVE FOR ME, DON’T GET ROOFIED, DON’T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, DON’T CUT YOURSELF, DON’T COMMIT SUICIDE, DON’T TALK TOO MUCH SHIT, CATCH UP ON ALL THE EPISODES OF ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO’ YOU’VE MISSED, AND DAY DREAM AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE ABOUT ALL THE WONDERFUL THINGS YOU WANNA DO IN YOUR LIFETIME.

I FEEL PRETTY GOOD ABOUT 2012, EVEN THOUGH THE WHOLE WORLD MIGHT END… I’M STILL EXCITED. TALK TO YOU SOOOOO SOON! LOT’S OF LOVE, ALEXI CELINE WASSER

PS: send me a video, under a minute, of you or a friend asking me for advice about anything: life, love, parents, sex, dating, drugs, style, cultural differences, anything! xoxo

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

reader submission: what happened last night?

Hi Alexi, I want to share a story with you and also let you know how your blog has changed me.

I’ve been seeing this boy, sort of for a while. He’s super sweet, he gets my cultural references, he’s got a giant penis and knows how to use it. He says sweet things to me, shares, makes sure I always get home safely. He’s bearded, tall, well-dressed and intelligent. He’s a dreamboat, in my honest opinion and I hate most men, so I don’t use that term very liberally.
The only catch is that he has a crazy ex-girlfriend.

Last weekend, while we were in the middle of a cuddle/movie sesh and his ex phones. He goes in the other room, yet her drunk dialing continues. He finally turned off his phone and explained how she’s a drunk, crazy bitch and they broke up from a long-term relationship a few months ago and have “joint custody” of the animals that live in his house. Whatever, right? We all have one crazy ex, or at least, I know I do.

So last night, he invited me over. We went for coffee and then ventured to his house. I met some of him and his roommate’s friends who seemed pretty sweet. They left at about 2am. We had plans to make tea and go to bed when there comes a knock on the door.

If you’ve ever watched 90210 (the new one), you’ll remember Jen, Naomi Clark’s sister. Well, this is the voice I heard as the door opened (it was unlocked). This 100lb redhead walks in, holier-than-thou going on about how she’s half-cut, offers us wine and sits down to explain how she’s had such a terrible night with the guy she’s seeing and was in the neighbourhood, so she thought she’d just invite herself over at 3am to vent.

I knew this was the ex, just from the vibe.

I snuck outside to have a cigarette and phone my best friend to explain the situation to her. Just after we ended our conversation, boy comes out. He apologizes for the interruption of his ex girlfriend and explains that she’s a little bit of a crazy bitch when inebriated. I explained to him that I’d like to go to bed soon and asked when she was leaving. He then explained to me that apparently, she had nowhere else to go so she had to crash. I said, “Weird, but fine.” Then he interrupted, by explaining that I would have to sleep alone on the couch while they slept in his bedroom.

I thought about it for a minute. I was enraged. I reverted back to my teenage self and tried to brush it off like I didn’t care, like it was fine. But tears welled up in my eyes. I was silver-medal compared to this bitch. I was second best. I quickly and maturely explained to him that that wasn’t fair. She should leave or at least sleep on the couch. I was there first. Yet, his back bone seemed to diminish as he explained to me that “things were still complicated and they were still sleeping together.” I explained that although we weren’t serious and we were just getting to know each other, it didn’t matter. Whomever he was sleeping with or seeing other than me doesn’t have to have anything to do with me.

I felt sixteen again. Trapped. Rejected. I literally texted 18 people in five minutes desperately, looking for a place to stay, looking for help.

If he had been at my house that night and one of my exes or friends with benefits or dudes I was seeing showed up, I would promptly tell them I was busy and to leave after questioning why they thought it was appropriate to show up at my home unannounced, half cut at 3am.

After this discussion, I explained to him that I would be selling myself short to sleep on the couch alone while he slept with his ex in his bedroom to “figure out” whatever needed to be figured out. I asked him not to feed me bullshit, and he continued to explain how complicated the situation was, how he’s enjoying getting to know me, how beautiful and perfect I am and how he gets excited every time he sees me, yet is not committed enough to have a relationship with me.
I never asked for a relationship.

All I asked is to have passionate sex in his bedroom, drink tea, talk about the world and cuddle, like we usually do.

