BLOG » alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life (feel free to use my list!):

Once again, i’m single… and that’s fine. six months ago i was so content and happy being single. i was having sex like a dude, completely career driven with no ties to my heart and so emotionally unavailable no one was able to get under my skin… because i didn’t care about them to begin with. i had absolutely NO desire to be in a relationship, and that’s when one found me. which is exactly where i think a person should be emotionally before they get into a relationship. um, not the having sex like a dude and being essentially numb part, just the overall state of being content and happy in your singledom. because, ideally, you should be with someone because it’s undeniable and you don’t want to miss out on them because they’re too amazing and you feel so good when you’re with them, and you’re in love! NOT because you need a warm body next to you who could be ANYONE, just because you’re too scared to be alone and think you’re a failure if you’re not coupled up. do people really feel that way? even now? that’s so weird to me.

but now that’s all over and i’m looking forward to getting back to the ‘i’m so secure and happy being single’ state. in a way, even though i broke up with my last dude, i wasn’t ready to be out of my relationship. i actually really LIKED being in a monogamous, healthy relationship! i did! it was great! and the reason it had to end snuck up on me. although it was something that needed to happen, and was inevitable… it all happened so quickly and wasn’t what i had planned on. i had AT LEAST four more months in me to give. ; )

whenever i give my heart to someone and get into a relationship with them, i’m taking myself off the market and giving myself to them because i love them and have the intention that we could be together forever. you have to think that! you should be that crazy about them that that’s your intention. why go in knowing you’re gonna be looking for an out at some point down the road? that’s what flings, dating, and one night stands are for. duh.

i mean, yeah, i’m a realist as much as i am a romantic; i know that sometimes (most of the time?) we’re only meant to have relationships with people for a certain amount of time because they’re a stepping stone to the next life lesson/love/relationship/distraction. but i like to jump into a relationship a million percent. when i say ‘i love you’ (and i’m not talking about how loosely i use it on twitter), i mean it. shit, i hope i don’t start to get jaded or bitter when it comes to love. no, i won’t. i might not ever get married, but i’m going to fall in love as many times as i can/need to/find it, and do so with as much child like enthusiasm as usual. i mean, you can learn from experiences and not get bitter.

so now that this relationship is freshly over, and i’ve just been reminded of what works and does not work for me in a relationship, in an attempt to get acclimated at being a single, healthy, happy, productive, focused, balanced girl again- it’s important i get reaquainted with what it is i’m looking for the next time love finds me.

i’m not saying i want to rush into another relationship, as if that’s the goal of every single girl/that’s what defines success and happiness for a woman. not at all. i could be single for the rest of my life and never get married or have kids or anything and that would be fine. although i do feel that relationships are just as important as being single/comfortable being alone. relationships are where you do the most work on yourself. they are a tool to learn about yourself, using the other person as a mirror you’re reflected in; you have to explain yourself and be held accountable for you moods, actions, words, behavior, feelings. your childhood demons/history/scars come up and all the other emotional dark stuff you can’t see when you’re single.

right now, i’m in a state of reflection and attempting to get some clarity on what just happened and what i need when it comes to having a lover/partner/boyfriend, whatever.

i mean, to be real, at THIS point i just want to MEET someone i’m excited enough about to have sex with. someone who’s single and respectful and cute and interesting… and then, beyond that, i’m good with just getting back to that place where i’m completely satisfied being single and totally/exclusively in love with myself.

presently, i’m not excited about anyone. i’ve just survived a break up, a birthday, valentine’s day, etc.

so here i am: in desperate need of writing a letter to myself to remind me not to settle for less than what i want/need/deserve.

feel free to borrow my list.

alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life:

-we make each other’s lives better.

-he respects, loves, supports, and is excited about what i do for work. and vice versa.

-he makes me laugh and i make him laugh.  (so much, like crazy!)

-i am so attracted to him. he’s so attracted to me.

-we have great sex! epic sex!

-he has a wonderful, big private that satisfies me.

-he’s successful and loves his career.

-he’s my best friend. i’m his best friend.

-i can talk to him about anything. he can talk to me about anything. (without either of us getting weird/uncomfortable/or offended)

-we are so passionate about each other.

-we get each others sense of humor. we love each others sense of humor.

-he’s taller than me.

-he has great style. when we walk into a room, we look great together.

-i love his body. he loves my body.

-we can do anything together and it’s fun and easy: long walks, traveling, hiking, being quiet together, making stuff, etc.

-he isn’t threatened by my having a blog where i talk about love, sex, my feelings, and experiences. he thinks it’s great and loves it/it gives him insight into the inner-workings of my brain, and we can talk about it. he thinks i’m a badass.

-i feel safe with him. he feels safe with me.

-we’re creative together.

-he’s true to his word. i can count on him doing what he says he’ll do. i can count on him if i need help.

-he makes more money than me.

-he has no roommates, dogs, or kids.

-he drives a nice car.

-he’s single.

-he treats me like a princess.

-he loves his mom.

-i trust him. he’s trustworthy and faithful. he trusts me.

-i believe in him. he believes in me.

-he’s proud of me. i’m proud of him.

-we inspire each other.

-we have so much fun together.

-i’m not shy around him. i can be my true self around him.

-he barely drinks or doesn’t drink, is a non smoker, and is drug free.

