BLOG » reader submission (from a dude): my FIRST match.com date

I’ve decided to jump back into the world of online dating. I joined Match.com in hopes of finding the perfect: fun loving, adventurous, down to earth, easy going, outgoing, passionate about music, loves to go out but also enjoys staying in, sassy and smart, new-to-this-whole-online-dating-thing-and-still-thinks-it-weird-but-thought-she’d-give-it-a-try girl. I chose Match.com over some of the free alternatives like Plenty of Fish because I appreciate the commitment it takes to give out your credit card information and spend 25 bucks a month to find love.

Before I get into my first Match date, I’d like to say one more thing regarding the profiles. I’ve already ranted about these in my 10 Things I Hate About Online Dating blog, but there’s a new epidemic that needs to be addressed. To quickly add one more to the list . . .

11.  The Dog Pictures

Not the ones of you and your dog, the pictures of JUST your dog. You know who would enjoy seeing photos of the cute terrier spaniel mix you “rescued”? Other fucking chicks. Not dudes.

Despite a seemingly pessimistic attitude, I still get excited over the prospect of finding my “soulmate”.  And so it began.

She was a blue-eyed beauty named Kelly0584. She messaged me first, saying how much she enjoyed the documentary King of Kong (it’s in my profile). She had a pale complexion, contrasted with dark brown hair. I thought she looked like Zooey Deschanel, who is easily the most underrated hot celebrity. She was also an aspiring writer who has her own blog. I was in love. Unable to control my excitement, I emailed her picture to my friend Dustin, telling him about the date we were soon to go on. I chose a particular shot in which she especially resembled Zooey, boasting about how I’d found the next best thing. “She’s either hot or she’s not hot” he ambiguously replied. I stared blankly at his words on my computer screen for a minute or so, trying to decipher what he meant by this. Surely there was something in between hot and not she could be, like “cute”.

We agreed to meet at Bosa Nova, the only restaurant in Hollywood I’m familiar with, even after living there for two years. I pulled up at 7:20, ten minutes before our arranged meeting time, and received a text from my future girlfriend saying, ”Work is crazy ugh! running a little late, can we push it back to 7:45?”. I told her it was no problem and turned the ignition back on so I could listen to the radio. At 7:40, I checked my reflection in the rear view mirror one last time before stepping out and walking down to the restaurant. The hostess who greeted me said there was no wait for a party of two, so I told her I was expecting my date to arrive any minute. She suggested I sit outside. It was a beautiful night.

At 7:50 I received another text. “Moving just as fast as I can! traffic is ridiculous, be there in 15″. Reading this, I felt a wave of relief. For ten minutes I could relax and not worry about doing my best James Dean impression while posing on the wooden benches out front. I slumped into a more comfortable sitting position and stopped checking out every dark-haired girl walking by to see if it was her. I looked through the emails on my phone and actually read them instead of just making my cool reading face. Finally, when ten minutes passed, I went back to James Dean mode. Unsure of which direction she might be coming from, and not wanting to look like a spaz jerking his head left to right every two seconds, I popped the collar of my Euro jacket and stared into the distance, furrowing my eyebrows as if deep and meaningful thoughts filled my head. At 8:10, another text: ”So sorry, almost there, 10 more minutes”. I started to grow impatient and care less about my looks.

At 8:20, fifty minutes late and fifty pounds overweight, she arrived. She had a huge, wide, fat head that seemed almost cartoonish. I figured she was an ex-body builder and the gigantism was a side effect of the steroids. She was sloppy, and frumpy, and out of breath from the fifteen feet she had to walk from the valet service. Instead of imagining the song we’d first dance to at our wedding, I now wondered whether she’d be worth calling at 2 a.m. after twelve beers. Deciding that my drunk dialing list could always use another name, I sat down to find out what was in that God-awful large head of hers. Despite being completely turned off by this girl the instant we met face to giant fat face, I still sought her approval. I wanted her to walk away thinking I’m a catch.

They placed us beneath a hot white light that beamed down on the shiny surface of our bright orange wooden table. To the left of us sat an older couple just three feet away, separated by a giant metal heater that raged on with the fires of Mordor. Even though I’d written off this date, I still wanted to maintain my mystique, so I kept my Euro jacket on despite the aurora borealis looming over our heads. I wiped beads of sweat from my forehead and flipped to the back of the menu for the beer selections.