By this point, his bones had turned to jelly. I was leaving, this bitch was here to stay. You could see the satisfaction in her drunken face that I was leaving. She knew she had the upper-hand. In my rage, I almost wanted to take out my earrings and tell her what a stupid bitch she was, but alas, I’m more refined than that.

He offered to pay for a cab so that I could go home. The ex lives six blocks away, while I live across town and he spent 5x the amount it would have cost to get her home, so that I could leave. He paid for me to leave so that he could spend the night with his ex.

As soon as I got home, I burst into tears.

Now today, his roommate has been talking to me, telling me how sorry he is that he wasn’t awake to drive me home, telling me how right I was for leaving. The boy has also been texting me, apologizing for the asshole move he made, saying that he enjoys me, but things are still oh-so complicated between him and his ex. He wants to take me for coffee, lunch, movies, dinner, anything and wants me to forgive him.

I don’t know that I’ll never forgive him. But I don’t know if he’s worth my time after last night. I went from being a giddy school girl to being an anxious mess in literally two minutes because of this woman who means nothing to me.

But, I know if I would have stayed on that couch, I would have felt worse today. The teenage me may have, just to avoid drama. I would have put a smile on my face and just dealt with how shitty I felt and maybe cried myself to sleep knowing I was not the one that night. But instead, I grew a backbone and with class, told him that what he was doing was incredibly shitty, but that I wasn’t going to argue about it any longer.

I don’t know what’ll happen with this boy. Before this, he seemed perfect. While watching movies, I could feel his glance at me and see a smirk from the corner of my eye. When he runs his fingers down my back after we have sex, I shiver. When he tells me about his interests and goals, I’m interested, as he is when I talk about mine.

Despite all that, I’m capable of so much and worth so much more than the couch and I know that and I think realizing that is a part of growing up. It’s funny how in moments of rejection, self-doubt and confidence blows, you find small bits of pride in yourself. I was the better person. I didn’t yell, I didn’t scream, I didn’t tell him that I hated him. I just explained how I felt and how what he was doing was wrong and left with class. I never would have done this four or five years ago.

Thank-you for showing women everywhere that they are empowered and in control, even when everything around them is out of control.

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ boycrazyalexi@gmail.com

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

happy holidays from me to you!

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO!’

CALL ME TONIGHT…

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 21, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

ps: if you’re in another country,

you can call me using gmail or skype!

pps: if you can’t call during the show,

leave me a message on my NEW toll free

‘boycrazy voice-mailbox’ 1(888)666-2045

we’ll bro out, role play,

and discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio

coming of age story…

Once upon a time, a teenage me went to New York to see a boy. i barely had any money, but an ex of mine told me about a cheap hotel he’d heard of, exclusively advertised in the back pages of the village voice. $200 dollars a week DID sound too good to be true. but i was a hopeful dreamer!

when i got there, the hotel was a shit hole a place where hookers took their john.

I got in the elevator. its smell was a mix of marijuana, indian food, and death. a big black dude, no sense of personal space followed me in. i could feel his warm breath and relentless stare on the back of my neck. i’m pretty sure he was drooling too. for real. not that i think i’m hot shit or anything. i’m sure he would have drooled over ANY girl he was about to murder. but that day it was ME. ME!

We arrived at my floor. I ran for my room, and he followed. i hoped he didn’t think i was racist, cuz I’m totally not but the blood on his face and his lazy eye made me nervous, not to mention the fact that he had pressed the button for another floor.

i got into my room. it was as small as an American apparel dressing room. But not nearly as modern and bright.and the peephole was filled with toilet paper instead of glass.

there was a knock, which turned into banging! “Let me in miss. You better let me in!”

i had no cell service and there was no phone in the room. I couldn’t be a pussy right now. that was reserved for every other day of my life.

Was today really the day I was going to get raped to death? NO FUCKING WAY! I pried open the window and climbed 8 flights down the fire escape.

I called the boy I’d come to New York for. We’d had one epic make out during a previous visit & I wanted so badly to recapture whatever it was i thought we’d had. but when i got to his place, it just wasn’t there anymore. and my visit was putting way too much pressure on us.

what happened? a myriad of things i suppose.

i wasn’t in a good place emotionally and not just because I was nearly murdered hours earlier; I’d gained weight, I felt needy and aimless. And it wasn’t this dudes job to make me loved or safe. He was basically a stranger. and was it just me, or was I like a foot taller than him? I guess I’d never realized how much my head tilted down when we’d met.

