BLOG » coming of age story…
Once upon a time, a teenage me went to New York to see a boy. i barely had any money, but an ex of mine told me about a cheap hotel he’d heard of, exclusively advertised in the back pages of the village voice. $200 dollars a week DID sound too good to be true. but i was a hopeful dreamer!
when i got there, the hotel was a shit hole a place where hookers took their john.
I got in the elevator. its smell was a mix of marijuana, indian food, and death. a big black dude, no sense of personal space followed me in. i could feel his warm breath and relentless stare on the back of my neck. i’m pretty sure he was drooling too. for real. not that i think i’m hot shit or anything. i’m sure he would have drooled over ANY girl he was about to murder. but that day it was ME. ME!
We arrived at my floor. I ran for my room, and he followed. i hoped he didn’t think i was racist, cuz I’m totally not but the blood on his face and his lazy eye made me nervous, not to mention the fact that he had pressed the button for another floor.
i got into my room. it was as small as an American apparel dressing room. But not nearly as modern and bright.and the peephole was filled with toilet paper instead of glass.
there was a knock, which turned into banging! “Let me in miss. You better let me in!”
i had no cell service and there was no phone in the room. I couldn’t be a pussy right now. that was reserved for every other day of my life.
Was today really the day I was going to get raped to death? NO FUCKING WAY! I pried open the window and climbed 8 flights down the fire escape.
I called the boy I’d come to New York for. We’d had one epic make out during a previous visit & I wanted so badly to recapture whatever it was i thought we’d had. but when i got to his place, it just wasn’t there anymore. and my visit was putting way too much pressure on us.
what happened? a myriad of things i suppose.
i wasn’t in a good place emotionally and not just because I was nearly murdered hours earlier; I’d gained weight, I felt needy and aimless. And it wasn’t this dudes job to make me loved or safe. He was basically a stranger. and was it just me, or was I like a foot taller than him? I guess I’d never realized how much my head tilted down when we’d met.
I was bloated. I was depressed. and then I GOT MY PERIOD. instead of making up an excuse as simple as ‘a starbux run’ (to go get tampons and baby wipes) - which is what i would do NOW – I went mute and did nothing. he suggested we smoke pot. i really didn’t want to, so i said, ‘OK’.
the pot made me paranoid as fuck. he passed out, and I prayed I wouldn’t bleed on his white sheets. i did.
I left in the morning, without saying goodbye. and we never spoke again.
I had nowhere else to go, so i called my ex who’d vouched for the shitty hotel to begin with. He said I could stay with him. the only thing was, I didn’t wanna have sex with him at all, but I knew I’d feel obligated. He’s a dude, I’m a girl, and we’d already had sex in the past.
My ex was house-sitting in the east village. when i arrived, there were two older, cooler girls hanging out.
these girls were mean. I didn’t even have time to decide if I liked them, before they made it clear they were excluding me. they were like an exclusive club that was at capacity. so I drank to keep my social anxiety at bay. creating more bloat that I’d hate myself for later.
eventually they went home, leaving me and the dude to ourselves. I dreaded this.
we laid on the living room floor. he kissed me. i could handle this. maybe we would just make-out for a bit then fall asleep?
He pulled my pants down, I mumbled ”no, don’t. I’m having my female problem.”
my female problem? If I could have punched myself in the face to snap me out of my passive bullshit, I would have. But I was stuck so deep inside my skin that i couldn’t take ownership of myself. i couldn’t stop apologizing for myself. it was Like everyone else was perfect and allowed to exist, and I was just lucky to be there.
it would take me years before i learned how to say ‘no’. and i don’t just mean saying no sexually. i mean saying no to anything.it would take me years before i was able to stop being such a people pleaser. to be the same version of myself in every situation, to feel comfortable in silence, to hold myself accountable, to like myself. to be confident, and know i had something to offer.
My ex kept pulling my pants down. That’s weird,he must not have heard me. so I said it louder “but I have my period. you don’t wanna do that! i’m gross.”
His head between my legs, he just smiled. AND THAT’S WHEN THE GNARLIEST SEXUAL THING I’VE EVER EXPERIENCED HAPPENED:
He very cooly and calmly pulled my tampon out of my PRIVATE with his teeth, tossed it across the room, proceeded to go down on me… and I’m pretty sure I came.
I feel like I’ve read this before…
Recycled…about three times now…
i made lot’s of changes. and i want the people who haven’t read it to read it… get off my back, it’s the holidays.
yeah, for people like me who haven’t read it before… i really enjoyed this:)
learning to say no will be the best xmas present i ever give myself.
thanks for posting this, alexi!
now that’s a fucking good storey!