“Can I get you guys something to drink?” our server asked with a midwest accent. Fat Zooey jumped at this, sparking up a conversation about her home town of Alabama, or somewhere around there. They gabbed like old friends, making me feel as if I should offer up my seat to the waitress and see if she was fixin for a nice glass of sweet tea. I sat back watching the two talk and wondered how I could’ve been so deceived by this girl’s pictures. We all try to pick the most flattering images we can find to represent ourselves. I had a lot of shots where I’m doing that 3/4 head turn to conceal my double chin. I also had a few shots taken indoors with the flash, which seems to wash out everything and hide a lot of the unflattering details the spot light above me was sure to pick up. Still though, she was fat. That’s just a flat-out lie. I merely manipulated the truth. The equivalent to this would be for me to post a bunch of photos where I have a beanie or a hat on, then show up with a hairline resembling Fraser Crane’s. She even had a couple full body shots in her pictures, including one with her and all her friends, giving what I thought to be an accurate sense of scale. To make matters worse, in all of her emails she always managed to find a way to slip in the fact that she was about to go to the gym, or just got back from the gym, or “Really sore from this cardio class that totally kicked my ass!” Which seems counterintuitive, like getting a 900 on your SAT’s and defending your low score by explaining that you studied your ass off for months before taking the test.

Our server returned with a large sangria for Fat Zooey and a Corona for me. We sipped our drinks and looked through the menu. “She’s nice.” I said, referring to her new BFF. ” I don’t know how you do that. . . just spark up a conversation with a stranger . . . I’m not very sociable, I usually find it to be a waste of time . . . I mean, you’re never gonna see these people again, so why bother getting to know them?” I asked rhetorically, shrugging my shoulders and taking a swig of my beer. She nodded politely and finished her Sangria in three massive gulps. When a bus boy came by she ordered another one. We still hadn’t received the complimentary basket of bread.

“So, do you know what you’re gonna get?” I asked, trying to cool things down and find a neutral topic. We then discussed the menu – what we wanted, what looked good, what we’ve tried before. Then, I started up again. I told her I lived in Hollywood for two years and this was the only sit-down restaurant I knew of because I usually just eat fast food. She reached for her straw as I continued. “I hate cooking or preparing food, all the meals I eat at home are the pre-packaged stuff you buy in the freezer section of the grocery store. You know, like chicken nuggets or fish sticks. Sometimes I’ll buy a bag of tortilla chips and shredded cheese, but I’ll be too lazy to put the two in the microwave and make nachos, so I’ll just sprinkle some cheese on a chip and eat it like that, usually over the kitchen sink so I don’t make a mess. Actually, I eat most of my meals over the kitchen sink, that way I don’t have to do dishes.” I smiled uncomfortably at her blank reaction and looked back down at my menu. She asked a server walking by (not ours) for another large sangria, her third.

After we ordered she excused herself to go to the restroom. When she was no longer in sight, I grabbed my napkin and wiped down my sweaty greasy face. My jacket was itchy and uncomfortable and the collar chaffed my neck. I desperately wanted to remove it, but I knew if I did that now she’d know I lied when I said I wasn’t hot. After sweating it out for another minute, I finally took the stupid thing off. I doubted she was smart enough to realize I lied anyways.

When she sat back down, I brought up something she mentioned in her latest blog. “So. . . your sister just had a kid?” I inquired. This turned out to be a success as she talked in circles about it for a good five minutes. She gave the same redundant speech every single girl my age gives – ” I want kids, but not now, some day, not today, but I LOVE kids.” I told her that I worked daycare with Parks and Recreation for four years. “I loved the job, except for the kids… I hated the kids” I explained. She turned quiet until the sound of her slurping sangria broke the silence. “Well, I didn’t hate ALL of them… just most of them… When you think about it, kids are just smaller dumber obnoxious versions of adults.” I reasoned, remembering all the brats I got paid minimum wage to babysit. She grew nervous and kept a watchful eye on my hands, as if they had been strangling sweet innocent children earlier. I found this judgment to be a little unfair because when she thinks kids, she’s thinking about the cute four-year-old that calls her Aunty Kelly and asks her to play tea party. When I think kids, I’m thinking about the little cry-baby throwing a tantrum every time he gets out in dodgeball. Just in time to break the awkward silence, our food arrived. Fat Zooey (curious what her nickname for me at this point might have been) ordered her fourth sangria. I knew this to be the exact number because she was too fast for the bus boys and had accumulated a line of three large, purple stained, empty glasses.