-neither one of us has any desire to cheat.

-he loves me so much! he’s crazy about me and i’m crazy about him.

-we make stuff together.

-we genuinely like each others family and friends. it’s fun and warm and easy.

-he’s super sexy and has that ‘bad boy’ cool factor that i need in a guy.

-he’s really confident, but not to the point of being an unlikable, arrogant, ego maniacal prick.

-he’s a master at what he does.

-he’s smart, talented, and well-traveled. we learn from each other.

-he respects women. he’s not a misogynist.

-our relationship is fun and easy and passionate all at once.

-it’s not a battle of egos.

-we are so happy together, and communicate really well.

-he’s completely emotionally and physically available to me.

-he’s really healthy. but not to the point of being annoying and rigid.

-he has lots of energy, a great sex drive, and lots of stamina.

-he’s in a good mood more so than not.

-he doesn’t take his problems out on me. we talk about them, but he doesn’t unfairly lash out.

-he loves coffee.

-he’s romantic.

-he’s a gentleman.

-he’s ok with me potentially never wanting to get married.

-he’s ok with me potentially wanting to get married.

-he would make a good father… if i decide i ever want to have kids (i do, i think. just one… a LONG time from now)

-he wants marriage and kids.

-he lives in la.

-he’s not an angry guy.

-he’s very confident in who he is, what he wants, and how to go about getting it.

-he’s responsible: with his actions, his choices, my feelings, other people’s feelings, etc. he doesn’t play mind games.

-he’s good with money, but not cheap.

-he makes me so happy. i make him so happy.

-he isn’t a moody, passive aggressive, a control freak, or a man-child.

-he isn’t super religious. (spiritual and believing in god is fine)

-he has great taste.

-he has good morals. he has a strong moral compass. but this doesn’t mean he’s a nerdy, boring, dork who isn’t a badass/rock n roll.

-he isn’t the type of guy who needs to be mothered.

-the relationship isn’t difficult. it makes our lives better. it’s a blend of the kind of love you feel when you’re a teenager and your heart beats crazy fast and you draw hearts with your names in it on notebook paper, mixed with the responsibilities of adulthood. an epic balance of sex, love, passion, work, friendship & remembering who we are as individuals, but when we come together we’re even stronger and we make people who see us together believe in love!

 


93 Responses to “alexi’s ultimate check list for the future love of her life (feel free to use my list!):”

  1. Wow, I can’t believe a high school administrator would let you bring this through their doors. Says a lot of about the state of education, particularly in California. If I were a parent of a student there I’d be pretty pissed. Not because the soft pornographic tone is inappropriate, but, rather, if I had a kid it would be my entire AIM in life to make sure it doesn’t grow up to be yammering, arrested development style/masturbation obsessed ninny. I’m a researcher who occasionally listens to your show for research purposes. Lately I’ve heard a medical student call in, “Like, um, like, yeah, like…” and a Columbia enrollee, “Um, so yeahhhh, like, WORD, like I just totally like want to FUCK somebody…” That’s SOOOOO sad… Ten years ago, you would be shamed out of the classroom if you started opening your mouth in this way and now it has infiltrated the Ivy Leagues. That is not a new style everyone -it’s a dumb style- just so you know. It’s not sexy.


  2. the ‘Dr. ‘ got really boring in her or his childhood sadly he became like any other sad teenagers who longs for great sex and ‘free’ life..
    sooner or later, parents who are not sharing sex tips to their daughters are as well responsible why their kids try to have sex unsafe for the first time..
    so yea, be wise dear Dr. your research might do good for the parents, but the readers here are their sons and daughters..

    fuck, sex and all, its just a matter of words, if you really know what I mean. Look at the current phenomenon now dumb bitch


  3. I say, we need someone like Alexi to spread the word. Not narrow dumb minded like you. think again. thank u


  4. Okay, MUTE… but you have to admit is self-proclaimed “big sister you jerk off to” is bizarrely Orwellian and her going to a high school to talk about it is more than a little bit creepy. We have to question whether or not we ought to live in a society where you’re told it’s normative to keep open personal journals on-line. Someone like Alexi Wasser is going to SHOW you how that’s acceptable, but YOU’RE the one who will have to bare the consequences of it when you’re trying to get a real job -or more than likely ASK FOR PERMISSION to have have job- when you’re thirty, and what you’ve put down is all in your digital dossier. The reason why it’s called the web is because it’s a TRAP. The other thing you should know is that in the Victorian era, they all did the same thing which was talk about, and fetishize, and categorize sexual practices. That was proven to be a really repressive way of dealing sexual behavior, so I think you’re confused if you think this is about promoting a sexually open society, particularly on the part of women. That said, one can’t expect you to really know that if you’re high school’s delivering role models like this.


  5. Thats what’ up Doc. Well said.


  6. I don’t get it . . . knowing what you have to offer, I think you would be a committed partner to that list. A girl should dream.