I was bloated. I was depressed. and then I GOT MY PERIOD. instead of making up an excuse as simple as ‘a starbux run’ (to go get tampons and baby wipes) – which is what i would do NOW  – I went mute and did nothing. he suggested we smoke pot. i really didn’t want to, so i said, ‘OK’.

the pot made me paranoid as fuck. he passed out, and I prayed I wouldn’t bleed on his white sheets. i did.

I left in the morning, without saying goodbye. and we never spoke again.

I had nowhere else to go, so i called my ex who’d vouched for the shitty hotel to begin with. He said I could stay with him. the only thing was, I didn’t wanna have sex with him at all, but I knew I’d feel obligated. He’s a dude, I’m a girl, and we’d already had sex in the past.

My ex was house-sitting in the east village. when i arrived, there were two older, cooler girls hanging out.

these girls were mean. I didn’t even have time to decide if I liked them, before they made it clear they were excluding me. they were like an exclusive club that was at capacity. so I drank to keep my social anxiety at bay. creating more bloat that I’d hate myself for later.

eventually they went home, leaving me and the dude to ourselves. I dreaded this.

we laid on the living room floor. he kissed me. i could handle this. maybe we would just make-out for a bit then fall asleep?

He pulled my pants down, I mumbled ”no, don’t. I’m having my female problem.”

my female problem? If I could have punched myself in the face to snap me out of my passive bullshit, I would have. But I was stuck so deep inside my skin that i couldn’t take ownership of myself. i couldn’t stop apologizing for myself. it was Like everyone else was perfect and allowed to exist, and I was just lucky to be there.

it would take me years before i learned how to say ‘no’. and i don’t just mean saying no sexually. i mean saying no to anything.it would take me years before i was able to stop being such a people pleaser. to be the same version of myself in every situation, to feel comfortable in silence, to hold myself accountable, to like myself. to be confident, and know i had something to offer.

My ex kept pulling my pants down. That’s weird,he must not have heard me. so I said it louder “but I have my period. you don’t wanna do that! i’m gross.”

His head between my legs, he just smiled. AND THAT’S WHEN THE GNARLIEST SEXUAL THING I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED HAPPENED:

He very cooly and calmly pulled my tampon out of my PRIVATE with his teeth, tossed it across the room, proceeded to go down on me… and I’m pretty sure I came.

READER SUBMISSION: a boy wants to know…

Hey Alexi,

I’ve been a big time fan of your blog, blind leading the blind being my favorite series. Anyway, this post is a somewhat personal make it yours monday, or friday, or whatever. So this will be a hypothetical situation that happened to me with some details changed, but the general gist is the same:
So, say I meet this girl, we go out a couple of times and I find I REALLY like her. As in, I can see a future with her; long-term relationship, marriage, whatever you define a future as. Anyway, she tells me that she likes me too, but she doesn’t know if she is ready for a relationship. I say I want to know how she feels and she says ‘i still doesn’t know, I don’t think I want a relationship.’ So things end, but I still really like her.
At what point does waiting around in case she changes her mind become pathetic/desperation versus romantic and proof that you really want to be with her? How long should I wait if at all? I really like her and I don’t know what to do.

Thanks

JOIN THE I’M BOYCRAZY CONVERSATION! 

IF YOU WANNA SUBMIT SOMETHING, I’D LOVE TO SEE IT AND POST IT!

I PREFER VIDEO SUBMISSIONS- UNDER 3 MINUTES:

AND THIS DOESN’T MEAN YOU SEXY/SILLY DANCING IN FRONT OF YOUR COMPUTER!

TELL ME SOMETHING! WHAT ARE YOU FEELING/NOTICING?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING? WHAT’S BOTHERING YOU?

E MAIL ME @ boycrazyalexi@gmail.com

write ‘make it YOURS monday’ in the heading (for videos)

OR ‘reader submission’ (for written submissions)

PS:

• follow me on twitter @imboycrazy

• call me and leave a voice message: 888 666-2045

(ask me a question, tell me a secret, or say something neat)

I LOVE YOU

the blind leading the blind (part 76):

1. dudes! When sexxxting, or EVER, never refer to a girls pussy/privates/vagina or cunt as her ‘pussy hole’! It’s sooo gross! ‘Pussy’ will suffice! The word ‘pussy’ INCLUDES the hole!