We stopped talking and ate. I anxiously awaited the server to come by after my first bite and ask me “How is everything?” because they always do that shit and I can’t really enjoy my meal until it’s out of the way. Knowing you could be interrogated by a stranger at any moment when you have a mouthful of spaghetti doesn’t make for a pleasant dining experience. “How ya’ll doin? everything alright?” Our southern bell asked us with a much thicker accent now, possibly to get a bigger tip. I gave a thumbs up and a smile, my polite way of shooing her away.

After barely finishing half of my food, too full from adrenaline and angst, I pushed my plate away in an act of submission and sipped my water. Fat Zooey took another bite of her chicken and washed it down with the remains of her fourth sangria. Our server walked by and she lifted a hand, then lazily pointed to the empty glass, now ordering through sign language. A fifth sangria quickly found its way next to the bottomless drinking machine. For a second, I thought about ordering a large beer and playing catch up. Maybe if we both got drunk this might turn out okay. I discretely glanced at my cell phone to find it was already past nine. I still had a half an hour drive back to my apartment and this girl wasn’t worth the DUI. We reverted to small talk again, as if we skipped over the first five minutes of the date and needed to make up for them. “Nice night out.” I commented. “Yeah . . it’s nice” she complied. “Did you park far from here” she asked. “No . . . not to far” I replied.

Once our plates were cleared, I found myself alone at the table as she retreated again to the ladies room. This time I got on my phone. I scrolled through my emails and felt a sting when I saw the ones sent from her. What used to be my most cherished notes, notes that would make my heart skip a beat with anticipation before opening to read, were now junk mail. Emails from Netflix letting me know what DVD’s were coming Thursday bared more relevance. My life returned to the mundane routine of work and television. I wanted to hurry this thing up so I could squeeze in a few more episodes of Party Down Season 2.

“Ya’ll save room for desert?” Our server asked when my date returned. I smiled and shook my head no, looking across the table to see if we were in agreement. “Okay, how about another round” she asked, eyeing the line of drinks. Drunk Zooey shook her head in bewilderment, “Nope, I think we’re good” she said casually, as if this were a ridiculous question. The waitress came back shortly and placed a black folder next to me. I picked it up and watched Drunk Zooey look around the patio, avoiding eye contact. I leaned over to pull out my wallet and grabbed the bill. She hesitantly reached for her purse and I blurted out before thinking over the consequences, “I got this.” She said nothing and put her purse back down. I don’t know why I said this, we were two adults that failed to make a connection, the reasonable thing would be to split the loss and go our separate ways. Instead, I signed my name under the $87 tab and started to identify with those girls that complain about feeling cheap and used after putting out the first date. I knew I’d never see this girl again, and more importantly, she knew she’d never see me again, yet she sat in silence and watched me pay for her five God damn sangrias.

Driving home, I thought about my old dating motto of, “You don’t shoot you don’t score” and began altering it to fit my current opinion. “You don’t shoot you don’t miss . . . You don’t shoot you don’t humiliate yourself . . . You don’t shoot you don’t waste 87 fucking dollars on a chick you didn’t really want to score with anyways.” I thought about all the DVD’s I could’ve rented, or Chipotle burritos I could’ve eaten, or 12-packs of Coronas I could’ve drank with that money. I’ve always hated the term “puppy love”. The older I get, the more jaded and pragmatic I become. I feel like love is at it’s purest at 16 and slowly gets diluted with age. The search for “The One” has slowly been replaced with the search for “A cool chick I like hanging out with who doesn’t photoshop her fatass pics and mooch sangrias off me without even thanking me.” From now on, I’m taking all these online floozies to lame ass Starbucks. Zooey Deschanel is no longer my favorite under-the-radar actress.