  7. conflicting vernaculars are always a great way to spark tension. both parties (i know there are several contributors but there are essentially two arguments here) have somewhat valid points of view in certain regards.

    while some of the listeners who call in do not necessarily strike me as fitting the ‘erudite’ mold, how does the median audience of this podcast typically communicate? i see this every day to be quite honest. i myself am a graduate student living overseas and, unbeknownst to me, i took an apartment in a building that is exceedingly and disproportionately filled with young american exchange students. i would not say that these kids individuals are dumb but they communicate in a completely different manner than i do. these students come from some of the best colleges in the states but do not ‘sound’ like what one would typically envision a learned individual to be.

    i’m 25 and the communicational gap between my neighbors and i seems to be far more disparate than the 4 years that actually separate us. they’re style of speech is not dumb, it’s simply what is en vogue…yet unfortunately i have to agree to a certain extent with the more critical viewpoint of young people simply because, well, it sounds rough, ugly, and fairly disconnected.

    however, americans are notorious for being prudes. i applaud the effort in trying to culturally distance ourselves from our national puritan legacy, but it feels analogous to the ‘effort’ used in reaching the escape velocity of the earth. we feel the need to shock ourselves into a more open conversation, like ripping off a band-aid, feeling like once we’ve addressed the elephant in the room everyone will breath a collective sigh of relief. again, the motive is great yet the tact is lacking and this is where things crumble.

    i remember getting the sex talk when i was 3, in very comprehensive form i might add. the reason for this was simple, my mother wanted neither my sister or me to be the kids in class that laughed when given sexual education. she used to repeat the word penis and vagina like they were my middle names and rather quickly ruined any fun i might have derived from toying around with these words.

    concerning masturbation, again my mother drilled the phrase ‘self-gratification is a wonderful thing’ into my head so much that it may end up being her epitaph if i have any say in the matter. no mom wants their kid to get a disease and no mom ever strove/strived (both derivations have their beauty) to become the world’s youngest grandmother…or so i’d imagine.

    long story short, 1) it’s just a dick and pussy and 2) we can all be a little more understanding when it comes to semantics. hell my sister is a doctor and when the white jacket comes off she slides right back into her usual voice. give the kids a break


  8. This list was great and I will undoubtably steal some of it. Like you, I got out of a serious relationship last year and am now focused on being happy. I’m glad I don’t need a person to make me happy but if it happens, it would be nice. Though I’m not actively pursuing anything. I met a guy recently who I thought was rad and he fucked it all up. (see my blog.) Sometimes I just don’t get it. But I’m ready for when “it” finally decides to make its way to me.


  9. yawn.. I already got a real job, I’m 23, only two years below Doc
    Imma graduate student and I don’t live in victorian era.

    I just say I can relate to all discussions Alexi’s been throwing. Whether it’s about relationship, friendship, sex and many other thing. Why should you relate it to sort of persuasion to ‘deviant sex attitude’. Yes it’s a web, but it’s not a trap for me or any other readers. She’s blunt, I’m blunt. I like the way she boldly say things.

    And sadly, I don’t get sex discussion at 3, so why not now ;)


  10. A non-smoker, non-drinker who still has “bad boy” style? Doesn’t exist. Sorry.


  11. It’s pervasive, it’s banal and it’s dangerous. It’s not just the fault imboycrazy.com -it began way before you were born. You have to start acknowledging that. Cultural declines happen, notably, the dark ages, and we don’t have to go into one if you just start recognizing the fascism -which in most people is ingrained and implicit at this point- by calling it out. It’s not about being a “hater” or envy, that’s all relative -some things are worth hating on, and it’s about being more sophisticated as a society and stepping it up FOR THE FUTURE. It’s a mistake to make light of it, and you don’t have to participate in corporate distractionary non-sense. It’s STEALING YOUR SOUL.


  12. @Mute -There is not “real job” that you “got” which would permit you to visit and comment on this site at 11:30 in the morning.


  13. @dan : yeah Dan. You are right. Except that I can. And it’s 2AM in this side of the world. Way to go


  14. Back @ Mute person: “only two years below Doc” and two seconds away from profession another lie! You’re almost as AWESOME with spelling and punctuation as the blogger, ha! For someone Mute, such as yourself, and on her way to a doctorate degree, one would think you’d have the writing down by now! Minion…


  15. First of all “Dr” I think it’s great that an administrator would let Alexi speak at their high school. I and many other highly impressionable teens would probably be much better off if we had someone like Alexi to guide us before we did all the stupid shit we did. She’s not a “masturbation obsessed ninny” since there’s nothing wrong with getting to know your body and knowing how to please yourself. Maybe if you tried it once in awhile you wouldn’t be so angry and aside from that, her blog is much more than just talking about sex. She teaches the importance of loving and respecting yourself and never settling for less than what you want and deserve. She also stresses the importance of safe sex. Just because she’s not some narrow minded conventional slave doesn’t mean what she says doesn’t have any value. Excuse me for getting so passionate in my response but knowing that Alexi is so open to us all with her most personal thoughts and demons and not to mention understanding, intelligent, and willing to advise anyone in need, it just pisses me off that people like you really feel the need to belittle her. She is so amazing and has been quite an influence in my positive life change, I really can’t thank her enough.


  16. Let’s be honest. The blogger we speak of claims to have visited schools as a guest speaker, but we’ve never seen any proof. I take it with a grain of salt. C’mon Alexi, show us you’ve actually spoken at a high school, public or private. I dare you.
    Someone without a secondary education being invited into schools to educate minors? You’ve peaked my interest. It would be (by a long-shot) the most note worthy point of discussion and interest on this blog.
    It’s important that claims are authentic. The stakes are high.
    Credibility is important to the real cool kids, stop painting a public portrait of yourself that is far from accurate. We’re on to you.


