BLOG » alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life (feel free to use my list!):

Once again, i’m single… and that’s fine. six months ago i was so content and happy being single. i was having sex like a dude, completely career driven with no ties to my heart and so emotionally unavailable no one was able to get under my skin… because i didn’t care about them to begin with. i had absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship, and that’s when one found me. which is exactly where i think a person should be emotionally before they get into a relationship. um, not the having sex like a dude and being essentially numb part, just the overall state of being content and happy in your singledom. because, ideally, you should be with someone because it’s undeniable and you don’t want to miss out on them because they’re too amazing and you feel so good when you’re with them, and you’re in love! NOT because you need a warm body next to you who could be ANYONE, just because you’re too scared to be alone and think you’re a failure if you’re not coupled up. do people really feel that way? even now? that’s so weird to me.

but now that’s all over and i’m looking forward to getting back to the ‘i’m so secure and happy being single’ state. in a way, even though i broke up with my last dude, i wasn’t ready to be out of my relationship. i actually really LIKED being in a monogamous, healthy relationship! i did! it was great! and the reason it had to end snuck up on me. although it was something that needed to happen, and was inevitable… it all happened so quickly and wasn’t what i had planned on. i had AT LEAST four more months in me to give. ; )

whenever i give my heart to someone and get into a relationship with them, i’m taking myself off the market and giving myself to them because i love them and have the intention that we could be together forever. you have to think that! you should be that crazy about them that that’s your intention. why go in knowing you’re gonna be looking for an out at some point down the road? that’s what flings, dating, and one night stands are for. duh.

i mean, yeah, i’m a realist as much as i am a romantic; i know that sometimes (most of the time?) we’re only meant to have relationships with people for a certain amount of time because they’re a stepping stone to the next life lesson/love/relationship/distraction. but i like to jump into a relationship a million percent. when i say ‘i love you’ (and i’m not talking about how loosely i use it on twitter), i mean it. shit, i hope i don’t start to get jaded or bitter when it comes to love. no, i won’t. i might not ever get married, but i’m going to fall in love as many times as i can/need to/find it, and do so with as much child like enthusiasm as usual. i mean, you can learn from experiences and not get bitter.

so now that this relationship is freshly over, and i’ve just been reminded of what works and does not work for me in a relationship, in an attempt to get acclimated at being a single, healthy, happy, productive, focused, balanced girl again- it’s important i get reaquainted with what it is i’m looking for the next time love finds me.

i’m not saying i want to rush into another relationship, as if that’s the goal of every single girl/that’s what defines success and happiness for a woman. not at all. i could be single for the rest of my life and never get married or have kids or anything and that would be fine. although i do feel that relationships are just as important as being single/comfortable being alone. relationships are where you do the most work on yourself. they are a tool to learn about yourself, using the other person as a mirror you’re reflected in; you have to explain yourself and be held accountable for you moods, actions, words, behavior, feelings. your childhood demons/history/scars come up and all the other emotional dark stuff you can’t see when you’re single.

right now, i’m in a state of reflection and attempting to get some clarity on what just happened and what i need when it comes to having a lover/partner/boyfriend, whatever.

i mean, to be real, at THIS point i just want to MEET someone i’m excited enough about to have sex with. someone who’s single and respectful and cute and interesting… and then, beyond that, i’m good with just getting back to that place where i’m completely satisfied being single and totally/exclusively in love with myself.

presently, i’m not excited about anyone. i’ve just survived a break up, a birthday, valentine’s day, etc.

so here i am: in desperate need of writing a letter to myself to remind me not to settle for less than what i want/need/deserve.

feel free to borrow my list.

alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life:

-we make each other’s lives better.

-he respects, loves, supports, and is excited about what i do for work. and vice versa.

-he makes me laugh and i make him laugh.  (so much, like crazy!)

-i am so attracted to him. he’s so attracted to me.

-we have great sex! epic sex!

-he has a wonderful, big private that satisfies me.

-he’s successful and loves his career.

-he’s my best friend. i’m his best friend.

-i can talk to him about anything. he can talk to me about anything. (without either of us getting weird/uncomfortable/or offended)

-we are so passionate about each other.

-we get each others sense of humor. we love each others sense of humor.

-he’s taller than me.

