BLOG » feeling my feelings…

I don’t hate you. But as the days go by since we ended things, things are coming up for me. I felt ok with my decision. It felt logical and right. In a way I felt relieved. But I forget that I have a tendency to have latent emotions. They can spring up days, weeks, months, or sometimes even years after the scenario I should have been emotional about. What I feel right now is disappointment. I feel disappointed in you. I feel slightly betrayed. I never hid who I was from you. I never pretended to be anything I wasn’t. And as our time together, filled with so many beautiful moments, progressed – I watched you learn how to communicate. Little by little I learned about your comfort level and insecurities. I saw u slowly but surely speak up for yourself a teeny tiny bit and tell me about what made you cringe, or uncomfortable. And as I got to know you, the recurring theme of your discomfort was/is the subject of sex and feelings and intimacy. Hmmm. Good to know, but did you ever stop to acknowledge that the girl you fell in love with is riveted, obsessed, and fascinated by all the topics that make you squirm? What blinded you? I don’t think I’m remarkably beautiful. I mean, I don’t want to be rude to myself, so I’ll stop there. Was it a combo of how great our sex was, my being so many things you’re not/wish you could be? I know I scared you slightly, and was a bit intimidating. But I never wanted to be. I thought you could handle me. So many days and nights, under the covers and tangled in sheets telling one another we want to be together forever. But what did we know about ‘forever’? At times I know I came across as cold because I would say, ‘I don’t want to put the pressure of forever on us. I just want us to be happy now, for as many days as we can be. For as many days that string together.’ And see? We took the time to get to know each other and you finally took the blinders off long enough to see me… And it was not for you. And that’s fine. But I always saw you. Even on our first date, I thought to myself ‘I’m too much for him.’ see how powerful gut reactions and intuition are? But I had to suss it out. Just like you did. But I never deceived myself. I never ignored any aspects about you. I get you. You are a wonderful man. And during our time together I paid very close attention to what I was learning from you: for a very long time I have known/accepted that every love affair is an opportunity to learn something about myself (what I need, what I want, what works/doesn’t work for me) and what I learned from YOU is what it feels like to be with someone who is kind, and AVAILABLE: emotionally/physically. I learned what it feels like to feel safe with a man. To be treated like a princess. To be with someone with strong morals, and someone who would do anything for me. Someone who would pick me up if I was stranded on the side of the road, someone who brought me flowers and took me to dinner. Someone who sexxxed me so beautifully and kissed every inch of me. All this is epic. Was epic. But when differences come up that are too real, too fundamental… That’s when a harsh reality surfaces: Sometimes love just isn’t enough.

15 Responses to “feeling my feelings…”

  1. Boyfriend didn’t like your postmodern hipster living in a moral vacuum style huh? Most decent guys aren’t into that. His mistake was falling for someone who has more attention than substance. Happens all the time…

  2. yeah, sounds like he did everything that he should’ve done (vulnerability isn’t a crime, it’s actually rather common when someone cares about someone a lot). you can’t be disappointed in someone for loving you. well, you CAN, but it says a lot about you as a person.

  3. More than likely; you will continue to rise and he will continue to move laterally.

  4. lovely post.

    ps other commenters: what good is it to come onto someones blog and leave rude comments about their lifestyle?

  5. so applicable to my life right now. its so refreshing to realize we are never alone in our problems, our thoughts, and our current state of mind and living. thank you alexi for sharing another intimate corner of your being with your audience. i cant tell you how much it means to me.

  6. Sometimes people love the idea of someone, and/or they really want to be able to be with this someone who infatuates them, but they in the end are overwhelmed by, for whatever their own reasons and issues are. YOu are being incredibly strong, and on top of that you’ve made yourself more vulnerable by sharing this with the world, and of course insecure hater are gonna hate, and that’s a bummer, but keep being you, because it does help us readers out here acknowledge, except, respect and get in tune with our own emotions. thank you Alexi!

  7. I just love when you give us a piece of your life. Even though I don’t live your lifestyle, I can still relate a lot with my problems here and there. It is nice to know that I’m not alone with my latent feelings! lol, Thanks

  8. @greaceful idiot -cuz it’s true.

  9. “Can you make a little list for me on how do it?”

  10. wow lacy, shut the fuck up.

  11. I have to side with b/f. I wouldn’t be comfortable with my thirty one year old g/f running around taking band lessons and blogging like she’s in junior high school either. That’s not what adults do.

  12. I can relate to these feelings, also about understanding why it didn’t work months after the breakup. I guess it only happens to people who analyze their feelings. Anyways, great post.

  13. I can relate to this in the sense that people who refuse to give shit up for their meaningful partners don’t get to have meaning partnerSHIPS. Know what I’m sayin’, hun?

  14. “Caspa, da frienly gohss, da frienly gohss…”

  15. 1st, 31 is the new 25, so it’s cool.

    2nd, I recently wrote a post about how not to be boring in 2012. One of the three main tips was: don’t be a hater. I may have been wrong about that…because reading how angry people are in the comments section of this blog is actually kind of hilarious. Go on w/ your angry little typing selves!

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