 


50 Responses to “reader submission (from a dude): my FIRST match.com date”

  1. This is amazing. What is the name of his blog?!


  2. This guy is kind of an asshole. Who would want to date HIM, anyhow? If he’s cute at all, it will fade fast. What makes this negative ASShole such a catch, Jesus? He’s a twerp, Alexi…Don’t publish him anymore. PLEASE. Thx!


  3. Totally agree with fm. This dude is a complete jackass, looking for a magical nymph to fill the preconceived hole he’s already determined for her.

    Try treating humans as actual people, and maybe he’d have better luck with that dating thing.


  4. I think Mr. Fast Food Consuming Over His Sink, Double Chin Hiding, Sweaty Euro Jacket Wearing, Kid Hating Dude might have to manage his expectations a bit about the “chicks” he can attract. Fat Zooey might be right at his level.


  5. @4 right on. also, hahahahha eats over his sink, hahahahahaa.


  6. I believe “fm”, “cmc”, and Kim are just spiteful spinsters. The man just gave an explanation of his story and you tear into him. He had an opinion. Just beacuse you 3 have been the the girl in the story does not mean you have to attack him.


  7. Errrr, what?! If this was a girl and *exactly* the same thing happened from her perspective none of you would be saying this rubbish about him being all negative. In fact you’d most likely be on “her” side.
    He’s giving his honest version of how the date went. She manipulated her online dating profile to a unacceptable degree and then pushed him into a position where he felt obliged to pay to feed her and get her drunk. She took the piss, big time.


  8. they both sound like jags to me.


  9. In fat Zooey’s defense, he shut her down the moment he laid eyes on her. She was obviously friendly, but he was totally unreceptive to this, and even created a near hostile environment because of her appearance. No wonder she felt the need to get wasted…And how is he mad over spending the money when it’s his own fault? LOL what a winner. He’s having to pay $25/month to find a gf, and still not succeeding…not shocking at all.

    also…”I doubted she was smart enough to realize I lied anyways”. He then went on to use the wrong form of to/too.


  10. This is so ridiculous. If the girl arrived fifty minutes late and was smoking hot, he would have gotten over it pretty quickly, I bet. Instead he uses the tardiness (which I’m sure was annoying, but accidental) as justification for instantly disregarding her due to her weight. I’m sure it was a shock to find that she weighed more, but come on, this is the internet. Not to mention how hypocritical his judgement of her is, seeing as he admits to manipulating angles to hide his double chin, and mentions eating fast food and (usually high calorie) microwaved meals more often than not.

    It’s likely this was not going to be a love connection, because you can’t win ’em all. But maybe if he hadn’t been so antagonistic and abrupt (making her feel like a weirdo for being friendly to a waitress? talking about how anti social he is?) he could have atleast tried to enjoyed himself for a few hours, even if they would never see eachother again. If I went on a date with a guy like this, I would be tempted to drink five alcoholic beverages as well.

    I’m not saying physical attraction isn’t important and that I’m not superficial. Everyone thinks looks matter. I think they matter a lot. But a few extra pounds doesn’t justify his talking about her like this, and acting like he’d rather be anywhere else while they were on a date. Rude.


  11. It seems like these two deserve each other, but that’s not the point here.
    What this dude’s saying is I can spend $25/mo to drink sangria on some dingus that feigns antisocial’s tab after a handful of emails?
    Count me in, dudes.


  12. they both sound stupid. the guy obviously is a dick. i understand not being attracted to someone, but deliberately making the date a fucking disaster by disagreeing with everything she likes is just stupid. and she is an idiot for ordering so many drinks and not even offering to pay or saying thank you. that’s just rude.


  13. This is an exact picture of what online dating (match/eharmony, not the hookup sites) is like. The first few e-mails make certain promises to you and you naturally develop your idea of what the guy is like, and after a few of those disappointments you just get discouraged. Sometimes you’re optimistic and thing “with every date I’m getting closer, I’m honing in on what I want” and sometimes you’re like, “holy shit, a free meal is not worth wading through this never ending trench of douche nozzles.” You have the option of wasting all of your money and time and good first date ideas on people you’ll never see again, OR make it a policy to have short, cheap dates to weed through more efficiently (in which case you probably won’t be on your A-game when your soulmate comes along anyway).

    P.S. Party Down was amazing.