  17. Celebrity Worship Syndrome again… ^ Self-help is so lame…


  18. Comment above directed @ “um.” @Anne -no, YUP, that really happened. She was also at UCLA, and she’s pretty much GED-style. That’s pretty embarrassing for those institutions of higher learning. And that happens ALL THE TIME NOW -people with basically NO degree “instructing” degree seekers.


  19. “I’m a researcher who occasionally listens to your show for research purposes.”

    LOfuckingL

    One deranged hater, so many sock puppets. Fascinating!


  20. Colleges of any caliber can get away with practically all subject matter. They can also hire who they want for the most part to teach their classes.
    Being invited to a high school is a really big deal. I want to see, from the source, that Alexi went to a high school. Or she should stop splashing it around on the web that she did or does get invited to high schools. I want primary source evidence.


  21. okay that is probably the ideal list for any relationship/ future boyfriend,( except for the drug free thing, drugs are fun :D)…

    however while I don’t believe girls shall settle for anything less than you deserve. I do believe you will have to compromise on some things on this list. No one is perfect and settin a list with charateristics he and your relationship shall fulfill is unnecessary, because in the end, the peron you do fall in love, won#t fulfill all these criteria, it will be random, he will have flaws, buts thats what makes the relationship interesting and thats what what you will love him for.

    so quit the lists!


  22. haters gonna hate


  23. is this still happening?

    http://www.deadline.com/2010/10/showtime-crazy-for-blog-based-comedy/


  24. @Lina I don’t consider Alexi to be a celebrity and really self-help is lame? Bettering yourself is lame? Lol oookay


  25. @Steven Augustine hahahaa omg I also died when I read that


  26. @Steven: I’m going to guess that it’s some sort of contemporary cultural studies of sociology. And you’re one of like seventy not dissimilarly horrid blogs trying to justify this MTV-style “haters gonna hate” garbage. All you guys do is get on here and talk your abortions and touching yourself. This girl is admittedly from a dysfunctional family, she publicly hates on her dad – who actually has talent and is the sole reason why she has any attention or friends- and she can’t sustain a meaningful relationship with another adult because of her online activity. That’s why she trying to influence her readers not to have one either.


  27. @Anne -Colleges USED to hire professors and they’ll put a goddamn perv in high school/grade school just like THAT. Nevertheless, I must commend you for questioning the authenticity of this ridiculous spectacle. (@um,mute &imboycrazy: OOOPS: almost forgot to capitalize the first word of the sentence and add a period! Not! So retarded…)


  28. Love u alexi.. The world needs more people and (blogs) ((and a speaker)) like you! What a list


  29. Hey Doc,

    As a ‘researcher’ your examinations should be precise and your facts should be 100% straight. You know this, right? Well here is where you’re wrong.

    Firstly, you incorrectly paraphrase AND misquote a Columbia student saying “Um, so yeahhhh, like, WORD, like I just totally like want to FUCK somebody…” when in reality, if you actually paid attention to the content of what she was saying, she was simply asking for advice on love because her efforts to find a significant other have recently failed her.

    The way you portray her is as though she’s some ignorant air-head who’s just looking for sex, but sometimes, as a researcher, you need to scratch beneath the surface to discover what’s ACTUALLy being said. And there is positively nothing wrong with seeking out love and advice on love. Clearly, by your bitter tone, love is something you’re sorely lacking.

    And just so you know, all “Ivy League” signifies is an athletic conference, so be careful when you are using such an inept, inaccurate meter of one’s intelligence. Hold people responsible for what they stand for, not for the title of the school they attend. Don’t be so pretentious, and maybe try this thing I call ‘kissing’, it’s good for the skin.


  30. I just wanted to say … fantastic picture of Daisy Lowe you got there.


  31. What’s “ORWELLIAN” is the above is actually a distortion of the facts: to say that the Ivy League merely signifies an “athletic conference,” while true in part, is sort of ridiculous AND beside the point. HOWEVER, I will concur with you that admission to it is no longer a measure of one’s intelligence as it is social status and familial wealth. Also, there’s a difference between paraphrasing and quoting -YOU KNOW THIS RIGHT?… Honestly, it sounds like the point was to REPRODUCE A SPEECH PATTERN HYPERBOLICALLY for EFFECT and that point was clearly taken by more than a few who seemed to “hate” on it. I didn’t hear the actual quote because I’m not a listener, but given the demographic here in the blog, there’s no doubt that the paraphrased quote is probably SPOT ON CORRECT. And what’s all this about her speaking at a high school? Really? WOW… I too call bullshit. That just couldn’t happen.


  32. I can understand the Dr.’s feelings but the truth is you can’t fault Alexi for being honest. There’s a reason this blog has an audience, myself included. People want honest advice about relationships and sex and Alexi is able to dole it out in spades. You may not agree with it and if not you certainly don’t have to read it.

    You may have a point as to what’s allowed in schools–LAUSD hasn’t made a lot of good decisions lately and though I personally see nothing wrong with having Sasha Grey read to Compton school kids, I can understand why parents are upset about what their kids learn in a school environment. But as someone who works with kids on a daily basis, they’re learning about sex anyway. Did you know some kids practice “slap breast Tuesdays” and “grab ass Friday’s?”