-he has great style. when we walk into a room, we look great together.

-i love his body. he loves my body.

-we can do anything together and it’s fun and easy: long walks, traveling, hiking, being quiet together, making stuff, etc.

-he isn’t threatened by my having a blog where i talk about love, sex, my feelings, and experiences. he thinks it’s great and loves it/it gives him insight into the inner-workings of my brain, and we can talk about it. he thinks i’m a badass.

-i feel safe with him. he feels safe with me.

-we’re creative together.

-he’s true to his word. i can count on him doing what he says he’ll do. i can count on him if i need help.

-he makes more money than me.

-he has no roommates, dogs, or kids.

-he drives a nice car.

-he’s single.

-he treats me like a princess.

-he loves his mom.

-i trust him. he’s trustworthy and faithful. he trusts me.

-i believe in him. he believes in me.

-he’s proud of me. i’m proud of him.

-we inspire each other.

-we have so much fun together.

-i’m not shy around him. i can be my true self around him.

-he barely drinks or doesn’t drink, is a non smoker, and is drug free.

-neither one of us has any desire to cheat.

-he loves me so much! he’s crazy about me and i’m crazy about him.

-we make stuff together.

-we genuinely like each others family and friends. it’s fun and warm and easy.

-he’s super sexy and has that ‘bad boy’ cool factor that i need in a guy.

-he’s really confident, but not to the point of being an unlikable, arrogant, ego maniacal prick.

-he’s a master at what he does.

-he’s smart, talented, and well-traveled. we learn from each other.

-he respects women. he’s not a misogynist.

-our relationship is fun and easy and passionate all at once.

-it’s not a battle of egos.

-we are so happy together, and communicate really well.

-he’s completely emotionally and physically available to me.

-he’s really healthy. but not to the point of being annoying and rigid.

-he has lots of energy, a great sex drive, and lots of stamina.

-he’s in a good mood more so than not.

-he doesn’t take his problems out on me. we talk about them, but he doesn’t unfairly lash out.

-he loves coffee.

-he’s romantic.

-he’s a gentleman.

-he’s ok with me potentially never wanting to get married.

-he’s ok with me potentially wanting to get married.

-he would make a good father… if i decide i ever want to have kids (i do, i think. just one… a LONG time from now)

-he wants marriage and kids.

-he lives in la.

-he’s not an angry guy.

-he’s very confident in who he is, what he wants, and how to go about getting it.

-he’s responsible: with his actions, his choices, my feelings, other people’s feelings, etc. he doesn’t play mind games.

-he’s good with money, but not cheap.

-he makes me so happy. i make him so happy.

-he isn’t a moody, passive aggressive, a control freak, or a man-child.

-he isn’t super religious. (spiritual and believing in god is fine)

-he has great taste.

-he has good morals. he has a strong moral compass. but this doesn’t mean he’s a nerdy, boring, dork who isn’t a badass/rock n roll.

-he isn’t the type of guy who needs to be mothered.

-the relationship isn’t difficult. it makes our lives better. it’s a blend of the kind of love you feel when you’re a teenager and your heart beats crazy fast and you draw hearts with your names in it on notebook paper, mixed with the responsibilities of adulthood. an epic balance of sex, love, passion, work, friendship & remembering who we are as individuals, but when we come together we’re even stronger and we make people who see us together believe in love!


93 Responses to “alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life (feel free to use my list!):”

  1. “Some people hated on Hhhitler, uh-huh, huh-uh, huh-uh… he just said PRIVATE school…”

  2. Dude, Oakwoody… Sasha Grey is like WAY younger than Alexi… by almost ten years. Plus her porn is better than this. Get your facts straight and stop with all the player hate, son.

  3. @another oakwood student: I’m beginning to think Oakwood should work on teaching reading comprehension–my post was in defense of Alexi. What gets taught in schools will always be a hot button topic. For instance, I’m not a parent but I’d certainly object to any school teaching my kid about creationism. Like the controversy with Sasha Grey, I can understand how certain closed-minded folk could be upset when “that girl who blogs about sex” comes and talks to their kids.

    That’s not to say I agree with that ire. The Dr. takes offense with Alexi speaking to kids. I don’t. What I was trying to say, is that kids will learn about sex at school anyway and it’s better to have guidance from someone that they can relate to. So correct me if I’m wrong but it appears to me that we agree.