Is this why girls like vampires?
Even if ive read this before I still find it highly entertaining!
fuck i wish people would shut up and let her write what she wants to write on her OWN FUCKING BLOG. i haven’t read this before. thanks for sharing. means a lot.
This is so bad… In spite the “lot’s” of changes, there should be no surprise that it will REMAIN bad.
seriously, fuck off, it’s her blog, this is a good story. when was the last time you helped someone?
It (USED TO BE) a free country so if she wants to compose absolute shite and exhibit it publicly for comment, she has every right to do that, just has everyone has a right to let her know it’s shite. For all the rest of you chipper people commenting on the (DUH) “good storey” I you just part of an elaborate joke to show the absurd lack of talent going on here, or are you genuinely SO retarded as to believe this ridiculous incident to be true if it isn’t already describing borderline non-human activity.
“Like Seriussly”: A) your solecism-riddled comment is hoist with its own petard B) you’re free to fart in a KFC and accuse someone else of doing it, too, I suppose; the question is not whether others must allow you to do it but what it means about *you* to behave that way. You’re like some raging adolescent nitwit who goes on a fan forum to say “The Beatles suck!”… or “The Beatles support the Patriarchy!”… over and over again, for months and months. Don’t you understand how neurotic/retarded that is?
Does this blog pretend to be about Literature? Does anyone need the kind of faulty stylistic and grammatical “input” you “offer”? (Kudos on gradually weaning yourself off the ALL CAPS habit, though: it’s just so hood). Why don’t you find the courage to set up your own little Popsicle stand? Isn’t it time you grew out of your pseudo-dissident, quasi-feminist, sophomore rage and addressed your own (obviously serious) problems?
For the life of me, I’ll never understand why some people feel compelled to repeatedly visit a blog that they consider to be ‘shite’ (a la Like seriussly). If it’s not your cup of tea, then stop fucking drinking it and go get a goddamn soda.
Not only that, but to post a bunch of insults in the comments, without even a tinge of constructive criticism… I just don’t get it. What are you hoping to achieve? Yes you are perfectly entitled to state your opinion, even if it is harsh, but without any suggestions for improvement, your comment is a mere eyesore and a source of potential distress for others.
Like Seriussly: To flat out insult Alexi’s form of personal expression on her own blog that nobody forced you to visit, it’s just rude! Sure a lot of the things she posts are opinionated and can be harsh as well, but everything she says, it’s clearly done with humor as a form of somewhat wayward, but well-meaning advice. The insults are unnecessary, you are being a peen, and my advice is to stop being so peen-like
Wow, that was sort of racist what you just implied there Steven… And so too is this post, regarding the fantasy caricature information about the black man, even if it is being presented to you under the guise of this FULL HOUSE-style context that is friendly fascism. Most people in the “real world” find disinformation like that insulting. And I think more than one person who has kids is probably hoping this doesn’t’ become a mass mediated brainwashing event targeted at young children. Like seriussly, It’s bad enough as it is…
Suggestions for Improvement? Constructive criticism?: Well, if you can’t get a real job (fairly obvious that is the case), maybe this could be more of an adult themed blog about adults who remain as children for their entire lives, hate themselves, and act out as manipulators and victimizers, control freaks intent manipulating their environment in the only way they know how: THE MORONIC WAY? Call it HASHLIGHTING.
“And so too is this post, regarding the fantasy caricature information about the black man.”
What you’re not quite bright enough to get is the fact that to require every mention of a Black man to be a description of Morgan Freeman or [insert your favorite saintly Black male] is racist. There are just as many Black nutjobs as there are White nutjobs and Asians nutjobs et al. That is Reality. When Hollywood is generating fantasy product for an audience of millions, there is a responsibility not to amplify or invent stereotypes (since every Black or Asian, etc, who makes an appearance in an otherwise “white” narrative is an ambassador for her/his race).
But when a blogger publishes what is essentially a diary entry about one of her actual experiences (I’ve read a version of this post before and I still find it entertaining)… you want her to change the race of a threatening nutjob so as not to indicate that Blacks represent the full range of humanity, too? That’s as idiotic as it is racist… and you are doing a disservice to your supposed cause (though we all know the problem you have with this blog is actually about jealousy).
alexi, i’m loyal. i read your blog every day and feel bummed when you haven’t posted in a while. i only recognized the entry as an old one when confronted with the tampon/teeth episode. that’s just not easily forgotten. fuck everyone else. it’s your blog, your life, your epic slightly vampiric sexcapade and you should post whatever the fuck you want. anybody with qualms can kick rocks.
i love your stories. my uncle retells his stories and even adds more nonsense to the damn stories and i still love hearing them.
tho the only criticism i have is to post more often! you have a gift of storytelling so write more!