  14. THIS WAS A GREAT READ!!

    I LIKE THE WRITER. HE WAS FUNNY, INSULTING, AND SELF-DEPRICATING AT THE SAME TIME.

    ABOUT THE DATE:

    DUDE BRO. IF YOU WERE BUMMED ITS YOUR OWN FAULT. YOU LIKE CORONA

    ALSO WHO WOULDN’T LIKE A CURVY DESCHANEL?
    MORE CUSHION FOR THE PUSHINNNNNN!!


  15. hahaha aww online dating sux, that’s why you have to do your internet stalking BEFORE the first date, my dude. Also- someone should suggest you a better beer. Try Modelo, perhaps?


  16. This was a great inside story to how this date went. I felt like I was the third party inside his head. Wouldn’t it be great to read her interpretation of how this date went? She probably felt lied to the moment she saw that double chin of his as well.

    Although, if I were in this situation and knew I wasn’t the least bit interested on a second date, I would still make it worth my time and try to converse and have a decent time. Enough of this awkwardness!


  17. On-line dating is for losers who don’t have friends to set them up on blind dates.


  18. This guy is a wanker. Fair enough, maybe Kelly wasn’t right for him and didn’t meet his aesthetic requirements, but he sounds like a complete pessimist. I would have downed 5 sangrias too if I had to sit across from some sweaty tight-arse who craps on about shitty take-away food and acts like a petty child when his date spends time chatting to the waitress.

    Maybe I am wrong here, but I am just guessing she didn’t think he was particularly amazing.


  19. this was amazing.

    And I’m pretty sure 12/18 comments were from the chick he went on a date with.

    Post the blog he writes for so we can all read it!


  20. since when is zooey deschanel under appreciated? what kind of an ass hole isn’t kind to strangers? are his friends really so great that he doesn’t need anymore friends? why, if his friends are so great, is he on match.com? If match.com is superior to plentyoffish.com because of the 25$ price tag, according to this guy, because its about cute serious awkward people taking a chance (but for 25$) and feeling awkward about it, and meeting zooey deschanel type humans at tacky nice-ish mexican restaurants, but god forbid paying if the chick is larger than expected?

    nachos over the kitchen counter?

    ALEXI, somehow I think your blog’s male guest posters should be up to the par of your heavily proclaimed standards:

    DO YOU THINK THIS GUY OWNS A NICE CAR?
    do you think he has good taste in shoes?
    does he have a sense of humor?

    AND FINALLY, I have one to add to the list:
    Does he find himself below the task of chatting with a lady bartender due to his high degree unsociability?

    DEAL BREAKER.


  21. Looks like some of your readers done got woke. Too bad for you.


  22. I’m sorry, but more often than not, that is what internet dating does. Sets up expectations of a fantasy girl, and then destroys them. Over and over, completely shattering all faith in humanity, until finally, something snaps and either works out or they decide to use traditional roots.
    Don’t be rude to him just because he has decided to write to show the real truth of some online dating. Sure, the girl may have thought the same thing, but seriously guys. He doesn’t need to be lambasted for pointing out a problem with dating in the 21st century.


  23. I didn’t want this to end!


  24. Okay, the dude is obviously kind of a dick, but he knows it. I feel like a lot of people misinterpreted the tone of the story, including some of the sarcasm (about match being superior because of the money for example)
    I don’t think anyone thinks this guy is a huge catch or anything, but I can tell you he probably didn’t grossly misrepresent himself in his pictures. If you’re a girl that’s insecure about your body, you should just avoid the EPITOME of environments based almost entirely on personal appearance (ie online dating sites) instead of trying to make yourself look like something you’re not. When has that EVER worked for anyone? “Ohh I hope this guy/girl looks drastically different than what I’ve seen in pictures, I love being surprised with a type of person I’m probably not interested in!” Just present yourself for who you are and hope that someone either wants your fat ass, or doesn’t care, but at least be true to who you are. No one can knock you for that.
    Also fuck her for taking advantage of a polite gesture, but he’s an idiot for not growing a pair and telling her to pay for her own shit (instead of acting chivalrous and then complaining about it later, just don’t do it at all)
    Both sides of this coin are stupid for different reasons.