    I mention this because I’m 99% sure this blog is not responsible for that. But in a world where this stuff happens routinely in our schools, at least there’s a voice in the blogosphere encouraging girls to respect themselves. Because if you read between the lines, that’s what Alexi is saying at what some would consider great personal expense. I certainly wouldn’t want to detail every sexual encounter or bad decision I’ve ever made in hopes someone else might learn something.

    And sorry, on the last point you couldn’t be more wrong: Alexi’s writing is dead sexy.


  33. @drrw Sorry, man, you make a lot of good points, but Americans are pretty dumb. It’s combination of the food they eat, the water they drink, and media they intake. Before long Western Europe will be just like the states. American university professors are instructed to take the same position in classrooms you do, as if every thing is valid, but that’s only because power wants to consolidate by collapsing our society through confusion and carnival and war spectacles. That’s easier to do when everyone’s dumbed the fuck down.


  34. @Whatyearisthis -Not speaking for “Dr.” but I would MUCH rather fuck with Sasha Grey in the schools. She was just trying to be innocent and read to the kids and be a normal person, not get inside their heads and sexualize them. The only message I’m finding here is one that says you SHOULDN’T be in a relationship because you’re “better than that” which works out for a bunch of big time globalist elite eugenicist people who generally regard you as a buncha overbred rats crowding out their playground.


  35. This list, and the post in general, blows my mind- and not in a good way. It’s a regressive fantasy about what relationships are. There is no one human being who fulfills all these requirements for anyone in a relationship- it is utterly unrealistic to expect to get ALL of this from one person, which means an incredible amount of pressure on someone who attempts to realize it. These superficial descriptors aren’t going to help- unless you are willing to throw them all out the window when you meet someone you really like who just doesn’t check all the boxes…which is what has happened to everyone I know in a long-term, functional relationship (myself included). It isn’t going to be how you think it should be, and, in fact, that is part of what makes it so interesting and exciting!


  36. Pretty high standards, good thing your cute.


  37. @sam you’ve jogged a memory of mine in your statement concerning the media intake of americans. Fairleigh Dickinson University (i have no idea where this school is but it was sourced as the study’s point of origin http://politiken.dk/kultur/tvogradio/ECE1458397/ny-undersoegelse-fox-news-er-ikke-bedre-end-ingenting/) undertook a study where they polled individuals and from this most likely set up a simple expectation model in which one of the explanatory variables was a dummy variable for whether or not folks got their news on current global events from fox news. well this variable must have come back to be negative and statistically significant, otherwise they wouldn’t have published the study, but funny enough was the result that those who do not watch any news source are more versed in current events than those who watch fox news.

    fox has a horrible reputation, which while grounded tends to resemble more of a scapegoat roll for all conservatives. i will not expand on this point as all news in the states is more based on the opining of pundits rather than actual news. bill o’reilly can actually be funny if you treat it as an entertainment program rather than a viable source for news.

    as for western europe, there is really not much of a difference. developed nations are more or less similar wherever you go when you really start to chip away at their facade.

    my position, however, concerning language is merely that the way in which generations express themselves is constantly changing. could i sit and have a conversation with someone from the industrial revolution and actually understand the bulk of what they’re saying?? perhaps but if you’ve ever read any of adam smith’s the wealth of nations you’ll come to terms with the fact that very simple concepts were phrased in a way that it takes a few runs through to finally translate things into an understandable, cohesive statement. we can look at it like dialects if we want but what is most alarming is the fact that we as a society are seemingly devolving into a network of individuals who use the same limited vocabulary in different patterns and different inflections in order to express ourselves. i’m not a fan but i’m not a pessimist. i am confident that i can learn the new dialects coming down the pike but i’m not going to choose to use them until i’ve exhausted every other opportunity to speak my own. a means of last resort you could say…but still, there are some smart kids out there and again, let’s think about the median individual in society. let’s really try to think about how basic and cursory their educational retainment will be (not to imply that it’s solely school systems that do the teaching). the vast majority of people are destined to engage in some type of gainful employment that requires them to do the simplest of tasks. what used to be a manufacturing job for most is now the salesman as best buy that has run through the same sales pitch over and over and over again.

    the dumbing down of society is a strong statement, one that requires a great deal of reference and inspection in regard to methodology, where data is taken from and its validity, etc. i’ll concede that specialization has put blinders on the mind but to your point of confusion, carnival, and war spectacles, this has been going on for ages ever since there has been hierarchic power structure. appease and quell the masses so as to limit your competition to those that present a threat at your level of stratification.

    but…having a bit of fun with the list that was published concerning the ideal mate, as this was really the reason for discussion in the first place, ‘equal/complimenting if not better’ sums it up.


  38. That’s a lot of effort trying to seem like an actual “researcher”, there, don’t you think? Some of the words are okay but the sentences (as ever) fail on more than one level. How many of the sock puppets in this thread are you? I’m guessing three.

    Are you a sophomore at a Liberal Arts college in the Midwest? You’ve been doing this since last year… maybe you’re a junior by now. How are your grades?

    Do your parents know they’re paying for you to stalk somebody’s blog?