S.A. you’re such a pseudo intellectual douch bg. That’s the (capital R) “Reality” of it. And this isn’t a diary entry. It never happened. Pilfering little attention whores laugh at you for deriving ANY truth from their lies. Nevertheless I think what you’re getting is ENVY; however, again, I want to emphasize the new “snap out of the somnambulism” movement that’s concerned with growing culture of fake, spoiled, know it all demonic ninnies like you Steven, no doubt perpetuated into a zombie state by media like this. In other words: That is just my way of saying that, WHILE THERE’S NO HOPE FOR YOU, there’s not a whole lot of which I could be “jealous” either, Steven. Ooops, I meant ENVIOUSSSS, but you’d know that since you’re such a gift, such a “writer” -at least in your own mind. So if one solitary pre-teen reads this and concludes that. I WIN. And, just an FYI, it is DEFINITELY not cool to talk about Target like it is cool. Don’t be a victim. This girl’s a corporate Nabisco tweak, she’s trying to get paid. It’s not about helping people or giving good advice. That’s what PhD programs are for…
Dear Sock Puppet: I’m so impressed that you’ve decided to dedicate your busy, busy life to saving civilization (and its pre-teens) from the fascist horrors of a blog called “boycrazy”. I’m quite sure you openly harass the Stormfront site with the same fearless dedication.
For all the children whose lives you’ve touched with jealousy-fueled incoherence and pseudonymous bravery: thank you.
And thank you Steven for all you cliché ridden lines and envy-driven knavery! Man, you’re creepy… And that whole “sockpuppet” thing is SOO fascist! It is now a crime to hurt someone’s feelings -in New York, we call that shit Monday. Pseudonymical, anonymous speech is the freest of all speech -non-wannabe writers understand this, Steven. C’mon son. Nevertheless, I’m sure for every comment you point to as as “negative,” there are ten more sockpuppeted chipper posts “agreeing” with everything. That aside, there’s a comment box here, it’s an alternative point of view; I’m sure the blogger knows it’s a legitimate one… so I don’t see what the problem is.
WHAT! no way. you should marry this dude.
“…so I don’t see what the problem is.”
Delusional babblers never do.
steven, i was just browsing through these comments… not really intending to comment… but why in the world are you even commenting on this. why are you really here (visiting this site). your overly pompous comments say everything about you, and so very little about this post or its comments.
brn, I like this blog. I’ve been commenting on it, off and on, for several years. Whatever the problems that you and your co-sock puppet(s) have, I’m not here randomly attacking people… but the blog-owner is under constant personal attack, and I don’t think she deserves it. As for this bullshit:
“steven, i was just browsing through these comments… not really intending to comment…”
Except you did, right?
Laugh.
Alexi: This post is certainly better than the original entry, and your story-telling abilities have improved. I’m glad you went back and edited, that’s the best way to get better at writing. You left out some of the thrown in descriptions from the first, which instead of setting the scene seemed to detract from the story-line. I’m sure if you re-entered this version to whatever wrtiting contest you read it at the first time you would have placed.
Like seriussly: WTF. 1. I can only understand like 50% of your posts and I agree with Steven, either constructively criticize or find new blogs to bitch about.
Steven Augustine: You seem so pretentious. Im sorry bro, but I don’t know if you try to practice writing techniques in blog comments or whatever, but it always seems like you have a thesaurus open while you’re commenting, because you use way too many hackneyed descriptors the WRONG WAY! They’re often thrown in and viewed by myself at least as an effort to project a level of intelligence that just isn’t actually there. Now that I’ve covered the technical aspects of what bothers me about your posts, is the subjective parts. You cant pretend to be some personal rights-champion protecting the attacked blogger, and proceed to harass others, well actually you can, just dont keep portraying yourself as some sort of internet hero.
Whatever, Socks.
Merry Xmas!
objectiveopinions, amen!
as for the post, I liked it!
All of the inner dialogue and emotional stress in this story, is terribly familiar. Also, AMEN @ “GNARLIEST SEXUAL” experience!
okay…
has no one in american heard of sex-tampons??? they are fucking useful…
But Alexi you still never told us, did you lose your $200 deposit at the seedy hotel?