2. weight gain is not allowed in a relationship. When you enter into a relationship, you should only get better or at LEAST stay at the shitty point you entered it in. This weight gain rule goes for men AND women. Men, you say you don’t like ‘fatties’. Well fuck you. Neither do we. So drink a little less beer and stop it with all the crap food… And see how many more blow jobs you get standing up now that your tummy’s not resting on your (nearly ex) girlfriends head! You’re welcome. Both of you should keep each other in check! Her thighs get big, she has a muffin top, this affects how attracted you are to her. He has a spare tire, he crushes you when he’s on top of you, you can’t find his dick cuz it’s engulfed in fat and he’s sweating all over you… That affects you! It’s unattractive! It just is. So eat a little less, steam, walk, stop with the alcohol, don’t eat chips/fast food/soda/too much bread, pasta,rice, and take care of your fucking body. IT MATTERS!

PS: This does not include pregnancy, unless it’s an accidental pregnancy that the boy doesn’t want but the girl insists on having. in which case, this weight gain will be a relationship ruiner as well.

3. super market baggers: I know your job isn’t ideal, but isn’t it a cool idea to excel at what you do? Here’s a tip: weight distribution between bags is key! and when bagging individual bags, always remember: heaviest stuff on the bottom, lightest stuff on top is key. sounds SO SIMPLE! but you’d be surprised!

4. enough with the short in the front, long in the back dresses/skirts. they suck! and that makes YOU suck!

5. don’t wear lots of heavy cologne/perfume. One spritz and you’re done.

6. it’s all about elle Macpherson intimates!

7. for those of you new to los Angeles, and even for those of you who aren’t in the know: coffee houses such as ‘stir crazy’ and ‘the bourgeois pig’ are loser epicenters. don’t get caught where you don’t think you belong.

8. every time you do something weird or gross, or ANYTHING for that matter, in front of your computer… someone is watching you through the video camera. I mean, maybe. but probably. Just be careful. you’ve been warned.

9. people can think they know everything about you… But keep some stuff to yourself, ok? That’s what I do. er, i mean… that’s what my therapist tells me to do.

10. don’t use the term ‘horns’ or ‘horny’. both are SUCH a clitoral hard-off!

ps:

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER @IMBOYCRAZY

boycrazy christmas wish list:

Listen, I really don’t ask for a lot. I write this blog, make silly videos giving my over the top opinions on stuff, write way too revealing stories about my thoughts/feelings/sexual experiences/relationships, i interview cute boys, write lists called ‘the blind leading the blind’, and do a weekly call in advice show called ‘Boycrazy Radio’… so ALL i’m saying is: if by any chance you feel like you’d like to get ME something for Christmas or the new year, then by ALL means… follow your gut! i love you a ton! and THIS would the PERFECT opportunity to show me how much you love me too! you can even chip in with like 12 friends or whatevs. no pressure. xoxo

ALEXI WASSER’S 2011 CHRISTMAS WISH LIST:

•Large tortoise-shell wayfarers ray bans

•a bull horn

•The ORIGINAL beverly hills 90210 series on dvd

•Massage at Bahn Sabai (epic massage place on Hillhurst in Los Feliz, CA)

•Burberry ‘manston’ trench size 6 US trench – below the knee

•i-phone 5

•Creme de la mer eye cream

•Jumbo black classic Chanel bag with GOLD hardware

•Black Balenciaga ‘vellow’ bag

•Gift cards for Lingerie:

Victoria’s Secret

la perla

kiki of Montparnasse

cosabella

agent provocateur 

•Gift cards for other stuff that makes me happy:

J Crew

Urban Outfitters

Club Monaco

Madewell

barney’s

Fresh

Target

M cafe

SEND PREZZIES TO:

alexi wasser

po box 480876

LA CA 90048

or

email me: boycrazyalexi@gmail.com

or

just follow me on twitter @imboycrazy 

TONIGHT: ‘BOYCRAZY RADIO!’

CALL ME TONIGHT…

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER 14, 2011

DURING BOYCRAZY RADIO

9PM PST/12AM EST

JUST CLICK HERE TO LISTEN

DIAL:

1(646) 378-0649

OR CALL TOLL FREE:

1(877) 569-3588

ps: if you’re in another country,

you can call me using gmail or skype!

pps: if you can’t call during the show,

leave me a message on my NEW toll free

‘boycrazy voice-mailbox’ 1(888)666-2045

we’ll bro out, role play,

and discuss ALL your love, sex, dating,

and life dilemmas!

Listen to internet radio with Alexi Wasser on Blog Talk Radio


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