  39. that was nice. i really liked the list and the piece of writing.
    @caroline: well of course it’s just a wish list, i don’t think you go around with it hoping to cross out every little thing on it some day and staying single til you get it done – BUT you should aim high. it’s not even about being picky (besides the nice car, money stuff but it’s her list so i can’t hate) but you really can’t identify with most of the stuff on there? too bad. it’s basically a long form of “we love and respect each other for wo we are”. everything else is just the icing on the cake. well, thats the message that i got from it anyway.


  40. I didn’t realize you hated men so much, Alexi. Just look at the way you described them:

    …like a dude, completely career driven with no ties to my heart and so emotionally unavailable no one was able to get under my skin… because i didn’t care about them to begin with.

    Not caring? Not only is that wrong, it’s ugly.

    You’re back to square one, and I can’t help but believe it’s for a reason.


  41. But, back to the original list…

    Advice from Experience: if you’re not 35-40 years old (or close to that), don’t even *bother* looking for The One.

    Your 20s are for Fun and your early-30s are for processing the mistakes the Fun inevitably led to. If, by some freak accident, you should meet The One when you’re, say, 27, it only means you’re going to have to *LOSE* The One a few years later. The 20s-to-30s are not stable years. The higher the value you assign to a given attachment at that age, the more spectacular the failure of this attachment shall prove to be.

    Concentrate on yourself. Develop your skills. Identify and hone your interests/ inclinations. Fuck for Fun, Health, Tenderness and Companionship at Dinner/ The Movies. Don’t Fuck for status or control or in a chess game against Solitude. Everyone you Fuck should be a friend… not a possible future co-parent. Not until much later.

    As you develop, you’ll start collecting the very attributes you’ll be looking for in The One (so stay fit and witty as you age, if you’re into looks and social graces; don’t eat, and TV, yourself out of the possibility of attracting your ideal). By the time you’re 35-40, you should have enough of these attributes in the bag (and/or the bank) to attract worthy Possibles.

    Hollywood (and every other media source) has sold you on the premature notion of the power and glory of finding The One when you’re still young… but that’s bullshit that even famous actors (who should know better) fall for. Stop setting yourself up for infinitely unfulfilled longings. Stop emulating and/or competing with Tall Tales of the Media Age and other Fantasies.

    98% of the women I said “I Love You!” to (when I was between the ages of 20 and 35) I can barely remember now. There were some spectacular relationships I blew… by subjecting certain women (just as they subjected me) to the unnatural pressure of being The One. We could have had so much more Fun if we’d said: “Listen: I kinda love you and you kinda love me, but, five years from now, we’re going to be totally different people! Why pretend this is forever? Let’s lighten up and be good to each other until it’s time to move on!”

    Obviously, being mature enough to make such an announcement takes time (ironically; by the time you’re wise enough to say it, it may no longer be true!). What Hollywood doesn’t tell you is that when you finally meet THE ONE, he/she will have a couple of wrinkles. Which will be fine, because you will, too.

    Alexi’s list is fair enough, but I don’t think you guys realize how long it takes for men and women to become all that.

    (PS I wrote all this sitting next to my soon-to-be-six-year-old daughter. Very happy place.)


  42. @Steven A -looks like you’re the one who stalks the blog… (as an adult male… with a child…) And you’re the one who looks like a cheerleading sock puppet with all your strawman arguments (creep…)


  43. Har! The Queen of the Sock Puppets speaks!


  44. pedophile style, high school hoax -whatevs, this is weak…


  45. You should say “swag” before you say “hater.” That would be.. COOL.


  46. For those of you that are so in denial about Alexi having come to my school to speak: she did — and it was not only the most exciting eleventh grade meeting we have ever had, but the most thoughtful, inclusive and insightful one too. If you continue to be in disbelief you should look at her twitter and see how many students from my class thanked her for coming and posted pictures of themselves with her. I hope that is enough for you because honestly it’s pretty annoying to read your ignorant comments.

    COOL THANKS!


  47. *BLANKET STATEMENT ALERT* please stop hating on Alexi just because you’re fucking jealous. you haven’t done anything noteworthy with your life. you’re sad and pathetic. no one wants you to come speak at their high school. its okay. we get it. just dont take it out on other people.

    seriously guys. she was at oakwood high school. fact check before you go making all these shit-head absurd accusations.


  48. I’ve seen more elaborate events staged…


  49. Yes Oakwood student, you are right….all you have to do is read her tweets to see that Alexi tweeted out to Oakwood students to come to her “defense”.
    Alexi- did you feel you needed to defend yourself? If so, against what? and why not engage with the readers yourself instead of asking students to back you up? I am sure you have some things to say about what people are talking about.

    It might be, but yet again…it very well might NOT be interesting if Alexi ever chose to respond to readers when more elaborate discussions get started up as a result of her blog posts.


  50. AND, @Whatyearisthis, in regards to “LAUSD hasn’t made a lot of good decisions lately…” it wasn’t an LAUSD school Alexi spoke at. It was a well-respected, co-educational, college-prep private school who made the professional decision to have her come speak.

    And on how on earth are you placing Alexi Wasser and Sasha Grey on the same level? They are on opposite ends of the spectrum; one’s a tired ex-porn star and the other is using a blog to share her adventures of romance, offer prospectives on love, and encourage the practice of safe sex…..