  4. Harping on someone for their dialogue “Um, so yeahhhh, like, WORD” is like saying a stand-up comedian sucked because their shirt was ugly. It’s about the content. I’m sick of people thinking they’re smart because they noticed grammatical errors . . . or that the word “like” was used too often.

  5. meant to say dialect. Can dialogue work too?

  6. Not to brag but as I read through the checklist, I realized that my boyfriend meets almost every single one of those requirements. Except, he doesn’t love his job (but we’re only 23, we’ll get there), and he definitely wants kids one day in the faaar future. This post made me realize how ridiculously lucky I am, so thank you. The only thing that would make it better would be if I wasn’t 3,000 miles away from him going to grad school in London. Grrrr. Otherwise, perfect. I hope Alexi finds *her* perfect one day too!

  7. @Brian, I couldn’t agree more. Dr. was ignoring the content and barely scratching the surface of what was actually being said, as well as entering into her “research” with a premeditated idea of what ‘boycrazy radio’ listeners sounded and acted like. Her judgment was made before her phone call was.

    @Lacy, Why are you correcting me on the age difference between Sasha and Alexi? I never said they were the same age– I was simply baffled by how they could be judged so closely by those attacking their appearances at high schools. They are completely different. And what relevance does Sasha Grey’s better porn hold????

  8. The content is retarded. SHALLOW and retarded. And that’s the point, it’s not that it’s about sex, and your school is enabling you to be retarded by bringing this woman in there. She holds no credentials and she writes at about a third grade level. (See above…)

  9. Gross. The check list reads like a shitty episode of Sex in The City.

  10. Just want to point out that visiting a private high school once does not make you someone that is a visitor of schools. Thanks, Oakwood students for clarifying my suspicion that Alexi is stretching the truth. By all means rectify the inaccuracy of your claims by making more of an effort to visit adolescents at high schools. Though I seriously doubt you will get into a public high school.

  11. I was a high school student when I first started reading this blog several years ago. And I’d just really like to say that some of the best advice I ever received as a teenager was from Alexi’s posts. So much, that I wrote some of my favorites down, and still keep them around for whenever I feel like shit and need to be inspired.

    “Just know how special you are and how many options you have. Don’t take that for granted or be taken for granted….ever.”

    “Get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss ‘em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.”

    “you never have someone in the palm of your hand! So don’t take people for granted or let people take you for granted!”

    “words are JUST words and people fake smiles all the time! just like YOU think one thing and say another, so does everybody else. don’t believe/buy into everything at face value. If you believe all the GOOD stuff, you’ll have to believe all the BAD stuff. try to remain grounded, solid, and secure in your skin. and don’t give others the power to change your mood.”

    Love you Alexi and thanks for being around when I was a teenager! Would have killed to have someone like you come speak at my high school.

  12. These are WRITING CLICHÉS…. ^ EPIC FAIL (another writing cliché…) I know you are smart enough to recognize them!

  13. it baffles me what kind of reactions this blog provokes. like, whoa!
    alexi’s either a messias or the devil himself. i don’t agree with all of her articles & don’t think that this is top-notch journalism (does it claim to be, though?) but to say this blog and its writer are basically harmful dangers for teenagers and the human society is kind of over the top.
    ms wasser, you’re definitely polarizing, hats off!

  14. Not for nothing but all this talk about Alexi being a fantastic speaker just really makes you wonder why she HERSELF has yet to comment.

  15. Everyone on this board is being a little ridiculous and over dramatic. It’s her website, it’s her forum and obviously you are reading it for a reason and if you don’t like don’t read it. No need to keep the political over-analyzed attitudes up. Which all you are trying to do is impress each other or expound opinions (which that’s just it, opinions!) No one is right and no one is wrong here. She is writing what she wants and she is reaching an audience that enjoys reading what she is putting out. So, all this debating is honestly for nothing let her be who she is!