  25. I kind of wanted to try online dating, but not after this. Its bad enough to be self conscious about yourself, but to have someone judge you so quickly on your appearance because you looked slimmer online, scary.


  26. FIVE SANGRIAS?! Jesus.

    I enjoyed reading this post though. You’re entitled to your opinion and while it may seem cruel we’re all assholes at some point in time or another, right?


  27. I’m not surprised she wasn’t into him, he admits to slagging off pretty much everything she does/says?


  28. Ha! I can’t believe you posted this one! Thanks Alexi

    alright. .

    Elise and KR- My blog is http://www.ourthursday.com check it out, like us on facebook, we have a couple girl writers too. . . and a podcast on itunes.

    Kim #1 – I like that you made fun of me for all the stuff I already made fun of myself for.

    Kim2 and Kat – I didn’t disregard her because of her weight or try to create a “hostile” environment, I just took out the filter that usually keeps me from saying what I’m really thinking. To be honest, she told me she was a “comedian” I thought she might appreciate my perspective on things. . .not so much.

    Trevor – Dude, I love curvy women – but not all of them put on the weight well. I like big hips and thighs and ass, but she had a sangria gut peeking out the bottom of her shirt.

    Valerie – Next time I go to a bar I’ll order a Modelo. Thanks.


  29. I will say that this motherfucker stayed in my apartment in germany late 2010 and he is totally fine. You can feel how jaded the whole exercise seems even though you still have to have hope for love, no matter where you’re searching for it. I’m lucky I fell in love with a German girl in Greece and moved here for her, lost her and got happily stuck in a college town in the middle of Europe.

    Brian, it’s clear you gotta come back and do it European style where you are drunk in public at 4am with lots of other people in their 20s from various countries and languages and take your chances there. Good times!


  30. @jason: if you’re in Berlin, you’ve probably noticed how mind-erasingly beautiful the girls/ women are over here; super-models working in the cafes and riding on public transport (and reading real books while doing it). Black, white, pink, brown, golden-brown, olive… every possible type and accent. And the restaurants are cheap; Brian could’ve had a much better experience for about 50 bucks! Laugh. LA is overpriced, over-hyped and under-sexed.


  31. Ourthursday.com


  32. She may have been a nice girl, but being attracted to someone is so important. You don’t want to regret getting into a relationship or whatever. She should have paid for her meal. Both parties obviously did NOT dig each other. No jerks here. Super fun read though. I bet the real Zooey Deschanel is a divine person. After all, she’s “adorkable”.


  33. this guy’s a jerk. he doesnt know what he missed out on. who knows, maybe he didnt impress the girl either.


  34. Brian: I wasn’t duplicate mocking you. I was complimenting you on all the various ways you were able to show us how repulsive you are!


  35. I’m a girl and I related to almost every word of this post! (I guess except for the paying thing – in that respect, I feel similarly when I offer to split and the disappointmenting/lying-on-his-profile guy takes me up on it.) I HATE wasting my time and online dating seems to be that more than most activities I’ve done. Learned the hard way that dinner is usually best avoided on the first date or you can get stuck. Again, loved this, laughed through the whole thing.


  36. sorry, typo! *disappointing


  37. This was kind of awesome only because it takes a fucking soldier to admit they had to resort to match.com to find a date (no judgement). Unfortunately, I have to say that this Brian dude needs to grab his balls and ask his overweight zooeys to split the goddamn checks. I mean, really? You obviously are missing the sensitivity chip that would prohibit you from insulting small, sensitive children but yet you don’t have the juice to suggest she fork over some cash (especially since you seem especially butt hurt about spending the ungodly 87 dollars to be a fucking respectable man). No wonder you have to find your ladies online… No self-appreciating woman would put up with this shit.


  38. If you see a cow walking down the street in your direction and you suspect that she may be your date, you do not stand there and complacently accept the fact that you will eventually pay to sit and listen to her be fat. You run in the opposite direction. Also, maybe you haven’t found your B-list movie star girlfriend yet because you aren’t physically deserving of one. Succinctly, maybe your standards are set too high because you can’t be honest with yourself about your own looks. Regardless, run away from the fat ones; we can’t have them procreating. Thanks on behalf of the world and you’re welcome for the advice.