    Do explain.


  51. “Some people hated on Hhhitler, uh-huh, huh-uh, huh-uh… he just said PRIVATE school…”


  52. Dude, Oakwoody… Sasha Grey is like WAY younger than Alexi… by almost ten years. Plus her porn is better than this. Get your facts straight and stop with all the player hate, son.


  53. @another oakwood student: I’m beginning to think Oakwood should work on teaching reading comprehension–my post was in defense of Alexi. What gets taught in schools will always be a hot button topic. For instance, I’m not a parent but I’d certainly object to any school teaching my kid about creationism. Like the controversy with Sasha Grey, I can understand how certain closed-minded folk could be upset when “that girl who blogs about sex” comes and talks to their kids.

    That’s not to say I agree with that ire. The Dr. takes offense with Alexi speaking to kids. I don’t. What I was trying to say, is that kids will learn about sex at school anyway and it’s better to have guidance from someone that they can relate to. So correct me if I’m wrong but it appears to me that we agree.


  54. Harping on someone for their dialogue “Um, so yeahhhh, like, WORD” is like saying a stand-up comedian sucked because their shirt was ugly. It’s about the content. I’m sick of people thinking they’re smart because they noticed grammatical errors . . . or that the word “like” was used too often.


  55. meant to say dialect. Can dialogue work too?


  56. Not to brag but as I read through the checklist, I realized that my boyfriend meets almost every single one of those requirements. Except, he doesn’t love his job (but we’re only 23, we’ll get there), and he definitely wants kids one day in the faaar future. This post made me realize how ridiculously lucky I am, so thank you. The only thing that would make it better would be if I wasn’t 3,000 miles away from him going to grad school in London. Grrrr. Otherwise, perfect. I hope Alexi finds *her* perfect one day too!


  57. @Brian, I couldn’t agree more. Dr. was ignoring the content and barely scratching the surface of what was actually being said, as well as entering into her “research” with a premeditated idea of what ‘boycrazy radio’ listeners sounded and acted like. Her judgment was made before her phone call was.

    @Lacy, Why are you correcting me on the age difference between Sasha and Alexi? I never said they were the same age– I was simply baffled by how they could be judged so closely by those attacking their appearances at high schools. They are completely different. And what relevance does Sasha Grey’s better porn hold????


  58. The content is retarded. SHALLOW and retarded. And that’s the point, it’s not that it’s about sex, and your school is enabling you to be retarded by bringing this woman in there. She holds no credentials and she writes at about a third grade level. (See above…)


  59. Gross. The check list reads like a shitty episode of Sex in The City.


  60. Just want to point out that visiting a private high school once does not make you someone that is a visitor of schools. Thanks, Oakwood students for clarifying my suspicion that Alexi is stretching the truth. By all means rectify the inaccuracy of your claims by making more of an effort to visit adolescents at high schools. Though I seriously doubt you will get into a public high school.


  61. I was a high school student when I first started reading this blog several years ago. And I’d just really like to say that some of the best advice I ever received as a teenager was from Alexi’s posts. So much, that I wrote some of my favorites down, and still keep them around for whenever I feel like shit and need to be inspired.

    “Just know how special you are and how many options you have. Don’t take that for granted or be taken for granted….ever.”

    “Get rid of all the negative people in your life. Toss ‘em. They’re energy drainers, and there’s no time for them.”

    “you never have someone in the palm of your hand! So don’t take people for granted or let people take you for granted!”

    “words are JUST words and people fake smiles all the time! just like YOU think one thing and say another, so does everybody else. don’t believe/buy into everything at face value. If you believe all the GOOD stuff, you’ll have to believe all the BAD stuff. try to remain grounded, solid, and secure in your skin. and don’t give others the power to change your mood.”

    Love you Alexi and thanks for being around when I was a teenager! Would have killed to have someone like you come speak at my high school.


  62. These are WRITING CLICHÉS…. ^ EPIC FAIL (another writing cliché…) I know you are smart enough to recognize them!


  63. it baffles me what kind of reactions this blog provokes. like, whoa!
    alexi’s either a messias or the devil himself. i don’t agree with all of her articles & don’t think that this is top-notch journalism (does it claim to be, though?) but to say this blog and its writer are basically harmful dangers for teenagers and the human society is kind of over the top.
    ms wasser, you’re definitely polarizing, hats off!


  64. Not for nothing but all this talk about Alexi being a fantastic speaker just really makes you wonder why she HERSELF has yet to comment.


  65. Everyone on this board is being a little ridiculous and over dramatic. It’s her website, it’s her forum and obviously you are reading it for a reason and if you don’t like don’t read it. No need to keep the political over-analyzed attitudes up. Which all you are trying to do is impress each other or expound opinions (which that’s just it, opinions!) No one is right and no one is wrong here. She is writing what she wants and she is reaching an audience that enjoys reading what she is putting out. So, all this debating is honestly for nothing let her be who she is!


  66. @Lina

    YOU HONESTLY JUST SAID ALEXI WRITES AT A THIRD GRADE LEVEL AND THEN PROCEEDED TO DEROGATORILY USE THE WORD “RETARDED” THREE TIMES TO ACCENTUATE YOUR ARGUMENT?!