  16. @Lina




  17. @Lina



  18. I don’t care about being politically correct. 90% of the populous comes off as mildly mentally retarded. Look, the way it works -since you don’t get it- is that there’s a swath of youngish, thirty something of well connected entertainers in L.A. (and elsewhere) with basically no education -not even high school- or a bad education (like much of their audience) and no future outside of entertainment, so they come up with the dumbest shit to get your attention. YOU, for whatever reason, worship these trendy people, and as a consequence you make yourself more dense as a result. Most of them are laughing at you privately, and they think you’re stupid. They’re only interested in attention which can be equated with money. All this has a rippling effect on culture: One in my OPINION that we don’t need. She doesn’t respond because she knows it’s true. Fanning something, celebrity worship reality TV culture -it’s all fake, people need to get real.

  19. You lost me at “I don’t care about being politically correct.”

  20. That’s because you’re a mildly mentally retarded person.

  21. At least I’m not ignorant and bitter.

  22. I’m in a relationship with an incredible man which basically satisfies the entire list, except he doesn’t make more money than me. I think it’s wrong to believe, esp. in this economy, that a man must. A man that is comfortable with this situation, even if he’s working to reverse it, is the kind of confident man who loves his mom and will cook dinner for you and rub your feet and is an amazing lover– all of it. Esp. given that you are back and forth about your level of independence, it’s a shame that women still think they need to make less than a man to be satisfied in a relationship. Also, good luck finding a guy who fits “bad boy” criteria while also being genuinely good and loyal and authentic. Especially in this city! My advice is: fall in love with a man from the Midwest. They have the kindest hearts and the biggest cocks.

  23. to that i would add– that it’s unfair to require equal footing in the relationship in terms of roles, but then require him to make more money… there was just an article about this in the new york times the other

    definitely worth reading!!

  24. I generally like this blog but this post is weak, did you run out of material Lex? I find this list to be utterly boring…and omg YOU GUYS, can you believe she forgot to include a great head of hair??? sigh

  25. I was totally making the same list the same day that you posted this, now knowing tell now; and we pretty much have all the same things. I guess every girl wishes to have the same kind of guy. Watch out

  26. *not knowing tell now

  27. Not knowing “UNTIL” now I was drawing a pink tart colored heart in my notebook.

  28. In every epoch the attempt must be made a new to wrest tradition away a conformism that is about to overpower it.

  29. gawd lexi….i like this blog but this post made me vomit in my mouth a little when i finished reading it.

  30. “relationships are where you do the most work on yourself. they are a tool to learn about yourself, using the other person as a mirror you’re reflected in; you have to explain yourself and be held accountable for you moods, actions, words, behavior, feelings. your childhood demons/history/scars come up and all the other emotional dark stuff you can’t see when you’re single.”

    i love this, it’s so true and i never really thought about it like that.

  31. I Love this! You should toats convert this to audio. Alexi’s version of “Fitter Happier” (Radiohead)

  32. I don’t like this.

  33. Don’t want to overstate this but…. this is a fucking travesty.

  34. With this utterly superficial, trite list & last week’s begging readers to buy her gifts, Alexi is about halfway over the shark…

  35. The funniest thing about the line at the “free ice cream: refunds” window? They were all still eating the free ice cream!

    Here, watch…

  36. youre asking way too much. agree with doctor fill.

  37. You need a bad boy who doesn’t drink and loves his job and drives a nice car and makes more money than you? White girl problems.

  38. Doesn’t seem like you’re on good terms with Dad and the fat-ass candy and nacho commercial royalties go only so far, so I don’t foresee the making more money part a problem -even though you sound like a Reaganomics-era gold digger when you say shit like that…

  39. OMG, i totally fit the profile! The only question I have is- what is your idea of a “big private”…i hope 8” is ok, fingers crossed? If you ever see a tall/slim guy dining at the M Café in white converse, apc jeans and Acne button down, say hello! xo

  40. Doctor_Fill & tommi teardrop are right on the money. you’re never going to find someone that ticks all these boxes. and you sound neurotic.

  41. you should sign up for and make this your profile

  42. With that checklist you better be willing to take it in the butt.

  43. Alexi, I had an older man once tell me something that I thought was very wise: don’t focus solely on the list of things you want… but rather focus on what you don’t want for sure.

    When you only focus on the things that you want in a person, you close yourself off to new possibilities or to people you didn’t think you’d be attracted to.

    But when you let yourself be mindful of the things you don’t want, it allows you to be more open to anyone else that could be “good” for you.

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