  39. Nice read. While I agree that you come off as an ass for writing off the date as soon as she arrived, I completely understand the reason. Although it did seem to be a very awkward date I think that’s more on you that it is on her. The thing about the 87$ sucks. But your whole night seems to be another reason why you should approach online dating with great caution.


  40. First of all, I don’t care how you look, if you’re almost an hour late for a date, or for any kind of appointment for that matter, you are automatically telling the person that is waiting on you that their time isn’t important to you. NOT a good way to make a first impression.

    Secondly, the awkward situation is entirely the girl’s fault. Maybe Brian got his hopes a little too high, but he did so based on the lies and half-truths the girl told. Yes, posting pictures that are not a true representation of your current self is equivalent to lying.

    I’ve been on a few dating websites myself, and I applaud big girls that know they’re big, and don’t try to hide it. They usually have a disclaimer in their profile that say something to the effect of, “If you don’t like curvy girls, then you won’t like me!” Brian made no mention of any type of this disclaimer on this girl’s profile. That puts the onus of awkwardness squarely on her shoulders, and no one else’s.

    Finally, he has every right to be upset that he paid for the bill. Here is the problem, not just with this date, but with dating in general. Sarah (#37)’s comment “especially since you seem especially butt hurt about spending the ungodly 87 dollars to be a fucking respectable man.” is an all too common attitude regarding women’s perspectives on dating- We are in the 21st century. Women have made great strides in equality. They desire to be treated fairly along with men. So why does Brian paying for a date a requirement to make him a “fucking respectable man”? I call bullshit on this attitude. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

    She was late, and a liar – she should’ve had the decency to at least pay for her half of the meal. When Brian saw her reaching for her purse, he should’ve said, “oh great, I’m glad we’re going dutch” or something to that effect. The fact that he DID pay for the awful date show’s what a decent guy Brian really is.

    Kudos to Brian for sharing his experience so that we can all benefit from it.


  41. Sweaty James Dean can’t have made a good impression either. I’m pretty sure I would have gulped down 5 drinks instead of listening to someone rant about how they aren’t very sociable and “find it to be a waste of time” ……

    Why did you doubt her intelligence anyway? Hadn’t you already corresponded with her for a long time? Did she seem stupid then, yet her Zooey-esque looks were enough to place her in the future wife category?

    ALSO, you’re apparently searching for your “fun loving, adventurous, down to earth, easy going, outgoing, passionate about music, loves to go out but also enjoys staying in, sassy and smart, new-to-this-whole-online-dating-thing-and-still-thinks-it-weird-but-thought-she’d-give-it-a-try girl” while still listing pretty much all of those traits (or something like it) in “10 Things I Hate About Online Dating”. Seems like you don’t know what you’re looking for really. But then again maybe none of us do. Better luck next time.


  42. ***We are in the 21st century. Women have made great strides in equality. They desire to be treated fairly along with men. So why does Brian paying for a date a requirement to make him a “fucking respectable man”? I call bullshit on this attitude. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.***

    So fucking true. But we’re not quite there yet. And what can we expect when popular culture so often promotes the ridiculous notion that strippers are “empowered”?


  43. “Looks like some of your readers done got woke. Too bad for you.”
    aha yuuupp

    this post was adequately entertaining! good work brian


  44. I think it is sad this guy drinks Corona. She pretends to be less fat; he pretends to be someone with the taste to judge.


  45. entertaining post although i agree with a lot of the comments.
    he could have at least tried to enjoy the date and have a laugh with the girl even if he didn’t find her attractive! maybe if he was more “easy going” she might have offered to pay!

    “I think it is sad this guy drinks Corona. She pretends to be less fat; he pretends to be someone with the taste to judge.”

    ^ hahaha i love this comment


  46. … and he wonders why he is alone…


  47. I dont agree with calling Brain a Asshole at all. I’m a big girl and I’ve been judge before for my size but I always make it a point to make sure the guy knows my size before we go on a date. Brain has the right to be a asshole because not only was he lied to from the start the girl didnt even have the respect for his time to show up on time. Everyone has the right to their opinion. Dont call him a asshole for not liking big girls, its the same way as some girls only liking tall guys or muscular guys. Yes some of his comments werent the best things to say but once again he has the right to be pissed off. He’s no where near perfect but you know what at least he was honest!!


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