    THIS IS NOT A CASE OF THE POT CALLING THE KETTLE BLACK; IT’S SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

    IT’S NOT ONLY POLITICALLY INCORRECT TO USE THE TERM “RETARDED” TO REGARD SOMETHING AS STUPID, IT IS ALSO PERSONALLY OFFENSIVE AND UNFATHOMABLY IGNORANT.


  67. @Lina

    AND SINCE WHEN IS SEARCHING FOR LOVE “shallow and retarded”?! WHERE IS THE HEART IN OUR WORLD TODAY? WHERE IS THE HUMANITY?

    YOUR ARGUMENT, WHILE SIMPLE AND UNINFORMED, IS BY FAR THE MOST UPSETTING.


  68. I don’t care about being politically correct. 90% of the populous comes off as mildly mentally retarded. Look, the way it works -since you don’t get it- is that there’s a swath of youngish, thirty something of well connected entertainers in L.A. (and elsewhere) with basically no education -not even high school- or a bad education (like much of their audience) and no future outside of entertainment, so they come up with the dumbest shit to get your attention. YOU, for whatever reason, worship these trendy people, and as a consequence you make yourself more dense as a result. Most of them are laughing at you privately, and they think you’re stupid. They’re only interested in attention which can be equated with money. All this has a rippling effect on culture: One in my OPINION that we don’t need. She doesn’t respond because she knows it’s true. Fanning something, celebrity worship reality TV culture -it’s all fake, people need to get real.


  69. You lost me at “I don’t care about being politically correct.”


  70. That’s because you’re a mildly mentally retarded person.


  71. At least I’m not ignorant and bitter.


  72. I’m in a relationship with an incredible man which basically satisfies the entire list, except he doesn’t make more money than me. I think it’s wrong to believe, esp. in this economy, that a man must. A man that is comfortable with this situation, even if he’s working to reverse it, is the kind of confident man who loves his mom and will cook dinner for you and rub your feet and is an amazing lover– all of it. Esp. given that you are back and forth about your level of independence, it’s a shame that women still think they need to make less than a man to be satisfied in a relationship. Also, good luck finding a guy who fits “bad boy” criteria while also being genuinely good and loyal and authentic. Especially in this city! My advice is: fall in love with a man from the Midwest. They have the kindest hearts and the biggest cocks.


  73. to that i would add– that it’s unfair to require equal footing in the relationship in terms of roles, but then require him to make more money… there was just an article about this in the new york times the other
    day…

    http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/12/opinion/sunday/marriage-suits-educated-women.html?pagewanted=all

    definitely worth reading!!


  74. I generally like this blog but this post is weak, did you run out of material Lex? I find this list to be utterly boring…and omg YOU GUYS, can you believe she forgot to include a great head of hair??? sigh


  75. I was totally making the same list the same day that you posted this, now knowing tell now; and we pretty much have all the same things. I guess every girl wishes to have the same kind of guy. Watch out


  76. *not knowing tell now


  77. Not knowing “UNTIL” now I was drawing a pink tart colored heart in my notebook.


  78. In every epoch the attempt must be made a new to wrest tradition away a conformism that is about to overpower it.


  79. gawd lexi….i like this blog but this post made me vomit in my mouth a little when i finished reading it.


  80. “relationships are where you do the most work on yourself. they are a tool to learn about yourself, using the other person as a mirror you’re reflected in; you have to explain yourself and be held accountable for you moods, actions, words, behavior, feelings. your childhood demons/history/scars come up and all the other emotional dark stuff you can’t see when you’re single.”

    i love this, it’s so true and i never really thought about it like that.


  81. I Love this! You should toats convert this to audio. Alexi’s version of “Fitter Happier” (Radiohead)


  82. I don’t like this.


  83. Don’t want to overstate this but…. this is a fucking travesty.


  84. With this utterly superficial, trite list & last week’s begging readers to buy her gifts, Alexi is about halfway over the shark…


  85. The funniest thing about the line at the “free ice cream: refunds” window? They were all still eating the free ice cream!

    Here, watch…


  86. youre asking way too much. agree with doctor fill.


  87. You need a bad boy who doesn’t drink and loves his job and drives a nice car and makes more money than you? White girl problems.


  88. Doesn’t seem like you’re on good terms with Dad and the fat-ass candy and nacho commercial royalties go only so far, so I don’t foresee the making more money part a problem -even though you sound like a Reaganomics-era gold digger when you say shit like that…


  89. OMG, i totally fit the profile! The only question I have is- what is your idea of a “big private”…i hope 8″ is ok, fingers crossed? If you ever see a tall/slim guy dining at the M Café in white converse, apc jeans and Acne button down, say hello! xo


  90. Doctor_Fill & tommi teardrop are right on the money. you’re never going to find someone that ticks all these boxes. and you sound neurotic.


  91. you should sign up for Match.com and make this your profile


  92. With that checklist you better be willing to take it in the butt.


  93. Alexi, I had an older man once tell me something that I thought was very wise: don’t focus solely on the list of things you want… but rather focus on what you don’t want for sure.

    When you only focus on the things that you want in a person, you close yourself off to new possibilities or to people you didn’t think you’d be attracted to.

    But when you let yourself be mindful of the things you don’t want, it allows you to be more open to anyone else that could be “good” for you.


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